1066 All Stars

Day 50 - 20th October

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix Minis

Lunch - Bacon and mushrooms with pasta in chunky veg tomato sauce

Dinner - Some-flavour-I-Can't-remember Chicken Chargrill, carrots, brocolli, cauliflower, green beans in cheese sauce

Dessert - Chocolate ice lolly

In Between Meal Snacks

* Apple

* 2x rice cakes

* Go Ahead Yoghurt Breaks bar (x2)

Thoughts & Feelings

* Well, I hurt today. I have aches in places I didn't realise I had places.

* The lunchtime walk was hard going. My thighs were aching, it felt like my legs were going to fall off but I thought it important to push through (so to speak), train my muscles to tolerate the extra exertion.

* Pain watch - other than the self imposed leg ache, my usual neck pain has not flared up over the last few days. Instead, it has been replaced by a feeling that my top half is 'locked up' so that it can be uncomfortable to turn my head too far or too quickly. I am reminded of the old gag about the man going to the doctor and saying, 'It hurts when I move my arm like this,' to which the doctor says, 'Then don't move your arm like that.' Towards the end of the afternoon, the usual pain returned, stretching down my back and through the base of my skull. It is rather unpleasant, all told.

* Feel a bit fat after my carbs last night but this is likely psychosomatic. My 34 inch trousers are comfortable enough but I do have a nagging suspicion that the button is going to ping off and have someone's eye out. Luckily I have a belt so at least I should be able to keep them up.

Don't forget to check out The Anxiety Diaries elsewhere on the site, as I examine my daily anxiety triggers and try to understand them, with the hope of one day overcoming them.

Anxiety may be difficult to understand. We all get anxious don't we? We all have moments when we get into a panic, perhaps when we can't find our keys or when we think we are going to be late for work.

But these are just moments. Anxiety is more than that. It is a perpetual state of heightened awareness. Like a kettle constantly at boiling point with no off switch. Or an elastic band, stretched until it must inevitably break. It can present itself at any time, sometimes from what seem to be innocuous triggers.

This thread will be in diary form, updated periodically to catalogue the triggers that present themselves in my daily life. Some will be big, some will be small but all affect me in some way.

Just as crucially though, I will attempt to understand them; where do they come from, what do they say about me, and how do I overcome them?

***

Friday 21st August

Two disparate, unrelated triggers noted today.

1) In a meeting at work, some tasks are assigned to me. I am familiar with the subject matter but do not know the answers to the questions being asked. I will also not be able to supply the answers myself, instead I must rely on someone else to provide the information.

As a result, I switch off from the meeting, entering a panic mode where I wonder how I constantly find myself in these positions of being asked to do things for which I do not feel qualified. My mind starts drifting, thinking of how I can escape, fantasising of resigning and doing something less stressful.

The old demon of self confidence (or lack thereof) rears his head again.

I was disappointed to have this reaction but what pleased me was that I consciously identified it during the meeting. I recognised that I was mentally procrastinating failure without ever even starting the task. And so I reprocessed, breaking down the task into component parts, rationalising how certain results could be achieved and, just as crucially, accepting that some aspects were beyond my control and not within my sphere of responsibility.

After leaving the meeting, I needed to compose an e-mail to a colleague. I wasn't quite sure what I was asking and how to go about it. I tried, failed, tried again. I was distracted by noise. The doubts began to creep back in.

To resolve, I resisted all the pangs, all the automatic thoughts that told me I was going to get it wrong. Instead, I simply stopped. I parked the e-mail, half drafted, and went to lunch. When I returned, refreshed and calmer, I completed the request to a satisfactory standard.

Anxiety conquered.

2) On the drive home from work, it occurs to me that it will be a bright, dry, sunny day on Saturday. As a result, I will have no reason not to spend time with the kids and will need to find some activities to pass the time. This creates a panic, whereby I have an underlying sense that I can't cope.

What a horrible thought! What sort of monstrous father am I, dreading the thought of spending time with my own children?

A human one, and one fighting an ongoing battle with anxiety. 

Being a parent is hard work and sometimes my thoughts run away with themselves. But thoughts are not actions and they do not define me. I wish I could be naturally more enthusiastic instead of feeling like I always have to force myself but I try to remain kind to myself too. Recognising an aspect of my character that I do not like gives me the capacity to change.

