1066 All Stars

End of week 6 - 12th October

Starting weight - 12 st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 7lb

New weight - 11st 8lb

Comments

* A pound gained from last week but to be honest, a pretty good result all things considered. The last two weekends have seen me out and away from my usual routines. And, with a treat of pizza (and a visit to nanny's), the diet has effectively been placed on hold for a couple of days. I guess what I'm saying is, it could have been worse.

* A hard week emotionally. My mood has been extremely low all week and I am struggling to grasp whether it is simply that or if the spectre of depression looms. Perhaps the best strategy is not to dwell on it, otherwise I might talk myself into a depressive cycle. Therapy taught me the fundamental lesson of choice. We do not choose to be depressed but if I wake up in a low mood, I can choose how to react to it. I can choose to allow depression to dominate my mood that day. Or, I can choose to do things differenly, to attempt to work my way through it. It is easier said than done but half the battle is recognising and accepting that this fundamental choice exists.

* With autumn now upon us, and the weather already taking a downward turn, I need to think about how to fit exercise into my routine. The lunhtime walk is likley to face more disruption so it is important to try and find an alternative.

* My anxiety levels are seemingly at an all time high. The slightest thing seems to trigger it and set me off; A simply question or statement, such as what we need to do that week or something we need to buy, sends me into a cycle of fear and panic, my mind telling me that I can't make a decision, that I don't have time, asking why someone else can't just do it because I am not capabale; I found myself in a room full of people I didn't know and near enough panicked, desperate to find a corner to hide in; I turned into Sainsbury's car park, found the work being down had closed the exit to the lane I drove down and froze, forgetting the basic controls to the car, the guy coming the other way having to inch his way round me; even the sound of my children playing and laughing is like finger nails down a blackboard. It is a state of hyper stimulation making it impossible to relax.

* It happens at work too but my natural mask wearing instinct seems to kick in. Others probably don't notice but when put in a pressure or decision making situation, internally I panic, my mind racing. On the outside though, I maintain a clam exterior until eventually the panic level subsides and I am able to think clearly.

* At the same time, my neck pain has increased and it seems likely that the two are linked. It starts at my neck, creeps up the back of my skull before enveloping my whole head. At the same time, it spreads across my shoulders and down my back, my whole top half locking up. Sometimes it hurts simply to stand still, other times it hurts to turn my head. It undoubtedly makes me feel more tired, directly affecting my ability to work and to achieve my goals. In turn, it both feeds and is fed by my depression and anxiety issues. I have a physio appointment to look forward to in the next 2-3 months but will need to manage it carefully in the meantime. 

* This week I asked my Facebook freinds to share the links to my books to try to drum up some interest. I only have 40 friends on Facebook, in part a legacy of waking up in a bad mood one day and deleting a bunch of people. It was petty and likely a result of one of my mental health triggers coming into play. I regret it but it is done. I was disappointed therefore to find that only a couple of people took the time to share the links. I pondered whether to acknowledge this on my status, ultimately deciding to post something relatively sarcastic, indirectly criticising those who didn't share. Again, it was pretty petty and I considered deleting it (much as I am considering deleting this entry even whilst I type it) but I thought it important to live with the consequences of my actions. It was how I felt at the time. I am responsible for my actions, right or wrong.