1066 All Stars

Anxiety may be difficult to understand. We all get anxious don't we? We all have moments when we get into a panic, perhaps when we can't find our keys or when we think we are going to be late for work.

But these are just moments. Anxiety is more than that. It is a perpetual state of heightened awareness. Like a kettle constantly at boiling point with no off switch. Or an elastic band, stretched until it must inevitably break. It can present itself at any time, sometimes from what seem to be innocuous triggers.

This thread will be in diary form, updated periodically to catalogue the triggers that present themselves in my daily life. Some will be big, some will be small but all affect me in some way.

Just as crucially though, I will attempt to understand them; where do they come from, what do they say about me, and how do I overcome them?

***

Friday 21st August

Two disparate, unrelated triggers noted today.

1) In a meeting at work, some tasks are assigned to me. I am familiar with the subject matter but do not know the answers to the questions being asked. I will also not be able to supply the answers myself, instead I must rely on someone else to provide the information.

As a result, I switch off from the meeting, entering a panic mode where I wonder how I constantly find myself in these positions of being asked to do things for which I do not feel qualified. My mind starts drifting, thinking of how I can escape, fantasising of resigning and doing something less stressful.

The old demon of self confidence (or lack thereof) rears his head again.

I was disappointed to have this reaction but what pleased me was that I consciously identified it during the meeting. I recognised that I was mentally procrastinating failure without ever even starting the task. And so I reprocessed, breaking down the task into component parts, rationalising how certain results could be achieved and, just as crucially, accepting that some aspects were beyond my control and not within my sphere of responsibility.

After leaving the meeting, I needed to compose an e-mail to a colleague. I wasn't quite sure what I was asking and how to go about it. I tried, failed, tried again. I was distracted by noise. The doubts began to creep back in.

To resolve, I resisted all the pangs, all the automatic thoughts that told me I was going to get it wrong. Instead, I simply stopped. I parked the e-mail, half drafted, and went to lunch. When I returned, refreshed and calmer, I completed the request to a satisfactory standard.

Anxiety conquered.

2) On the drive home from work, it occurs to me that it will be a bright, dry, sunny day on Saturday. As a result, I will have no reason not to spend time with the kids and will need to find some activities to pass the time. This creates a panic, whereby I have an underlying sense that I can't cope.

What a horrible thought! What sort of monstrous father am I, dreading the thought of spending time with my own children?

A human one, and one fighting an ongoing battle with anxiety. 

Being a parent is hard work and sometimes my thoughts run away with themselves. But thoughts are not actions and they do not define me. I wish I could be naturally more enthusiastic instead of feeling like I always have to force myself but I try to remain kind to myself too. Recognising an aspect of my character that I do not like gives me the capacity to change.

3) A bonus extra. With the wife and kids off seeing relatives, I had four days of an empty house. I planned a whole set of tasks I wanted to achieve or, failing that, a set of leisure activities I would indulge in. Instead, I did neither. The four days passed with little accomplished and the opportunity to watch some films (or whatever) squandered. I felt like I had wasted my free time. And I felt guilty at having looked forward to it in the first place.

This is judgement. Why must the days be labelled? Why must they be classed as good or bad? Why must I feel guilty for a thought? Again, thoughts are not actions. Thoughts are like clouds, passing through the sky of your mind. As soon as one passes, another one will be along straight after. Stop and look at them if you like but ultimately let them drift away.

Wednesday 12th November

* An insignificant event, perfectly illustrating the frustrating nature of the anxious mind. I had completed a piece of work that necessitated sending out a trading agreement and cover letter. A template was available for both documents, therefore minimal intervention was required. Despite that, I had to seek reassurance from a colleague before accepting that the documents were correct. Then, even after confirming, I was nervous of placing in the envelope, then held on to the sealed envelope, not yet ready to let go and place it in the out tray.

