1066 All Stars

Dear work,

I can’t come in today because I have depression. I feel worthless, stupid and barely able to concentrate. I am tired (oh, so tired) and all I want to do is lie in my bed until the world stops.

I also have anxiety. Which means as much as I want to sleep, I can’t because there are too many things I am worried about. If I stop, something terrible is bound to happen, everyone will realise what a fraud I am. It is all so much and I feel like I can’t cope.

Of course you probably don’t know any of this because every day I slip on a mask to hide my true state. Despite my mind feeling as though it is stuck in heavy fog, and despite my insides feeling like they are going to shake out my organs, I maintain the pretence of being competent to make others feel more comfortable. It is very tiring pretending to be someone else all day.

Of course we would never actually write a letter like this. I wonder why not?

The trouble with mental health problems is that it sometimes feels as though you don’t have permission to be ill. Despite any declarations of empathy from those around, there is a sense that they don’t truly understand. ‘You have depression? And anxiety? Wow, must be awful. Now, about these important documents…’

The truth of the matter is that life goes on and if you don’t want to be left behind, you feel obliged to go along with it. And so you put aside your fears, your insecurities and your crushing self-doubt, tuck it away in a box and only peek at it when you think no one is looking.

I chose to be open about my illness, both as a means of confronting and understanding my own issues as well as hopefully helping others going through something similar to find some reassurance that they are not alone. Yet there remains a nagging doubt in my mind, a sense that if I raise the spectre of depression or anxiety, the response would be, ‘Still? Aren’t you better yet?’

But then who am I actually looking for ‘permission’ from? Friends? Family? Colleagues? Perhaps. But maybe the person who I really need permission from the most is me.

I’ll never be ‘better’ of course. Some days I feel on top of the world. Other days I feel crushed of all fight. But I keep going. In part because I have to but mostly because I want to. And that wasn’t always the case.

We can never truly know what another person is going through. Not all wounds are visible. Sometimes the most painful injuries are the ones we cannot see.

It's been just about a month since I finished the FIT1, which seems an appropriate time to check in on how things stand.

As a reminder, at the end of the FIT1, I weighed in at 10st 4lbs, which brought me 2lbs under my long term weight target.

I had not quite managed to get the clarity of mind and mental energy levels I was seeking but was conscious that this may be a consequence of the anti-depressants I was also taking.

My skin meanwhile remained troublesome with no sign of clearing up.

So, how do things look now?

Body

Not only have I maintained my weight at 10st 4lbs, I have dipped down to 10st 3lbs. My weight fluctuates between these two values but I have yet to go higher.

Weight aside, I can still see the benefit of toning and weight loss. Whilst I have eased off somewhat, I have broadly attempted to maintain the FIT1 schedule, at least in spirit, so that I continue a 5 days on, 2 days off approach to exercise whilst alternating cardio and resistance work. Without the structure of the FIT1, I am free to pick and choose the exercises I want and so I make my own routines with a combination of squats, crunches, push ups etc.

There are occasions when I wonder if I am pushing too hard, in which case I ease off, perhaps give myself an extra days rest. I do not feel an obligation to follow a fixed, rigid plan, rather I am happy to have adopted the principles of the FIT1 and embedded them into my daily routine. It was easier than I ever thought possible.

It means making some sacrifices of course. Life is full of choices. How often do we exclaim that we don’t have time for something, only to spend that very time doing something else instead? That game I want to play, that book I want to read, that programme I want to watch; each must be slotted in around my exercise regime.

Of course exercise is always good for you but perhaps the most important aspect is diet. Again, I have relaxed my dietary rules whilst still trying to stay broadly in line with FIT1 principles. What this means is that I allow myself treats (a McDonald's, a big bag of crisps, a fizzy drink) but I ensure that they are ‘paid’ for. What I mean by that is that I plan and count my calories. Want a dirty great, 1,000 calorie pizza for dinner? No problem, just save some calories from somewhere else in the day. I view my calorie count like a bank account; it’s fine to go overdrawn every so often but I try to live within my means. I still get some occasional food guilt, half expecting the scales to show an 8lb gain every time I so much as look at a packet of crisps but I'm slowly learning to let go of this irrational thought process.

