1066 All Stars

Middle of week 11 - 12th November

Starting weight - 12 st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 6lb

New weight - 11st 4lb

Comments

* Hmm. So iafter the increase on Saturday, it's back down to 11st 4lbs. I hope this is not a pattern or some quirk of when I weigh myself.

* This weight feels more realistic to me. The 2lbs increase on Saturday seemed out of place and not commensurate with the regime I had been following.

Day 72 - 11th November

Food Log

Breakfast - Some sort of honey grain boulders that the girls didn't like

Lunch - Rice and stir fry veg in chilli sauce

Dinner - Chicken curry with vegtables

Dessert - Yoghurt with chocolate balls

In Between Meal Snacks

* 2x rice cakes

* Handful of grapes

* 2x cocktail sausage

* 5x cherry tomatoes

* Banana

* 2x Go Ahead yoghurt breaks

Thoughts & Feelings

* My snack count has noticeably increased, however they are, with the exception of the sausages, all healthy. I have been very hungry at home in that horrible space between getting home from work and eating dinner, which causes resentment of the plan and makes me want to snack. So I thought I would try front loading the majority of my food, piling it in during the morning. We'll see how it goes, whether it affects my mood and alertness in the afternoon and, crucially, whether it has an adverse affect on my weight.

* One of the consequences of therapy, and coming off of anti-depressants, is that I am noticeably more emotional. Not in a weepy, box of tissues sense but I feel more emotional resonance and empathy with the world around me. This was apparent today as I read a story of a soldier serving on the front line during WW1. In the past this would barely have resonated with me. Now however I found myself connecting with the story, placing myself in his shoes, attempting to resonate with how it must have felt to be in the trenches, watching friends die, no end to the horror in sight. Perhaps this is just the wisdom and maturity that comes with age but I think not. I have changed, I believe for the better.

* I start these blogs during the day and finish off in the evening. Which is a bit of luck because I am absolutely exhausted by the time I get round to this, to the point that tonight, I didn't feel like writing anything. I force myself to do it and once I start, the words flow. I cede to the process, the catharsis of writing, the ebb and flow as the words form naturally, my mind and fingers seemingly operating in perfect synchronicity. Or to put it another way, I enjoy it.

* Balloongate - Grace carried her limp Noddy over to me this morning, pointing at his somewhat deflated stomach. I just want to fix it for her!

* I put my children's story collection together today. I had forgotten some of what I had written and it was nice to revisit them. I really think they are good stories but it seems a waste to publish them just as plain text. I have a friend looking to do some pictures for a couple of the stories which will really add value before self publishing. I would like to get all of the stories in front of a publisher to see if they would have any interest in illustrating and publishing professionally but I've no idea where to start.

Day 71 - 10th November

Food Log

Breakfast - Some sort of honey grain boulders that the girls didn't like

Lunch - Rice and stir fry veg in char sui sauce

Dinner - Home made chicken and vegetable soup, 1x slice white bread

Dessert - 1/4 chocolate cheesecake

In Between Meal Snacks

* 2x Crackerbread

* Handful of grapes

* 2x cocktail sausage

* 5x cherry tomatoes

Thoughts & Feelings

* After a difficult weekend, including balloon gate, high anxiety and a disappointing weigh in, I woke to a sense of disillusionment at my weight. I have lumps where I don't want them, a great big pair of moobs poking out. However, I am conscious that other people have very real body image issues. I wish to lose weight, it is not an unhealthy compulsion and I need to be careful not to talk myself into such. The most important thing to me is that, whatever the shape of the body housing it, my mind finds peace and stability.

* Very hungry today and the urge to snack is high. I really want a big back of crisps or a bag of sweets. I know that giving in to the occasional craving is a healthy part of obtaining balance but after the weight gain shown on Saturday, I am disinclined to acquiesce to this desire.

* I have new pain! My calves ache every time I walk, presumably brought about by the yoga yesterday. This is a good pain, I have evidently exercised in a way that I haven't done previously and shall therefore do so again.

