1066 All Stars

I entered the Priory struggling with two main issues, both closely related; depression and anxiety.

I suspect that many people do not understand depression and those that experience it. We have all said how depressed we were by an event but what we really mean of course is that we were sad. Being depressed is not like being sad. Sadness is a normal, healthy emotion that helps us to grieve. Depression is an ongoing, impenetrable gloom from which there seems no escape.

I came to think of it in terms of a deep well. I fell into it gradually, spiralling down and down until I eventually hit the bottom. At the bottom, there is no light and no hope of escape. There is no joy, no optimism. You cannot climb out of the well, the sides are too slippery and there is no one to drop a rope down to lift you out.

When I was depressed, everything was too much effort. I felt physically exhausted, I just wanted to sit on the sofa and not move. I would quite happily not speak to anyone for hours at a time. There didn't seem to be a point to anything. Why enjoy the weekend, it will only finish and I'll have to go back to work. Why bother to go to that party; they don't really want me there and nobody will notice that I didn't go anyway.

Of course it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy. If you say no to an invitation enough times, people stop inviting you, which just fuels your belief that they didn't want you to come in the first place.

For me it manifested at work mainly. I felt stuck in my role. I felt incapable of doing anything else so I was trapped where I was. By the same token, I never felt I was good enough. Someone was bound to find out what a fraud I am so I had to work harder and longer to stay on top. Needless to say, this trickled over to my home life. I couldn't relax at home because I was obsessing over some trivial detail or going over (and over) some conversation or e-mail from work. I din't want to be around anyone, even my own family. And the greatest contradiction of all; at its worst, I didn't want it to get better. It was easier being depressed, getting better meant that I had to face up to life and responsibility.

It took a long time at the Priory to get to the bottom of these issues. I spent the first few weeks questioning if I was truly depressed or just lazy. I understand now that this was the illness speaking (and yes, I am now able to acknowledge it as an illness). My depression was stress induced, rather then loss induced but no less real for all that.

So in reference to my well analogy, I needed someone to help me out. Therapy (and therapists), the support of other sufferers, as well as the support of friends and family, helped me out by lowering the metaphorical rope, allowing me to slowly pull my way out.

Depression is not an illness that you conquer with no chance of relapse but it is preventable, by recognising the signs and implementing behavioural and thinking strategies. The key thing for me is that I wanted to get better and now, having climbed out of the well, I want to stay better.