3) A bonus extra. With the wife and kids off seeing relatives, I had four days of an empty house. I planned a whole set of tasks I wanted to achieve or, failing that, a set of leisure activities I would indulge in. Instead, I did neither. The four days passed with little accomplished and the opportunity to watch some films (or whatever) squandered. I felt like I had wasted my free time. And I felt guilty at having looked forward to it in the first place.

This is judgement. Why must the days be labelled? Why must they be classed as good or bad? Why must I feel guilty for a thought? Again, thoughts are not actions. Thoughts are like clouds, passing through the sky of your mind. As soon as one passes, another one will be along straight after. Stop and look at them if you like but ultimately let them drift away.

Wednesday 12th November

* An insignificant event, perfectly illustrating the frustrating nature of the anxious mind. I had completed a piece of work that necessitated sending out a trading agreement and cover letter. A template was available for both documents, therefore minimal intervention was required. Despite that, I had to seek reassurance from a colleague before accepting that the documents were correct. Then, even after confirming, I was nervous of placing in the envelope, then held on to the sealed envelope, not yet ready to let go and place it in the out tray.

This has happened repeatedly in similar circumstances. It speaks to a fundamental lack of confidence, despite the simplicity of the task. In fact it is almost the simplicity that seems to trip me up, to the point that I feel as though whilst I can operate at a higher level intellectually, when it comes to straight forward, common sense tasks, I am a buffoon. And on top of that, my mind assumes that the consequences of getting it wrong are severe, black and white thinking errors painting a picture only of disaster, no balance evident.

How does one change something so fundamental? Let's start with little steps. The letter is in the out tray.

Saturday 8th November

A day of consistent, high anxiety. I noted in my Mental Healthy Eating weigh in that weekends are often difficult for the very different stress they bring from the working week and so it proved.

* My nerves were on edge right from the start of the day. I simply had no patience with the girls, just wanted to stay in bed and sleep. Instead I was roused from my slumber by a rabid pack of need-a-thons and never looked back from there.

* Choosing some tiles for the kitchen and it just became too much. I couldn't find the words to vocalise how I felt, saying that I 'didn't care' not even getting close. I do care, it is my kitchen and I am invested in it. But I could not summon the decision making capability to make a choice. I just wanted someone with more experience and expertise than me to take the decision away from me and just do something that looks nice. The more we pondered options, the tighter I could feel myself becoming wound.

* A fleeting moment at the shops. We were heading to the party shop to get some jumbo ballons inflated. The girls had been given them last Christmas and I had put off getting them inflated but we had finally decided to do it. As I approached the shop, my stomach lurched, I became incredibly nervous about what we were about to do. Why? Both this reaction (which was internalised, there was no outward indication) and the reluctance to get them inflated in the first place are based on my discomfort at doing something I don't know. I like to have control over what I do. Once this is lost, once I am in the hands of others, I become uncomfortable. This has manifested at work. I will pursue tasks that I know I can complete, leaving others. That doesn't mean I take easy tasks, far from it. In fact sometimes I will tackle something more complex because I have, at some point in the past under more favourable circumstances, taken the time to understand it. But for the other tasks, however menial, I can have the propensity to procastinate, endlessly delaying the inevitable until I reach a point where I feel I can no longer ask for help as I have been responsible for the task for so long that I surely know how to do it?

* We got the balloons inflated and I spent the next several hours cringing every time the girls played with them, wanting them to just put them in the corner and look at them for fear that they will damage them. Eventually, inevitably, one of them lost some helium and immediately my mind raced to the worst conclusion (it's broken, it's no good, it was a waste of money etc). I became so inwardly distraught that I couldn't bear to look at the thing as it brought a constant reminder that I had paid money for nothing, that one of my daughters would be upset. My wife, with a more balanced perspective, was able to see things for what they were. The girls had played with the balloons vigorously and if one got damaged or deflated, such is life. But I found myself projecting; how would I feel if I was the one child whose balloon was damaged having to look at my sister playing with a fully functioning one?

* This thread is usually reserved for specific instances of anxiety but today also highlighted a general, underlying sense. I feel as though I am constantly shouting at my kids, irrevocably and irreversibly scarring them for life. Instead of acting as a prompt to change my behaviour, it instead becomes another stick to beat myself with. This is negative, unhealthy thinking but it is difficult to change.

Tuesday 4th November

* A bizarre example at work today. I was sent a link to an article relating to my job and thought it would make sense to subscribe to the mailer myself. I completed the registration online then had a panic that I had done something I shouldn't, that I would receive unsolicited post, that I had committed the company to a subscription, that I had committed the company to a subscription fee, that this content wasn't meant for me... I then spent the next 45 minutes trying to justify my actions to myself and figuring out how to undo it.