* I have an immense amount of guilt about my role as a father. I read something earlier today that included, a comment that dad's create memories for their daughters, that they just want to be with us. When I spend time with my children, so often I just want them to leave me alone. Yesterday there was a very specific instance whereby the girls were using their Play-do and wanted me to help. Reluctantly I did but I just wanted to sit. I was too tired, it was too much effort. And this plays out every day so that I end up shouting at them constantly just for being children. What type of role model am I?

* The obvious solution to the above is to follow my mantra and change. But it is so, so hard. I wish others could walk in my shoes, share my mind for just a few hours to get an understanding of the amount of rubbish that swirls around, dragging me down, tiring me out. I end up procrastinating, falling into the mindfulness traps even though I can see them clearly. I know the solutions, I know the direction to go in. But walking the path is more difficult than it seems.

Day 70 - 9th November

Food Log

Breakfast - Some sort of honey grain boulders that the girls didn't like

Lunch - Roast chicken dinner

Dinner - Cheese salad roll, 2x cocktail sausages, side salad

Dessert - 1/4 chocolate cheesecake

In Between Meal Snacks

* 1x rice cakes

* 1x biscuit

* 1x cocktail sausage

Thoughts & Feelings

* I made a late decision to switch the roast to lunchtime with the dual purpose of 1) opening up the afternoon and early evening for other tasks and 2) having carbs early. It worked for the first, allowing us to get out as a family, albeit just to Tesco as well as taking the pressure off dinner time. The second point was less successful as I ended up eating a roll. As much as I want to control evening carbs, I am also conscious of wasting food (and therefore money) unnecessarily. The roll needed using, I took the pragmatic approach.

* Dinner is already prepared, a home made chicken and vegetable soup. A cheap, healthy, low carb meal.

* It has been a difficult weekend mood wise and I wasn't sure I could be bothered with exercise but I stuck to the commitment I had made to myself to use the Wii. I did about 23 minutes exercise, including a little run which puffed me out far more than I would like. I was interested to note during a yoga pose that my mind acknowledged that, with no net curtains, anyone could look in the window and see me gurning like a loon. But I didn't care. I was bettering myself. If that gives someone cause to laugh then perhaps it is not me that has the problem.

* I set about righting a wrong today. Some time ago I cracked through my Facebook friends list and trimmed off half of them based on a combination of reasons. The principle, underlying cause though was that I was in a bad mood and I made a decision that I almost immediately regretted. If it had been Twitter, where you can follow or unfollow at will, I would have reversed the decision. But I was stuck with it. Historically, I have usually not gone about adding people on Facebook, rather waiting for someone to add me. It is I believe a control thing. If I ask, they may say no. If I am asked, I have the power to decide. Therapy reminds me of the importance of change. If you keep doing the same things you will keep getting the same result. So I did things differently and sent close to a dozen friend requests. 

* It is little instances like this that reinforce the potency of the lessons I learned in therapy. It is a daily battle against anxiety and depression but it is one I can win, with patience and understanding.

* Balloongate (see The Anxiety Diaries) - I almost dreaded coming downstairs this morning. I had thoughts of coming face to face with a deflated Noddy, hanging limply over the arm of a chair whilst the other Noddy stood proudly above him, sniffing the ceiling, leaving me to deal with one distruaght child and one happy child. In reality, the balloon is no more deflated than yesterday. It still causes my anxiety just to look at the thing and I want to inflate it back up to its full glory. It is a petty anxiety in many ways but illustrative of the issues my mind tries to deal with. Mindfulness would remind me not to judge, therapy would remind me that I can change. I am trying.

Day 69 - 8th November

Food Log

Breakfast - Some sort of honey grain boulders that the girls didn't like

Lunch - Salad roll

Dinner - Turkey and veg stir fry with sweet chilli sauce

Dessert - 1.5x jellybean cookie, 3x biscuits

In Between Meal Snacks

* 3x rice cakes

* Go Ahead Fruit Bar pack (x3)

* 1x biscuit

Thoughts & Feelings

* A day of anxiety, resentment and frustration. For a detailed breakdown (so to speak), pop over to The Anxiety Diaries.

* Some real, serious snack urges today. I just wanted a great big juicy burger to eat. And some chips. And maybe some crisps. And a coke.

* I didn't. That's got to be worth something, right?