The shakes remain an important part of my diet, either for breakfast or, more usually, for lunch. I don’t use them every day to try and avoid boredom through over familiarity but they are enjoyable, convenient, filling and tasty and so I see no reason to exclude them just because the plan is over.

Mind

I have continued to struggle with tiredness and I need to understand the weighting of factors that sit behind this. I am perhaps over exercising, perhaps under stimulated and perhaps affected by anxiety and depression. There may also be underlying issues, which I will explore with a doctor.

During the period I have tried using the Therm tablets and bee pollen, settling on the latter for now. Towards the end of the month, I feel noticeably more refreshed but this is something I will continue to monitor.

I have also been taking the Royal Jelly tablets to address anxiety. I remain far from cured but I am aware of a general balancing of my mood recently and so will continue with a combination of both these Forever tablets and my prescribed medication.

Skin

No major breakthroughs but no major flare ups either. I may simply just have that type of skin but I am persevering with the Aloe Gel with a view to improving myself from the inside out.

Thoughts

I have been absolutely thrilled with my C9 and FIT11 journeys. 14lbs lost in 3 months and looking and feeling better than I can ever remember is more than I could have hoped for.

Healthy living is not a burden. It is a lifestyle choice that takes commitment and self-discipline. I choose to eat the salad rather than the chips. I choose the protein bar rather than the curry. And I choose the exercise mat rather than the pub. I am healthy and I am happy.

Find out more about the C9, FIT1 and the full range of Forever supplements and products by searching for Aloe Vera Dreams on Facebook or on Twitter, @Aloeveradreams

So that's it. After 30 days, my FIT1 journey reaches its end.

Did I lose weight? Did I achieve my goals? Am I a new man? Let's find out.

Goals

It's worth a quick reminder of what I was hoping to achieve. Broadly my goals fell into 3 areas;

Weight - a long term weight target had always been 10st 6lbs. Beyond that, I simply wanted to feel comfortable enough with my overall weight and appearance that the number on the scales would become an irrelevance.

Mind - a clearing of the mental fog and a clarity of thought.

Skin - clearing up unsightly blotches.

Challenges

The Clean 9 had its tough moments but it was only for 9 days. At 30 days, the FIT1 is a much longer commitment and it brought its challenges.

As early as day 2 I began to struggle. The exercise regime is tough going for someone who has previously been fairly inactive. Right from the off you are expected to complete reps of sit ups, press ups, squats and other resistance and cardio exercises. Early on, I woke up with aching limbs, wondering how on earth I was going to get through 30 days of it.

But this soon passed. My body became used to the new routine and the aches and pains subsided. Any other lingering doubts were a result of my underlying, deep rooted anxiety issues and I gradually learned to face them and move on.

A very real life anxiety intruded mid-plan too as I found myself faced with a difficult work situation. It caused me to wobble, for the first time not wanting to exercise as I found myself staring down the barrel of depression. Symptoms noted, I took assertive action to change course and came out the other side.

Other anxieties surfaced. Was I eating right, was I exercising properly, was I maximising my chances of positive results? Ultimately I had to reach a point of acceptance that good enough was, well, good enough. I couldn't do a full sit up or a round of press ups and so I did modified versions with sit ups becoming crunches, press ups completed from the knees.

Using a calorie counter became second nature, even the tiniest of snacks noted, realising that otherwise I would only be cheating myself. I still allowed treats, including dessert on most days, these slightly more indulgent foods balanced out elsewhere in the day. I also discovered and learnt to embrace that my calories do not follow a traditional distribution. My snack count would often be as high if not higher than one of my meals as I opted for the steady grazing approach. Again, this initially created doubts as I was concerned that I was doing it 'wrong' but I came to understand that it was right for me.

