1066 All Stars

Anxiety and depression ruined my life, I cried, I cried.

I thought I just needed to work a bit harder, I tried, I tried.

I told myself this was just a phase, I lied, I lied.

Anxiety made me think I was no good, I failed, I failed.

Depression left me cut off and adrift, I sailed, I sailed.

I had become a prisoner of my own mind, I was jailed, I was jailed.

But with help and support I saw there was hope, I could change, I could change.

Things could be different, I could try a new way, it felt strange, it felt strange.

The horizon that always seemed so far away was in range, was in range.

The past was gone, the future was mine to find, to find.

By living each day right in the moment of my mind, my mind.

I learned to forgive and look after myself, to be kind, to be kind.

Final Fight

Developed by: Capcom

Released: 1989

Format played: Arcade

Ruminations

A side scrolling beat-em up, originally developed as a sequel to Street Fighter before the premise was changed.

The basic plot is something straight out of an 80s action flick like Commando as the (former street fighting!) mayor's daughter is kidnapped, leaving it up to Mayor Haggar, boyfriend Cody and, er, some other Guy, to rescue her across 6 stages.

The plot is pure cheese, the villans bearing more than a passing resemblance to The Scullions from Police Academy 2 with a nod to The Warriors along the way.

But, let's face it, the plot is just an excuse to punch a load of people in the face.

Second Impressions

This is exactly the sort of game I think of when I recall arcade games from my mis-spent youth. The graphics are big and chunky with vivid colours. Detail all these years later is low, there is no motion capture here. But everything looks and feels weighty, an essential component of any fighting game.

The look is, perhaps not surprisingly, reminiscent of Street Fighter 2 but also similar games such as Turtles or Dragon Ninja. It is a significant improvement on earlier games like Double Dragon.

The 6 stages see you progress through Metro City, from the slums to the penthouse via a trip on the subway, our heroes punching their way through doors and facing off in the wrestling ring.

Gameplay

Games such as this are a dime a dozen - Double Dragon, Dragon Ninja, Golden Axe - all variations on the theme.

There is no great variety. You walk left to right, kicking the crap out of anyone who comes along. There are three characters to choose from but there is little tangible difference. Haggar has more power moves whilst Cody and Guy's move sets seem fairly similar but it doesn't alter the playing style. Punch, kick rinse and repeat is the order of the day here wth the occasional throw or flying kick thrown in for good measure.

The graphical variation of each stage doesn't fundamentally affect the gameplay. New enemies are introduced as you progress, including knife throwers, burly fat guys and a couple of pyromaniacs but they are dispatched in much the same way.

Weapons add a sizzle to the steak of the main gameply, picked up either by destroying background scenery or from felled enemies. Again, whilst there is a superficial variation, it basically breaks down to club weapons (sword, pipe), stab weapons (knife) or projectile (throwing knife). Other items can also be found to boost either your score or your health, although sadly when I tried to pick up the dogs found on later levels I discovered that they appear to just be scenery and can't be used as a weapon.

Sound

The chunky sprites are backed up by satisfyingly meaty thwacks as enemies are shown the error of their ways. Music is typical of arcade games of the time, synthetic background fare that is forgotten as soon as the credits roll (and be sure to watch them for a comedy ending).

Perhaps the most annoying aspect is the laugh of the Mad Gear leader that is played whenever he is on screen and that makes you genuinely want to punch him in the face.

The Bottom Line

Big, brash, simple and dumb. It won't take you more than an hour to play through on emulation with unlimited credits but this remains a fun title to revisit. For best effect, grab a mate, switch off your brain, pull on your 80s headband, turn up your collar and get your best Arnie one liners ready because Final Fight is a rollicking blast of pure action flick nostalgia.

Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back

Developed by: Parker Brothers

Released: 1982

Format played: Atari 2600

Ruminations

Based on the AT-AT attack on the planet Hoth at the beginning of Episode V, The Empire Strikes Back is a fast paced, side scrolling shooter.

Effectively a varient on Defender, you are tasked with piloting a Snow Speeder to defend the rebel base from a relentless horde of AT-ATs.

Second Impressions

I have fond memories of this from my youth, taking turns with my brother to defend the Rebels against the evil Galactic Empire.

Some 33 years on, I was concerned how much appeal this would hold. Retro gaming can be fun but there comes a point when the visuals are so shonky as to render the experience unplayable and so I was worried that this would be a wash out.

