1066 All Stars

Current weight – 11st 1lb

* A surprising weigh in. After hovering around the 11st 4lbs mark, and coming off the back of a trip to Hastings, I felt bloated and heavy and fully expected a similar weight. A pleasant surprise then to find I have apparently trimmed a couple of pounds.

* Part of me immediately looks to dismiss it as unrealistic or a mistake of some kind. In and of itself a harmless, if unnecessary reaction. As part of a longer term pattern however, this is my brain refusing to allow positivity, wanting to find the dark cloud in every silver lining.

* A difficult week mood wise that finally appears to be drawing to a close. I have been very low and insular, deliberately seeking solitude whist at the same time lacking the energy and desire to engage in any hobbies. Like the recent weather, midweek sees the fog appearing to lift at last. I feel like a bear emerging from a cave of depressive hibernation.

* Why the change? The low mood was brought about by a combination of pressures that I allowed to overcome me. The change in mood could only come once these were addressed. The resolutions themselves are, ironically, unimportant. It is the process of addressing, rather than internalising, ruminating and procrastinating that is important.

* A visitor last night also helped in two ways. Firstly, it forces me to become more outgoing as I do not want my depressive state to be known to others. Whilst behaviour masks can be unhealthy, there is a certain truth in living the way you want to be; if you pretend to be happy long enough, you might just convince yourself.

Secondly, it gave me the chance to talk about mental health. I am eternally grateful for my time in therapy, it fundamentally changed my life. When I enter a period of low mood or high anxiety, it can become tempting to question if I have progressed at all. But speaking about my experience, sharing it with others, reminds me of the lessons learned. Life, as I so often preach, is a journey. There are detours and side rides, one way systems and gridlocked traffic. There are delays and cancellations and roads that seem to lead nowhere. The point is that there is no singular path, the important thing is to keep going.