1066 All Stars

What follows is the basic plot outline for a book I have been trying to write for about 10 years.

I have now decided that it would fit better into series of short stories, which I intend to publish here.

I hope you like the premise. Keep you eyes peeled for the first instalment, coming soon exclusively to 1066 All Stars!

Doug is one of life’s great underachievers. He works in a run of the mill job, doing something he hates but is too lazy to find anything else. He has the mistaken belief that a sports agent may one day be lurking in his local pub, ready to sign him up after watching one of his dazzling displays on the pool table.

On the way home from the pub one evening, Doug is kidnapped and bundled into what appears to be a burger van. Actually, the burger van is a shuttle and Doug is taken aboard a space ship orbiting the earth.

Doug’s captor (his name is unpronounceable in English, Doug simply calls him Bob) explains why he has taken him aboard. It transpires that there has been a rather embarrassing blunder by the Galactic Council, as a result of which an evil, murderous overlord has been set free and taken up residence on Earth. In a further unbelievable instance of bureaucratic incompetence, the Evil Overlord has been given the means by which to overthrow the Galactic Council and rule the galaxy. All he needs to do is ensure the ratio of souls going to hell, rather than heaven, reaches at least 51%.

So, where does Doug come in? It turns out that by a freak occurrence of interstellar mathematics, together with the appearance of Hayley’s Comet passing the Earth at just the right moment, Doug is the long-long-long-long (etc) lost great-grandson-once removed-on his mothersnextdoorneighboursside- descendant of the great Dedalus The Great, the renowned saviour of the Galaxy and the man responsible for establishing the Galactic Council as it stands today. He is also the burk who allowed the Evil Overlord to go free.

Through a combination of drunkenness, rank stupidity and the inference of unlimited female admirers, Doug agrees to save the Earth.

In order to do so, he first has to round up his best friends, Jim and Steve. Sadly for the human race, ‘best’ in this context does not refer to capability, more familiarity. And so this band of incompetents set forth to do battle with the Evil Overlord the Dastardly and save the Galaxy!

The story will be split into three broad sections.

The first section covers Doug’s recruitment by Bob and his initial assault on the Evil Overlord's hideout in the bowels of the Earth (reached via a secret tunnel in Croydon). As a result of Doug’s mishandling of this assault, the Evil Overlord is freed from Hell and rises to the surface, turning the planet into a fiery wasteland. Doug and his companions are banished into deep space.

The second section details Doug’s attempts to rectify his mistake. After meeting up with Bob, Doug discovers that the laws of the Galactic Council allow the President to be overthrown if a challenger can obtain the support of at least twelve of the twenty member worlds. As things stand, all the member planets are either too scared or too stupid to challenge the Evil Overlord so Doug must visit each planet in turn to bring them to his cause. During his journey, he will encounter; Geoff, the talking monkey!; The Planet of the Big ‘Eds, a race of artificially created life forms whose heads are so large that they have to be supported by their hands at all times!; the deadly Killer Space Mops, here to wipe the galaxy clean!; and many more!

In the final part, Doug returns to the Earth to confront the Evil Overlord once and for all. The climax will see a shocking, never-before-seen-wellmaybeinstarwars-reveal of the secret relationship between Doug, the Evil Overlord and Dedalus, the fall of the Galactic Council and the Earth is retaken. But by whom?

If depression is spiralling down into a deep well, anxiety is spiralling up and out of the stratosphere.

Technically, depression is ruminating on the past whilst anxiety is worrying about the future. They are two sides of the same coin, each as destructive as the other. We all carry a certain amount of anxiety naturally of course, and that is perfectly healthy. It becomes a problem when anxiety becomes an unhealthy obsession.

My anxiety became almost crippling, although I'm sure to outsiders it appeared that nothing was wrong. I was convinced that disaster was just around the corner. I therefore had to stay ahead of the game by working harder and longer. I spent more and more time at work and when I wasn't at work, I would be thinking about work. I could foresee the worst case scenario for any event, to the point that you ask yourself, why bother? I ended up procrastinating endlessly; that is blithering on and on about what I should do, what I was going to do, what everyone else should do, anything to avoid actually having to do it. I felt that I had to be on constant vigilence; if I stopped thinking about whatever issue I was obsessing over, disaster would strike..

Even the simplest decisions became torture. Whatever I chose for takeaway would be wrong; the player I signed on Football Manager was a mistake; the e-mail I sent was too harsh. I saw myself as a glass of water; the water represented my stress levels, the glass my ability to cope. The glass was full to the brim, any additional stress would see me spilling over the edge. I took it out on the easiest targets; family. Or I avoided people all together.

It was like walking a tightrope, just waiting to fall off. I wanted to be hospitalised with an infectious disease or some non fatal injury, anything that would mean that I could step off of the merry-go-round of life, just for a while.