I needn't have been, It is visually limited, sure; your ship is a misshapen blob, the sky differentiated from the ground only by a different shade of the same blocky texture. And yet for all that, it retains the core of Star Wars. Your blob actually looks like a Snow Speeder. The AT-ATs look like AT-AT's and are all the more satisfying to destroy because of it.

And the damage mechanic works well too. Take a hit and your ship goes from black to orange, warning you of danger. Take another and watch forlornly as your ship disintegrates into a heap of junk. The flashing blob on the AT-ATs is great too, adding to the excitement as you zero in for a quick kill.

Modern eyes look for things are are unfair to demand of the hardware. For a game based around defending your base, there is no visual representation of it, just a flashing sky when you inevitably die to mark your failure.

But who cares when it's this much fun?

Gameplay

Picture the scene...

You are browsing your hard drive, looking for a game from yester-year to pass a few minutes when you chance upon the Atari emulator. With so many games to choose from, you narrow it down to Moon Patrol and Empire, plumping for the latter but with little expectation.

You load up and your heart sinks as the tinny music starts up, the front end nothing more than a stationary ship on a garish background. You try to figure out the keys to get started, accidentally changing the difficulty before finally hitting the start key, taking control of your ship and...

...Holy crap this thing is fast! In the best traditions of Defender, your Speeder zips along at a rate of knots. It might look the pits but it is a dream to control, your craft reacting quickly, allowing you to fly around the advancing horde, skimming the beast and dodging incoming laser fire.

As they are hit, the AT-ATs gradually change colour from black through to orange before finally being destroyed. Or a shot on a flashing sweet spot will see the beast taken down with a single shot. But beware, the AT-ATs shoot back and crashing into one can be fatal.

If you do get hit, your ship bounces away in a neat recoil, giving a tangible sense that you have been blasted by a big, hulking leviathan of a foe.

Speed can be controlled too, a shove of the stick to the left taking you at full pelt, a nudge back to the right slowing you down, a full shove turning you on a sixpence.

There is little variety of course but then that is not the point. This is arcade gaming purity, just you against the scoreboard. How long can you last? How many AT-ATs can you take out? Like the aforementioned Defender or Asteroids, right up to modern handheld games like Subway Surfers or Temple Run. Simple, fun and addictive.

Sound

Things get off to a poor start with an ear splitting rendition of the Star Wars theme, a cross between Metallica played backwards and a group of frogs having a burping contest. However it is quickly forgotten as the main game sound effects kick in.

Okay, the laser fire sounds a little like someone crinkling tin foil but it works. When ship or AT-AT is destroyed, it crumbles with a satisfying explosion.

But best of all, acting as a backdrop to the action is a steady, 'thrum, thrum, thrum' beat of the AT-ATs advancing, starting off at a steady pace, quickening as they get closer to the Rebel base, the beat intensifying as they draw inexorably closer until finally they reach their target and the base is destroyed in a cacophony of unbearable tension and a flash of light.

True, authentic, exhilarating Star Wars.

The Bottom Line

This is what retro gaming is all about. Forget the visuals, forget the limited gameplay. There is no plot, no characters, no hidden areas. This is pure, unadulterated arcade escapism that remains as enjoyable an experience to play now as it was when it was released.

The Force is indeed strong with this one.

* As a family treat yesterday, we indulged in a McDonald's for lunch. I knew it was a mistake to do it but couldn't resits weighing in this morning to see what damage was done and I was...

10st 12lbs!

* I am on holiday for the next week which presents a new challenge. This may sound strange but the transition from work to holiday can be difficult. This frequently occurs at weekends too where I find my anxiety levels are extremely high, my mood in contrast to that at work.

What is going on here? I think part of it is simply tiredness, the body and mind relaxing, leaving me exhausted for the first day in particular.

But part of it is mental health. My mind wanders to the things to be done, either household chores or activities with the kids. Or I start to worry that I am not being a good enough dad, that I'm too irritable, that I will look back on their early years with a deep sense of regret and missed opportunity.This leads to rumination on the past and procrastination on the future, an unhealthy combination that opens the door to let depression sneak in.

* A friend suggested that I allow myself to relax the plan for or two days a week to ensure that resentment doesn't creep in. It's a strange one. On the one hand, I completely agree and had reached the same conclusion.

