1066 All Stars

We’ve all heard them haven’t we?

Chin up. Pull your socks up. Look on the bright side. Think positive. Think how lucky you are.

After all, depression and anxiety aren’t real illnesses, are they? It’s all in your head.

And the thing is…that’s true. In a manner of speaking.

But let’s take a step back. For most of my life, I had no idea what depression and anxiety were. Sure, I had moments when I felt down and I would get stressed out about things but didn’t everyone?

After a while, being grumpy and miserable became the norm. It was simply who I was, a role that I eagerly fulfilled. But I started to recognise that something was wrong when I lost interest in activities that I previously loved, the tipping point a drive home from work, the wife reminding me of a Liverpool match on the tv later that evening. I realised that I didn’t care about it, that I would rather just sit and stare at the wall. That was when I first sought help.

Being prescribed anti-depressants was a validation of sorts. I had a problem, serious enough that medication was required. And whilst they helped to stabilise the worst of my mood swings (at least once I found the right medication for me), it did not address the underlying issues.

Depression became almost a badge of honour. Why don’t you come out tonight? I’m depressed! Why don’t you try to lose some weight? I’m depressed! Why not look for another job? Depressed, depressed, depressed!

But things became worse. In addition to low mood, I found that I was constantly stressed. Every decision was agonising. I couldn’t see a way out, I felt like a hamster stuck on the wheel. And so I carried on the routine.

Work, home, food, sleep.

Then the routine slowly began to change. Work, more work, home, food, sleep.

Then work, more work, home, more work, sleep.

And in between those non-work moments, I was thinking about work, churning over in my mind a conversation, an e-mail exchange, my ever expanding to-do list, that enormous oh-my-God-if-they-ever-find-out mistake that I was sure I had committed.

As my performance deteriorated, I found the courage to speak out and obtained a referral to a psychiatrist. He confirmed that I was suffering from depression and anxiety. But good news! The prognosis was good, I could get better.

Only I didn’t want to.

I had convinced myself that I was fundamentally flawed. Didn’t this man understand? I had depression! This wasn’t something I could stop having, it was a fundamental part of my being. I was broken, there was a hole right through the middle of me where happiness was supposed to live.

It was in therapy that I came to truly understand my illness. Depression and anxiety were not fixed states. My thoughts and my actions, accumulating throughout my life, had led me to this point. My anxiety and depression were mental states, brought on by a crippling lack of self-confidence, negative automatic thoughts, life-long patterns of behaviour and avoidance.

I resisted at first, unable to accept that my illness could be overcome. I wanted to be ill because then I didn’t have to face up to the reality of life. I wanted to wallow, I wanted the sympathy, I wanted the excuse to not have to truly exist.

Eventually, begrudgingly, I came to understand and accept. In a sense, I had made myself ill which meant in turn that it was up to me to make myself better.

It turns out that depression and anxiety had all been in my head. But that’s what made it so frightening.

It has been a difficult road. Understanding my illness allowed me to change. I began to shed the masks that I wore to hide my feelings, began to express myself, challenged the negative thoughts, learnt to live in the moment, rather than ruminating on the past or procrastinating on the future. It is an ongoing journey but I feel liberated from the prison of my own mind.

It can be difficult to know what to say to a loved one who is suffering. How can you possibly help when they are not ready to help themselves? But you don’t have to fix, you don’t have to mend, you don’t even really need to understand. Just be there to listen.

And to those suffering, locked in the cycle of regret and procrastination, my message is simply this;

You can change.