This has happened repeatedly in similar circumstances. It speaks to a fundamental lack of confidence, despite the simplicity of the task. In fact it is almost the simplicity that seems to trip me up, to the point that I feel as though whilst I can operate at a higher level intellectually, when it comes to straight forward, common sense tasks, I am a buffoon. And on top of that, my mind assumes that the consequences of getting it wrong are severe, black and white thinking errors painting a picture only of disaster, no balance evident.

How does one change something so fundamental? Let's start with little steps. The letter is in the out tray.

Saturday 8th November

A day of consistent, high anxiety. I noted in my Mental Healthy Eating weigh in that weekends are often difficult for the very different stress they bring from the working week and so it proved.

* My nerves were on edge right from the start of the day. I simply had no patience with the girls, just wanted to stay in bed and sleep. Instead I was roused from my slumber by a rabid pack of need-a-thons and never looked back from there.

* Choosing some tiles for the kitchen and it just became too much. I couldn't find the words to vocalise how I felt, saying that I 'didn't care' not even getting close. I do care, it is my kitchen and I am invested in it. But I could not summon the decision making capability to make a choice. I just wanted someone with more experience and expertise than me to take the decision away from me and just do something that looks nice. The more we pondered options, the tighter I could feel myself becoming wound.

* A fleeting moment at the shops. We were heading to the party shop to get some jumbo ballons inflated. The girls had been given them last Christmas and I had put off getting them inflated but we had finally decided to do it. As I approached the shop, my stomach lurched, I became incredibly nervous about what we were about to do. Why? Both this reaction (which was internalised, there was no outward indication) and the reluctance to get them inflated in the first place are based on my discomfort at doing something I don't know. I like to have control over what I do. Once this is lost, once I am in the hands of others, I become uncomfortable. This has manifested at work. I will pursue tasks that I know I can complete, leaving others. That doesn't mean I take easy tasks, far from it. In fact sometimes I will tackle something more complex because I have, at some point in the past under more favourable circumstances, taken the time to understand it. But for the other tasks, however menial, I can have the propensity to procastinate, endlessly delaying the inevitable until I reach a point where I feel I can no longer ask for help as I have been responsible for the task for so long that I surely know how to do it?

* We got the balloons inflated and I spent the next several hours cringing every time the girls played with them, wanting them to just put them in the corner and look at them for fear that they will damage them. Eventually, inevitably, one of them lost some helium and immediately my mind raced to the worst conclusion (it's broken, it's no good, it was a waste of money etc). I became so inwardly distraught that I couldn't bear to look at the thing as it brought a constant reminder that I had paid money for nothing, that one of my daughters would be upset. My wife, with a more balanced perspective, was able to see things for what they were. The girls had played with the balloons vigorously and if one got damaged or deflated, such is life. But I found myself projecting; how would I feel if I was the one child whose balloon was damaged having to look at my sister playing with a fully functioning one?

* This thread is usually reserved for specific instances of anxiety but today also highlighted a general, underlying sense. I feel as though I am constantly shouting at my kids, irrevocably and irreversibly scarring them for life. Instead of acting as a prompt to change my behaviour, it instead becomes another stick to beat myself with. This is negative, unhealthy thinking but it is difficult to change.

Tuesday 4th November

* A bizarre example at work today. I was sent a link to an article relating to my job and thought it would make sense to subscribe to the mailer myself. I completed the registration online then had a panic that I had done something I shouldn't, that I would receive unsolicited post, that I had committed the company to a subscription, that I had committed the company to a subscription fee, that this content wasn't meant for me... I then spent the next 45 minutes trying to justify my actions to myself and figuring out how to undo it.

This highlights the lack of confidence both in my own actions but also in my perception of my job role. The content is on a free trial, my fears were unfounded. I have every right o subscribe to it, in fact it is useful to my job. My mind wants to tell me that this is something that others, more qualified than I, are allowed to subscribe to, I am not worthy of the content, not serious enough to digest it.