On the other, whenever I deviate from the plan, I have a deep sense of guilt and a fear that I have suddenly piled on about 8lbs (see this morning's post).

This fear is driven by a sense that there is always more to be done, driven by my perfectionsim schema, and that is in turn undermined by my defectiveness schema, that tells me that nothing I achieve is ever good enough. It is a daily battle to put these into perspective, which is where mindfulness comes into play.

Starting weight - 12st 4lbs

Lowest weight - 10st 12lbs

Current weight 11st 0lbs

Thoughts

* It struck me this morning that it has been 7 months since I embarked on this journey. My first post was on 1st September where I clocked in at 12st 4lbs. I remember clearly that I was concerned as to whether I could realistically sustain a healthy eating / living plan. Well here we are 7 months later, having lost (as of today) 18lbs and I am...

* Disappointed! Which is of course a measure of how far I have come. 11st has become almost a new standard for me. I have dipped below, consistently getting to 10st 12 and 13lbs but I routinely drift back to 11st and very rarely stray over. I had high hopes of dipping below for Easter but that is a fabricated deadline.

* It is surprising to me that I have broadly managed to maintain my eating plan. I have allowed the occasional deviation but essentially it is the same routine; a normal breakfast, 'dinner' at lunchtime and then a salad or vegetable based evening meal. Exercise continues to consist of a lunchtime walk.

* On top of that, I retain the desire not to eat junk in between. I pack a set of snacks to take to work - an apple, a fruit bar, perhaps some snack-a-jacks - but still routinely turn down biscuits, chocolate etc. When shopping, my primary drivers are price and fat / carb content. This has really become a way of life, not just a fad diet and that is perhaps the secret to having maintained the weight loss.

* I still have a way to go to reach my target of 10st 6lbs and that brings me into conflict. The problem with this plan is that my meals become limited. It is difficult to take, say, pork chops or a steak into the office for lunch and so I am often restricted to pasta or rice dishes. The lack of variety can be galling occassionally which leads to a temptation to indulge in a big burger or something at dinner. The key as ever of course is moderation. The occasional indulgence is absolutely fine.

* It feels nice to have lost weight. I find myself rubbing my stomach or catching a glance of myself in the mirror and being (relatively) pleased with what I see. I feel good. I look, well, alright. I still have some lumpy bits I am not pleased with but on the whole, I can be happy with my progress

* Mentally, the challenges remain. Depression remains a constant presence in the background. It is a difficult concept to fully explain and there is so much stigma and misunderstanding out there.

But one thing I can say from experience; depression is not something you can necessarily see. I would challenge all but my closest friends (and even then...) to know that I am depressed, or indeed to have known that I was so ill that I needed hospitalisation. Depression is not feeling low, it is very often an absence of emotion, a cold numbing to the world around us. Nothing matters. But we retain the cognitive recognition of what is expected of us and how society works. And herein lies one of the most difficult aspect of mental illness. To conform to expectations, to ensure that others do not feel discomfort as a result of our illness, we become adept at wearing masks, hiding our 'shame' from those around. But inside, the pain is real.

* And so it is that I find anxiety and depression remain daily challenges to overcome. Some days are better than others. It is not about thinking positively, it is about employing mindfulness; live in the moment, accept what is and understand that we must become the change we want to see.

Oh The Guilt

One of the most difficult aspects of mental illness, especially the flavour of depression and anxiety that my mind appears to favour, is the loss of perspective and difficulty in making decisions.

This manifests itself daily in all sorts of scenarios; from work, to shopping, videogames to money matters. And of course, parenting.

Every decision taken is agonising, and is then agonised over. This helps to feed the anxiety cycle which helps it to grow, which in turn feeds a downward spiral of rumination into depression.

At 3 (almost 4) and 10 months, my children are too young to understand. All they see is the end result; a dad who is equal parts loving, fun and caring vs grumpy, shouty and tired.

It pains me to wonder what sort of example I am setting for them, what negative influence I am having on their development. They are good children on the whole. Sure, they have their moments like all kids, exacerbated by having twins who find a way to argue over everything. Yet I find myself losing my temper with them, especially at the weekend when I am tired from a long week at work.

Having twins magnifies this. We had to resort to IVF and so there is a part of your brain that says, 'Hey, you should be extra grateful that you have them.' Inherently they are special but that does not mean that I am immune from thoughts and feelings of frustration.