Wrapping things up on day 30 we had a family trip to Chessington. Faced with a park full of ice creams, fizzy drinks, sweets, crisps and take away, I somehow conspired to have one of my healthiest days. One day on, the fried chicken treat I promised myself as a completion reward remains unpurchased, a handful of jellybeans the extent of my post-plan indulgence.

Mirror, Mirror

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. So, how did I do?

And here I am again from the side.

Let's go back a bit further though and remind ourselves of how far I've come. Here I am in three key stages.

And again from the side.

Measurements

The changes are clear to see but let's take a look at the numbers.

Weight

Pre C9 - 11st 3lbs

Pre FIT1 - 10st 8lbs

Post FIT1 - 10st 4lbs

Waist

Pre C9 - 35.5

Pre FIT1 - 33.5

Post FIT1 - 32.5

Chest

Pre C9 - 39

Pre FIT1 - 38

Post FIT1 - 36.5

Results and Conclusions

Weight - 10st 6lbs has not only been achieved but exceeded. For the first time, I truly feel that the number on the scales doesn't matter. A bag of crisps is not going to suddenly pitch me back above 11st. Calorie counting does not have to mean denial. I can live a happy, healthy life with a well balanced regime of diet and exercise.

Conclusion - target met, exceeded and smashed

Mind - After the very noticeable boost during the C9, I wad disappointed to find that my mental state showed no discernible change. There is a significant caveat of course, in that pre-plan I opted to go back onto anti-depressants. It is difficult to know what impact these have had.

Conclusion - undetermined

Skin - no noticeable change, sadly

Conclusion - target not met

Bottom Line

Is the FIT1 worth doing? Absolutely.

I am thrilled with the results. When I look in the mirror, I have a real sense of pride in who looks back at me. I look good and I feel great.

But more than that, it is the impact on mentality. I want to eat healthily, I want to calorie count and I want to exercise. These is not a 30 day and out plan to me. This is the start of a change of lifestyle. I'll have a little break now but after that I look forward to getting back into and maintaining a regular exercise routine.

FIT1 takes commitment and dedication but the results are worth it.

Next Steps

A short break from the shakes (as tasty as they are, they have been a fixture in my meal plan since January) and a break from the exercise routine. After that, I will establish my own regime, using the FIT1 booklet as a basic template.

Longer term, my goals are not set. Weight wise I am happy and have no further specific target in mind. I am still hoping for some improvement to my skin and to that end will continue with the gel. 

Mainly though I am looking to carry on what I have started by toning and building muscle. To that end, I will be buying some weights and an exercise mat and at some point later in the year will embark on the FIT2 programme.

For now, time to relx with a cup of tea. I think I've earned it!

The start of week 3 and the end of the 30 days is in sight.

My weight has been fluctuating between 10st 4lbs and 10st 5lbs, either of which puts me below my long term weight target of 10st 6lbs.

More importantly though, for the first time I find myself not caring, in a good way. When I look in the mirror, I can clearly see results; my stomach is flatter, my moobs have gone, even my biceps are showing definition! Bottom line is that this is working and I am finally starting to embrace the sense that the number on the scales is irrelevant as long as I look and feel good. I am looking forward to posting my before and after pics in my wrap up blog.

The negativity of the first week is well and truly gone too. In hindsight, it was largely borne out of a lack of direction. I wasn't entirely sure what I was looking to achieve, having already lost significant weight. I also missed the rigidity of diet set out in the Clean 9, the FIT1 pack giving you a set of tablets, gels and shakes to take each day but otherwise leavng you to form your own dietary plan. I found this freedom touched on my anxiety, flaring a feeling that I was getting it wrong. Eventually I came to understand that there was no such thing, only what was right for me.