Wednesday 29th October

* A little bit naughty, but we opted for pizza for dinner last night (and therefore lunch and dinner today). Afterwards, I felt decidedly fat, which very quickly became a thought process that I had ruined my diet, packed on about ten pounds, would need to go for a walk, walk need to go for a run etc etc.

Lots of thinking errors going on here;

Black and white thinking - it is either good or bad, no in between.

Catastrophising - leaping to the worst possible conclusion despite no evidence to this effect

Mindfulness - instead of focusing on the moment (the pizza was nice, it was a little treat), my mind is regretting the past and worrying about the future, the essence of my mental illness

Tuesday 28th October

1. Driving home and needed to turn right. Car coming from the other direction, guy looking to cross the road I want to enter. I have time to nip out in front of the car but should really let the pedestrian go first. Opt to pull out, then spend next few minutes worrying about my decision, feeling bad about what I have done, that I endangered the pedestrian, how I can go back and undo it.

2. Karen bought the girls some new shoes. Only one of the two pairs of black shoes flash, the other is just patterned. Inevitably, they both want the flashing ones. Decide that we will buy another pair of flashing ones and take the plain ones back but rather than that settling the matter, I become anxious that I must resolve the situation immediately, I start panicking about how I can take the old shoes back whilst picking up a new pair even though the shop they were bought from isn't in Epsom so I can't do it at lunch.

3. Girls running up and down the front room in their shoes. Leah bumps her head on the key hanging out of the back door. My mind races to a conclusion of one of them impaling their head on the key so I have to move it.

At face value, these three seperate examples, which all happened within about 2 hours of each other, are unconnected. However on closer inspection, there is a distinct theme running through them. Firstly, it is worth noting that all of these reactions were internalised. Nothing was voiced, there was no outer sign of distress but my mind was racing. Secondly, they each demonstrate a lack of mindfulness. In each case, my mind is either looking back with regret or forward with trepidation. The best strategy is instead to focus on the present, to dismiss that which I cannot control.

Monday 27th October

A bit of a cheat this one as this is not a new anxiety, rather something that happened prior to starting this blog but it fits the parameters of the type of behaviour I am looking to explore.

I like using Twitter, it is a useful tool for sharing and involving myself in mental health discussion. However my interaction is quite limited, usually restricted to my own posts, very rarely do I comment on something someone else has done.

Recently I saw a post that I wanted to comment on. I had reservations before posting (this was not mental health related) but did it anyway. Almost immediately I regretted it and frantically checked over the next few minutes to see if my comment drew a response.

It did. And I didn't get it.

I wasn't sure if the respondent was being critical or sarcastic but it made me feel very uncomfortable. I ended up deleting the tweet, then searching to establish if the respondent's tweet could also be deleted or if he could still see my comment.

This is not restricted to Twitter. I have posted comments on wrestling boards, only to then delete my comment and, on more than one occasion, completely delete my user profile just because someone has / might disagree with me.

This represents a fundamental part of my mental illness. Despite outward impressions, I have a deep rooted lack of self confidence. I am fine in my own world; if I post something, such as a link to one of my blogs or stories, it is mine so I mentally retain all rights over the validity of the content.

But as soon as I comment on something else, I feel I am stepping into a larger world. I feel unqualified to comment, that my opinion will inherently be inferior to someone, anyone else's.

This has manifested in the real world, a large contributor to the factors that led to me entering therapy. It has manifested in my leisure time, most prominently in Football Manager, to which I have dedicated an entire blog on the Sports Interactive forums.

It is also something I explored with my therapist, this underlying need to seek the approval of others, to defer to the better judgement of a perceived superior. Where does it come from? Why does it persist? I am not qualified to answer those questions but I believe I can trace these behaviours all the way back to childhood.

How do I overcome them? Now that is something I am qualified to answer because it is the same answer I always give to myself; you can change. If something feels wrong, within reason, keep doing it. It makes me uncomfortable because it goes against my natural instincts. I can either throw in the towel and say, 'this is who I am', or I can change. My natural instincts drove me into a mental hospital. Perhaps they didn't serve me that well after all.

