1066 All Stars

Middle of week 21 - 21st January

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 1lbs

New weight - 11st 1lbs

Comments

* This week started with a bang (well, a splat really) as a virus ran rampant through the house laying waste to all and sundry. I managed to escape the worst of it (apart from the smell) but nonetheless found myself prone for most of Sunday and missing an evening meal. Monday was a day of recovery with a short family walk to the shops providing some exercise and much needed fresh air.

* One aspect of my mental illness is the reliance on external sources for validation of self, belying any outward sense of confidence in my own judgement. It occurs to me that I risk doing the same with my weight. It is healthy to have a target and it is nice to see the numbers tumble but I also think it important not to fixate on these alone. When will it be enough? What magical figure will be deemed ultimately acceptable? The risk is none, and so it is far healthier to instead look for a point in time when I can simply be happy and comfortable with who I am, how I feel, regardless of what the number says on the machine.

* Today's weigh in is a case in point. Despite no movement since the last weigh in, 11st 1lbs, in respect of where I started, is a tremendous achievement and yet I find myself disappointed at not having moved the dial. So, in keeping with a blog I started elsewhere, let's take a moment to be kind to myself and consider some positives...

... I have lost 17lbs since this started

... I have dropped a trouser size and 2 belt notches

... my shirts are looser than ever

... I have implemented and stuck with a healthy eating plan

... I have implemented and stuck with an exercise regime

... and I have achieved all this whilst battling mental illness

* Whilst the healthy living aspect of this regime has progressed well, what has been the impact on my mental health? My general mood is clearly improved. I still have twinges of depression, those moments when I feel a disassociation with the world around me where you can be lonely despite being in a room full of people. But broadly speaking, depression has been kept at bay.

Anxiety however remains a major issue but this should not come as a surprise. My anxiety issues are not directly related to my physical well being, they are borne of a lifetime of thinking errors, deep rooted schemas. I succumb to them far more often than I would like, manifesting mainly around the children, which then morphs into a sense of guilt and recrimination which threatens to allow depression to set back in.

These are issues that won't be overcome in a few weeks or months. I am trying to undo a lifetime of behaviour and this is a process that may take years. As above, it is therefore important to be kind to myself, to recognise and acknowledge where I have done well and to forgive myself for mistakes made along the way.