1066 All Stars

Last weight - 10 st 13lbs

New weight - 11st 0lbs

Target weight - 10st 6lbs

Thoughts

* Not a disaster, and perhaps reflective of natural fluctuations in weight, but disappointing to tip back over the 11st line.

* This should be seen in the context of a difficult week. Exercise was interrupted and of course Wednesday brought challenges of its own. Generally though I find that I am more likely to allow a snack here and there. Not a great problem, I have lost enough weight that the occassional biscuit is unlikely to break the scales. But if I want to achieve my target, I will need to make a choice to say no.

* Mood wise I have been finding things increasingly difficult. Anxiety is a constant issue but I am also conscious of moments of low mood that, if left unchecked, can very easily develop into a longer term depression.

What is the cause? As ever the answer is somewhat complicated.

1) Parenting - it is hard. Being a parent of multiples is even harder. It is a constant demand, there is never time off, there is always something to be done. This is the life I chose and so it is important to find a way through but that does not negate the difficulty.

2) Routine - I am bored of the monotony. Life is just a wash, rinse and repeat cycle of get up, go to work, come home, look after kids, short relax and then bed. I need a break, I need a change. And yet here is the great contradiction of anxiety - when presented with a change of routine (meeting friends, a party etc) my immediate reaction is one of resistance, an unfounded fear of how I will cope which restricts my level of activity.

3) Mindfulness - I cannot believe that my redundancy still plays on my mind and yet it does. Any time a situation presents itself that is in any way comparable to my last job, it generates pangs of regret and sadness as a crushing realisation passes over me of what once was compared to what now is. In many ways my life now is better - I leave on time, I have far less stress, I don't work from home - yet my mind clings to the status of old, regardless of how bad it was for my health.

3) Lack of support - Probably the most difficult aspect is the need and expectation from others to carry on. It is almost as though my 3 month stay in a mental hospital never happened. I did not simply go in, get fixed and come out all better. I was broken. The Priory showed me how I could fix myself but my redundancy meant that I left before all the pieces could be put back together. Now I am trying to figure out where they all go and I don't always get it right.

I think of it like this - imagine you could pack your life into a bag. Over the years you accumulate lots of stuff, some of which you don't need. Many of us are efficient at throwing the unnecessary stuff away or are strong enough to carry our bags. But some of us need help.

The Priory not only helped to empty my bags of rubbish, they even helped me carry them for a while. It felt great. But then all of a sudden I had to carry them by myself again, had to make my own decisions about what I kept and what I discarded. Sometimes I travelled light, but often times my bags would become full to bursting and all I wanted was someone to help carry the load.