1066 All Stars

Starting weight - 12st 4lbs

Lowest weight - 10st 12lbs

Current weight 11st 0lbs

Thoughts

* It struck me this morning that it has been 7 months since I embarked on this journey. My first post was on 1st September where I clocked in at 12st 4lbs. I remember clearly that I was concerned as to whether I could realistically sustain a healthy eating / living plan. Well here we are 7 months later, having lost (as of today) 18lbs and I am...

* Disappointed! Which is of course a measure of how far I have come. 11st has become almost a new standard for me. I have dipped below, consistently getting to 10st 12 and 13lbs but I routinely drift back to 11st and very rarely stray over. I had high hopes of dipping below for Easter but that is a fabricated deadline.

* It is surprising to me that I have broadly managed to maintain my eating plan. I have allowed the occasional deviation but essentially it is the same routine; a normal breakfast, 'dinner' at lunchtime and then a salad or vegetable based evening meal. Exercise continues to consist of a lunchtime walk.

* On top of that, I retain the desire not to eat junk in between. I pack a set of snacks to take to work - an apple, a fruit bar, perhaps some snack-a-jacks - but still routinely turn down biscuits, chocolate etc. When shopping, my primary drivers are price and fat / carb content. This has really become a way of life, not just a fad diet and that is perhaps the secret to having maintained the weight loss.

* I still have a way to go to reach my target of 10st 6lbs and that brings me into conflict. The problem with this plan is that my meals become limited. It is difficult to take, say, pork chops or a steak into the office for lunch and so I am often restricted to pasta or rice dishes. The lack of variety can be galling occassionally which leads to a temptation to indulge in a big burger or something at dinner. The key as ever of course is moderation. The occasional indulgence is absolutely fine.

* It feels nice to have lost weight. I find myself rubbing my stomach or catching a glance of myself in the mirror and being (relatively) pleased with what I see. I feel good. I look, well, alright. I still have some lumpy bits I am not pleased with but on the whole, I can be happy with my progress

* Mentally, the challenges remain. Depression remains a constant presence in the background. It is a difficult concept to fully explain and there is so much stigma and misunderstanding out there.

But one thing I can say from experience; depression is not something you can necessarily see. I would challenge all but my closest friends (and even then...) to know that I am depressed, or indeed to have known that I was so ill that I needed hospitalisation. Depression is not feeling low, it is very often an absence of emotion, a cold numbing to the world around us. Nothing matters. But we retain the cognitive recognition of what is expected of us and how society works. And herein lies one of the most difficult aspect of mental illness. To conform to expectations, to ensure that others do not feel discomfort as a result of our illness, we become adept at wearing masks, hiding our 'shame' from those around. But inside, the pain is real.

* And so it is that I find anxiety and depression remain daily challenges to overcome. Some days are better than others. It is not about thinking positively, it is about employing mindfulness; live in the moment, accept what is and understand that we must become the change we want to see.