1066 All Stars

End of week 19 - 10th January

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 3lbs

New weight - 11st 2lbs

Comments

* Despite a good week in terms of diet and exercise, I had been quite nervous about this weigh in. I still feel a bit flabby, my stomach feels bigger than I would like and so I had visions of putting on weight, losing motivation etc. This is of course the mindfulness trap I noted in my last update. I have eaten healthily. I have exercised regularly. There is no more that I could have done to influence my weight this week and so the only thing to do is to accept the outcome. And in any event of course, my fears were unfounded.

* It is nice once again to get past the 3 pound mark, the mythical 'natural weight' figure I hold in my mind.

* I was struck this week by the inescapable thought that my life is utterly ordinary. I have a beautiful wife. I have adorable twin girls. I have a bouncing baby boy. I own my own house, I have a full time job. I have enough money that I don't need to worry exactly how much. So why isn't this enough?

Because I want more.

In part this is mental illness speaking, judging myself against others and always coming up short. But there is another part, that tells me I am underachieving. That I have settled.

And yet this other part of me is full of conflict and contradiction.

I earn a reasonable salary. But why don't I earn £40k or £50k like others do? Why do I not have a profession that I can cite as my own and tout my qualifications?

Because, the negative side tells me, you're not good enough.

I enjoy writing, I'm pretty good at it. I read things that other people have written and think hey, I could do that. Why am I not being paid to write? Why shouldn't I have a job in media and publishing?

Because, the negative side tells me, you're not good enough.

Other people cope. I've been to therapy, I'm all better now, right? So why can't I move on?

Because, the negative side tells me, you're not good enough.

And so it goes on. The contradiction is clear; I hold myself to a standard that I feel incapable of ever reaching. Nothing I achieve could ever be enough because someone else has always done better.

* Deep within my notes from The Priory will be details on Schemas, patterns of thought and behaviour that we learn and come to use as a default reaction. I am succumbing to mine. Therapy taught me that what is learned can be unlearned, with patience and kindness to self. We can change. Once again I find that I understand the theory, the application is far harder.

* Walking round my house is like a mental health trigger centre.

...the curtains I haven't put up

...the shelves I haven't put up

...the clothes that need washing

...the floor that needs cleaning

...the sheets that need changing

...the rooms that need tidying

...the stuff that needs selling / chucking

...and on and on. I am aware so why don't I just get on with them? Whay am i giving in to the mental health trap of procrastination?

Because I don't know how! I don't know how to use the drill; when I tried, I don't know why it wouldn't go through the wall and I'm scared to try again; I might put the shelves up wrong, wasting my money and ruining the wall; I don't have time to do all the other chores, there is always some washing up to be done, some meal to prepare, some shopping to be done, some child to attend to.

It feels like a never ending torrent of chores and so I never start. And by never starting I never finish, and so feel like a failure.

* What is the solution? These issues are not going awa, there is no magic wand. I don't know, it is something I am wrestling with but I suspect once again that the answer lies in mindfulness.