So, watch out Twitter, here I come!

Saturday 25th & Sunday 26th October

This weekend, we were die to travel to Andover for a wedding.

I woke up in a foul mood. Everything the girls did annoyed me and I found myself constantly losing my temper, shouting at them, telling them to go away from me and even resorting to going to another room (theirs, ironically) to get away from them.

We ended up leaving late and encountered heavy traffic, meaning that our planned stop at McDonalds was cancelled, the girls subsequent demand for food, entirely reasonable under the circumstances, setting me off at every instance. As we hit traffic, I found myself wanting to turn back, hoping we would be so late that it wouldn't be worth going.

We got there and it was fun. he anxiety was unfounded and unwarranted.

Later that day, after the wedding we had travelled to, I became extremely agitated during the night, even Aiden's coughing and lack of interest in his milk sending me into anger overdrive.

I woke the next day having barely slept, the change in clocks a hindrance rather than help as it delayed when we could go to breakfast. Again I found myself wanting to shut myself away from the kids, in between bouts of shouting and frustration.

After finally having our McDonalds, they again drove me to despair, my verbal outbursts becoming more frequent and more heated. Two films gave me respite as their attention was taken but as soon as they finished, they wanted interaction and I was simply in no mood. Too tired, too stressed.

At bedtime I spoke to both of them calmly, a moment of lucidity and regret of my parenting over the last 48 hours.

Oh boy. I'm sure some of this is just natural parenting. I once described being a parent as equal parts love and wanting to punch someone in the face and I think that still holds. There are times when I want to just be away from my children, they push all of my anger and stress buttons. My subsequent reactions make me feel as if I am psychologically damaging them, stunting their emotional development

There is a level of balance to be achieved of course. Raising twins is hard. Raising twins and a baby is harder. Raising twins and a baby whilst trying to recover from depression and anxiety is harder still. It will get better, I know that. In the meantime, we as parents must try to be kind to ourselves, to forgive ourselves of our mistakes and learn from them. Nobody is perfect, we all just do the best we can.

Friday 24th October

* The day started with agitation from the moment I got out of bed. Whilst making the girls breakfast, they started telling me what they wanted, talking over each other , getting excited. It was like a hot poker in the eye, just winding me up. From then on, anything they said to me annoyed me, any sound jangled on my nerves. I just wanted quiet.

This is the most frustrating kind of anxiety as I have no idea where it comes from. I have no particular stresses ahead of me today and went to bed with none last night. I just seem to have woken with anxiety and it leads me to the horrible conclusion that it will only pass when I leave the house, work becoming an escape of sorts because however I feel, I am obliged to hide it there, to put on the professional mask.

Tuesday 21st October

* Watching series 3 of 24 last night and the episode included a scene where Jack becomes aware that Chase is dating his daughter. It made me think of my relationship to my in-laws and how much I regret some of my words and actions towards them. I have been ill (I still am), I understand that but I worry that I have permanently damaged the bond between us, my mind racing to think of how I can put it right, seeking that reassurance even though I know deep down that no reassurance will ever be enough, can never undo what has already been done.

Ah, the blame game. This is a double whammy of both depression (regret of the past) and anxiety (worry of the future). Yes, I have said and done things I regret. Haven't we all? But these are good, understanding people. I have been ill, they realise that. My sullen mood, ingratitude, aloofness, distance, these are all symptoms of my illness. It is time to forgive myself. Events that have past cannot be changed. All I can do is live in the moment. If I regret how I have acted in the past, I can change how I act in the present. That is the only way in which I can influence the future.

Monday 20th October

* Brushing my teeth this morning and got that slow, dawning realisation that I would be going to work soon, which brought on butterflies and a churned stomach. This was repeated as I got nearer to the office.

