1066 All Stars

Middle of week 19 - 7th January

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 3lbs

New weight - 11st 3lbs

Comments

* A weigh in of routine, rather than expectation this morning, however a part of my mind was instantly disappointed not to have lost anything. Nonsense of course, it has been 2 days. This impatience is a theme I will return to.

* My legs ache!

* I was discussing the other day how certain situations make me feel uncomfortable and set off my anxiety triggers. As part of this, I observed how I find it more difficult to work with a group of what I would consider my peers, versus working with those I would consider more junior to me. In one sense, this is just a preference. I have always enjoyed the coaching and mentoring aspect of management and working with younger, less experienced people gives me the opportunity to do this. But there is also a mental health aspect at work. Dealing with those junior to me means that I am in control. I hold the knowledge, I hold the power base. I am, to all intents and purposes, unchallenged. In a group of peers, I may be challenged, even contradicted. More subtly, someone may simply disagree with me or present another way of considering something. In these situations, my default reaction is to assume that I am wrong and the other person is right. Why? It is a fundamental lack of confidence and one of the main aspects of my psyche that I want to address.

* This train of thought led me once again to assess where I find myself professionally. I have been in my new job for almost a year now and yet still I am not entirely comfortable. I almost feel as if I am in someone else's house, I do not feel as if I truly belong. I remain distracted by comparison to why has come before, unable to simply accept what is now and adjust accordingly.

* Linked to this, I have been considering where I am in my journey of recovery. Should I be further along by now? In a sense, I have never been better. That I can write like this, free and uninhibited, is a relief and a joy. Yet I find myself feeling fragile. Professionally, my workload and stress level is nowhere near what it was. Whilst this can be a positive, it has heightened the sense that I am incapable of doing anything more. If a new task is presented to me, my immediate mindset is that I can't do it. I don't know how or if I could ever return to a position of management or seniority.

* An underlying theme to some of these issues is mindfulness. It is such a powerful tool. Depression might be seen as regret of the past, anxiety worry of the future. Mindfulness is the anchor to the here and now, a reminder to live and experience the moment you are in without judgement. Wistful reminiscence is fine once in a while, as is an occasional day dream of what may come. But when it becomes obsessive or unhealthy, mindfulness reminds us to let go of these unhelpful thought cycles. We can only change the present.

So it is with my weight. I cannot undo what I have eaten. I cannot wish away the pounds. All I can do is eat healthily and take regular exercise.

So it is with work. I cannot undo my redundancy. I cannot predict failure. All I can do is gradually ease myself back in, being kind and patient to myself.

Live in the moment. Become the change you want to see. And let the rest take care of itself.