This highlights the lack of confidence both in my own actions but also in my perception of my job role. The content is on a free trial, my fears were unfounded. I have every right o subscribe to it, in fact it is useful to my job. My mind wants to tell me that this is something that others, more qualified than I, are allowed to subscribe to, I am not worthy of the content, not serious enough to digest it.

Wednesday 29th October

* A little bit naughty, but we opted for pizza for dinner last night (and therefore lunch and dinner today). Afterwards, I felt decidedly fat, which very quickly became a thought process that I had ruined my diet, packed on about ten pounds, would need to go for a walk, walk need to go for a run etc etc.

Lots of thinking errors going on here;

Black and white thinking - it is either good or bad, no in between.

Catastrophising - leaping to the worst possible conclusion despite no evidence to this effect

Mindfulness - instead of focusing on the moment (the pizza was nice, it was a little treat), my mind is regretting the past and worrying about the future, the essence of my mental illness

Tuesday 28th October

1. Driving home and needed to turn right. Car coming from the other direction, guy looking to cross the road I want to enter. I have time to nip out in front of the car but should really let the pedestrian go first. Opt to pull out, then spend next few minutes worrying about my decision, feeling bad about what I have done, that I endangered the pedestrian, how I can go back and undo it.

2. Karen bought the girls some new shoes. Only one of the two pairs of black shoes flash, the other is just patterned. Inevitably, they both want the flashing ones. Decide that we will buy another pair of flashing ones and take the plain ones back but rather than that settling the matter, I become anxious that I must resolve the situation immediately, I start panicking about how I can take the old shoes back whilst picking up a new pair even though the shop they were bought from isn't in Epsom so I can't do it at lunch.

3. Girls running up and down the front room in their shoes. Leah bumps her head on the key hanging out of the back door. My mind races to a conclusion of one of them impaling their head on the key so I have to move it.

At face value, these three seperate examples, which all happened within about 2 hours of each other, are unconnected. However on closer inspection, there is a distinct theme running through them. Firstly, it is worth noting that all of these reactions were internalised. Nothing was voiced, there was no outer sign of distress but my mind was racing. Secondly, they each demonstrate a lack of mindfulness. In each case, my mind is either looking back with regret or forward with trepidation. The best strategy is instead to focus on the present, to dismiss that which I cannot control.

Monday 27th October

A bit of a cheat this one as this is not a new anxiety, rather something that happened prior to starting this blog but it fits the parameters of the type of behaviour I am looking to explore.

I like using Twitter, it is a useful tool for sharing and involving myself in mental health discussion. However my interaction is quite limited, usually restricted to my own posts, very rarely do I comment on something someone else has done.

Recently I saw a post that I wanted to comment on. I had reservations before posting (this was not mental health related) but did it anyway. Almost immediately I regretted it and frantically checked over the next few minutes to see if my comment drew a response.

It did. And I didn't get it.

I wasn't sure if the respondent was being critical or sarcastic but it made me feel very uncomfortable. I ended up deleting the tweet, then searching to establish if the respondent's tweet could also be deleted or if he could still see my comment.

This is not restricted to Twitter. I have posted comments on wrestling boards, only to then delete my comment and, on more than one occasion, completely delete my user profile just because someone has / might disagree with me.

This represents a fundamental part of my mental illness. Despite outward impressions, I have a deep rooted lack of self confidence. I am fine in my own world; if I post something, such as a link to one of my blogs or stories, it is mine so I mentally retain all rights over the validity of the content.

But as soon as I comment on something else, I feel I am stepping into a larger world. I feel unqualified to comment, that my opinion will inherently be inferior to someone, anyone else's.

This has manifested in the real world, a large contributor to the factors that led to me entering therapy. It has manifested in my leisure time, most prominently in Football Manager, to which I have dedicated an entire blog on the Sports Interactive forums.

It is also something I explored with my therapist, this underlying need to seek the approval of others, to defer to the better judgement of a perceived superior. Where does it come from? Why does it persist? I am not qualified to answer those questions but I believe I can trace these behaviours all the way back to childhood.

How do I overcome them? Now that is something I am qualified to answer because it is the same answer I always give to myself; you can change. If something feels wrong, within reason, keep doing it. It makes me uncomfortable because it goes against my natural instincts. I can either throw in the towel and say, 'this is who I am', or I can change. My natural instincts drove me into a mental hospital. Perhaps they didn't serve me that well after all.

