1066 All Stars

Middle of week 21 - 21st January

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 1lbs

New weight - 11st 1lbs

Comments

* This week started with a bang (well, a splat really) as a virus ran rampant through the house laying waste to all and sundry. I managed to escape the worst of it (apart from the smell) but nonetheless found myself prone for most of Sunday and missing an evening meal. Monday was a day of recovery with a short family walk to the shops providing some exercise and much needed fresh air.

* One aspect of my mental illness is the reliance on external sources for validation of self, belying any outward sense of confidence in my own judgement. It occurs to me that I risk doing the same with my weight. It is healthy to have a target and it is nice to see the numbers tumble but I also think it important not to fixate on these alone. When will it be enough? What magical figure will be deemed ultimately acceptable? The risk is none, and so it is far healthier to instead look for a point in time when I can simply be happy and comfortable with who I am, how I feel, regardless of what the number says on the machine.

* Today's weigh in is a case in point. Despite no movement since the last weigh in, 11st 1lbs, in respect of where I started, is a tremendous achievement and yet I find myself disappointed at not having moved the dial. So, in keeping with a blog I started elsewhere, let's take a moment to be kind to myself and consider some positives...

... I have lost 17lbs since this started

... I have dropped a trouser size and 2 belt notches

... my shirts are looser than ever

... I have implemented and stuck with a healthy eating plan

... I have implemented and stuck with an exercise regime

... and I have achieved all this whilst battling mental illness

* Whilst the healthy living aspect of this regime has progressed well, what has been the impact on my mental health? My general mood is clearly improved. I still have twinges of depression, those moments when I feel a disassociation with the world around me where you can be lonely despite being in a room full of people. But broadly speaking, depression has been kept at bay.

Anxiety however remains a major issue but this should not come as a surprise. My anxiety issues are not directly related to my physical well being, they are borne of a lifetime of thinking errors, deep rooted schemas. I succumb to them far more often than I would like, manifesting mainly around the children, which then morphs into a sense of guilt and recrimination which threatens to allow depression to set back in.

These are issues that won't be overcome in a few weeks or months. I am trying to undo a lifetime of behaviour and this is a process that may take years. As above, it is therefore important to be kind to myself, to recognise and acknowledge where I have done well and to forgive myself for mistakes made along the way.

End of week 20 - 17th January

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 2lbs

New weight - 11st 1lbs

Comments

* How exciting, I never got to 11st 1lbs before. After reaching 11st 3lbs, I had two days of gut rot and dropped stright down to 11st so it's nice to complete the journey 'properly'. Next stop 11st!

* After a couple of false starts with random injury, the exercise regime finally got back to normal. Diet wise the week was also fairly standard, however with the family enjoying a Friday trip to the Naughty Shop, I figured I was allowed a bag of chips. I was a little concerned at the extra fat content so in a pathetic attempt to hold off the calories, I carried on my walk whilst eating.

* Monday found me becoming one of 'those' shoppers as I stood in Poundland (yeah, yeah) sifting through the snacks, rejecting anything with a high fat or sugar content. I became a little self conscious when it occurred to me what I was doing but I guess it marks a definitive change in perspective, a reminder once again that this has not been a diet but is instead a lifestyle change.

One day I woke and found myself stuck in a deep, dark well

How did I end up here? It was difficult to tell

Things had been just fine, at least that's what I thought

Turns out that I had missed all the lessons that life taught

So I sat in the dark well with no way to climb back out

Stuck with my own thoughts, negativity and self doubt

No-one knew I slipped into this well of my own mind

If they didn't know to look, how could they ever find?