Calorie counting has been a very effective tool. It makes me think about what I'm eating and reveals where my calories are coming from. As above, I initially carried a sense of my diet being wrong but I have come to embrace the fact that, so long as my overall intake is within 'budget' and packed with goodness, it doesn't matter if they are weighted towards breakfast, lunch, dinner or snacks. And if there are the occasional days where I stray over then so be it. Balances is the most important thing, together with the sense that this will be sustainable.

But by far the biggest revelation to me has been the exercise. As a regular walker, I considered myself relatively fit but the resistance based workouts have been eye opening. Again, to start with this was off-putting. I struggled to complete the first couple of days and beat myself up over my inability to complete a full set of reps or a proper push up. But as with the diet, I have reached a sense of inner peace. I can only do what I am capable of within the moment. Despite my best efforts, I simply cannot complete a sit up and so rather than decry this fact, I switched them out for crunches. Push ups are equally hard and so I perform the modified version with knees down. I will work my way up to these exercises in time, another set of personal, achievable long term goals.

And that is perhaps my main take away at this point. FIT1 may only be for 30 days but the lessons and behaviours it is teaching me will go on long after. No doubt I'll have a short break once this finishes but after that, I look forward to continuing a modified exercise regime whilst calorie counting is now a fundamental part of my weight management.

Challenges

One of the most challenging aspects of the plan is that, as much as you want to focus on it, normal life goes on around you.

It can be difficult to plan your meals effectively when cooking for a household with different tastes but in particular, last week I found myself at the centre of an anxiety storm surrounding events at work. For the first time, I sought excuses not to exercise, barely scraping through my prescribed cardio.

But I addressed the underlying issue, worked through it and came out of the other side determined to continue the progress made. Rather than focus on the wobble, I take pride in being brave enough to ask for help and to admit that I was struggling.

And hey, the journey would get pretty boring if there weren't a few speed bumps along the way.

This week brought a test of my mental resolve and drew out into the open just how far I still have to go on the road to recovery.

For some time, I have been contemplating what the future might hold. I am quickly bored and become restless at work, feeling as if I have more to offer and that I am underselling myself. Juxtaposed with this is an underlying unease, a sense that my anxiety levels could not handle increased responsibility. It is a continual internal battle.

This week granted me an opportunity to do something new. I could throw off the shackles and delve into something different and challenging, test myself and prove myself.

Two days in and I asked to go back.

Immediately the thoughts came. I was weak. I was a failure. I was letting everyone down. I should be better than this. I used to be better than this. Why aren’t I better than this?

And yet at the same time came conflicting thoughts. I was not weak. In fact, I was brave for speaking out, brave to admit weakness and brave to ask for help.

Why did I find it so hard? It’s over two years since therapy, aren’t I all better now?

The truth is that I will never be better. Anxiety is a fundamental part of my character, symptoms that I have to manage every day. With time, I hope to be ready to step up and move on with an opportunity that is right for me.

But right now, my mental health is more important than my career. Duty does not override all, I need to be kind to myself.

There is plenty of time to learn how to run again. For now, I’ll just keep walking.

One week into the FIT1, time to take stock of how things have gone.

Weight and Measurements

Post C9 weight - 10st 12lbs

FIT1 starting weight – 10st 8lbs

Current weight – 10st 6lbs

Sadly I negelcted to measure at the start of the plan so for comparative purposes, my post-C9 figures are shown in brackets.

Waist –33.5 (35)

Chest - 38 (37.5)

Biceps - 11 (10)

Thighs -20 (20)

Calves –13 (13.5)

Interesting to see that although my waist has shrunk (hence the drop in trouser size) my chest appears to have slightly increased. This may be as simple as attempting to take the measurement myself, rather than asking the wife, or taking it in a slightly different place. Either way, I hope to see this reduce down over the next couple of weeks.

The bicep change reflects my observations whilst the calf measurement is no doubt a reflection of my regular lunchtime walks.

