1066 All Stars

This week (the 20th to be exact) marks the one year anniversary of being made redundant from my job.

It is difficult to know what to feel. Should I feel anything? It was just a job, and one I hated at that. Yet for all that, it throws up a number of thoughts. There is no particular order to these, this is just what is on my mind.

...I am well rid of my old job. It made me miserable. It made me ill. It sent me to hospital. I remain angry at the way I was let go and the implication that had for my therapy.

...And yet I still miss it.

...Part of the problem is actually caused by the solution. Bystaying in the same industry, I eliminated an anxiety trigger by ensuring that I would be going into a role and sector that I knew well. I wouldn't have such a steep learning curve, I could concentrate on simply getting back to work. But, at the same time, it helps to highlight the similarities and the glaring differences.

...I am far more reserved in this company. Despite my anxieties, tenure gave me a swagger and confidence. I knew everybody and they knew me, good and bad. Now, I am the new guy. Everyone is a stranger. They have no concept of what I was before and what my skillset is. I have been there 9 months now but still I feel inhibited.

..After 12 years in my last job, I knew all the systems, the processes, the workarounds, the shortcuts. Now, I don't even know the names of all the people who sit behind me. I need to learn it all again. It is like a marrige ending and then finding that you are back on the dating scene, having to once again go through all the rituals and awkwardness of courting, of getting to know someone. If I want to progress, I know I must do it. But part of me is resisting.

...I am torn as to where and how to progress next. It has always been in my character to push myself and seek more. To that end, I sometimes find myself conflicted. I worry how I am perceived by those around me. It is not meant as arrogance or showing off but the simple fact is that my old role was more demanding and complex. Yet, if I were offered more, would I take it? Would I want it? I don't know. Despite all I feel I have achieved in the last year, I still face a daily battle against anxiety. Sometimes the slightest of incidents can act as a trigger. I want more for myself but I am not convinced I am ready for it. In a way I still feel too delicate.

...I am pleased to have continued my writing. It had always been a dream to get something published. But I decided that I didn't want to dream because dreams are not reality. So instead I made it an ambition and I achieved it twice, once as a story in someone else's collection, once my own publication. It is self publishing, so in some respects not 'real' publishing but at the end of the day, people have paid money to buy something that I created. That is pretty special to me.

...Publishing brings its own issues. For the first time, I understand what I want to do with my life. I enjoy writing. I think I am good at it. I have experiences that I want to share with people. This is what I want to do for a living. But I have come to wonder why I bother, what is the point? When I break down my book sales, I have sold 20 units and I'm pretty sure I could name every person who has bought one. When I check the hits on this site, it is rarely out of single digits. I have a smattering of twitter followers. Simply put, I have no audience. Outside friends and family, no one is reading my stuff. I am grateful to everyone, whoever they are, who has taken the time to read something I have written but I want more. I want the exhilaration that comes from someone I don't know coming across my writing and thinking it is interesting enought to warrant paying for. 

...It is not often that I censor myself, I have made a concerted effort to write these blogs as honestly as possible. I wrote a piece recently called Unsocial Media, where I queried the nature of my Facebook friends and their interaction with me in regards to mental illness. But I held back. I wrote it as a polite enquiry. What I left out was some of the resentment I felt. Outside of family (both immediate and extended) and some specific individuals, it feels as though I have been left to battle my illness alone. Perhaps people do not understand. I was in a mental hospital for three months. I experienced what the tabloids would probably (inaccurately) refer to as a 'nervous breakdown'. My life has been turned upside down, forcing me to fundamentally question who I am. It has been a life changing experience. I am not cured, I never will be. Maybe I have become too adept at hiding my true self. I can put on a mask with the best of them. But my triggers and insecurities remain.

...Two of the people who have been most supportive to me and us as a family are Karen's parents, Phil and Rachel. They are unswervingly generous and kind with their time and advice, assisting us on countless projects around the house and are always ready to help with the kids. And how have I repaid such generosity? With rudeness and ingratitude. It is tempting to blame my depression and anxiety but that is an easy cop out. I take responsibility for my actions. They have given us so much and I have taken them for granted. They deserve so much better. The last year has taught me that life is a journey. I am endeavouring to change. I apologise to them both unreservedly.

Day 16 - 16th September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Alpen

Lunch - Jacket potato with salad and corn on the cob

Dinner - Mince with tomaotes and onions, carrots, cauliflower

Dessert - Tea with 2x Nice biscuits

In between meal snacks:

Apple

Orange

2x Rice cake

Thoughts and Feelings

* The first day of the regime where I really didn't want to exercise. I just felt tired and sluggish, it was a real effort to get the legs moving. I suspect there are a few issues at play. 1) No carbs for dinner. Might this have an effect? 2) Week 3 of the diet, perhaps it is natural for enthusiasm to wane just a little bit. 3) I am in constant pain from my neck which saps my energy. I am always tired. 4) My thoughts this morning dwelled on the unlikelihood of ever being paid to write, something I have a serious interest and investment in.