The Priory helped, and the lessons learnt are as simple as they are effective. I came to realise that I judged myself against unrelenting standards, demanding perfection of myself. I inherently believed I was a failure that had to push harder than everyone else to keep up and not be caught out. I realised that I had no control of my emotions. I did not allow myself to express anger or feel sadness, be happy or admit to being fearful. I could not assert my own needs, believing that the needs of others must always come first, to consider anything else was selfish. I now understand that being assertive is a skill to be learned and that expressing ones needs is not selfish, it is self interest, so long as you do not subjugate others in doing so.

As with my battle with depression, I am conscious that anxiety may come back to have another go. But I know that I have the weapons to fend it off, to recognise it for what it is. Anxiety is worry of the future, depression regret of the past. I therefore choose to live in the present.

I entered the Priory struggling with two main issues, both closely related; depression and anxiety.

I suspect that many people do not understand depression and those that experience it. We have all said how depressed we were by an event but what we really mean of course is that we were sad. Being depressed is not like being sad. Sadness is a normal, healthy emotion that helps us to grieve. Depression is an ongoing, impenetrable gloom from which there seems no escape.

I came to think of it in terms of a deep well. I fell into it gradually, spiralling down and down until I eventually hit the bottom. At the bottom, there is no light and no hope of escape. There is no joy, no optimism. You cannot climb out of the well, the sides are too slippery and there is no one to drop a rope down to lift you out.

When I was depressed, everything was too much effort. I felt physically exhausted, I just wanted to sit on the sofa and not move. I would quite happily not speak to anyone for hours at a time. There didn't seem to be a point to anything. Why enjoy the weekend, it will only finish and I'll have to go back to work. Why bother to go to that party; they don't really want me there and nobody will notice that I didn't go anyway.

Of course it becomes a self fulfilling prophesy. If you say no to an invitation enough times, people stop inviting you, which just fuels your belief that they didn't want you to come in the first place.

For me it manifested at work mainly. I felt stuck in my role. I felt incapable of doing anything else so I was trapped where I was. By the same token, I never felt I was good enough. Someone was bound to find out what a fraud I am so I had to work harder and longer to stay on top. Needless to say, this trickled over to my home life. I couldn't relax at home because I was obsessing over some trivial detail or going over (and over) some conversation or e-mail from work. I din't want to be around anyone, even my own family. And the greatest contradiction of all; at its worst, I didn't want it to get better. It was easier being depressed, getting better meant that I had to face up to life and responsibility.

It took a long time at the Priory to get to the bottom of these issues. I spent the first few weeks questioning if I was truly depressed or just lazy. I understand now that this was the illness speaking (and yes, I am now able to acknowledge it as an illness). My depression was stress induced, rather then loss induced but no less real for all that.

So in reference to my well analogy, I needed someone to help me out. Therapy (and therapists), the support of other sufferers, as well as the support of friends and family, helped me out by lowering the metaphorical rope, allowing me to slowly pull my way out.

Depression is not an illness that you conquer with no chance of relapse but it is preventable, by recognising the signs and implementing behavioural and thinking strategies. The key thing for me is that I wanted to get better and now, having climbed out of the well, I want to stay better.

One hot summer evening, three travellers were walking through the woods when all of a sudden, three hooded figures appeared in front of them.

'Who goes there?' shouted the first of the travellers.

'We are the masters of time,' said one of the hooded figures. We can grant each of you the power of time in your own lives, that of the past, the present or the future. Come forth and make your choice.'

The boldest of the travellers stepped forward and commanded 'make me the master of the past so that I may erase my mistakes.' The Master of the Past stepped forward and in a flash, disappeared with the bold traveller. They emerged in a grotty hovel, where dirt covered the walls and the sparse furniture was ripped and torn. The traveller asked, 'what is this place? Where are my wife and children?' The Master of the Past replied 'you erased every action you considered a mistake. As a result, you did not meet your wife and you sired no children. You became a hermit from society, never bold enough to take a risk for fear that you may fail.' Dismayed, the traveller asked to return to the present.

Meanwhile the second traveller stepped forward, the most impestuous of the three, and demanded to master the future so that he may forever control his destiny. The Master of the Future nodded and whisked the impestuous traveller away. Together they saw the traveller's future. He had a modest house and a fine wife. 'But this is ordinary,' moaned the traveller. With the power of the future, I wish to live in luxury.'

And so, the Master of the Future revealed an alternative future, where the traveller had all the riches of the world. 'This is more like it, said the traveller', however the words had barely left his lips before his vision blurred and another future presented itself, then another, then another. 'Stop', he wailed. This is not what I wanted. How can a man choose his fate with so many options to weigh. Take me back to the present.'

Finally, only the third traveller remained. The Master of the Present stepped forward. 'And what is your desire, Traveller? Do you wish for the power to change your past or to see your future?' The thoughtful traveller shook his head. 'Neither,' he said. 'I wish to remain in the present. The past is not an enemy to be slain; it is a friend, who has come with us on the journey, reminding us of who we are and how we have lived.

Without my past, I have no present. As for the future; no man may say what the future holds. I may only control the present; through living in the present my future will unfold accordingly.

And with that, the Masters of Time vanished and the three travellers continued on their journey.