1066 All Stars

Middle of week 14 - 3rd December

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 2lb

New weight - 11st 2lb

Comments

* At some point I'll stop being surprised. After stuffing my face on Saturday night, and with exercise rather limited so far this week, I was quite prepared for some increase in weight. The weigh in is therefore a pleasant surprise and once again validates my feeling that I have built in a level of resilience, meaning that I can afford the odd 'slip' here and there.

* That said, I must still be careful. I reached a similar point in my last great weight loss, surprising myself when not packing on weight after indulging in a huge bag of crisps. Balance, as ever, is the key to a sustainable plan.

* Some interesting reactions this week though. You can read my full thoughts on the weekend in 'Take The Long Road And Walk It' but in terms of this blog, I noted how guilty I felt at having such a large meal on Saturday. I enjoyed the evening but had the nagging thought in the back of my mind that I would pay for it when the weigh in came. Same with missing an exercise session. I didn't take a lunch break yesterday after getting in late and the single missed walk caused me some anxiety.

What is the cause of these thoughts? Catastrophising, one of my common thought errors. I have difficulty seeing perspective on an issue, my mind creating a black and white scenario where everything is either good or bad, bad meaning THE WORST THING EVER, with no series of grades in between. I recognise it, which is good, but the key now is to try and figure out how to address it.

* I finally saw the physio this week for my ongoing neck issues and was fascinated by what I discovered.

I am very aware the my experience at The Priory last year was a life changing event. It gave me a unique opportunity to review my life, understand the consequences of the choices I had made and the external factors that affected me. The majority of my writing since (in fact the very act of writing itself) has been influenced in some way by my time there.

And it came to the fore again at the physio. Firstly in a very practical sense. The physio took me through the issues I was experiencing and demonstrated that these were not physiological per se, there is nothing fundamentally broken or wrong. Specific movements and exercises can help to relieve the symptoms but it is important to understand the cause of the pain. And so I must evaluate my actions; how I pick up objects, my posture, where I carry tension and how I release it. The guidance was familiar to me both in the science (the effect of cortisol levels released by stress) and the theory (understand the underlying problem, treat the cause, change).

But as a secondary influence, I noted simply my ability to accept. If you break down the advice given, it effectively amounts to the fact that I must make changes. I encountered the same scenario at The Priory. I have spoken about this before but when I first entered therapy, I assumed I was broken, fundamentally flawed. I wanted that validation that there was something wrong with me, giving me a reason to withdraw from life. But slowly I began to understand that in fact the factors that affected my mental health were within my control. I had to change, for without change we are destined to remain in the same unhealthy cycle. Only once I accepted this fundamental fact could I begin the road to recovery.

And so I find that I can accept this advice from the physio. It is not my fused vertebrae. It is not some congenital flaw. It is my life and how I lead it. I can change.