1066 All Stars

After a 3 year gap, an interesting follow up session with the psychiatrist this week.

I had gone into the appointment with a broad idea of what topics would be covered and whilst they largely were, there were certainly some surprises. The majority of the discussion was taken up with a subject I had not anticipated and one that even I am not brave enough to disclose here! It is an underlying issue but one I had not previously considered as part of my mental make up. In hindsight I can see that it has impacted me for some time and it is a relief to know that it is now being addressed.

In many ways, I wasn’t sure what I was looking for out of the session. After all, I hadn’t actually planned on seeing the psychiatrist at all having originally envisaged seeing a counsellor. The advantage of seeing a psychiatrist is that, rather than just getting you to open up, they probe for causes and underlying symptoms, targeting the precise areas that need to be addressed. I come away from the session with some new medication to try (the previous anti-depressants proving ineffective and exacerbating tiredness) plus two referrals, including a CBT therapist specialising in my areas of difficulty.

Each visit, I find myself marvelling at how this professional is able to so accurately assess me from such short meetings. It is heartening to hear someone say that I am selling myself short, that my anxieties are holding me back, that I am far more capable than I give myself credit for and that, most importantly of all, things can be better. He was surprised that I feel comfortable explaining something I am knowledgeable on to an executive committee but terrified when performing a routine admin task, behaviour that reflects a black and white need to have absolute knowledge of a situation (impossible of course) before having any semblance of confidence. And even then, I shy away from appearing too confident in case it is mistaken for arrogance, another perpetual fear and one that undoubtedly serves to undermine my personal relationships.

I was also fascinated by his observations on my redundancy, something that hangs over me 3 years later. I had perhaps focused on the negatives; feeling rejected, unable to find work, taking ‘low grade’ temp jobs and feeling robbed of the opportunity to put what I had learned into practice. He noted that I looked back wistfully on a job that never was. I have perhaps maintained a fantasy that I would have returned to my job, magically reintegrated myself and completed my journey of change. The truth of course was that I hated my job and was thoroughly miserable and there was as much chance of falling back into my old unhealthy behaviours as there was in embracing new ones.

So what now? Some targeted CBT sessions with a therapist will hopefully help me to work through the inherent confidence issues I suffer from, after which an appointment with a specialist to sort out the ‘other thing.’

I feel positive moving forward. Part of me had wondered (again) if I was just a big, whiny fraud who needed to suck it up and get on with life. It is therefore gratifying to seek professional advice and understand that these are deep rooted psychological issues holding me back. In many ways, I am back where I started before therapy. But at the same time, I recognise the lessons learned, accept that I can change and know that it can work.

Random thoughts…

…the whole confidence / arrogance thing has a major impact on developing friendships. Over the last few weeks, I have been wrestling with the concept that people don’t like me very much and, where they do, that they like others better or will soon tire of me. Why I feel the need to rank myself in someone’s affections is an issue in and of itself but regardless, I find myself constantly scrutinising my own behaviour, looking for signs in something I have said or done that may have caused someone to stop liking me. It is tiring, not to mention fruitless…

…linked to this, it occurred to me that I operate a double standard. I crave affection whilst offering none back, wanting (expecting?) others to welcome me warmly and invite me in whilst remaining stand offish and disengaged. As a result, I am aware that I have a very small circle of close friends, which accentuates the importance of each one, thereby heightening my sensitivity to potential conflict or misunderstanding. Ultimately, I end up feeling isolated and lonely a lot of the time. If I want to be included, I have to start being inclusive…

…worryingly, I noticed how I have started projecting this behaviour onto my children. Looking at one of the girls play with her friend, the thought occurred to me, ‘Does her friend really like her? What if she gets bored? What if my child annoys her and they aren’t friends anymore?’ It is revealing of the fundamental confidence issue that runs through me that I think even my own children will be deemed not good enough by their peers…

…I repeatedly find myself questioning my actions, another confidence issue. Any decision is like approaching a fork in the road and instead of just picking a direction, I find myself stuck, unable to decide where to go. Case in point are posts like this. When I first started blogging, I was proud to do so openly, to share my experience, normalise mental health issues and maybe, just maybe, help someone else who was struggling. My published collections contain a frightful level of personal stories that I have no regrets in sharing. But more recently, I have started to question if I share too much. It’s not that I don’t think people will care, they are of course free to not read. It’s more an indefinable sense of getting it wrong, whatever ‘it’ happens to be.