But then one day the floor gave way and I slipped down further still

My confidence had all gone, my energy, my will

I sat there with my thoughts, thinking of the ways

I had gone wrong, made mistakes, made my bed to lay

The game that cost too much, the books I never read

The things that I missed out on, the life I never led

Even if a rope were lowered, to lift me from the gloom

I would have turned my back, I couldn't leave this place so soon

I shrank into the well, hiding in the dark

No-one could know my secret, my shame, my stigma mark

But then one day a vision came, like sun through dark, grey clouds

To offer me a chance anew, to see if I could be found

He said, 'I've come to help you,' this vision from the sky

I said, 'You can't, there is no hope,' and he said, 'Just let me try.'

And he showed me a new way to think, at first it all seemed strange

But gradually I understood that all of us can change

And so I started to climb out, with the help of those around

I pulled and scraped until finally I was out on solid ground

There have been many days since those times gone when I have looked into the well

Wondering if I would ever go back, wondering how I fell

But I remind myself, in times like these, just how far I've come

And there are more roads yet to walk, more adventures still to come

Perhaps this tale is familiar, to someone close to you

The well can seem too deep but you can climb out too.

***

I hope you enjoyed this poem, thought it worth at least a look

So perhaps you'll go to Amazon and buy one of my books!

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Mr-Scott-Delonnette/e/B00QBWP772/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1421356682&sr=8-1

Middle of week 20 - 14th January

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 2lbs

New weight - 11st 2lbs

Comments

* A pleasant surprise this week to maintain my weight at 11st 2lbs. After waking up with a random, rather painful foot injury that made it difficult to drive, let alone walk, I was unable to get any meaningful exercise on Monday or Tuesday. Some improvement today meant I was able to have a semi-normal walk.

* A further surprise came when I thought my trousers seemed a little tight, prompting me to worry that I had put on weight, only to discover that I had moved down another notch on my belt. That's two notches over the last few months. My shirts also feel much looser. I'm going to need a new wardrobe at this rate!

* The weigh in was doubly surprising as I indulged in a couple of chocolate bites yesterday. 'Ooh, you devil,' I hear the four of you who read this cry. Yes, I appreciate it is a non-issue to have a little snack here and there but my reaction is worthy of note. As soon as the chocolatey treat touches my lips I feel like I am putting on about 8 pounds a bite. It is a gross exaggeration but it remains my first reaction.

* I was tempted to resort to the stock phrase of, 'I can't help myself' reacting this way. It is a seemingly innocent phrase that we all use from time to time. But it is wrong and it is unhealthy. I CAN help from feeling this way. I am not a fixed state, I can change. It is just more difficult.

One of the consequences of mental illness can be a tendency to always see the negative, to filter out anything positive.

Therapy taught me the importance of being kind to myself and so I thought I would make a list of some of the things I can be proud of. In no particular order...

...I have a beautiful wife, who loves me...

...I have three healthy, happy children...

...I have a job that I am good at...

...I have published not one, not two but three books of my own writing...

...I have lost 16lbs as part of a self created healthy living plan...

...I wake up everyday trying to be better than I was the day before.

And I have done all of this whilst trying to recover from mental illness.

I am not perfect, but I have learnt to accept that I don't need to be. I get a lot of things wrong. But I also get a lot of things right.

Mental illness is not mental weakness.

What's your kindness list?

End of week 19 - 10th January

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 3lbs

New weight - 11st 2lbs

Comments

* Despite a good week in terms of diet and exercise, I had been quite nervous about this weigh in. I still feel a bit flabby, my stomach feels bigger than I would like and so I had visions of putting on weight, losing motivation etc. This is of course the mindfulness trap I noted in my last update. I have eaten healthily. I have exercised regularly. There is no more that I could have done to influence my weight this week and so the only thing to do is to accept the outcome. And in any event of course, my fears were unfounded.

* It is nice once again to get past the 3 pound mark, the mythical 'natural weight' figure I hold in my mind.

* I was struck this week by the inescapable thought that my life is utterly ordinary. I have a beautiful wife. I have adorable twin girls. I have a bouncing baby boy. I own my own house, I have a full time job. I have enough money that I don't need to worry exactly how much. So why isn't this enough?

Because I want more.

