1066 All Stars

Last weight - 10st 12lbs

Current weight - 11st 2lbs

Thoughts

* Following the boy's Christening and the Easter weekend, a week off of work brought a change in routine.

I had decided at the outset that I would let the shackles off this week. Exercise was limited, meals reverted to a standard plan (ie carbs in the evening) and I allowed a touch more snacking.

The result? I put on 4lbs.

* I have a few different thoughts about this.

1) It's no big deal. I know that I can get down to 10st 12lbs by following my established plan. This weight increase is an unnatural spike brought about by changes to routine, which have now finished.

2) Despite telling myself that I could relax my diet, I found that I was caught in a strange midpoint whereby I wan't to indulge but was also reluctant to fully commit to filth. In a way this is good; I have changed my mindset so fundamentally that it is almost abhorrent to me now to eat fatty, high sugar foods. But on the other hand, it reveals an underlying anxiety. Despite the progress made on my weight, despite all the evidence that this is a sustainable plan, I am so frightened of ballooning back up again that I resist, meaning that I never fully enjoyed the relaxed diet.

This point shoould not be seen in isolation. It is a very clear expression of self confidence issues. My mind refuses to accept a positive, always seeking a negative. It remains a mental health barrier to overcome.

3) I have an increased sympathy for the wife. As much as I resent going to work (more on that later), it provides a structure and routine. My job is purely desk based and so I am able to set broad timings for when I will eat; 10-10.30am is fruit time, 10.30-11am is bar time, 12.30pm is lunchtime.

At home, I am caught between two conflicting demands. On the one hand, the kids need attention and so the morning can pass without my usual snacks (or water intake, perhaps a crucial point) and so I become more peckish later in the day. On the other hand, if the kids are engaged or napping, the lack of structure and ready access to food can lead to increased grazing. It is far harder to stick to a dedicated routine in this environment than it is at work.

* Ah, work. People are always quick to tell me how I should feel. 'It is so much less stressful than the last job, that must be a good thing!'

In a sense, yes. But that is a gross simplification and I don't need someone to try and own my emotions for me.

My week off has been good. It has brought its difficult moments. The kids are hard work, I do not exactly feel rested. But I have been able to do some things I wanted to do, including some really fun writing on videogames.

But there is a downside. The focus on things I enjoy doing brings into focus the things that I don't. I really enjoy writing and it is nice to have expanded my repertoire away from just mental health and to start taking in other interests. But it is just a hobby. Monday morning means back to the same old routine, the same tasks, the same frustrations.

I don't want my writing to be a hobby, I want more.

* I still occasionally have moments where I just think, 'What's the point?' I have published 3 books but no-one buys them. I write and publish blogs, reviews and stories on my website, just like this one. But no-one comes and visits. Why bother?

I get wrapped up in the moment. I have just recently completed a couple of retro game reviews, which were great fun to write. But other than a couple of hits, no-one has read them. I have not become a games reviewer overnight just because I posted something on my own site. Why bother?

Because I enjoy it, is the principle reason. I like to write, I like to test myself and I like to get lost in a world of my own creation. There is no outside influence, no pressure, I cannot be right or wrong, it is simply jotting down whatever thoughts I have. It is liberating.

And, just occasionally, perhaps someone out there can relate to it. Whether through a shared happy memory of a certain game, a nod and a wink to a film or even perhaps through the daily pain of struggling to cope in an unforgiving world.