But as difficult as it is, it is important to try and stop this guilt cycle from setting off down the hill. Am I the perfect dad? No. Could I do better? No doubt. But on a daily basis, within each moment, I try my best. Sometimes I get it wrong.

Mindfulness teaches us not to dwell on events that have gone or have yet to come to pass. I cannot change what has been. I cannot predict what may come. All I can do is live in the present.

Two Heads Are Better Than One / We're In This Together

Parenting is not an exact science and we will all have our own thoughts on how to manage. Which means that sometimes you may have a different opinion than your good lady wife.

Nothing wrong with that of course. In fact it helps to create a healthy dynamic. But there may be times when this spills over into arguments between yourselves, either directly related to the children or, more likely, simply as a result of simmering frustration boiling over at a secondary consequence.

During these moments, it is important to remember that you are a partnership. You may have very different roles but as mum and dad, you are two sides of the same coin.

So remember to take care of each other. You might be tired and irritable from work. She is just as tired and irritable from looking after your little darlings all day long. Help each other take the strain, share the load. You may be mummy and daddy to them but you will always be husband and wife to each other.

Still to come:

What About Me?

Life Moves Pretty Fast

What's That Coming Over The Hill, Is It A Monster? No It's Their Brother!

The Chaos Engine

Developed by: The Bitmap Brothers

Released: 1994

Format played: CD32

Ruminations

The Chaos Engine is a top down, isometric run and gun game. Similar in basic concept to the likes of Ikari Warriors with elements from Gauntlet, the core gameplay sees you and a buddy choose from a collection of 6 surly looking combatants to tackle 4 worlds, each containing 4 levels, battling a progressively tougher set of enemies in your quest to unlock the 'nodes' that allow exit from each level.

Whilst it can be played by 2 players, if played solo the computer steps in to control the 2nd player, doing a more than passable job of killing enemies and collecting treasure whilst leaving the real good stuff (power ups, special weapons) to you.

Second Impressions

Having played the game fairly extensively when it first came out, it is interesting to see how it stands up today.

Visually the game takes its cues from previous Bitmap games, retaining the metallic style made famous by the likes of Speedball 2. And it is testament to the quality of this style that the game very much stands up today. There are some rough edges sure; a crude shadow appears as you blob your way past the bottom of flights of stairs for instance. But the game remains visually striking and the worlds and their inhabitants are diverse and memorable.

Gameplay

Visuals are the first thing to go in the transition from new to old but we quickly become accustomed to them. It's like watching Star Trek TNG and then switching to the Original Series; the jump is jarring but spend enough time in the respective universe and you soon lose yourself in the story, the visual element forgotten.

So it is with games, which means that after the initial jolt of visual adjustment has worn off, it is down to the quality of gameplay to keep you hooked. And it is here that The Chaos Engine occassionally shows its age.

The game is short but hard. The save mechanic is structured in such a way that you complete two levels and then enter a shop where you can upgrade, buy extra lives, restore your fallen comrade etc. But you only get to 'save' by way of a code on completion of all four levels of the world. That may not sound like much on paper but in the heat of the action, and as I found out to my cost towards the end of the game, it can be a problem.

I found it incredibly tough going to get to the final level of the game. Along the way I lost my AI controlled colleague (it came as quite a shock part way through the game to discover that he could be killed, I assumed him to be impervious) and found myself down to just 1 life and barely any health. The final level seemed to be impossible to beat (at least by myself) without sacrificing a big chunk of health. It took several reloads to get me past this last section. Only to discover the final final level, at which point I was promptly killed almost instantly. I felt that I had no choice but to quit and start again, this time painstakingly massaging my health right to the end.

The basic control of the character creaks as well. Players cannot move and shoot, firing your gun brings your man to a screeching halt. And there is no 360 degree movement, you must instead point in the direction you wish to move or shoot, which can occasionally be fiddly.

Despite these niggles, this remains a well executed, solid gaming experience. Your main character moves fluidly, the AI controlled character reacting intelligently to your own movement. Enemies are aggressive, presenting an escalating level of challenge, largely without feeling unfair. And levels are well designed too, secrets hidden throughout, power ups dangled as a temptation to explore, creating replay value.

Sound

This is where the game really stands the test of time. The CD32 version has a narrated opening but that aside, the music and sound effects throughout are excellent and add greatly to the atmosphere of the game.

