1066 All Stars

Target weight - 10st 6lbs

Current weight - 11st 1lb

Comments

* Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to...etc.

* I had been intending to write this blog for a while but kept putting it off. I found myself in a low mood, low energy space where I could not seem to find the enthusiasm or will to interrogate my feelings.

* The obvious questions is, 'Why?' I'll get to that.

* Weight wise, I am disappointed but not wholly surprised. May is a difficult month what with all the kids' birthdays. our wedding anniversary and my own birthday. On top of that, 9 months into this lifestyle change, there has been an inevitable relaxation of standards as I allow myself some latitude, the net result being that I have added a couple of pounds back on.

* But I am not disheartened. Earlier in this regime, I would have become anxious (a word I do not use lightly by the way) that any uplift in weight signalled a disaster. Now, I have the benefit of knowing that with discipline and exercise, I can comfortably maintain my weight at or around the 11st mark.

* And, just as significantly, I want to. Previous attempts to lose weight have given way to a desire to eat. And I still do of course, a bag of sweets or a packet of crisps remain as tempting as ever. But I am proud of what I have achieved thus far and remain determined to maintain and improve it.

* But what of my mental health? I have visited this thought process before but it is an important point and worth, I believe, revisiting.

Most advice for those suffering from depression will be to take exercise, the release of endorphins and other such chemical reactions considered likely to alleviate the symptoms.

After 9 months, (up to) 20 pounds lost and with a daily walk now part of my weekday regime, I have noticed no tangible improvement to my mental well being. I remain almost cripplingly anxious, my confidence low, my mood prone to fluctuate at the slightest provocation.

But it is important to understand why. My depression is not driven by an inbuilt chemical imbalance. There is no fundamental flaw in my genetic make up. My depression is fed by anxiety which, whilst I may have a certain predisposition to it, is caused and fuelled by the thoughts I have and the decisions I make. I am the architect of my own mental prison and therefore also the warden who holds the key. No amount of walking is going to undo these thought patterns, only repeated and consistent addressing of my negative automatic thoughts and harmful, deep held schemas.

* Which leads me nicely to why this blog took so long to write. Part of my anxiety and depression cycle is a deep rooted lack of confidence. This may manifest in a variety of ways - from self judgement of appearance to intelligence to capability - depending on the circumstances.

And so I found myself in a situation whereby I judged myself to have failed. There were extenuating circumstances but I rejected them all. Something had gone wrong and it was my fault. As a result, I had undermined my position irretrievably and lost whatever credibility I may previously have held.

This event cast a shadow over my mood for well over a week. I felt withdrawn, deliberately isolating myself. I desperately procrastinated about a need for change. A fog crept over my mind, I found I could no longer concentrate. And I was tired, oh so tired. The tendrils of depression were beginning to take hold.

There was no particular event that caused them to recede and yet today I find myself in a much better place. I am now able to recognise the thinking errors (black and white thinking, catastrophising among others) and allow some context to be applied. An underlying anxiety remains but a depressive mindset has been avoided.

The perceived failure, and my subsequent anxiety, were a result of projecting; of doing what I thought I was expected to do, rather than remaining true to myself doing what I wanted, what I believed to be right. A valuable lesson has been learned.

* Perhaps part of the recovery has been the development of outside interests with two opportunities for writing generated via Twitter.

* The first was a chance to share my mental health journey at the Priory. I knew ahead of time how the article would be distributed but this represented the first time that I would actively share my experience to professional colleagues and acquaintences via LinkedIn. It feels liberating to do so. My experience of mental illness, and my subsequent journey of recovery, is an intrinsic component of who I am. I do not wish to hide it. A link to the article is here.

* The second revolves around videogames. I have posted the occasional game review or feature on the site, all written for my own amusement. Then I saw a Tweet where a website was looking for review contributers. This is the type of opportunity that I would usually think 'if only' before ignoring. And so, in the best traditions of mental health recovery, I decided to change and made contact. Not only will they be publishing my first article this week but I will subsequently become a regular contributer to the VG Almanac site as a retro gaming specialist.

Yet even this brought some anxiety. Suddenly the reviews I wrote just for fun have become something more serious. All the time I write and publish on my own site, I shield myself from criticism. The moment they are submitted to someone else, they become pieces that can be judged and compared to others. I felt inadequate.

And so I did it anyway. Better to face my fear than live with regret.