So, watch out Twitter, here I come!

Saturday 25th & Sunday 26th October

This weekend, we were die to travel to Andover for a wedding.

I woke up in a foul mood. Everything the girls did annoyed me and I found myself constantly losing my temper, shouting at them, telling them to go away from me and even resorting to going to another room (theirs, ironically) to get away from them.

We ended up leaving late and encountered heavy traffic, meaning that our planned stop at McDonalds was cancelled, the girls subsequent demand for food, entirely reasonable under the circumstances, setting me off at every instance. As we hit traffic, I found myself wanting to turn back, hoping we would be so late that it wouldn't be worth going.

We got there and it was fun. he anxiety was unfounded and unwarranted.

Later that day, after the wedding we had travelled to, I became extremely agitated during the night, even Aiden's coughing and lack of interest in his milk sending me into anger overdrive.

I woke the next day having barely slept, the change in clocks a hindrance rather than help as it delayed when we could go to breakfast. Again I found myself wanting to shut myself away from the kids, in between bouts of shouting and frustration.

After finally having our McDonalds, they again drove me to despair, my verbal outbursts becoming more frequent and more heated. Two films gave me respite as their attention was taken but as soon as they finished, they wanted interaction and I was simply in no mood. Too tired, too stressed.

At bedtime I spoke to both of them calmly, a moment of lucidity and regret of my parenting over the last 48 hours.

Oh boy. I'm sure some of this is just natural parenting. I once described being a parent as equal parts love and wanting to punch someone in the face and I think that still holds. There are times when I want to just be away from my children, they push all of my anger and stress buttons. My subsequent reactions make me feel as if I am psychologically damaging them, stunting their emotional development

There is a level of balance to be achieved of course. Raising twins is hard. Raising twins and a baby is harder. Raising twins and a baby whilst trying to recover from depression and anxiety is harder still. It will get better, I know that. In the meantime, we as parents must try to be kind to ourselves, to forgive ourselves of our mistakes and learn from them. Nobody is perfect, we all just do the best we can.

Friday 24th October

* The day started with agitation from the moment I got out of bed. Whilst making the girls breakfast, they started telling me what they wanted, talking over each other , getting excited. It was like a hot poker in the eye, just winding me up. From then on, anything they said to me annoyed me, any sound jangled on my nerves. I just wanted quiet.

This is the most frustrating kind of anxiety as I have no idea where it comes from. I have no particular stresses ahead of me today and went to bed with none last night. I just seem to have woken with anxiety and it leads me to the horrible conclusion that it will only pass when I leave the house, work becoming an escape of sorts because however I feel, I am obliged to hide it there, to put on the professional mask.

Tuesday 21st October

* Watching series 3 of 24 last night and the episode included a scene where Jack becomes aware that Chase is dating his daughter. It made me think of my relationship to my in-laws and how much I regret some of my words and actions towards them. I have been ill (I still am), I understand that but I worry that I have permanently damaged the bond between us, my mind racing to think of how I can put it right, seeking that reassurance even though I know deep down that no reassurance will ever be enough, can never undo what has already been done.

Ah, the blame game. This is a double whammy of both depression (regret of the past) and anxiety (worry of the future). Yes, I have said and done things I regret. Haven't we all? But these are good, understanding people. I have been ill, they realise that. My sullen mood, ingratitude, aloofness, distance, these are all symptoms of my illness. It is time to forgive myself. Events that have past cannot be changed. All I can do is live in the moment. If I regret how I have acted in the past, I can change how I act in the present. That is the only way in which I can influence the future.

Monday 20th October

* Brushing my teeth this morning and got that slow, dawning realisation that I would be going to work soon, which brought on butterflies and a churned stomach. This was repeated as I got nearer to the office.

What the devil is going on here? My job is not currently stressful (an intriguing issue for exploration in and of itself). I work with good people in a reasonable atmosphere and environment. Why the anxiety? I have had this reaction for several years. I believe it is likely attributable to an underlying lack of confidence. At work, we are required to set our personal issues aside and be professional. Some of my colleagues know of my mental health issues but not all. Even for those that know, I feel compelled to put on the professional mask. It is perhaps a sense that the mask may slip. Or simply that I may make a mistake. Or even that I may be called upon to make a decision.

A simple reaction but one that hides enormous trigger points and issues.

* During the course of the day, I am asked to attend a meeting to present some data to the directors. Not a problem as such, I presented the material the month before and whilst I may be nervous, I know I can do it. The anxiety instead comes from needing data from others in order to update my presentation. What if they don't provide it? I will be culpable. the committee will think me incompetent and I'll be humiliated.