Thoughts

• After a bright start, I had a real wobble around days 2 and 3. My muscles were aching from the intensity of exercise and my mood was low as I questioned why I was doing this and whether I was doing it right.

• The big question is why? The muscle ache is obvious. Despite being a regular walker, I have never done calisthenics and resistance training. I also suspect that I failed to warm up and stretch properly, exacerbating the problem.

• But something important happened on day 3. Despite aching legs, I powered through the exercises in the evening and afterwards felt great! Despite waking up on day 4 with a migraine (a long term condition), I felt great and was actually disappointed that days 4 and 5 were rest days. I ended up really looking forward to my day 6 workout which was hard but rewarding.

• I can already see results. I have lost 2lbs on the scales and can definitely see some toning to my arms. Encouraging signs only one week in.

• As for low mood, this is very much related to my deep rooted mental health issues, driven by insecurity and anxiety and something that I continue to manage daily. So let’s park these thoughts here; I am doing this because I want to make sustainable, healthy changes to my lifestyle that help me to look and feel good. There is no ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ to the plan, simply finding your own way and being happy with it. So no more doubts and no more questions. And no regrets.

• The FIT1 and C9 programmes are about more than physical changes. An important aspect is changing the way we think about nutrition and diet. Calorie counting has now become an engrained part of my daily routine, not in a restrictive sense but in the sense of taking responsibility for, and control over, my diet. It takes more effort but by planning out my meals and shopping, I can prepare affordable, balanced but still tasty meals. It is an enjoyable challenge, the accountability helping me to make better choices.

With week one down, I find myself looking forward to week 2 and I am already certain that I will carry on some of the habits and exercise routines I have learnt well after the plan has finished.

Got a question or a comment? Interested in the Clean 9 or FIT1 but don’t know if it’s right for you or where to start? Feel free to leave a comment below.

Whilst I try not to regret too many things in life, it is inevitable that some will occasionally bubble to the surface.

One in particular keeps coming up for air, clinging to the back of another thought. I often find myself consciously pulling away from others.

This manifests itself where the group is enjoying shared humour. I very often find that, instead of joining in, I withdraw, which in turns serves to make me feel isolated. Socially, I devalue my contribution, telling myself that I would not be missed if I wasn't there, effectively declaring that my presence is of little consequence. Invitations are viewed as the fulfilling of a duty, rather than a desire to share my company.

The regret? I didn't used to be like this. In my 'former life' I was the gobby one, leading the banter, acting the clown. Now I feel reserved, bereft of the confidence I once had, founded by familiarity and (relative) seniority. Two and a bit years later, I still feel the outsider, a 'plus one' invited to someone else's party. By exception I allow my sillier side to emerge but more often than not I suppress it, which in turn fuels a bitterness and resentment. I think to myself, 'If only they could have seen the old me.'

The irony of course is that the 'old' me ended up in therapy. Generally speaking, I much prefer the 'new' me. Yes I am more serious but I am also more empathetic, more emotional and, I think, kinder. And yet I very often find that, when others share happiness, my own mood sinks. Not in a grumpy, miserable way. Instead an inherent sadness as I feel almost a literal weight in my stomach pulling me down. There is no threat of them but I don't know how else to describe the feeling other than tearful.

As with all things, there is likely a balance between old and new that I simply haven't found yet. But I'll keep looking.

Only a couple of days in and it's hard work so far.

The first day of exercies really clobbered me. Whether it was due to poor warming up and stretching or just lack of use, my leg muscles are really tight to the point that I'm seriously wondering how I'll be able to do this every day.

Elsewhere, I find my mind continually going back to wondering why I am doing this, questioning the value of it all. What is my end goal? That has today been joined by a new worry as I've started to wonder if I'm doing it right. I haven't used a single recipe from the book and today's breakfast was a giant bowl of something laced with sugar. I appreciate that this is not a cleanse per the C9 but I'm surely not supposed to eat rubbish? I'm not quite sure what I am and am not allowed to eat. I miss the strict, regimented plan of the C9.