It is a little jarring to hear diverse enemies utter the same pitch of moan when killed but they die satisfyingly. Speech throughout helps add to the atmosphere too whilst the techno soundtrack thumps along in the background, spurring the adrenaline fueled action..

The Bottom Line

The Chaos Engine may show signs of age here and there but remains a quality title and a fine example of the level of output seen on the Amiga. Tough but fair, this is a superb action romp and worthy of classic status.

Anger Management

Becoming a parent is a magical time. For us, it started with the stress of not knowing if we could have children, to the discomfort of IVF to the joy of the positive test followed by waiting and waiting (and waiting) for 9 months to pass, only for our little darlings to arrive early.

And those first few weeks too are like living in a dream world. After all the stress and worry of bringing them into the world, after the mad dash panic call to the grandparents for a lift to the hospital, after 2 weeks of nail biting as they stayed in the neo natal unit, finally they are home. Life will never be the same again. All that matters is them. This is our new world.

Witness the joy as they flash their first smile, embark on their first exploratory crawl, pull themselves to standing, totter their first wobbly steps and garble their first words.

And then, as time goes on, look on aghast as you discover for the first time what it is truly like to be angry.

I like to think of parenting as equal parts love and wanting to punch someone in the face. Nothing in life will bring you a greater sense of joy than seeing the world vicariously through your children's eyes as they discover things for the first time. But nothing will make you as angry as when they rip your newspaper you haven't had time to read, pull all your videogames onto the floor, refuse to wear their coat even though it's raining, refuse to wear jeans, constantly start a conversation with, 'Daddy...' without any plan of what will come next.

And with twins you get the added joy of always wanting whatever the other one has and then, once they get it, discarding it almost immediately, crying because they don't want their twin to play, crying because their twin won't play, choosing their own toy / coat / shoes (delete as appropriate) from the shops and then wanting to play with or wear whatever the other one has.

And here is where mental illness makes life that bit harder, every miniscule drama or complaint magnified by an underlying sense of anxiety, anger manifesting in bursts of frustration, subsequent guilt perpetuating a cycle of depression.

Being a parent is hard work. Sometimes you get things wrong. But you probably get a lot of things right. Be kind to yourself. There is no manual for this thing, all you can do is your best.

Playing Favourites

Having two children of the same age inevitably prompts comparisons between them, no matter how hard you try to resist. With a standard family, siblings brought up a few years apart, there might be a vague sense of, 'Well Little Johnny was crawling by now' or, 'Penelope was on to solids at this age.'

But having multiples presents a unique opportunity for direct comparison. One may be better at colouring, one has clearer speech, one is more stable on a bike. Whatever, it creates an unfair dynamic where your children's development risks being hindered by your own skewed perception.

Twins also allow you to see the nature vs nurture debate first hand. Two children, born at the same time, to the same parents and given the same upbringing will grow to become two very distinct, individual personalities. I try to refrain from branding them as 'the twins.' They have names, they are not a package.

One result of these factors is that you will occasionally be annoyed at one of them and not the other, creating two scenarios.

1) Both get punished for the actions of one. This is tough to avoid depending on the punishment (say, not going to the park) but be careful not to punish both just because it is more convenient to do so. Be careful also to punish equally; one of my girls can be more highly strung than the other which may temper my reaction to her versus her sister in the same scenario. This inconsistency is unfair, in a sense rewarding bad behaviour because I find it difficult to manage.

2) Your mind plays tricks on you, wondering if you are favouring one over the other, if you love one of them more. But these are tricks, exacerbated by my underlying anxiety. Of course they each present their trying moments at different times but there is plenty of love to go round too.

Still to come!

What About Me?

Life Moves Pretty Fast

What's That Coming Over The Hill, Is It A Monster? No It's Their Brother!

Bringing up a child is hard. Bringing up twins is even harder.

But what about bringing up twins plus a third child whilst battling mental illness? That is tougher still.

There are lots of reference materials out there for parents, including many books on bringing up multiples. But many of these are, understandably, geared more towards mums. But us dad's are an important part of our children's lives too and many of us don't have a clue what we are doing.

And so this feature will explore some of my thoughts; the highs and the lows, the mistakes made and the lessons learned. And all of it against the backdrop of an ongoing recovery from depression and anxiety.

Ready Or Not, Here We Come!