In part this is mental illness speaking, judging myself against others and always coming up short. But there is another part, that tells me I am underachieving. That I have settled.

And yet this other part of me is full of conflict and contradiction.

I earn a reasonable salary. But why don't I earn £40k or £50k like others do? Why do I not have a profession that I can cite as my own and tout my qualifications?

Because, the negative side tells me, you're not good enough.

I enjoy writing, I'm pretty good at it. I read things that other people have written and think hey, I could do that. Why am I not being paid to write? Why shouldn't I have a job in media and publishing?

Because, the negative side tells me, you're not good enough.

Other people cope. I've been to therapy, I'm all better now, right? So why can't I move on?

Because, the negative side tells me, you're not good enough.

And so it goes on. The contradiction is clear; I hold myself to a standard that I feel incapable of ever reaching. Nothing I achieve could ever be enough because someone else has always done better.

* Deep within my notes from The Priory will be details on Schemas, patterns of thought and behaviour that we learn and come to use as a default reaction. I am succumbing to mine. Therapy taught me that what is learned can be unlearned, with patience and kindness to self. We can change. Once again I find that I understand the theory, the application is far harder.

* Walking round my house is like a mental health trigger centre.

...the curtains I haven't put up

...the shelves I haven't put up

...the clothes that need washing

...the floor that needs cleaning

...the sheets that need changing

...the rooms that need tidying

...the stuff that needs selling / chucking

...and on and on. I am aware so why don't I just get on with them? Whay am i giving in to the mental health trap of procrastination?

Because I don't know how! I don't know how to use the drill; when I tried, I don't know why it wouldn't go through the wall and I'm scared to try again; I might put the shelves up wrong, wasting my money and ruining the wall; I don't have time to do all the other chores, there is always some washing up to be done, some meal to prepare, some shopping to be done, some child to attend to.

It feels like a never ending torrent of chores and so I never start. And by never starting I never finish, and so feel like a failure.

* What is the solution? These issues are not going awa, there is no magic wand. I don't know, it is something I am wrestling with but I suspect once again that the answer lies in mindfulness.

Middle of week 19 - 7th January

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 3lbs

New weight - 11st 3lbs

Comments

* A weigh in of routine, rather than expectation this morning, however a part of my mind was instantly disappointed not to have lost anything. Nonsense of course, it has been 2 days. This impatience is a theme I will return to.

* My legs ache!

* I was discussing the other day how certain situations make me feel uncomfortable and set off my anxiety triggers. As part of this, I observed how I find it more difficult to work with a group of what I would consider my peers, versus working with those I would consider more junior to me. In one sense, this is just a preference. I have always enjoyed the coaching and mentoring aspect of management and working with younger, less experienced people gives me the opportunity to do this. But there is also a mental health aspect at work. Dealing with those junior to me means that I am in control. I hold the knowledge, I hold the power base. I am, to all intents and purposes, unchallenged. In a group of peers, I may be challenged, even contradicted. More subtly, someone may simply disagree with me or present another way of considering something. In these situations, my default reaction is to assume that I am wrong and the other person is right. Why? It is a fundamental lack of confidence and one of the main aspects of my psyche that I want to address.

* This train of thought led me once again to assess where I find myself professionally. I have been in my new job for almost a year now and yet still I am not entirely comfortable. I almost feel as if I am in someone else's house, I do not feel as if I truly belong. I remain distracted by comparison to why has come before, unable to simply accept what is now and adjust accordingly.

* Linked to this, I have been considering where I am in my journey of recovery. Should I be further along by now? In a sense, I have never been better. That I can write like this, free and uninhibited, is a relief and a joy. Yet I find myself feeling fragile. Professionally, my workload and stress level is nowhere near what it was. Whilst this can be a positive, it has heightened the sense that I am incapable of doing anything more. If a new task is presented to me, my immediate mindset is that I can't do it. I don't know how or if I could ever return to a position of management or seniority.