There are other things going on. My mood and energy levels have remained low, a legacy of both underlying symptoms of depression and anxiety, not to mention the tablets I am taking to combat them. I have perhaps made this harder for myself than I needed to.

Still, the journey continues. These are bumps in the road and soon I'll see them in the rearview mirror and take pride in getting over them.

Weight and measurements

Ideally I would start with a set of measurements to baseline the plan but with three little maniacs running around the house, I ran out of time. Overnight changes are unlikely so I will measure up this evening.

A day one weigh in puts me at 10st 8lbs. That is 1lb over my recent best but 4lbs down on my post-C9 weight. A good starting point then.

Smile For The Camera

Here I am on day one;

A fine specimen to be sure. But let's remind ourselves where I started back in January, then after the C9, compared to today.

And here's another look;

There isn't much difference between my post C9 and current shape, despite the extra pounds lost but there is a clear change from where I started.

Exercise

For some time now I have been incorporating a lunchtime walk into my daily routine so exercise is not a foreign concept to me. However I very rarely engage in toning or stretching which are a fundamental part of the 30 day plan.

I won’t go into detail on the specifics as it changes each day but I found the day one exercise brutal! A combination including press ups, crunches, bicycle kicks and more worked on areas that my daily hike simply doesn’t touch. As the cliché goes, I have aches in places I never realised I had places. It's certainly a hell of an introduction to the plan.

And this was only from one set, you need to repeat them twice more! They should really be done together but I ran out of time so I had to try and squeeze another couple of sets in around dinner.

It feels good though. Changing your lifestyle is all about stepping out of your comfort zone and trying something different. You must become the change you want to see.

Food Diary

Breakfast – 120ml Aloe Gel, Therm tab, shake

Lunch – Salad with chicken breast and wholemeal roll

Dinner – Chicken breast with veg and pasta

Dessert – yogurt with blueberries

Snacks – 2x satsumas, 1x apple, grapes, Pro X2 bar

Thoughts

* Day one and not a million miles away from my pre-FIT1 routine. The main difference is the absence of processed snacks as I steer clear of snack-a-jacks or Go Ahead bars and instead rely on the ‘free food’ list from the Clean 9.

* The My Fitness Pal app is a handy little tool. Not only does it help you to track your calorie intake but it gives you an idea of calories used through exercise, giving you a clearer picture of your net calorie ‘spend’

* In my ruminations over weight targets and cost benefit, there is perhaps one thing I overlooked. My 10st 6lb target is arbitrary, plucked from my mind based on a vague idea of my ideal weight. Actually according to various online charts, my ideal weight is nearer 9st 6lbs. I am not targeting this by any means, indeed I’m not sure that weight would be appropriate for my frame. But it acts as reminder that, as long as it is done healthily and sustainably, there is no reason why my weight cannot reduce beyond my initial target.

* Still, the more important target is how I look and feel. Should I feel the benefit of toning or muscle building, this will likely cause my weight to increase, even as my waist slims. It is important then to keep everything in perspective.

* Some snack urges mid-morning and afternoon. I really wanted to reach for something unhealthy so it will be interesting to see if this desire fades.

Readers of my Clean 9 blog will be familiar with the basic contents of the FIT1 box but let's take quick look inside.

As before, Aloe Gel forms the basis of the plan. I'll be chugging 120ml of this bad boy each morning to help with digestion, nutrient absoption and lots of other good stuff besides. There are 4 bottles included to see you through the 30 days.

Next up are the shakes. I have stuck with the vanilla but a chocolate alternative is available. There are two packets included and these are intended as a breakfast replacement but can be swapped out for lunch or dinner, depending on how you want to organise your calories. Pre-FIT1 I have been using them as lunch, perfect after a vigorous walk.