* Declines - donut, cream cake

Day 15 - 15th September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Alpen

Lunch - Jacket potato with beans

Dinner - Chicken salad with corn on the cob

Dessert - Tea with 2x Nice biscuits

In between meal snacks:

Apple

Orange

Banana

2x Rice cake

Thoughts and Feelings

* A real struggle today. I am lacking motivation and it is undoubtedly contributing to a desire to snack, hence the second rice cake. It doesn't help when there are yummy looking chocolates being passed around the desk.

* Whilst I am disappointed with the weigh in this morning, I am determined not to lose heart. If anything, it has made me refocus on the savings I can make during the day. This week I will be far stricter on not allowing carbs in the evening. If that means foregoing dessert for instance than so be it.

* Declines - chocolate

End of week 2 - 15th September

Starting weight - 12 st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 11lb

New weight - 11st 12lb

Comments

* Disappointing but, if I am being honest, not entirely unexpected. I didn't feel like I had lost any weight, all thise unpleasant bulges are still present and correct.

* I remain committed though. This was never going to be a 2 or 3 week turnaround. I'm not ready to give up just yet.

Day 14 - 14th September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Bran Flakes (with sultanas)

Lunch - Ham salad baguette

Dinner - Roast chicken with roast potatoes, carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, greens and stuffing

Dessert - Small portion of ice cream

In between meal snacks:

Hob Nob medley bar

1x Snack A Jack

Thoughts and Feelings

* Sunday, which means roast dinner;. Which in turn means the one day of the week when I will allow myself a normal evening meal. That doesn't mean abandoning the plan though. Carbs are managed, if not rationed so intensely.

* For various reasons, I couldn't squeeze exercise in today. I am not disheartened though. I got some things done that needed doing and I know that I will be back into the usual walking regime tomorrow.

* There are very specific moments, under (perceived) times of high stress, when I just want to chuck it all in and go buy some sweets. I have resisted thus far but I am very conscious that I am only one bad weigh in or one material adverse scenario away from falling off my self imposed dietary wagon.

* I am also conscious of how many 'allowances' I give myself. A roast here, a snack bar there. In isolation they are fine but added up they will add the pounds back on.

* Finally, I am aware that, really, not much has changed. It has been two weeks, I have made a few rudimentary adjustments to diet and am more conscientious with exercise at lunch time. But other than than, it is still pretty much business as usual. I should not expect weight to simply start falling off just because I want it to.

Day 13 - 13th September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Bran Flakes (with sultanas)

Lunch - Ham salad baguette

Dinner - Oven baked chicken breast with small portion of boiled new potatoes, cauliflower, brocolli and carrots

Dessert - Small portion of ice cream

In between meal snacks:

Orange

1x Snack A Jack

Thoughts and Feelings

* The weekend, and all the challenges that bringa. Except thatr today it was slightly easier. Our usual Saturday morning trip to the shops was delayed, meaning that by the time we got back, it was pretty much lunchtime, eliminating my usual snacking window, the 'snacks' noted above an accompaniment to lunch.

* The walk to the shops ensured I managed to fit my exercise in too.

* Almost 2 weeks in and for the first time, I am really struggling with the snacking urge. There is no specific food, I am jst hungry and want to eat more.

* Once again, fluid intake is disrupted over the weekend, which may in fact be contributing to my hunger, something to learn from.

Day 12 - 12th September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Bran Flakes (with sultanas)

Lunch - Jacket potato with spaghetti hoops and mini sausages and cheese

Dinner - Tomato soup with 1x slice white bread

Dessert - 2x Mr Kipling slice

In between meal snacks:

Apple

Plum

2x Snack A Jack

1x mint (yes, really)

Thoughts and Feelings

* An awful night's sleep followed by an awful morning, punctuated by a specific incident that merits a full blog entry of its own. Despite a heightened level of anxiety, I had no thoughts of additional snacking. The new regime appears at this stage to be successfully bedded in.

* Whilst heating up my soup I suddenly got an almost overwhelming urge for some pickled onion monster munch to dip in it. Yum, yum.

* The weekend starts here, apparently. This brings the challenge of the lack of work day structure. No Chessington this week, which gives me greater control so the plan is for a morning trip to the shops for some salad and other bits. Tomorrow may be Saturday night but that's no reason to chuck everything in and splurge on a pizza or burger. I have an idea of what I will eat and it's in keeping with the plan. The only concession is an extra Mr Kipling slice this evening. Living the wild life!

