1066 All Stars

Day 65 - 4th November

Food Log

Breakfast - (Tesco Value equivalent of) Shreddies with sultanas

Lunch - Ham salad roll

Dinner - Bolognaise with vegetables

Dessert - Yoghurt, 2x bicuits

In Between Meal Snacks

* Apple

* Chicken drumstick

* 2x rice cakes

* Go Ahead Fruit Bar pack (x3)

Thoughts & Feelings

* No lunchtime walk today as I had a dentist appointment and didn't get back until 2.30 (tooth hurty, two thir... oh forget it). A shame as it has been a pleasant day and having mainly recovered my cold induced sick fest of the day before, it would have been a nice walk.

* No big deal for one day but it does again raise the spectre of how to exercise over the colder winter months, or indeed just brutally wet weather. I have already decided to bring the Wii back into play, perhaps on a Sunday morning when the family is out. This enables me to utilise the jog program in Wii Fit. Whilst I am fully aware that it is just jogging on the spot, for which I don't need a computer, it provides some visual stimulus and routine.

* Other than that, there is an option to utilise the exercise bike where it will not endanger little hands and I will review this over the next couple of weeks.

* The most encouraging aspect of this is my desire to do something. Far from seeking to (pardon the pun) run away from exercise, I am actively seeking out alternatives for when my current regime becomes impractical. This plan has embedded itself in my mind and become a normal part of life. Even 3 months ago I would not have predicted that was likely.

* I gave in to a craving this evening and had a couple of biscuits. It is important to draw a balance. Yes, I will usually want to resist and turn down the calories. But sometimes it is right to give in so as not to build up a resentment. Too often and it becomes an indulgence, the key, as ever, is balance.

Day 64 - 3rd November

Food Log

Breakfast - (Tesco Value equivalent of) Shreddies with sultanas

Lunch - Ham salad roll

Dinner - Leftover roast chicken with vegetables and 4x onion rings

Dessert - Chocolate ice lolly

In Between Meal Snacks

* 2x rice cakes

* Go Ahead Fruit Bar pack (x3)

* Apple

* Chicken drumstick

* Cadburys Brunch bar

Thoughts & Feelings

 * It's no good, I just can't maintain my discipline without the daily log. It keeps me absolutely honest with myself, feeding (pardon the pun) just the right amount of guilt over an extra bite here or an extra portion there.

* That and I somehow conspired to have pizza twice in the last week.

* One part of this plan that my body seems to have neglected is the Healthy in Mental Healthy Eating. I am now on my second cold of the regime, which seems a trifle (mmm...) unfair. Is it related? Who knows. Maybe it is simply the fact that I have 3 mobile snot machines at home.

* Feeling a bit sorry for myself today but dragged myself out in the rain for a little walk, ironically getting absolutely soaked as I went to buy cold and flue remedy. On the way, I had considered buying sweets or a fizzy drink as a kind of compensation to myself for being ill. That was really the prompt to restart this daily log. I resisted, instead buying some more rice cakes which interestingly enough recommend 3 cakes per portion. I disagree.

* My snack desire continued when I got home. I was so hungry I felt nauseous. I reahed into the girls snack drawer for some sweets or a biscuit, only stopping myself at the last moment. In the end, I had th leftover chicken wings from the roast, then cooked dinner early, THEN added some onion rings.

* In the end, I went to bed at 8.45pm because I had a stinking great headache. I am writing this the next morning and, whilst not 100%, definitely feel better.

End of week 9 - 1st November

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 5lb

New weight - 11st 6lb

Comments

* Not a great surprise to have gone back up a pound. You can't stuff a great big pizza and expect there not to be some consequences.

* Also the last weigh in was only just into 5lbs and this one is only just into 6lbs so it really could have gone either way. Anyway, it's still a decent weight and perhaps the most important thing is that I am now entering my third month of the new regime with no plans to stop, once again offering reassurance that this is a sustainable life change, not a fad diet.

* Some slight changes to diet (notwithstanding the pizza) as I have allowed a small amount of carbs in the evening. My intention is to retain the carbs / no carbs split at lunch and dinner respectively but, depending on what I have had for lunch, I am happy to relax this from an absolute.

* Oh, and ill on a Saturday. What are the chances? Poor me

* I wrote a new blog this week, The Elephant In The Room. It explores the importance of change in recovering from mental illness, stressing the point that we must choose for ourselves to get better, that we are not an unalterable fixed state. It started out as a much harsher piece, critical of those who I perceive to play Mental Health Bingo, stacking up the symptoms without ever addressing the underlying behaviours. Ultimately I decided that each of us must walk our own path. I have had the benefit of therapy, it is not my place to criticise the choices of others, only to offer the benefit of my own experiences and let people choose for themselves.

* My new children's story is almost finished. I will send it to a couple of select parents to try out if they would like to, otherwise it will be printed exclusively in my next Amazon collection.

Knowledge of mental health has begun to become more widespread in our society. And yet there remains a stigma, a sense that mental illness is somehow not as serious as physical illness.

Why? There remains a shame to admit to mental health problems, that they represent a sign of weakness, that these are not 'real' health problems, instead perhaps just something in your mind that you need to shake off, get over, get on with it, grin and bear it, pull your socks up.