A repeating theme here. Clearly there are some aspects of this presentation out of my control yet I assume responsibility for the whole thing. I will be accompanied at the presentation by a senior manager, thereby diluting my level of responsibility in any event. Despite these mitigants, the overwhelming sense is one of danger, from which I want to run.

* We are attending a wedding at the weekend, a pleasant event by any criteria. During my lunchtime walk, I become anxious about when we will leave, how we will get there, what we'll do, how I'll keep the girls occupied.

An easy one this. All together now - fear of the unknown and loss of control. The absence of facts is causing me to project the worst possible outcome despite no evidence to this effect. It will be fine. It almost always is.

Sunday 19th October

* I went out for a jog today. It is something I have been wanting to do for many years but had always held back through some deep seated self consciousness, as if everyone will be looking at me and laughing. I did it. It wasn't very good and I didn't run very far but I did it. And I feel good for having done so. Anxiety overcome.

A theme I will no doubt come back to, this clearly highlights issues with self confidence and the judgement of others. I feel fat and project that this is the defining characteristic that others will see of me.

* Out shopping with the girls and they needed the toilet. I had a decision to make as to whether I left the trolley in the aisle or took it through the checkout and parked it whilst I took them in. I opted for the latter, drawing an enquiry from the lady on the checkout, then proceeded to bark at the girls until the toilet trip was finished and we were 'out of everyones way', at which point my mood returned to normal.

Decision making. A real trigger point, I feel that I have lost the ability to make a decision, always needing to seek reassurance from others, an underlying sense that whatever decision I make will be wrong. Consequently, I transferred this onto the girls, berating them to get a move on as if they are somehow at fault, which brings guilt and self recrimination.

* Took the girls to the park, somewhere we have been many times. First, they went on the climbing frame / slide, which includes a step bridge from the bars at one end to the slide at the other. Everytime I looked up to see them crossing, I could feel my stomach turn knots, my mind racing away with thoughts of disaster, that they would fall and horribly injure themselves. Then, they asked to use the climbing wall and some spinning death trap in the middle of the park. I refused both on the basis that they made me anxious, thereby denying them the opportunity to do something becuase of how it made me feel.

I find this the most interesting of today's examples because this is a fairly new phenomenon. It is almost as if my anxiety for them is worse since therapy. Part of this is circumstantial. When I entered therapy, they were not old enough to use these parts of the park. Simply put, there is now more that they are able to do. But perhaps additionally, my focus has begun to move away from me. Before therapy, my thoughts were very insular, I could not emote or project comfortably. I am now far more open and perhaps this is being reflected by a broader sense of awareness of my surroundings and my feelings to others around me.

Or perhaps it's just being a parent?

* Cooking lunch for next couple of days and having a dish that I had a couple of weeks before. Part way through cooking, I struggle to remember how I made it before and my mind races to the conclusion that I am now doing it wrong.

In this example, I contrived to somehow lose out in a judgement against myself. This has manifested before, a sense that the way I did it last time was right and any deviation from that is wrong. What does this reveal? Perhaps an insecurity at the method, meaning I am uncomfortable with free form process, craving instead the rigid discipline of prior success. This of course negates the possibility that a deviation may be better than the original.

Ultimately, it is perhaps about control.

Day 49 - 19th October

Food Log

Breakfast - Bran Flakes with sultanas

Lunch - Ham salad sandwich and Grandad's birthday cake

Dinner - Oven cooked sausage and chips with spaghetti

Dessert - Yoghurt

In Between Meal Snacks

* Apple

* Hobnob Medley bar

* Grapes

Thoughts & Feelings

* I went for my first jog today. Before setting off, I had in my mind a basic circuit to run but that was completely blown out of the water when I got going. I had thought that my lunchtime power walks would have prepared me and bult up some lung capacity but runing and walking are two entirely different things. I was gassed after just a few minutes and was reduced to walking part of the way having already decided to cut my route short.

* There is a temptation to be embarassed, almost ashamed of this 'failure' but that would be too harsh. I did it. And having done it once, I can do it again.

* During my route, I ran / walked past a couple of other people and had time to note my reaction. I wasn't embarassed at huffing and puffing past them with a big, red face. I was proud of myself for doing it. These people aren't judging me, I am projecting my self judgement on to them. Comparing myself to others is folly. I am on my own journey.