What the devil is going on here? My job is not currently stressful (an intriguing issue for exploration in and of itself). I work with good people in a reasonable atmosphere and environment. Why the anxiety? I have had this reaction for several years. I believe it is likely attributable to an underlying lack of confidence. At work, we are required to set our personal issues aside and be professional. Some of my colleagues know of my mental health issues but not all. Even for those that know, I feel compelled to put on the professional mask. It is perhaps a sense that the mask may slip. Or simply that I may make a mistake. Or even that I may be called upon to make a decision.

A simple reaction but one that hides enormous trigger points and issues.

* During the course of the day, I am asked to attend a meeting to present some data to the directors. Not a problem as such, I presented the material the month before and whilst I may be nervous, I know I can do it. The anxiety instead comes from needing data from others in order to update my presentation. What if they don't provide it? I will be culpable. the committee will think me incompetent and I'll be humiliated.

A repeating theme here. Clearly there are some aspects of this presentation out of my control yet I assume responsibility for the whole thing. I will be accompanied at the presentation by a senior manager, thereby diluting my level of responsibility in any event. Despite these mitigants, the overwhelming sense is one of danger, from which I want to run.

* We are attending a wedding at the weekend, a pleasant event by any criteria. During my lunchtime walk, I become anxious about when we will leave, how we will get there, what we'll do, how I'll keep the girls occupied.

An easy one this. All together now - fear of the unknown and loss of control. The absence of facts is causing me to project the worst possible outcome despite no evidence to this effect. It will be fine. It almost always is.

Sunday 19th October

* I went out for a jog today. It is something I have been wanting to do for many years but had always held back through some deep seated self consciousness, as if everyone will be looking at me and laughing. I did it. It wasn't very good and I didn't run very far but I did it. And I feel good for having done so. Anxiety overcome.

A theme I will no doubt come back to, this clearly highlights issues with self confidence and the judgement of others. I feel fat and project that this is the defining characteristic that others will see of me.

* Out shopping with the girls and they needed the toilet. I had a decision to make as to whether I left the trolley in the aisle or took it through the checkout and parked it whilst I took them in. I opted for the latter, drawing an enquiry from the lady on the checkout, then proceeded to bark at the girls until the toilet trip was finished and we were 'out of everyones way', at which point my mood returned to normal.

Decision making. A real trigger point, I feel that I have lost the ability to make a decision, always needing to seek reassurance from others, an underlying sense that whatever decision I make will be wrong. Consequently, I transferred this onto the girls, berating them to get a move on as if they are somehow at fault, which brings guilt and self recrimination.

* Took the girls to the park, somewhere we have been many times. First, they went on the climbing frame / slide, which includes a step bridge from the bars at one end to the slide at the other. Everytime I looked up to see them crossing, I could feel my stomach turn knots, my mind racing away with thoughts of disaster, that they would fall and horribly injure themselves. Then, they asked to use the climbing wall and some spinning death trap in the middle of the park. I refused both on the basis that they made me anxious, thereby denying them the opportunity to do something becuase of how it made me feel.

I find this the most interesting of today's examples because this is a fairly new phenomenon. It is almost as if my anxiety for them is worse since therapy. Part of this is circumstantial. When I entered therapy, they were not old enough to use these parts of the park. Simply put, there is now more that they are able to do. But perhaps additionally, my focus has begun to move away from me. Before therapy, my thoughts were very insular, I could not emote or project comfortably. I am now far more open and perhaps this is being reflected by a broader sense of awareness of my surroundings and my feelings to others around me.

Or perhaps it's just being a parent?

* Cooking lunch for next couple of days and having a dish that I had a couple of weeks before. Part way through cooking, I struggle to remember how I made it before and my mind races to the conclusion that I am now doing it wrong.

In this example, I contrived to somehow lose out in a judgement against myself. This has manifested before, a sense that the way I did it last time was right and any deviation from that is wrong. What does this reveal? Perhaps an insecurity at the method, meaning I am uncomfortable with free form process, craving instead the rigid discipline of prior success. This of course negates the possibility that a deviation may be better than the original.

Ultimately, it is perhaps about control.