* An underlying theme to some of these issues is mindfulness. It is such a powerful tool. Depression might be seen as regret of the past, anxiety worry of the future. Mindfulness is the anchor to the here and now, a reminder to live and experience the moment you are in without judgement. Wistful reminiscence is fine once in a while, as is an occasional day dream of what may come. But when it becomes obsessive or unhealthy, mindfulness reminds us to let go of these unhelpful thought cycles. We can only change the present.

So it is with my weight. I cannot undo what I have eaten. I cannot wish away the pounds. All I can do is eat healthily and take regular exercise.

So it is with work. I cannot undo my redundancy. I cannot predict failure. All I can do is gradually ease myself back in, being kind and patient to myself.

Live in the moment. Become the change you want to see. And let the rest take care of itself.

Monday 5th January

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 4lbs

New weight - 11st 3lbs

* A change to the usual routine. Whilst I have already completed a New Year weigh in, this came amidst an ongoing holiday. This morning brings a return to work and so a return to the full regime and so I thought it would be beneficial to have an additional weigh in.

* Despite the scales teasing me with an initial 11st 2lbs, the final weight is a respectable 11st 3lbs, sitting me firmly on my target for the end of 2014. Having got down to 11st before Christmas, this remains the immediate goal.

* I was surprised by the strength of my desire to get back to exercise. A combination of Christmas, cold weather and chicken pox (the kids, not mine) conspired to render me fairly inactive over the holiday season and I was really looking forward to getting out and stretching my legs again. Despite the fruitless search for an Upsy Daisy dolly (don't ask), my lunchtime walk was invigorating and I would gladly have walked longer. It is a marked shift in mentality and I am pleased that it has survived the period of inactivity.

* The increased temptation for munching definitely surfaced over Christmas, the last couple of days in particular seeing me want to eat more unhealthily. But I largely resisted and have been rewarded. Truly I want to lose weight more than any desire to snack on filth.

* After my physio referral last year, I was given advice on some exercises to help with my neck issues. For some reason I put off implementing these until the New Year and so these will now form part of my daily routine. It marks another change in my mentality. I never used to care too much about health or appearance. Now, without being vain, I want to look and feel good. It is important for myself. It is important for my family.

* New Year is of course traditionally a time for resolutions, a series of arbitrary goals that we give up on within days or weeks. As I have demonstrated with this blog, we can achieve realistic goals if we set our mind to them and so, as the title suggests, rather than a resolution, my plans for this year will be an evolution of what has come before. Taking my cue from my professional life, I will set a series of SMART (Specific, Manageable, Achievable, Realistic, Timely) goals.

1. Weight

What - Target weight 11st

When - March 2015

How - Refocus on the healthy eating regime, eliminate unnecessary snacking, continue exercise.

Challenges - I was tempted to date this for February but that is an unnecessary pressure. Bad weather may impact lunchtime walks, alternative exercise plans may be required.

2. Weight

What - Target weight 10st 6lbs

When - December 2015

How - As above

Challenges - I was tempted to put a target date of June but I want to ensure that this is a realistic, long term goal. I am approaching my natural weight and it is becoming noticeably more difficult to lose weight on the present plan. I may consider changes to my exercise regime but my diet is healthy and balanced and I therefore propose no material changes.

3. Writing

What - Publish second blog collection

When - May 2015

How - Templates already in place from previous book, simply need to format

Challenges - Maintaining regular writing schedule to ensure sufficient material to justify publication!

4. Writing

What - Publish children's stories

When - December 2015

How - Base template is in place for non-illustrated book. Amazon has tools for publication with illustrations. I may also consider submission to a publisher.

Challenges - I am not an artist and my stories will be greatly enhanced by illustrations. Some of them would justify individual publication, in the vein of 'The Hungry Caterpillar' and other such books. The December deadline is a target to have published in a manner with which I am content, however I may publish in a more limited form earlier than this.