* I was very hungry when I came back. It was interesting to note that the first snack I reached for was not crisps or chocolate or sweets, but an apple.

* Meals clearly not in line with the plan today for various reasons, no big deal.

* Pain watch - ironically mostly caused by the run. When I came back, I had a headache, neckache, leg ache, ache ache. it was grim. But no particular issues with the usual neck / shoulder pain.

* Anxiety watch - lots of triggers today and it has inspired a new thread. Look out for The Anxiety Diaries, coming shortly.

* It was noted by a special lady that my blogs over the last week or so had included more humour than previous entries. This brings two points to mind.

1) This is reflective of finding myself in a better place mentally, having reached a degree of acceptance over my current circumstances, following the principles of mindfulness.

2) Someone actually reads these?

3) It turns out I had a third point.

4) Which has now become four after wasting one on that last entry.

5) Hang on, this is getting silly now.

6) Right, let's get back to business. My 3rd / 6th observation is that it is pleasing when someone picks up on some of the throwaway comments I include in these blogs. There is no forethought that goes into them, I just start writing and allow the words to capture however I feel. Sometimes I like to have some fun with the words just because it makes me laugh to do so, and so it is nice to know that others are enjoying it too.

Day 48 - 18th October

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix minis with sultanas

Lunch - Ham salad with 1x slice of bread & butter

Dinner - Roast lamb

Dessert - Crumble and slice of Grandad's on-the-boat-so-having-his-birthday-cake-early cake

In Between Meal Snacks

2x rice cake

Cadburys Brunch Bar

Apple

Thoughts & Feelings

* The weekend, bringing the usual challenges that come without the structure of work. No real opportunity for exercise today either. A shame but no big deal, will be back to normal by Monday at the latest.

* I'm quite tempted to get out for a jog tomorrow morning. I have some ridiculous, self conscious hang up about it but I want to do it. If nothing else, I will get out for a walk. We shall see.

* I have some interesting thoughts for future writing projects that I am keen to develop. Not least of which will be to revisit my writing course, which I have not touched since getting back into work in January. It's not like I haven't been writing in the interim (I'm a published author, don't you know) but I enjoy the structure and immediacy of the feedback it provides.

End of week 7 - 18th October

Starting weight - 12 st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 8lb

New weight - 11st 6lb

Comments

* With the discipline of the regime restored, 2lbs have been lost, leaving me just 3lbs from my end of year target.

* Yet somehow, I was disappointed. I'm not sure what numbers I expected to see, there was just some indefineable sadness. This is perhaps a legcay of mental illness, looking for the negative in anything positive. It may also have been exacerbated by the moment I looked down to look at the numbers and saw my gut still hanging out.

* I am being too hard on myself, I understand that. I have come a long way (baby). The fact that there is still some way to go does not detract from the distance already travelled.

* I had cause to think back on my experience of therapy recently. I met people in truly awful points in their life, people who had self harmed, attempted suicide or suffered terrible loss. The temptation at the time, which some of you reading may have, is to think, 'what have I got to complain about, these people have it much worse than me?' But that is to miss the point of mental illness. Just because there are degrees of illness does not negate the illness itself. One broken leg may be better than two broken legs but your leg is still broken and needs to heal. Everything is relative. I had to learn to accept and to give myself permission to be ill. Only then could I begin the path to recovery, a path that I continue to walk.

* And remember, the journey is always easier if the burden is shared.

Day 47 - 17th October

Food Log

Breakfast - Bran flakes with sultanas

Lunch - Foot long Subway (oh yeah) with coke (plus refill)

Dinner - Banana and 1.5x Belveta biscuit

Dessert - Carrot sticks, cucumber and apple

In Between Meal Snacks

2x rice cake

Go Ahead fruit slice (x3)

Thoughts & Feelings

* Lunch date today and with evening plans uncertain, I opted to fill up at lunch time. It's still healthy and the carbs are relatively early in the day. I did feel a little guilty about the extra coke but, hey, I paid for it (in a it-came-free-with-the-offer kind of way). Bottom line is that this is my main meal of the day so no regrets.

* The lunch time plans also meant no exercise, which is unfortunate but not a disaster.

* Forgot my apple, which is a bit annoying but it's absence is made up for my the extra salad in my Subway.

* No headache today. Some residual neck and shoulder pain but I have taken opportunities to move around and stretch, which seems to be helping.

* I actually feel pretty good today. I managed to comfortably fit into a polo shirt that I had long since abandoned for being too tight. I have been wearing my 36insch trousers, purely because they were the first ones I found but with the belt now on the final notch and my trousers still too loose, I think it is time for a permanent switch down to the 34's.

