1066 All Stars

I made a commitment to myself that my blogs would be honest. I didn’t really feel like writing this as there is nothing positive to say and yet it feels important to me to document this moment in time. This is how I feel.

I have an overwhelming sense of sadness.

Sadness is a strange emotion that I suspect not everyone understands. If you tell someone you are sad they will likely ask ’what’s up?’ or take it as a personal crusade to ‘cheer you up’. Others may simply write you off as grumpy or miserable, as if a choice has been made to deliberately not enjoy life.

But sadness is one of the core emotions. We are allowed to feel it, dare I say we are supposed to feel it. But persistent sadness is a different issue. For that is the path that leads to depression.

There have been a couple of specific incidents that have caused me anxiety in the last week. A constant cycle of rumination and self-recrimination have left me feeling exhausted. Life of course goes on and yet I find that I want to hide away, tuck myself up in bed and wait for the world to pass by, hoping nobody notices. If my life were a videogame, I want someone else to take the controller, just for a time, until this level has passed.

I am conscious that these thoughts are unhealthy and undoubtedly I have the tools to change them. And yet I find myself locked in a spiral, feeling helpless as the crushing weight of the world bears down on me. I have always been aware that therapy was not the end, that the black dog would always be chasing me. For now, it seems I am unable to outrun him.

I am tired. Not in the ‘why don’t you get an early night’ sense. I am tired of trying, I am tired of resisting. I am tired of the noise. I am tired of the constant sense of unfulfilled duty. I am tired of the demands, I am tired of the decisions. I am tired of the guilt, shame and self-recrimination. I am tired of feeling tired.

This is not a tiredness that finds relief under the covers. This is a tiredness of thought. I am pedalling the cycle of rumination, well aware that only I can make the decision to stop.

But it is hard. And it makes me sad. And I am tired of feeling sad.