You're going to be parents to twins. Congratulations!

The first thing to bear in mind is that there is only so much space floating around in mummy's tummy. Your little princes or princesses are probably going to surprise you with a visit well before you're ready.

There is nothing you can do to prevent it and nothing you can do to prepare. No matter how ready you think you are, you are not. This will be a ride like none you have experienced before.

So what can you do? The main thing is to be involved. A dad's role is a strange one during these early times. The babies need to bond with mum, especially if breast feeding and so you can start to feel like a spare part. Rest assured you are not, so do what you can; cook, clean, change nappies, keep the house running. Mum will be tired, irritable, emotional and quite likely in a lot of discomfort.

Resist that bloke urge to fix. Don't try to take the feeling away, don't attempt to invalidate it with cold logic. It is how she feels. You don't have to mend, sometimes it is enough to simply be there to listen, to reassure, to comfort.

I'm Not A Number, I'm A Free Man!

It is a fairly common trait that we assign labels to people. It is a convenience, a way for people to relate.

Throughout my life I have been variously described as the quiet one, the smart one, the arrogant one, the fat one, the moody one, the stressy one, the laidback one. Most of these were not meant vindictively, they were meant with humour and affection.

And so you, and those around you, will be tempted to fall into the same habit with your twins. One cries all the time? Must be the stroppy child. One never finishes their milk? The fussy child. One who eats too much? The greedy one.

And what's wrong with that? It's just a bit of fun. Isn't it?

Perhaps, but there is a subconscious undercurrent too. Growing up, I was the 'smart' one in the family. I got decent marks at school, I completed my A-Levels, I went to University. And I went on to suffer from depression and anxiety that drove me to be hospitalised.

And labelling played it's part. Being called the smart one created a sense that I must always achieve, that anything less than full marks represented a failure. Then, as I got older and moved through University and work, I realised that I wasn't as smart as others. There was always someone better. One of the traits that I had allowed to define me had been taken away. I began to work harder, feeling that I had to put in twice the effort of others just to keep up, never satisfied by an achievement, focused on the negative, discounting any positive, always looking over my shoulder in case someone figured out what a fraud I was.

And so on the one hand my subconscious had created a thinking pattern (a schema) based on perfectionism whilst at the same time creating a secondary schema based on a sense of fundamental inferiority. I could never hope to achieve the standards I set for myself. I was setting myself up to fail.

This may seem an extreme example but it is revealing of the power of these schemas to take root in our subconscious and direct how we live our lives.

So however your children behave, whatever they take interest in, whatever they say or do, always remember that they are not their actions. They are individuals. Do not clip their wings to try to fit them into a predefined box.

Let them fly.

Still to come;

Playing Favourites

What About Me?

Life Moves Pretty Fast

What's That Coming Over The Hill, Is It A Monster? No It's Their Brother!

Videogames have been an integral part of my life. From the time I got lost wandering round the marketplace in Raiders of the Lost Ark on the Atari 2600, to bringing the arcade home with Gauntlet on the humble Spectrum, from the first time you find the dinosaur in Tomb Raider on PS1 to being stalked for a game of darts in GTA IV on PS3. Fantastic games and fantastic memories.

But there is a darker side too; mental illness. Very real life issues, manifesting themselves in the digital world.

Early Days

My initial videogaming experience reflected the games of the time. In the mid-80s, the arcade was king and the games were shaped around that experience. even on the home machines. These were not games to be completed but rather experiences to be had, each play a chance to beat your (or even better, your mate's) best score.

Titles like Track & Field, Moon Patrol, Outrun, Operation Wolf and Rolling Thunder were the order of the day. And multi-player games such as Ivan 'Ironman' Stewart's Off Road Racing, or Supersprint as you take delight in speeding past your forlorn buddy on the last corner to take the chequered flag.

But the home gaming experience soon began to change. In the comfort of your own surroundings, the game already paid for, the driving force of the game was no longer to suck another 10p out of your pocket. They already had you. And so games could become more level based, target driven, an end goal in sight. Platform games came to the fore such as Fire & Ice and Blues Brothers on the Amiga, as well as goal orientated strategy titles such as Syndicate or Mega-lo-Mania.

But then there came a game series that would indelibly change my gaming experience, one that would come to define me more than I would initially realise.

