1066 All Stars

Friday

Yesterday's weight - 10st 13lbs

Today's weight - 10st 12lbs

Food Log

* Strawberry & yoghurt crisp cereal / Balance ceral with sultanas

* 2x rice cakes

* 3x Fruit slice (1 pack)

* Apple

* Egg and cress sandwich and yoghurt (lunch)

* Cook...er, training food. Yeah, that's it.

* 3 piece chicken variety meal, baby! Nom, nom,nom (dinner)

* Fresh air (dessert)

Exercise

Walking - 50 mins

Thoughts

* Yesterday was difficult. I had real bad cravings and went to bed feeling really hungry. But I am rewarded this morning with my lowest weight yet.

* That weight in turn influences my actions. Yesterday I had been all set to eat some filth today as a treat, Post weigh in, I no longer want to eat unhealhily as I want to maintain this new lower weight.

* But this is the point of the daily challenge, to monitor the minutaie, to see the immediate impact of my decisions and what patterns emerge.

* At the same time, it reveals an underlying insecurity.When the diet started, I wanted to reach 12st, which I did. Then I wanted to reach 11st 7lbs, which I did. Then 11st 3lbs, then 11st, then sub-11st, all of which I did. Now I want to reach 10st 6lbs.

But when will it ever be enough? When can I say to myself, 'Hey you've done a good job there, you deserve a break now, regardless of if you put on a pound or two'? This is very much a 'real world' behaviour whereby I can never relax, my fight / flight response always kicked into high gear so that my mind feels there is always a threat, a constant danger to overcome. This heightened state leads to anxiety, which in turn can lead to depression.

So, what should I do? Should I indulge or no? If yes, do I weigh myself the next day and try to impassionately observe the results, whcih will more than likely result in disappointment and regret when I see my weight increase by a digit? Or do I avoid a weigh in, allow myself the freedom but accept the state of doubt, and therefore anxiety, that comes with it? 

These are trivial questions of course, but they get to the heart of the indecision that haunts me every hour of every day that ultimately feeds my anxiety cycyle.

I am aware, that is good. But clearly further work is required to overcome.

* Blimey, that was all a bit deep for 7am.

* As lunchtime came I considered a McDonalds but I really had a hankering for chicken and chips. I didn't want such filling, greasy food at lunch so settled on a sandwich.

* The evening meal therefore becomes the main meal. I pondered the 2 piece variety meal based on the price but decided, hey, if you're gonna go for it, go big or go home, right? So I splashed out and went for the full bad boy. Although as I type I have taken a mid session interval with a wing, piece and a handful of chips still left.

* I did make up for it to some extent with a little unanticipated walk. I couldn't find a parking space and so had to HIKE to the ruddy chicken shop. I would have been as well to have parked on the drive.

* One final weigh in tomorrow morning with some thoughts but I can't be bothered to maintain the food log for another day. I am expecting to creep up a pound but I will be disappointed if I have gone back over the 11st threshold.