1066 All Stars

The following is an extract from a thread I maintain on the Sports Interactive forums. The thread details my experience in Football Manager 2014 and explores how my mental health issues manifest themselves within the game.

You can find the full thread here.

Who Manages The Manager?

Approaching Christmas in 2020 seems a good point at which to stop and take stock of where I am in my FM journey.

My save has thrown up all sorts of mental health issues but then that was the point. These are real life issues, they are not caused by FM, they simply manifest here. So let’s explore some of the common themes and try to understand what they mean.

Let’s Get Tactical

I used to always start as Liverpool and, inspired by Rafa, would always deploy a 4231, rigidly sticking to the mindset that Steven Gerrard simply HAD to play at AMC regardless of how it affected the rest of the team’s shape. But more than that, I simply HAD to use certain role and duty combinations. Other roles were off limits.

In this save, I wanted to break this mindset. I didn’t know the players so could I develop something organically. I started with a rigid, long ball 442 to keep things simple. Reacting to what I watched, this became a mixed passing, balanced 442, utilising a target man and width down the flanks. I stuck with this until it saw me go on a 17 game losing streak, ending in rage quit.

Starting again, I made adjustments, alternating between complex and simple, never trusting my own judgement, always seeking validation in the forums. Ultimately I ended with a 4231. But I consciously set about trying something new, utilising a 4141, then a 433 before ultimately coming back to 4231. And now I have developed something that seems to work, an asymmertrical 4231 with an attacking winger on one side and a supporting winger on the other, two playmakers and a defensive forward, all with a rigid philosophy.

What we learn – the rigid mindset seen at the outset is borne of two things. First, some OCD issues, a belief that things must be done this way otherwise a phantom rule is broken. Secondly, a fear of failure, a fear of trying something new, of blazing my own path. This second belief system comes from an underlying lack of confidence, a sense that others know best. If no-one else has done it, I am wrong to try.

Where are we now – the rigidity is broken, ironically seeing as I am using a rigid philosophy. I am utilising roles and duties I have never used before. I believe that I could start at any club in the game and, rather than trying to squeeze the players into my own pre-defined idea of a formation, could instead develop something that suits the assets at hand. I always expected to develop a singular strategy but instead I have developed a sense of freedom. Sometimes rigid is best. Other times fluid. It is contextual based on whatever you are trying to achieve. I have been successful. I can take confidence from this success.

Highlight Reel

I become incredibly anxious watching highlights. Whenever the other team attacks, I have a sense of dread that we are about to concede, then we’ll lose and it is all because my tactic has been found out, I am no good, the save is a disaster, my career thread a waste…and so on.

And this anxiety builds up. The next game is a defeat. Then the next. There is no context that can explain this, I am simply incapable, the game is destined to end in disaster. And so I quit.

Prior to this save, I would always start as Liverpool. But I wouldn’t ever actually play the game, not really. A successful campaign saw me get past Christmas. I once switched off because we lost a game. I once switched off because a player signed for someone else. I once switched off because a player got injured. I once switched off because the staff member I wanted hadn’t been automatically generated. I once switched off because Steven Gerrard reacted unfavourably to a team talk. I once switched off because in our first friendly against the under 21’s, we only won 2-0.

What we learn – the underlying issue here is clearly my anxiety but what causes this anxiety? Again, there is clearly some OCD influence here. But it also comes back to one of my most common mental health triggers, the negative automatic thinking errors. It is black and white, perfection or disaster with no room for an in between. Life is not black and white, it is a series of greys. We do not have a real life three month auto rolling save. Many a time an event has occurred and my primary reaction is to run away, quit my job, build a time machine and fix everything. But I can’t because life doesn’t work that way, instead we must learn to cope with disappointment. My actions in FM demonstrate what happens when I have the option. I can start over, so I do. But I have a sense that it is wrong and so I must be punished. It is not enough to reload a save, I must start again right from the beginning, every single time.

Where are we now – this one caused a different anxiety. During this save, I rage quit. I reloaded an old save but I felt incredibly guilty, as if I had conned anyone who had read the thread. I reconciled in my mind that this thread was not about the actions taken but rather my reaction to them and so carried on. But then it happened again. And again, until finally it became the norm. I had traded in one unhealthy behaviour (safety net of a restart with punishment) for a new one (safety net of reload with no fear of failure). In a sense there was a positive. I had learned to treat FM like a game. But it came with a strong negative. Failure was now off the table, I could simply manipulate my way to victory. I was cheating myself. I still pursued perfectionism but now it manifested in a new way. I had created a safety net, I no longer had to deal with adversity.

But there is even more at play here. I was judging myself. Does it matter if I cheat? Isn’t it more important that I enjoy the game? I have 3 kids, time is precious. I made a conscious decision that to enjoy my limited game time, I needed to be moving forward. Was it the right decision? Who knows, but there is no need to judge myself for it. Acceptance is the only way.

And not only that, but black and white thinking is again in play. If it were possible to tally up the games I manipulated, it would count for no more than half a season over the course of my save. Of course it played a part in my success but fundamentally I achieved this based on my own actions and decisions, the reloads effectively giving me another opportunity to learn. I wish I hadn’t done it. I wish that I had the fortitude to see it through. But I will not judge myself for it. And I will not dwell on it. Mindfulness teaches us to live in the present.

Do You Want To Build A Football Team?

I agonise over signings, always assuming the one that got away is better than the one I signed. On two occasions in this save, I have built a new squad in pre-season only to reload the save to undo the work I had done. The squad I have now, despite being built logically, appears lopsided and locked to a certain way of playing. I don’t know how to identify good players, I don’t know how to develop them.

What we learn – confidence, decision making, judgement of self, mindfulness (or lack thereof), all these things are coming in to play.

Where are we now – well I have got promoted from the Skrill South to the Championship and am on course for promotion to the Premier League by 2021. I must be reasonably good at this, right? Mistakes made are gone, I can do nothing about them. Mindfulness tells me to live in the present, to accept. And so I rebuilt my tactic to take advantage of what I have and it has worked. Despite the fact that my team is inherently inferior to those around us, we are holding our own and overachieving. That is down to me. I can be pleased with my efforts. I can take confidence from them.

Phew, this is turning into a longer post than I imagined so let’s stop here for now.

One final thought though, something that runs absolutely central to my ongoing recovery from mental illness – the importance of change. We must become the change we want to see. If you keep doing things the same way, you will keep getting the same result. This is as true in FM as it is in life.

I choose to change.