* Some kind people have noted that a weekly treat or snack in moderation is okay. I agree and I understand. But I just wanted to eat a bucketload of filth. This is undoubtedly mood, rather than diet related. There is an undercurrent of anger, resentment, sadness, frustration, disappointment and probably some more, just bubbling away under the surface. If I let it, it will eat away at me. I relented by having the extra biscuits. As I write this (10pm) I remain hungry, which I think is a good thing. There will be no more to eat tonight.

End of week 10 - 8th November

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 4lb

New weight - 11st 6lb

Comments

* Well, what a crushing disappointment. I had been looking forward to this weigh in. Based on the midweek result and some decent exercise, I had high hopes of getting down to 11st 3lbs. So to find myself back up to 11st 6lbs is both surprising and deflating.

* Some balance is perhaps required to manage the emotions. My diet has been a little inconsistent this week but not a disaster. Same for the exercise. But the key thing is that I feel as though I have lost weight. My stomach feels flatter, my trousers are looser. It is important I think not to get too hung up on a number. There has to be a measurement of course but the most important thing is how I feel.

* Speaking of which...Saturday today, which always seems to bring heightened emotion. The end of the working weeks really gets to me. I am worn out, frustrated and find my irritability levels are extremely high. What should be a fun day with the kids becomes an exercise in frustration and tolerance.

* The parenting routine is difficult. I am up at 6.30am and make Aiden's milk and the girls breakfast before getting ready for work. The working day merits a blog of its own and I arrive home somewhere around 5.45pm, at which point I am assailed by wailing banshees. I then sometimes have to cook their dinner, then maybe make Aiden's milk, then give everyone a bath, then get everyone to bed, then cook my own dinner, then get bottles and dishes washed for the next day, then get Aiden's milk and hot water prepared for the next morning. In between all that, I try to balance what I want to do against what I feel obligated to do.

* Perhaps inevitably, this builds up a resentment. There are times when I don't want this responsibility. I remember a time when life wasn't so serious, when I would be out until 3am and would roll into work still hungover, battling to stay awake until the end of the day so that I could go out and do it all again. Now, I struggle to stay awake because of the kids or something I am anxious about. I can't even countenance being hungover.

* This is a mental health trap that I keep falling into, my mind drifting to the past and glorifying it, rather than managing the present and building a new future. But it is hard. As blessed as I undoubtedly am in so many ways, there are aspects of my life that I simply don't like and I don't know how to change them.

* Oh, and to anyone reading the above and wondering, 'Well what does Karen do?' I would simply ask you this question; have you had twins? Do you have any idea what it is like trying to bring up multiples and a baby at the same time? They are constantly demanding, constantly require interaction. Opportunities for tidying or house management are limited at best, non existent at worst. It is hard, hard work and completely different from raising siblings of different ages.

* So where do I go next? Well in a dietary sense, nothing changes. I am committed to the path and believe I am heading in the right direction to get to the desired weight. I need to manage the urges to snack whilst being careful not to judge myself needlessly or unfairly.

* And everything else? I plan on releasing two further books by the end of the year. I am particulary looking forward to releasing my children's stories and hope that I can interest locals schools or nurseries to try them out. And everything else? I don't know.

Day 68 - 7th November

Food Log

Breakfast - Some sort of honey grain boulders that the girls didn't like

Lunch - Rice with chopped tomatoes, peas and sweetcorn

Dinner - Ham and cheese salad

Dessert - 2x biscuits and tea, 1 fairy cake

In Between Meal Snacks

* Apple

* Banana

* 3x rice cakes

* Go Ahead Fruit Bar pack (x3)

* 2x chocolate bites

Thoughts & Feelings

* It was interesting to note that my low mood of yesterday cleared on getting home. Now, that might sound like an entirely normal occurrence to some but not to me. Home brings its own stress and so it was a nice surprise to find that I would rather have been surrounded by the chaos of my family than the regimented formality of work.

* My thoughts have drifted to my dad the last couple of days. Sometimes a line from a song or an image may provoke a memory which can, for a fleeting second, feel overwhelming. More commonly, I find that Aiden acts as a constant reminder. After 4 granddaughters, Aiden is the first (and so far only) grandson and yet he never got to meet him. When we talk of Grandad, there is no qualifier, there is only Karen's dad. Over time the girls will forget him, that is only natural. But they had time with him, created memories. Aiden will never know his grandad, the type of man he was. It is a gap that can never be filled.

