1066 All Stars

Weight - 11st 2lbs

* After 2 weeks off work, a satisfying weigh in at just 2lbs above what I have come to consider my 'natural' weight.

* Being on holiday threw up an interesting internal dialogue. On one hand, I was conscious that I was on holiday and was therefore 'allowed' to relax my strict regime. On the other, I had an underlying anxiety that my weight would spiral out of control. The net result was that I would eat some occasional treat but then fastidiously weigh myself everyday, looking for signs of over indulgence with which to harangue myself.

* By the end of the second week I had started to let go. My daily weigh ins had demonstrated that, barring a complete collapse of my eating and exercise regime, I can maintain my weight at its current level. the last few days of my break therefore saw me indulge in pizza, coke and crisps with any thought of a weigh in pushed firmly to the back of my mind.

* Being on holiday is of course A Good Thing, however it does present a certain pressure, at least to the anxious mind, to 'perform.' I am on holiday, I am with my family, there is no work. What's not to be happy about?

* This sense of duty to be happy, created within my own mind, inevitably led to anxiety. It is a fall back on the should and the must statements which can so often trap us, forgetting the lessons of mindfulness and to simply exist in the moment, accepting what is. As a result, I was often agitated, the kids causing me to lose my temper which in turn helped to peddle the depression cycle of anger, rumination and regret.

* This ultimately manifested in a period of very low mood on Thursday and Friday, the reasons for which are fairly complex.

Being a parent is great. kids bring such a unique joy and have undoubtedly enriched our lives. They also bring stress, tiredness and anxiety to the point that you sometimes wish you were anywhere but at home.

These statements are not contradictory, they are simply a fact of life as a parent. It is equal parts joy and frustration, but you wouldn't swap it for the world.

Towards the end of the week, the frustration had started to outweigh the joy. I became conscious that my holiday was drawing to a close and it would soon be time to return to work. Whilst we had packed in a fair amount of family activities, I did not feel I had actually had a break. In a way, I had swapped one type of work for another. Where was my break? Where was my down time?

It built a sense of resentment; towards the kids, towards the wife, who understandably needed her own time away from the brood. I felt I deserved some recognition and a break but would instead have to keep going. The old cliché of, 'You'll be glad to get back to work for a rest!' began to rang painfully true.

I could feel myself slipping into a depressive cycle and would not emerge until late Friday / early Saturday, at which point bitterness and resentment gave way to regret, self recrimination and guilt. This was magnified by the knowledge that the kids would be away for 4 days from Sunday meaning that, whilst I would be at work, I would have a clear break from my family responsibilities. You know, just like I wanted. But instead of feeling happy, I felt shame at my deflated mood and my inability to find consistent happiness.

* Lots to consider then. I will not make the mistake of rushing to a conclusion. There are behaviours here that I need to examine and understand, which is the only way to ensure they are not repeated.

Life, after all, is a journey.