For 2015, I would also like to really start addressing my anxiety issues. I have developed a deep awareness of them, which is great, but it doesn't stop them manifesting. I could put some trite goal here about 'overcoming anxiety' or 'not being depressed' but that isn't SMART. So let's do it like this;

This year, I will try:

* To laugh more

* To get angry less

* To love

* To let myself be loved

* To forgive

* To forget

* To apologise when I am wrong

* To accept when I am right

* To work on the things I don't do well

* To acknowledge the things I do

The wonderful thing about Depression

For Depression is a very real thing

Your head feels like its made of rubber

Your life loses all of its spring

You're lonely, empty, lost all your fight

Forgotten how to have fun!

But the most wonderful thing about Depression

Is you're not the only one.

The end of 2014 gives me pause to think back on the key events of the last 12 months and how each has impacted on my mental health.

* The single biggest incident was undoubtedly the death of my dad. In large part, I said everything I wanted to say here and here. Perhaps all that is left to be said is this; there are many ways in which I am like my dad. I continue to work on the ways in which I am not.

* Returning to work was always going to be a defining event but I did not appreciate to what extent. The process started in late 2013 with temp work but my return to full time work was sealed in January as I returned to the financial sector four months after being made redundant. Perhaps the most difficult aspect was the sense I had that I must hide my illness. Had I been granted the opportunity to return to my previous employment, as I had expected to do, my colleagues would have been aware of the circumstances, I could potentially have a more open dialogue. Moving to a new environment, I felt a pressure to perform, to justify my place. After my last experience, I was reluctant to share for fear that it would hinder my progress.

This approach came with its own drawbacks of course. By hiding who I was, my anxiety was internalised. I was denying myself the opportunity to apply the lessons learned in therapy. Those around me likely would have no idea but I was continually battling a conflict between outward professionalism and inward turmoil.

As time has gone on, I have begun to open up to selected colleagues. But my guard remains up.

* Having a baby is a stress all of its own. But having a new baby when already having 3 year old twins and trying to recover from mental illness presents a whole new level of challenge. When he was born, I found myself looking after the girls. It was difficult to bond and it built a level of guilt and resentment which manifested in anger and sadness. As the months have passed, I have found it easier in some ways. As a baby becomes more responsive, it becomes naturally easier to interact with them. But the stresses remain.

Having children is the most enriching experience that one could hope for. They bring joy, laughter and love. They inspire me to see the world in new ways. They make me want to be a better person. But it would be remiss of me not to acknowledge that they are also a contributor to my stress levels. Part of this is a reluctance to move on from the life I had before and accept the life I have now. I still want to play my video games. I still want to read. I still want to watch films and stay up late. But within reason, these things are on hold. The single most important thing in my life are now my children. Mindfulness teaches us to live in the moment, to accept what is without judgement. Sometimes I get it wrong. And I accept that.

* One of the aspects of my mental illness that became apparent to me in therapy was a sense of inferiority. Dreams and aspirations were things that other people got to live out but not me. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't talented enough. I didn't work hard enough.

One of my dreams has always been to write my own book and be paid as a published writer. I fell away from writing some years ago, in hindsight some early signals of mental illness sapping my desire. But my time in therapy helped me to reconnect and this year saw the self publication of three collections. And people actually bought them and everything!

Beyond the books, I looked for avenues to write. My website has continued to expand with new blogs. I started a thread on the Sports Interactive forums, charting my mental health issues as they manifested in Football Manager, which has been well received. I have been published in literary journals, online papers and websites. I have written a number of stories for my children that I am incredibly proud of. 

Yet even now my mind wants to take this achievement away from me. The books are self published, a genuine publisher has not seen my work and paid me to write. The occasions when I have seen my books in print make me feel awkward that someone actually paid their money to buy my drivel. I feel guilty for making them waste their money.

