1066 All Stars

Day 5 - 5th September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Bran Flakes (with sultanas)

Lunch - Ham salad sandwich with salad cream

Dinner - 2x lamb kebabs, carrots, broccoli, caluliflower, small portion of shallow fried potatoes

Dessert - Mr Kipling slice

In between meal snacks:

3 Snack A Jacks

Salad pot - 4 celery stick, 4 radishes, 2 spring onions with salad cream

Apple

Thoughts and Feelings

* One of the ironies in life is that it is far harder to eat healthily than it is to eat muck. After a long day at work and the kids are in bed, energy lacking, enthusiasm waning, it is far easier to slip a tray of chips in the oven than to go to the time and hassle of putting a healthy meal together. It needs to be thought out in advance, everything requires preparation.

* My day is becoming noticeably dominated by food. My day is operated in segments between when I can next eat. Perhaps it has always been thus, I just never noticed because I would give in to the craving. Hopefully it will get easier as I lose some weight and my body adjusts to the new routine, although I suspect a large part of this is due to boredom at work. but that's a blog for another time.

* Despite the above, I haven't noticed any obvious mood shift. I did observe a period of what I can only describe as general anxiety, an undefined sense of being overwhelmed by a few different things at the same time (the kids bedtime routine, our day at Chessington tomorrow, an important date) but with no specific trigger or fundamental issue behind any of them.

* The Chessington anxiety is interesting and worth exploring further. Tomorrow we have a free day out to the theme park for the whole family. Undoubtedly a Good Thing. And yet I am anxious about it, to the point that I don't want to go. Why? There are two principle reasons I think I can pinpoint. Firstly, it is a work event and I don't know anyone. I don't know where to go and don't know what to expect when we get there. So in summary, a fundamental fear of the unknown. Secondly, I don't feel prepared. When we went to Legoland, it was in the middle of our holiday. We built up to it, I had time off work, it was the only thing to concentrate on. Saturday's are often very difficult for me mood wise as it is. The culmination of a working week leaves me tired and cranky, meaning one of the two days I have with my kids I usually feel like doing anything but. By Sunday, I am usually back to normal. So this weekend, I have to jump straight in.

* 12 months on from therapy, I am tempted to be disappointed by this reaction, tempted to ask, 'why do I still react this way?' as if I am at fault. But that is judgement. Mindfulness encourages us instead to observe. My anxiety is noted and I will monitor it and try to understand it. But I will not beat myself up for having feelings.

* Good walk today, utilising the full hour. Helps to have something compelling to listen to, my current choice being a rotation of wrestling podcasts (Austin, JR, Jericho).

* The afternoon brought tiredness and hunger pangs. I gave in, reaching for another Snack A Jack. I actually took two out but after someone else enquired about them, I jumped at the chance to offload one, knowing I would regret eating 4 in one day. 3 is still more than I planned.

* Once again I refused the opportunity to finish off the girls' dinner. Small victories but each one counts.