* I am actually looking forward to the weigh in this weekend. But whatever the scales say, I can feel the difference which at the end of the day, is more important than an arbitrary number.

* After my big lunch, I felt a little bloated. Rather pathetically, slightly self conscious in my (still somewhat) tight fitting, recently rediscovered polo shirt, I caught myself sucking my gut in a bit to hold up the pretence that I had a slim line, svelte figure.

* It remains noticeable how quickly I become agitated. I go from 0 to 100 with the girls almost instantly, and just as quickly regret the outburst. I have moments of genuine concern when I worry if I am causing them psychological damage or ruining my time with them during their most important, formative years.

* In a slightly different vein, I become anxious over the thought that I had overpaid for a round of drinks, the thought consuming me for about 30 minutes. I was conscious of it, which helped me to rationalise it, deal with it and ultimately forget about it and I am able to see the progress I have made by this act.

Day 46 - 16th October

Food Log

Breakfast - Bran flakes with sultanas

Lunch - Ham roll

Dinner - Turkey with salad, garlic bread, handful of pasta

Dessert - Ice cream lolly and nanny sweets

In Between Meal Snacks

3x (yes, 3x) rice cake

Apple

Go Ahead fruit slice (x3)

Hot chocolate drink

2x Tic Tacs

Thoughts & Feelings

 * The day started off on a bad footing when I woke with a thumping headache. It was doubly disappointing given that I had taken co-codamol the previous evening for a similar pain. I actually considered calling in to work sick so that I could sleep it off but I inevitably carried on.

* Perhaps this was on my mind when conversation at work turned to a general discussion about sickness. It got me thinking about my own experience of long term illness. Before being made redundant, I had been signed off work and undergoing therapy for depression and anxiety for 2 months, extended to 3 until my contract was 'mutually' terminated. It occurred to me today though that, despite all I have experienced and learnt, there is still a big part of me that refuses to accept these conditions as an illness. They are instead a problem to be overcome, like a quadratic equation.

* The reality of course is that  I was ill. In some ways I still am. Yes, I was capable of working, evidenced by the fact that I had done so for the previous however many years. But that is black and white thinking. The truth lies in a shade of grey whereby I could work but at nowhere near my capability and at great cost to my personal health. That is no way to live.

* The pain and associated tiredness contributed to me caving early and having a hot chocolate, or as I prefer to think of it, liquid calories. For the same reason I couldn't resist the extra rice cake.

* It was offset to an extent at lunch. With nothing prepared, I had intended a shortish stroll to Sainsbury's to buy a budget lasagne to heat in the office. However, shortly after setting off, I decided that I fancied a longer walk, so headed in the other direction, stopping off on the way back to pick up a bread roll and some ham.

* Still hungry though.

* The pain continued into the afternoon, spreading across my shoulders. It makes me feel physically sick. I noted that my packet of Ibuprofen makes the bold claim to be 'effective pain relief.' This is a lie.

* Given my tiredness and relatively light lunch, I figured a small amount of carbs w=for dinner was sensible. Funny though how I felt as if my stomach was growing exponentially with each carb filled mouthful.

Day 45 - 15th October

Food Log

Breakfast - Bran flakes with sultanas

Lunch - More muck I found in the freezer, plus rice

Dinner - Beef steak slice with salad

Dessert - Chocolate ice lolly and some nanny sweets

In Between Meal Snacks

2x rice cake

Apple

Go Ahead fruit slice (x3)

Crisps

Thoughts & Feelings

* Wednesday, which means crisp day (yay!). It did cross my mind that, with crisps being extra, I could (I almost said should, a powerful trigger word) forego some of the other daily snacks, perhaps the rice cakes. Clearly I didn't. I have some degree of guilt over this but rather than ruminating, I shall chalk it up as an option going forward and one that this time I chose not to exercise, nothing more.

* Talking of exercise, another vigorous power walk at lunch today but I noticed shortly after that I was incredibly tired. Was it the walk or the big, carb heavy lunch in my stomach? I'm not sure but it was fearsomely unpleasant. I came very close to giving in and having a hot chocolate to get some sugar in the system but opted instead for a cup of tea.

* Received some nice comments today from someone who had noticed my weight loss, a welcome reinforcement of my regime.

