1066 All Stars

Who are you calling a dummy?

One of the difficulties of parenting is that everyone has an opinion and more people than you would like are happy to share it with you.

Advice can be helpful of course, but when it strays from ‘this is what I did, you might find it useful’ to ‘unless you do this you are wrong’ it can not only leave you feeling confused but also make you feel inadequate.

Some parents will tell you that using a dummy is the tool of the devil. ‘Why would you need one of those?’ they might say. ‘Why our sweet little Rosalina never needed a pacifier.’

Well good for little Rosalina but for the rest of us, especially parents of twins, we’ll take whatever help we can get, ta.

Using dummies is a personal choice based on your circumstances. We initially resisted but after the first couple of weeks of atrociously disrupted sleep, we tried them and they had an instant impact. Suddenly the girls would happily go to sleep and, just as crucially, could be resettled when they woke. And when our son was born, we didn’t hesitate, using dummies from the outset.

We went into dummy use with a clear mindset though. Both of us as parents were uncomfortable with the image of a child of talking age having a dummy and so broadly set a target that once they were capable of understanding, it was time for the dummies to go away with the dummy fairy. Plus we generally restricted them to night time use only. Surprisingly, it worked too, the girls happily giving them up with no discernible impact on their sleep.

With the arrival of our son, things were slightly different. The basic rules remain the same and, at 14 months we are drawing ever nearer to the inevitable handover date. But right from the start, he has been more dummy reliant.

Perhaps this is not unexpected though. As with so many other parental responsibilities, it was different with the girls. Yes they were twins and so we always had two but their development ran parallel. With our son, the girls are independent and have demands of their own which makes it far more difficult to concentrate solely on Aiden’s needs.

This is undoubtedly exacerbated by my anxiety issues. When the girls demand my time and when Aiden is crying, it becomes far easier to give him a dummy to quiet him, rather than attempting (and likely failing) to manage everything all at once. His daytime use far exceeds that of the girls and I sense that he will find it harder to give it up too.

I try and resist the urge to judge myself. Mindfulness reminds us to live in the present moment without judgement. In those moments, what is the best course of action; to resist the dummy and steadfastly plough on in martyrdom whilst my tether slowly reaches its end? Or be kind to myself, give myself room to breathe and space to adjust? And besides, predictions of doom and gloom at the dummy sacrifice are just that; predictions. I do not know how he will react and looking ahead with a negative mindset is an unfounded (and unhealthy) projection.

And, hey, these things are called pacifiers for a reason.

Life Moves Pretty Fast

I remember when I started at secondary school our head of year told us to cherish these years as they would soon be gone. With the arrogance of youth we laughed this off as the ramblings of a deluded old fool only to find ourselves looking back 7 years later, on the cusp of University, wondering where our childhood had gone.

These thoughts come back to me as I think on my time as a parent. The development of a child is marked by milestones; from the first tooth, to the first tentative steps, the first garbled word to the first day at nursery.

The trouble is that as exciting as some of these moments are, in between is the daily grind. On more occasions than I care to admit, I have found myself wishing that the next milestone would come along to ease the burden of the day. If only they could talk I would know what they want. If only they were big enough they could push each other on the swing. If only they were at nursery I could get some chores done around the house.

But then the milestones come and I am reduced to that same 18 year old, staring at my A-Level results and realising that school is over. Where has the time gone?

These thoughts are natural. Surely all of us as parents have wished for time to pass and all of us had those pangs of regret when we realise that it has.

But twins and anxiety bring a different level of regret. It is difficult for me to filter out how much of my issues are due to having twins versus having anxiety but twins by their very nature double the stress at every turn.

I find myself wishing away not milestones but rather daily life as I often find myself feeling completely overwhelmed by their demands. It may be a difficult concept to convey to other parents, especially those who have children with siblings and may not understand what is so different. But with a standard sibling relationship, one child is always older therefore the demands are subtly different. With twins, they want the same things at the same time all the time. Add their baby brother into the mix and it is a recipe for anxiety flavoured disaster.

As a result, I often find myself clock watching, waiting for their bed time when I can finally get some peace and quiet before the chaos starts again the next day. I am not motivated by my work yet I find the weekends incredibly difficult, unable to find a balance between my own need for rest and recuperation versus their needs from me as a father.

Suddenly they are four and I find myself wondering where I was during their childhood. Was I the father that they needed during these formative years? Or was I too preoccupied by my own mental health issues or the game I wanted to play or the football I was trying to watch? I wonder if I did my best.

The inevitable result is a cycle of guilt and resentment that will inevitably pedal its way to a depressive episode.

Mindfulness is perhaps the key. A large portion of my anxiety is caused by dreams of what if or reminiscences of what has gone. But these things cannot be influenced or changed, the only reality is the here and now. Long term happiness and contentment comes from finding this acceptance.

I am still looking.