1066 All Stars

Oh The Guilt

One of the most difficult aspects of mental illness, especially the flavour of depression and anxiety that my mind appears to favour, is the loss of perspective and difficulty in making decisions.

This manifests itself daily in all sorts of scenarios; from work, to shopping, videogames to money matters. And of course, parenting.

Every decision taken is agonising, and is then agonised over. This helps to feed the anxiety cycle which helps it to grow, which in turn feeds a downward spiral of rumination into depression.

At 3 (almost 4) and 10 months, my children are too young to understand. All they see is the end result; a dad who is equal parts loving, fun and caring vs grumpy, shouty and tired.

It pains me to wonder what sort of example I am setting for them, what negative influence I am having on their development. They are good children on the whole. Sure, they have their moments like all kids, exacerbated by having twins who find a way to argue over everything. Yet I find myself losing my temper with them, especially at the weekend when I am tired from a long week at work.

Having twins magnifies this. We had to resort to IVF and so there is a part of your brain that says, 'Hey, you should be extra grateful that you have them.' Inherently they are special but that does not mean that I am immune from thoughts and feelings of frustration.

But as difficult as it is, it is important to try and stop this guilt cycle from setting off down the hill. Am I the perfect dad? No. Could I do better? No doubt. But on a daily basis, within each moment, I try my best. Sometimes I get it wrong.

Mindfulness teaches us not to dwell on events that have gone or have yet to come to pass. I cannot change what has been. I cannot predict what may come. All I can do is live in the present.

Two Heads Are Better Than One / We're In This Together

Parenting is not an exact science and we will all have our own thoughts on how to manage. Which means that sometimes you may have a different opinion than your good lady wife.

Nothing wrong with that of course. In fact it helps to create a healthy dynamic. But there may be times when this spills over into arguments between yourselves, either directly related to the children or, more likely, simply as a result of simmering frustration boiling over at a secondary consequence.

During these moments, it is important to remember that you are a partnership. You may have very different roles but as mum and dad, you are two sides of the same coin.

So remember to take care of each other. You might be tired and irritable from work. She is just as tired and irritable from looking after your little darlings all day long. Help each other take the strain, share the load. You may be mummy and daddy to them but you will always be husband and wife to each other.

Still to come:

What About Me?

Life Moves Pretty Fast

What's That Coming Over The Hill, Is It A Monster? No It's Their Brother!