Day 67 - 6th November

Food Log

Breakfast - Some sort of honey grain boulders that the girls didn't like

Lunch - Ham salad roll

Dinner - Italian chicken with sweetcorn, brocolli, cauliflower, peas and pasta

Dessert - 2x biscuits and tea

In Between Meal Snacks

* Apple

* 3x rice cakes

* Go Ahead Fruit Bar pack (x3)

Thoughts & Feelings

* Tired today and this has seeped into low mood. There is nothing definable behind it, just a background feeling of sadness. But that is okay. Sadness is one of the core emotions, it is natural to feel it. It should not be suppressed or rejected. Mindfulness teaches us to acknowledge and observe, not judge. Only if it persists and becomes a sustained low mood will I have concerns, at which point it becomes important to understand it.

* The low mood always seems to want to be satiated with extra food. Apart from the additional rice cake, I have resisted, each time I do so representing a victory to me.

* It has become natural to go to bed feeling hungry. I think this is a good thing to an extent however I am conscious not to allow this to become an unhealthy obsession. My weight loss plan is based on a sustainable, balanced diet and exercise regime, it is not about starving myself. I will need to realistically observe if I am burning additional calories through exercise and increased metabolism, thus requiring additional intake.

Day 66 - 5th November

Food Log

Breakfast - (Tesco Value equivalent of) Shreddies with sultanas

Lunch - Ham salad roll

Dinner - Hot and spicy chicken breast with peas, carrots, sweetcorn, chips and onion rings

Dessert - Chocolate ice cream lolly

In Between Meal Snacks

* Apple

* Crisps (it's Wednesday!)

* 2x rice cakes

* Go Ahead Fruit Bar pack (x3)

Thoughts & Feelings

* A good walk today. I felt invigorated by a combination of the satisfying weigh in this morning and my cold starting to take its leave.

* I recently read an article on Football365 by John Nicholson (an excellent writer, highly recommended) where he spoke of a waning enthusiasm for football caused by over saturation and a desire to separate from the mob / hooligan mentality that may be associated with 'terrace' chanting. It struck a number of chords with me. I have noticed my interest in football declining considerably, to the point that, rather than watch Liverpool against Real Madrid last night (arguably our biggest game of the season), I went in the bath. I had been inclined to wonder if this was depression, sapping my interest on something that I love(d). But I think it is more fundamental. I am a parent, I have other things that need to be done. My free time is precious. I still follow football, still enjoy reading about it and talking about it. But I just don't always have time to watch it anymore.

* This realisation does occasionally lead to a form of anxiety. My thoughts cycle quickly through - I no longer watch football; I have lost interest in Liverpool; any money spent on them ever is a complete waste; my boy won't grow up around football like I always planned...

* Declines - a great big, tasty looking, chocolate filled donut, leftovers (2x slices of pizza, 2x slices of garlic bread).

* A dinner of necessity, brought on by screaming children. Disappointing to end the day with a festering muck fest but it is what it is.

Middle of week 10 - 5th November

Starting weight - 12 st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 6lb

New weight - 11st 4lb

Comments

* Um, okay. I slipped in a midweek weigh in principally to see what damage had been done by a relatively poor diet week, some missed exercise and a cold. And I lost 2 pounds!

* Now I'm no scientist but I wonder if this is my previous good work bearing fruit (ooh, how healthy). It is almost as though my metabolism has been sped up, my body clock altered by healthier eating and exercise patterns, a body memory if you like. Who knows.

* I am now just 1 pound above my pre-Christmas target weight. I am tempted to alter my targets but I don't want to place undue pressure on myself. If it was summer, and I  knew that the weather would hold for sustained periods of exercise, I would be more aggressive with it but I want to build in a buffer zone. I hope to get down to 11 stone but will be satisfied with anything from 11st 3lbs downwards.

* I finished a new children's story this week, The Friendly Lion. First read with the girls seemed to be well received and I have had some lovely feedback from another parent. I will not be publishing it on the site as it will be exclusive to my next book but if anyone reading would like a copy, please contact me and I'll send it directly. I would love to hear feedback from parents.