Also making a return from the C9 are the fibre packets, one for each day. I made the mistake last time round of trying to concentrate the dose into as small a drink of possible, which just made them vile to consume. This time around I'll be sure to just add them to a full glass of water.

And the final returnee are the supplements, garcinia and therm. The garcinia tablets are intended to aid weight management suppress hunger whilst the therm tablets contain nutrients and a matabolism boost to help with energy and weight loss.

Snacking is permitted and to this end the FIT1 includes 10 Pro X2 bars (5x cinnamon, 5x chocolate). The bars are high in protein so perfect for the more physical demands of this plan versus the C9. Now I'm no maths genius but 10 bars into 30 days doesn't go so I'll either need to replenish my stock or seek alternatives on the other days.

And finally, you get a towel! For wiping your sweaty brow after all that exercise.

Actually that's not quite all as of course you also get an information booklet, which is actually an essential part of the package. This sets out your daily exercise routine from day one to thirty whilst also laying down the ground rules for your daily eating. Unlike the C9, you get to eat proper food throughout but the onus is on the individual to cook healthy meals that fit the calorie guidelines and some recipe ideas are included to help you on your way.

Why FIT1

As excited as I am to embark on a new healthy living programme, there is a nagging doubt lurking at the back of my mind. It started as a whisper that I tried to ignore but the voice eventually grew louder. And it always asks the same question.

Why am I doing this?

Not because I don’t think it works. Quite the opposite in fact. Since finishing the Clean 9 I have been using the shakes as a meal replacement, which has helped me slim down to my current weight. But that is kinda the problem. Given that I have already hit my weight target (or as near as to make no difference), what is left to achieve from the plan?

But I look at it like this. As someone who suffers from anxiety and depression and having had the opportunity to undergo treatment at The Priory, I understand the importance of therapy and guidance. The treatment I received for my mental health issues led me to implement fundamental changes in my life that, whilst not ever curing me of the illnesses, at least allowed me to manage the symptoms and address some of the root causes.

This is much how I see the Clean 9 and FIT programmes. Clean 9 was a reboot, a chance to stop and draw breath and take stock of the nutritional decisions I was making. Having done so and made changes, I set off into the big wide world ready to live my life. But like all the best treatments, the FIT1 acts like an aftercare programme, there to check in, guide me along the path, to steady my bicycle on the journey of life until I am ready for the stabilisers to be removed permanently.

And the thing is, I was going to do this anyway! I already have the shakes on a daily basis, I already take the morning gel, although not at the quantity set out here. And I had been giving strong consideration to buying the supplements, given the boost they seemed to give me during the Clean 9. All I have done effectively is buy in bulk. Plus by following a designated plan I have the benefit of a structure, rules to follow to keep me on track.

Yet there is a part of my mind desperate to find a con, to tell me I have wasted money. I search the internet looking for negativity, a part of my mind refusing to accept my own first hand positive experience. I recognise this as another anxiety, an unhealthy weighting afforded to cost vs benefit. I have disposable income, I can afford this! And you can’t put a price on happiness.

After all, it’s about more than weight. I want to feel good and as much weight as I have lost I still suffer with tiredness, pains and lapses in concentration. It is perhaps no coincidence that my chronic neck pain and reliance on pain killers, notably absent during the C9, has returned in full force since, not to mention my subsequent return to anti-depressants. Where I thought I was being healthy because I lost weight, I have perhaps over looked areas of nutrition or general well being that have contributed to a lowering of my mood. Following a plan with specific, essential ingredients provided should help to ensure I embed a balanced, sustainable way of healthy living, rather than one geared purely around weight loss. 

Next Steps

Right, this is it then. Tomorrow is the big day so I'll post a day one blog to run through the outline of a basic FIT1 day including meal plan, exercise and any challenges that might arise.

Thanks for reading along with me and please feel free to comment and share.