Championship Manager

It started out innocently enough. A friend gave me a copy of the very first version on the Amiga. I tried it but it was painfully slow and of course didn't have real players. The 1993 edition was much better and I had some fun with it, although the 2 hour pre-season data crunch was a real killer.

By far my fabourite version though was the 1993/94 version. I eventually racked up something like 26 season, including 25 consecutive league titles (I somehow conspired to not win it the first season) before my save disk corrupted and I had to start again.

And that's when the problems really started.

It was the summer of 1996. I was due to go to University later that year. The days were long, the weather was good. I had no responsibilities and time to kill. So what did I do? Restart Championship Manager. Over and over again.

The trouble was that I had already achieved everything and so there was simply no way of bettering it. Any subsequent achievement would always pale in comparison unless I achieved absolute perfection.

I would load up and find that my favourite player, Robbie Fowler, had been given a randomised stamina of 4. And So I would turn it off.

I would load up and find that another favoutite player, Chris Bart-Williams, had been given a randomised personality of Passive. So I would turn it off.

I would load up and lose the first game and so turn it off. Robbie Fowler would score less than 20 goals, I couldn't get staff with ratings of superb, Nii Lamptey couldn't get work permit and any other number of permutations, and I would turn it off.

In the end, I found that I recognised the copy protection and which 'random' stats it would apply and so could switch off before ever switchig on.

But it went further. It wasn't enough to simply switch off. I had to punish myself. And so every restart was a painstaking OCD exercise whereby I would go into X-Copy 2, format all the disks and then reload with a fresh set. Every. Single. Time.

The pattern continued even after going to University, only broken by eventually upgrading to CM2.

But the theme would continue into later versions, so much so that I dedicated an entire thread to it on the Sports Interactive forums, here.

I didn't realise it at the time of course but looking back now I can recognise the first signs of mental illness. I was engaging in thinking errors; catastrophising, black and white thinking, perfectionism. And it served to virtually ruin my gaming experience with CM / FM for the best part of 10 years.

Hoarding

After University, with a bit of money in my pocket and with the power of the PS1 and early PCs, I continued to buy games. I would often buy more than one magazine a month, lapping up the news on the latest games and rushing out to buy some of the best on offer. My game collection was swelled with such classics as Resident Evil, Metal gear Solid, Tomb Raider 2, The Sims, Escape From monkey Island, Grand Theft Auto. But there was a problem.

I never played any of them.

My obsession with CM / FM was so absolute that I could often not countenance playing any other game unless I had a successfull FM game on the go as well. But my measures of success in FM had become so unrealistic that I very rarely got past Christmas in the first season, instead relentlessly starting and restarting.

And all the while, the games stacked up, unplayed. I felt a compulsion to buy so as not to miss out but this in turn was overwhelmed by an even stronger compulsion to 'play' FM. It had become dangerously unhealthy.

And so it carried on through the PS2 years with more classics going unloved. I would find pockets of time where I would manage to put FM on a break, usually during late summer when I would reach the point where the next instalment was so close to release that it finally felt pointless to keep playing the previous one. And during these times I would joyously discover what I had been missing as I tucked into GTA Vice City or Freedom Fighters or Time Crisis.

Suprisingly it was actually the intervention of my (future) wife that helped to tackle the issue. She had never been a serious gamer, dabbling in Sim City or Command & Conquer, but we discovered a joint love of the Lego games, starting with Star Wars. We would play them together at every opportunity, eventually completing the first couple with 100% and eagerly discussing potential future franchises that might benefit from the Lego treatment.

Yet even then, the spectre of FM remained. I would enjoy the game time but sometimes she would ask if I wanted to play and I would consent reluctantly, secretly pining to restart FM again, plotting how long I would indulge her on Lego before I could escape to my PC, resorting to staying up later, even getting up earlier before work to sneak in a few extra minutes.

Complete Control

It was the shared love of the Lego games that inspired me to buy a PS3. But not only did the old patterns continued, new ones started to emerge.

I would still buy game magazines, still get enthused about new games and still buy them. But now there was a new reason not to play.

I had become scared.

The games seemed too overwhelming. I bought Rome: Total War, a game with strong reviews but I barely touched it, the controls just seemed too complex, the tactical requirements beyond my grasp. It joined a list of strategy titles, earlier Star Wars and Star Trek games, that had long since gathered dust.