These views are of course nonsense. Mental illness is real. It blights lives, destroys relationships.

I have my own experience. After years of ignoring the signs, following the stigma, I inevitably crashed. The three months I spent in therapy at hospital for depression and anxiety were the most important months of my life. I learnt about my illness, learnt about myself. And it was there that I learnt the most fundamental lesson of all.

You can change.

It is a simple concept but a fundamental one.

You can change.

Whilst in the grip of mental illness, it can be tempting to label oneself, to apply a blanket judgement that says, 'This is what I am.'

But it is not who you are. You are not the illness. You are suffering from the symptoms of the illness. Negative automatic thoughts seek to reaffirm your deepest fears and insecurities. Reject them.

I am not depressed, I have suffered from depression. It is a subtle distinction but an important one. I am not a fixed, unalterable state. There is no pre-defined path set before me. I get to choose.

In the same way that I did not choose to be depressed, I cannot simply choose to not be depressed. But each day, I can choose to resist. The negative automatic thoughts tell me to turn left. I can choose to turn right.

It is not easy. Few things that are worthwhile in life ever are. But it can be done. I have seen it. I have done it. I am living it. One day at a time.

Mental illness is a disease. YOU are the cure.

Be kind to yourself. Give yourself time. And become the change you want to see.

You may never get to where you are trying to go. The point of life is to enjoy the journey.

Middle of week 9 - 29th October

Starting weight - 12 st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 6lb

New weight - 11st 5lb

Comments

* A cheeky midweek weigh in, against the rules I had imposed on myself. But therapy teaches us the importance of change, of doing things differently and so I have broken the rigidity of my own regime.

* Another pound off, reassurance that the plan is a long term solution given the week that came before. With a wedding over the weekend, meals were at the mercy of circumstance, including a trip to McDonalds. Even then I had the regime in mind, the trip to the Naughty Shop coming at lunchtime, dinner consisting mainly of vegetables. Then at lunchtime yesterday, i was conscious that I had cooked too much and, instead of just eating it all, I left some for the next day, lunch today now a much more reasonable size.

* By the way, nothing more irritating than writing out an entire blog, only to press the wrong key on the laptop and lose the whole thing.

* Don't forget to check out The Anxiety Diaries elsewhere on the site, charting how the mundane and ordinary events of life can lead to anxiety. Unlike my food blog, it is a single page entry that I will update periodically so don't forget to check it out here http://1066allstars.webs.com/apps/blog/show/42750131-the-anxiety-diaries#.VE_-V5VsALU.twitter

* Some exciting publishing still to come towards the end of the year. I have one more piece to write before my short story collection is ready. I am also working on a new children's story, The Friendly Lion, which will be published exclusively in my children's story collection. Finally, I am hoping to publish a couple of stories seperately which will include illustrations. I haven't made any money off of these publications and my reading circle is still very limited but it gives me a sense of satisfaction nonetheless that I have achieved something I set out to do.

End of week 8 - 25th October

Starting weight - 12 st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 6lb

New weight - 11st 6lb

Comments

* Bah!

* Actually if I look at the small print, I did lose some weight, just not enough to shift me down to the next pound.

* It had crossd my mind that I may be reaching the limit of weight loss with my currect exercise regime. A 40ish minute walk is good for general health but I am not upping my heart rate and really getting the lungs working in the say way as I do by, say, jogging. There are alternatives of course but each presents a problem of implementation trying to fit them in around my little monsters.

* It is disappointing to an extent not to have dropped any further weight. I have been declining biscuits and sweets etc and if no weight is coming off, it can be tempting to ask yourself what's the point. Of course the point is that I feel much better.

* And that seems like a good point at which to leave this blog again for now. Two months in and I have lost 12lbs, leaving me just 3lbs above my short term weight target and 6lbs away from my medium term target. The most pleasing thing is that I have proved to myself that I can do it. This isn't a faddy diet, I am eating all the same things I did before, just being sensible with portions, eliminating unnecessary snacking and playing with conventions of when we 'should' eat certain foods.

* And to all of you who have been reading along; to the special lady in Wales; to my regular visitor in Worcester park; to the guy who logs in at 3 in the morning... thank you. Your support has helped keep me motivated to carry on.

Day 54 - 24th October

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix Minis

Lunch - Turkey with pasta in onion and garlic tomato sauce

Dinner - Oven cooked chips with sausages, eggs and spaghetti.

Dessert - 4 jelly sweets

In Between Meal Snacks

* 2x rice cakes

* Go Ahead yoghurt bar (x2)

Thoughts & Feelings

* In yesterdays blog I wrote about the noticeable change in my emotional reactions and this morning provided two further examples. My compilation CD included two particular songs, one by Def Leppard and one by Eminem, both of which prompted within me a wave of nostalgia. In the case of Def Leppard, I was whisked back to my childhood in Hastings. As for Eminem, I was transported to my mid to late 20's, sharing a house or flat with friends and spending most of our time inebriated.

* At face value, these two periods in my life have nothing in common, the first capturing my school life and a time when my (original) family unit was complete, the second a time of independence and relative decadence.

