1066 All Stars

Day 24 - 24th September

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix minis

Lunch - pork curry with rice

Dinner - Southern Fried Chicken with veg

Dessert - Millionaires Cheesecake

In Between Meal Snacks

Plum

Crisps

Thoughts & Feelings

* Interesting day today. A presentation at work activated a number of mental health triggers, principally that I would get something wrong, not know an answer, feel out of my depth, etc. I was noticeably nervous presenting material to directors and senior managers but delivered it successfully.

* Then, a short time after delivering the presentation, I was faced with two routine pieces of work that almost reduced me to a quivering wreck, causing me to doubt my own judgement. The details are immaterial, suffice to say that both instances served to highlight the job still to be done in rebuilding my confidence and self belief. When put under pressure, I deliver. When given time to think, doubts creep in. There is a lesson there somewhere.

* What is driving these behaviours? There are two principle issues here; 1) hesitation from not knowing the people and processes and 2) an inherent lack of self confidence.

* The first is natural and will settle down with time, although it's impact on me is, I believe, enhanced by the second; lack of confidence. And here some anger comes in over my redundancy. I have said it before but it was never meant to be this way. I wasn't supposed to have to deal with multiple issues at once, I was supposed to ease back in to a safe and supportive environment until I slowly found my feet. Instead, I was metaphorically chucked out onto the street and left to find my own way.

* There are moments when I take confidence fromn my past life (so to speak). There are others when I retreat into my shell, saddened by what I 'lost'. I wonder how many of those around me even notice. Have I become too proficient at wearing the mask?

* But I remind myself, as ever, that thoughts are not actions. It is okay to feel. Sit with it, understand it, then help it on its way.

* Wednesday, so crisps allowed, but boy could I have done with a stonking great family bag all to myself. And a coke.

* The lunchtime walks are becomng harder. Not the act itself, rather the aches and pains after are becoming more noticeable.

* One thing I noticed yesterday was that, in the midst of a low mood, where my previous recourse would have been to a bag of sweets or other sugary treat, it never even crossed my mind to snack. Evidence again that my mind has flicked that mental switch, simply accepting that this regime is the new way of things.

* Does it weird anyone out that I write out all this really personal stuff for the whole world to read?