Steam made buying games even easier, bargains snapped up in crazy deals as I convinced myself that I couldn't afford to miss something like Bioshock at £5. And whilst that may be true, it too sat unplayed, gathering digital dust, joining the likes of Half Life 2, Grid, Knights of the Old Republic and many more.

And so it continued on the PS3 with games like Far Cry 2 sat untounched as I instead returned repeatedly to Uncharted, a great game of course but one that I had completed.

The games had become too complex. They required too much time to master, they were beyond me, I became almost resentful of the demands they placed upon me and so I returned to the experiences I knew, inevitably slipping back into FM habits, the irony lost on me that this was the greatest demand on my time of all.

And yet when I did play these games, I was rewarded. GTA IV was always going to be something I enjoyed. But the noteable title was Metal gear Solid IV. I had owned Metal Gear Solid on PS1 and, whilst I enjoyed it, I never finished it. I even bought MGS2 on the basis that MGS1 was good and so I 'should' own it, but they both sat unplayed for years. Approaching MGS4, I immediately felt out of my depth. I could not grasp the weapon modification system, stealth was too tactical for me, the story too complex. And so I dumbed it down in my own mind, playing it as an action romp. But upon completion, there was a sense that I had demystified it. This was not some impenetrable beast, a treasure meant for the eyes of others but not me. It was a game, one that I could enjoy and finish.

Yet the pattern had been established and would take a long time to shift. In the end, my games purchases dried up, with the exception of Uncharted and FM. My back catalogue became just another stick to beat myself with, another item on the never ending 'to do' list of life that would never be achieved. I remained interested in the medium, regulalrly visiting gaming sites and occassionally buying magazines. But I had come to realise the folly of building a games collection that was never actually played.

Future Imperfect

It was therapy that helped me understand the underlying issues. The games I found too complex, the controls I found too overwhelming, the challenges I found too hard were manifestations of my crippling lack of self confidence, anxiety and negative thinking clouding my judgement and skewing my perspective, depression wrapping my enjoyment in a shroud of hopelessness.

And ironically, it was FM that would act as the catalyst for change, my gaming experience coming full circle.

I hadn't planned on buying FM14. My experiences of the last few years, combined with the lessons learned in therapy, led me to believe that it was best to walk away. But the temptation remained and so I decided that I would treat myself as a post-therapy reward.

Things would be different this time. I had learned my lessons. no more restarts, no more obsession. I loaded up, chose Liverpool, set up my squad and tactics, started the season and...turned it off.

Then I did it again. And again. Until I realised that as much as things had changed, they had also very much remained the same.

It was a community member on the SI forums who convinced me to try a new style of save, starting out in the lower reaches, not grasping for immediate glory but just having fun within the game.

With my rediscovered love of writing, I decided I would blog about it as a means of maintaing interest and keeping me honest, thinking that it would be far harder to give into the temptation to rage quit if it felt like others were watching.

Eight seasons later, I have finally played my last match in the greatest, most rewarding game of FM that I have ever experienced.

And so I set about tackling my back catalogue. I revisited Metal Gear Solid and completed it. I finished Resident Evil. I finished Infamous, Prince of Persia, Fallout 3, Gears of War 1 & 2. I even went back and finished Cannon Fodder 2, over 20 years since it first came out.

The mental health issues I experienced before had not gone away though. I came to resent choice in games. I always feared making the wrong one, preferring more scripted, directed games such as Uncharted or Gears over more freeform experiences like Warcraft where even the character selection screen would leave me stumped for hours on end, paralysed by the fear that I would make the 'wrong' choice.

But I recognised them for what they were. And by recognising I could consciously decide to change.

Old School

With the mental shackles of depression and anxiety removed, I feel free once again to enjoy my love of gaming. Modern games for sure; I look forward to tackling Batman: Arkham Asylum and Mass Effect amongst others at some point.

But hindsight gives me the benefit of being able to see just how long and just how deep my mental health shadow is cast and I am excited to revisit my youth with some retro gaming experiences via emulation. I am already half way through The Chaos Engine on the CD32, further than I ever got on release, and I have a broad checklist in mind of some classics that I intend to revisit, and new games that I look forward to trying. I even discovered a community of like minded gamers on Twitter, retro gaming enthusiasts, sharing their memories and gaming experiences with each other.

Retro gaming and videogaming are a medium like no other, Revisiting past games is like an interactive history lesson.

Time to go back to school.