1066 All Stars

Day 43 - 13th October

Food Log

Breakfast - Bran flakes with sultanas

Lunch - Egg mayo sandwich and Go Ahead fruit slice (x3)

Dinner - 2x burgers in one bun, brocolli, green beans

Dessert - Cornetto style cone

In Between Meal Snacks

3x crackerbread

Cadbury Brunch Bar

Satsuma

Thoughts & Feelings

* Like one of those weather patterns with all the blue bars and small, tightly pressed arrows, low mood continues to dominate.

* For the first time, I have found this low mood is affecting my eating plans. To now, I have been resistant to the snacking desire, happy that as much as I like sweets and crisps, I would prefer to lose weight. Today, I just want to eat absolute crap. On the plus side, I haven't been shopping so I don't have any. On the down side, I haven't been shopping and need to go, thereby being presented with temptation.

* Hence the return of the daily food log. It helps keep me focused and honest about what I eat. Having to write it down will hopefully act as a deterrent to junk and binge eating.

* Dinner was that hodge podge of wanting to use up what's in the freezer versus not wanting to eat too much garbage. Shopping done, meal plans are now back in effect.

* It's time to address the elephant in the room. My low mood is undoubtedly exacerbated by work. I have resisted directly blogging about this as I don't want to write something that could compromise me but it needs to be addressed in order for me to move on. I am miserable at the moment, trapped in a cycle of negativity and self recrimination. I want to write professionally and anything else is a distant second best. As a result, I am disinterested and detached.

* I received two pieces of advice this week, both of which I dismissed out of hand at the time. Now, with some perspective, I am able to see the sense of them.

* The first was that, if I am frustrated and feel I am underachieving, seek more, put myself forward for additional work.

* The second, not unrelated advice was an encouragment to make my opinions heard, to critique, suggest, mould and shape.

* Both pieces of advice cut to the root of the issue. I have been deliberately holding back from committing fully to work. I believe there are two principle reasons. One is the desire to be renumerated for creative writing as a vocation. The second is a hangover from my redundancy (yes, still). Bottom line is I'm not going to paid to write professionally any time soon. It is a dream. And as for the redundancy? It hurt. It still hurts, but life moves on. So must I.

* Therapy showed me the importance of change, both accepting it and applying it. I work with good people. They accepted me unconditionally and each of them contributes to a supportive, fun environment. I have a good work / life balance. My stress levels, at least from work, are manageable. Is it the dream? No. But things could be a whole lot worse. I can contribute. I can make a difference. I can be happy here. I owe it to myself to at least try.

* And hey, I'm still a published author.