* However, on closer examination there is a theme. In both instances, I am free of responsibility. Whilst at school, your parents take care of everything, my only worries being whether I will get to play football at lunch or be stuck inside listening to some oaf read out stories from the Sun. In the second, I am a single man with no financial responsibilities, no life pressures, no work stresses, my week framed around nights out and hangovers.

* I pine for these times. I miss them. But spending too much time ruminating on what we have lost can cause us to lose sight of what we have gained. My (new) family brings pressure, stress and responsibility. But it also brings joy, love and fulfilment. It is okay to dream and it is okay to reminisce. But don't forget to live.

* A dinner of necessity tonight.

* DISASTER! Forgot my apple again.

* In The Anxiety Diaries, I wrote about some early morning anxiety. Predictably, by the time I got to work it had passed. In fact work was fairly relaxed all day. My mood was good and my energy levels were good.

Day 53 - 23rd October

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix Minis

Lunch - Bacon and mushrooms with pasta in onion and garlic tomato sauce

Dinner - Turkey steak with veg

Dessert - 4x caramel something-or-other bites

In Between Meal Snacks

* Apple

* 2x rice cakes

* Go Ahead yoghurt bar (x2)

Thoughts & Feelings

* Listening to some music in the car this morning and it occurred to me how much more emotional I have become. The slightest thing, positive or negative, can set of a reaction. A stirring crescendo perhaps or an inspiring lyric, things that in the past would barely have registered with me now make a very clear impact.

* Why is this? It's not a bad thing per se, just intriguing. I no longer take anti-depressants, which likely has an impact. I suspect though that the most important factor is that I have changed. therapy made me look deep into my soul and I didn't always like what I found. I am far more in touch with my own feelings now and by association, the feelings of those around me.

* From the outside I doubt people would notice anything different. If I were to watch something on TV that moved me almost to tears (it has happened), I suppress it. As open and emotional as I can be in my writing, I remain rather more reserved in person.

* Feeling a little bit of a piggy after lunch. I cooked a touch too much pasta but ate it all anyway. This will be a test of the science in a couple of ways. 1) will it impact my weight; 2) will it impact my tiredness and mood?

* Despite everything, I still have those occasional moments, brought on by a sight or a sound, where I have cause to think about my old working life. It is romanticising of course, filtering out all the bad stuff and just retaining the good, principally the familiarity and status. I refuse to judge these moments. They create a feeling and it is right to sit with that feeling. Over time, they will no doubt pass.

Day 52 - 22nd October

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix Minis with sultanas

Lunch - Bacon and mushrooms with pasta in onion and garlic tomato sauce

Dinner - Pork chop with veg

Dessert - 2x caramel something-or-other bites, biscuit

In Between Meal Snacks

* Apple

* Crisps

* 2x rice cakes

* Go Ahead yoghurt bar (x2)

Thoughts & Feelings

* Wednesday = crisp day.

* DISASTER!!! My headphones have broken. Is £3 worth nothing anymore?

* Rather pathetically I actually considered not going for my walk as a result but luckily sanity prevailed.

* Mood is back to normal today. It was a strange blip yesterday that I still do not fully understand.

* I don't get that many cravings but hearing someone crack open a can of pop really makes me want a nice, cold Coke. Mmmm...

* It would be really nice if, one day, I checked my website and found that there had been hundreds of visitors. Or even dozens. Or, you know, a dozen. I do however remain very appreciative of those of you that take time out of your day to read my ramblings.

* BUY MY BOOKS.

* Please

* I have written a number of blogs on depression but they are pretty much all based on my recent experiences. There are periods in my earlier life, principally at University, that is ripe for exploring. These will be difficult blogs, both in terms of trying to remember the details but also in terms of reliving the experiences. I think they are important to write though. Who knows, maybe they can even help someone else experiencing something similar.

Day 51 - 21st October

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix Minis

Lunch - Bacon and mushrooms with pasta in chunky veg tomato sauce

Dinner - Chicken curry with vegetables

Dessert - Blueberry crumble and ice cream

In Between Meal Snacks

* Apple

* 2x rice cakes

* Go Ahead yoghurt bar (x2)

Thoughts & Feelings

* Tuesday, which means dinner at Granny's where she kindly accommodates my dietary amendments.

* My mood is low today. There is no specific cause I can identify, just an underlying current of sadness. Part of it is perhaps a fatigue of trying to mask my dissatisfaction with certain elements of my life. It was a conscious decision to so, an attempt to live a happiness I didn't feel with the hope that it would become a sustainable mood. Whilst this is just a dip, sustained low mood can very easily become depression. I must be wary not to dangle my toes too far into the well for fear that I may slip off the edge.

* It is midday as I write this part of the post and I find myself feeling full still. Previously, my stomach would rumble all morning, exacerbating my snack habit. A brisk lunchtime walk will likely give me an appetite but it is encouraging that the snacking desire appears to be being tackled both psychologically and physically.

* Post lunch and I find myself faced with an almost overwhelming tiredness. A consequence of the carb heavy lunch perhaps? No idea but there will be copious amounts of tea flowing this afternoon.