* My thoughts have also turned to next week and meal ideas to keep the regime going. It is heartening that, at the moment, there is no loss of momentum. The forward planning is not done with trpidation or reluctant acceptance, it just feels normal.

* It is strange, almost like a switch being flicked in my brain from a position of absolute refusal to accept a dietary change to a position of absolute dedication to the regime. Thsi black and white, all or nothing behaviour can be harmful, as it could still be here if taken to the extreme. But, whilst it feels not only harmless but beneficial, I shall ride the wave of enthusiasm it has brought.

Day 11 - 11th September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Bran Flakes (with sultanas)

Lunch - Stir fry vegetables with noodles and char sui sauce, corn on the cob

Dinner - Chicken soup with 1x slice white bread

Dessert - Apple and blackberry cheesecake with ice cream

In between meal snacks:

Apple

Plum

Banana

Thoughts and Feelings

* Still fighting off the cold today but once again looked forward to lunch and the chance to stretch my legs.

* I did kinda go the wrong way though and, whilst I knew where I was, found myself further away from the office than the 10 minutes lunch break I had left, resulting in a sweaty powerwalk back. Jolly invigorating though!

* To help fight off the cold, I wanted to buy some methol sweets. Given that they were various flavours of fruit, I made the mistake of looking at the calories and was horrified to discover how many carbs they had and therefore didn't buy them. Overkill? Perhaps. I do have a tendency to all or nothing behaviour, there is very often no middle ground. Whilst I am ultimately happy with the decision made, it is important to remember that behaviours are not fixed; just because I act a certain way today (and have done in the past) does not prevent me from acting a different way in the future. That we can change is a fundamental lesson of my mental health recovery.

* I have a degree of impatience regarding the diet. It is only natural I guess but I want to see some tangible results. There is an element of anxiety about the next weigh in. What if I haven't lost any more? What if I have gained weight? I suspect I will be fine this week if there is no real movement but if it stretches into week 3 there is a real danger of losing motivation.

* Still, that is projecting. Mindfulness reminds us to live in the present. Weigh in is Monday morning and not before.

* Declines - biscuits, cake, meatball

Day 10 - 10th September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Bran Flakes (with sultanas)

Lunch - Stir fry vegetables with noodles and char sui sauce, corn on the cob

Dinner - Tomato soup with 1x slice bread

Dessert - 1x Mr Kipling slice

In between meal snacks:

Apple

Plum

Banana

Crisps

1x crackerbread

Thoughts and Feelings

* Wednesday, so my one day of the week where crisps are allowed.

* Feeling terrible today, the head cold taking full effect but still managed to get out for a decent walk.

* My cold also played out an interesting mental health scenario. I wanted to go home early. I knew that I should. But I wouldn't, unless I was specifically told to by an authority figure. This is something that came up in therapy, a deference to authority. I was very conscious of the fact that I had a choice to act differently, to make my own decision to go home, but I rejected it. As mindfulness teaches, I will not judge myself for not acting, but it is interesting that I found it so difficult to change this particular behaviour.

* Declines - biscuits, snack a jacks, leftovers, second Mr Kipling slice.

Day 9 - 9th September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Bran Flakes (with sultanas)

Lunch - Stir fry vegetables with noodles and char sui sauce, corn on the cob

Dinner - 3x sausages, handful of oven chips, carrots, broccoli, spoon of baked beans, 1x tinned tomato

Dessert - Small portion of apple and blackberry crumble with spoon of custard

In between meal snacks:

1x Crackerbread

Apple

Plum

Banana

Thoughts and Feelings

* I found myself looking forward to lunch today but not for food, for exercise!. A brewing cold made me feel pretty rubbish this morning. My normal recourse would have been to sweets or crisps but instead I found myself wanting to get out and walk.

* Dinner at Granny's today, so presents the challenge of not being in control of my own dinner plans. I gave instructions that, whatever we had, I wanted extra veg and less carbs, which Granny kindly accomodated.

* Declines - biscuits, ice cream, extra sausages!

* I am beginning to doubt the last two weigh ins and am trying to resist the temptation to weigh in again. Going from 12st 4lbs to 11st 11lbs in a week seems ridiculously unlikely and it makes me feel like I did it wrong and that the result is invalid. I have little doubt the starting weight was right. I felt heavy and based on prior experience, that weight felt accurate. I am doubting the 11st 11lbs, despite recording it twice.

* I think it stems from the fact that I don't feel any different. Yes, I can notice a slight reduction in the spare tyre but the excess flab is still noticeable around my moobs, stomach and legs. It just doesn't seem right.

* I am going to resist though. The doubt is borne out of an innate lack of self confidence, to the point that I doubt an independently generated result on the basis that I am the one who instigated its generation. Mindfulness tells me to simply live in the now. I will weigh myself on Monday, not before.