But these are aspects of my illness speaking. Self publishing is a valid tool for would be authors in the age of the internet. The fact that people have bought it is a compliment. Could the books be better? Sure, but so could anything. They represent a point in my life, not the culmination of it. I continue to write because I like it. I will continue to publish because I can. And hey, maybe one day the right person will read it and like what they see.

* I have been overweight for as long as I can remember. Part of me accepted that I was simply fat. But therapy has shown me the fundamental importance of change. We are not a fixed state. What we are or what we feel in any one moment does not define us for eternity. We can change.

This year I set about a healthy eating plan and, inspired by a family member, decided to chart my experience in blog form, exploring how a healthy eating regime affected my mental health. Four months down the line, I have lost 18 pounds and am still following the core tenets of the regime I set down for myself. To my surprise, I have embraced a change in diet and actively look for opportunities to exercise. It is a very practical reminder to myself that we can change and I look forward to continuing the plan into the new year.

* Christmas brings its own unique pressure. I wrote about my feelings here. The reality was a combination of both joy and stress, a microcosm of my year perhaps. On the one hand, there is nothing better than living vicariously through your children as they revel in the joy and wonder of opening presents, seeing flashing lights and dreaming of what Father Christmas might bring. On the other, there is a nagging doubt about whether we spent enough, why I can't simply relax, whether I am ruining my family's memories.

I recognise the thinking errors. Black and white thinking, catastrophising, the negative bias filtering out the good and focusing on the bad.

* And so where do I find myself at the end of the year? It is 15 months since I left therapy. Is anything different, has anything changed? It is a fair question to ask. In some ways, my anxiety has never been higher. I remain quick to anger. My mood can swing from high to low in the blink of an eye. There are times when I feel I can't cope, that the simplest decision is crippling.

And yet I am aware, which is an achievement in itself. But awareness by itself is a dangerous animal. Awareness of our triggers can leave us susceptible to them, walking a path whereby we accept a limitation, define ourselves by what we are not. Yet awareness can also give enlightenment. For awareness brings recognition and the opportunity to change.

I am not where I want to be. In some ways, I am not where I expected to be. But perhaps I must also acknowledge that I am ill. The completion of therapy does not represent a cure. I did not suffer a broken leg that can simply be healed and rehabilitated. My mind has spent years practising unhealthy behaviours to the point that my natural reactions are almost to sabotage myself, to see the worst. Everyday I must choose to change, to undo the knots of depression and anxiety, to plough a new furrow in my mind of balance and acceptance.

And so I do not approach the new year with a misguided expectation of positivity. Life owes me nothing, it is up to me to become the change I want to see.

End of week 18 - 3rd January

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 2lbs

New weight - 11st 4lbs

Comments

* With the Christmas period drawing to a close, what has been the damage? I start the year 4 lbs above my lowest weight but just 1 pound over what I consider to be an acceptable weight. Given the circumstances, this is a reasonable starting point for the new year. I have been pretty inactive over the last week and with mince pies and Christmas cake knocking around, some weight gain was inevitable. I look forward to resuming the exercise regime on Monday, weather permitting.

* I wrote a review of my year here which repeats my mantra of the importance of change. Someone on Twitter pointed out how hard achieving change can be and they are absolutely right. It is a fundamental tenet of sound mental health but I must be careful not to underestimate the work involved.

* Speaking of the new year, I have strange feelings about it. On one hand, I have a sense of positivity in that I am looking forward to resuming my healthy living regime and seeing how close I can get to 10st 6lbs. On the other, I was struck earlier in the week by a sense of sadness about returning to work on Monday. In part this is natural of course. After all, who likes going to work? But there was more to it. There was a sense that, after the excitement of Christmas, life is now to return to the routine, dare I say drudgery of real life. In a sense I feel that nothing has changed, the cycle is to be repeated endlessly with no variation, no end in sight. 

Of course it is up to me to ensure that this is not the case. Life is what we make of it. But again I caution myself that applying the changes In want to see is a hard process and it is important not to put too many demands or pressures on myself.

* Want something else to read? How about this and this to get you started.