1066 All Stars

Day 71 - 10th November

Food Log

Breakfast - Some sort of honey grain boulders that the girls didn't like

Lunch - Rice and stir fry veg in char sui sauce

Dinner - Home made chicken and vegetable soup, 1x slice white bread

Dessert - 1/4 chocolate cheesecake

In Between Meal Snacks

* 2x Crackerbread

* Handful of grapes

* 2x cocktail sausage

* 5x cherry tomatoes

Thoughts & Feelings

* After a difficult weekend, including balloon gate, high anxiety and a disappointing weigh in, I woke to a sense of disillusionment at my weight. I have lumps where I don't want them, a great big pair of moobs poking out. However, I am conscious that other people have very real body image issues. I wish to lose weight, it is not an unhealthy compulsion and I need to be careful not to talk myself into such. The most important thing to me is that, whatever the shape of the body housing it, my mind finds peace and stability.

* Very hungry today and the urge to snack is high. I really want a big back of crisps or a bag of sweets. I know that giving in to the occasional craving is a healthy part of obtaining balance but after the weight gain shown on Saturday, I am disinclined to acquiesce to this desire.

* I have new pain! My calves ache every time I walk, presumably brought about by the yoga yesterday. This is a good pain, I have evidently exercised in a way that I haven't done previously and shall therefore do so again.

* I have an immense amount of guilt about my role as a father. I read something earlier today that included, a comment that dad's create memories for their daughters, that they just want to be with us. When I spend time with my children, so often I just want them to leave me alone. Yesterday there was a very specific instance whereby the girls were using their Play-do and wanted me to help. Reluctantly I did but I just wanted to sit. I was too tired, it was too much effort. And this plays out every day so that I end up shouting at them constantly just for being children. What type of role model am I?

* The obvious solution to the above is to follow my mantra and change. But it is so, so hard. I wish others could walk in my shoes, share my mind for just a few hours to get an understanding of the amount of rubbish that swirls around, dragging me down, tiring me out. I end up procrastinating, falling into the mindfulness traps even though I can see them clearly. I know the solutions, I know the direction to go in. But walking the path is more difficult than it seems.