* Pain watch - a constant dull throb down my neck and across my shoulders, which is likely contributing to my tiredness. Physio appointment is now booked for December, fingers crossed it produces some results. In the meantime, I am tempted by a visit to the Osteopath, the downside being that it isn't cheap. Something to consider though if I need a short term fix to get me through until December.

Day 44 - 14th October

Food Log

Breakfast - Bran flakes with sultanas

Lunch - Some muck I found in the freezer, plus rice

Dinner - Mince with veg

Dessert - Yoghurt and some nanny sweets

In Between Meal Snacks

2x rice cake

Apple

Go Ahead fruit slice (x3)

Thoughts & Feelings

* I was determined to approach today in a more positive mindset. This should not however be confused with 'positive thinking' such as that promoted by spiritual guru's. Therapy has shown me the folly of this way of thinking and how it may be as unhealthy as negative thinking. If we think negatively, this is likely to be reinforced, exacerbating our mood. If we think positively ('today will be great, I will achieve xyz') we are setting ourselves up for a fall if we fail.

* Instead, I remind myself to think with balance. I will look for the positive, work toward the positive but I accept the negative may happen anyway. Life doesn't owe me anything, sometimes Mother Nature can be a cruel mistress. Do not seek happiness. Seek only balance and acceptance. Then happiness will find you. In time.

* My first opportunity to alter my work mindset was presented almost immediately this morning and I am pleased with my contribution. More of the same is now required.

* It is always nice when writing ideas come to mind, it gives me something to look forward to that evening. I have two pieces I am keen to progress, a children's story and an interpretation piece, which should be a lot of fun.

* Went out for a good, brisk walk today. There was a bit of moisture in the air but I have reached the conclusion that it will need to be near enough monsoon conditions to stop me going out. I am, however, rather sweaty.

* It crossed my mind whilst out walking that I don't blog about my dad much. A visit to Hastings over the weekend was a stark reminder that he is no longer with us. I asked myself what he would wish for me, if he had the chance. I suspect it would simply be for me to have happiness and contentment in my life, wherever I find them.

Day 43 - 13th October

Food Log

Breakfast - Bran flakes with sultanas

Lunch - Egg mayo sandwich and Go Ahead fruit slice (x3)

Dinner - 2x burgers in one bun, brocolli, green beans

Dessert - Cornetto style cone

In Between Meal Snacks

3x crackerbread

Cadbury Brunch Bar

Satsuma

Thoughts & Feelings

* Like one of those weather patterns with all the blue bars and small, tightly pressed arrows, low mood continues to dominate.

* For the first time, I have found this low mood is affecting my eating plans. To now, I have been resistant to the snacking desire, happy that as much as I like sweets and crisps, I would prefer to lose weight. Today, I just want to eat absolute crap. On the plus side, I haven't been shopping so I don't have any. On the down side, I haven't been shopping and need to go, thereby being presented with temptation.

* Hence the return of the daily food log. It helps keep me focused and honest about what I eat. Having to write it down will hopefully act as a deterrent to junk and binge eating.

* Dinner was that hodge podge of wanting to use up what's in the freezer versus not wanting to eat too much garbage. Shopping done, meal plans are now back in effect.

* It's time to address the elephant in the room. My low mood is undoubtedly exacerbated by work. I have resisted directly blogging about this as I don't want to write something that could compromise me but it needs to be addressed in order for me to move on. I am miserable at the moment, trapped in a cycle of negativity and self recrimination. I want to write professionally and anything else is a distant second best. As a result, I am disinterested and detached.

* I received two pieces of advice this week, both of which I dismissed out of hand at the time. Now, with some perspective, I am able to see the sense of them.

* The first was that, if I am frustrated and feel I am underachieving, seek more, put myself forward for additional work.

* The second, not unrelated advice was an encouragment to make my opinions heard, to critique, suggest, mould and shape.

* Both pieces of advice cut to the root of the issue. I have been deliberately holding back from committing fully to work. I believe there are two principle reasons. One is the desire to be renumerated for creative writing as a vocation. The second is a hangover from my redundancy (yes, still). Bottom line is I'm not going to paid to write professionally any time soon. It is a dream. And as for the redundancy? It hurt. It still hurts, but life moves on. So must I.

* Therapy showed me the importance of change, both accepting it and applying it. I work with good people. They accepted me unconditionally and each of them contributes to a supportive, fun environment. I have a good work / life balance. My stress levels, at least from work, are manageable. Is it the dream? No. But things could be a whole lot worse. I can contribute. I can make a difference. I can be happy here. I owe it to myself to at least try.

* And hey, I'm still a published author.