1066 All Stars

Current weight – 11st 1lb

Thoughts

* My weight appears to have stabilised at or around 11st. I have succumbed to temptation to weigh myself more frequently, sometimes daily, which records fluctuations between 11st to 11st 2lbs but never under and never over.

* It is tempting to be frustrated but I think it is time to be realistic. My goal was always to get to 10st 6lbs but my lowest so far has been 10st 12 lbs. I am coming round to the thought that 11st is pretty much my natural weight and driving myself down further would require regular gym work or swimming perhaps, neither of which fit conveniently into my current work / life / home balance.

* I posted a picture of myself recently on Facebook, showing the results of my plan and how I look at 11st. It was a shame in hindsight that I didn’t take a picture at the outset for a ‘before and after’ comparison, but then I never truly expected to be at this point.

The picture drew some ‘likes’ and some nice comments but, honestly, I would rather people read and share this post. In many ways this covers everything I want to say about mental illness, the attitude of those who don’t understand and my own struggles on the road to recovery.

* I was very conscious this last week that my mood appeared to have significantly lowered at the weekend versus during the week work. It is incredibly disappointing when you find that your two days of ‘freedom’ are blighted by anxiety, irritability and tiredness, only for these symptoms to seemingly lift magically when back in the office, a location I quite clearly do not want to be in. Sunday in particular, striding round Sainsbury’s, brought a momentary overwhelming sense of sadness. Part of me just wanted to sit on the floor and wish the world away.

Why? I think the reasons are nuanced. Firstly, there is a pressure to ‘perform’ at the weekend, driven by those old devils the ‘must’, ‘should’ and ‘have to’ statements. I ‘must’ achieve certain chores. I ‘should’ be relaxed and enjoy time with my children. I ‘have to’ put my desires on the backburner and put their needs first.

Secondly, there is a touch of Stockholm Syndrome. Despite my negativity towards it, work provides a structure and routine that we become accustomed to. It is almost as if without it, I lose a safety net and convince myself that I don’t have the capacity to define my own role outside the one that is fashioned for me.

Thirdly, there is an underlying sense of resentment that, despite being ‘free’ from the shackles of work, I am anything but. One job is replaced by another as I trade in being a Senior Analyst for being a Father.

And fourthly perhaps a growing frustration with my ‘chosen’ vocation. Work is a means to an end but as my recovery journey continues, I am exploring more areas of interest, the latest being writing videogame reviews. It is a nice hobby that gives me something pleasant to focus on but this leisure time passion brings sharply into focus that I find work unfulfilling. I don’t want to spend the next 30-odd years detesting what I do for the majority of my life. I want work to be enjoyable and something that I take pride and satisfaction in.

So what is the answer? Mindfulness of course, an acceptance of what is in that moment, without judgement. But you cannot just decide to mindful, much like you cannot simply decide not to be depressed. It is a skill to be practiced and learnt.