1066 All Stars

End of week 12 - 22nd November

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 2lb

New weight - 11st 2lb

Comments

* The second consecutive weigh in at this weight and the consistency leads me more to accept this as a 'true' weight.

* I am surprised in a way (in a weigh...or, forget it) because, whilst not a terrible week, I did indulge in a Chinese midweek. Proof perhaps that the odd treat is absolutely fine as part of a balanced diet and lifestyle.

* I often refer to a previous time when I lost weight, back in 2008 or thereabouts. At that point, I got down to 11st 3lbs and no further which lead me to think that this was about my natural weight. This time I am confident that there is more to lose. Without being unhealthily obsessive about it, I still have wobbly bits that don't need to be there. These can either be lost with a continuation of my plan, or perhaps firmed up, in which case the number on the scales becomes less important than what I see in the mirror.

* I had the opportunity to see my books in print last weekend and so flicked through the Flash Fiction collection and it occurred to me...this is shit! Okay, so probably some negative bias creeping in, mixed with the fact that I know these stories inside out. The trouble is that I have no independent  validation of them. Self publishing is great but as a consequence, my books have not been published because someone thought they were good enough to sell but simply because I could.

* I had a similar reaction reading through my short story collection, to the extent that I don't know if I'll bother publishing it. I am very proud of the children's stories, I genuinely think they are very good. And my blog writing is, I hope, engaging and easy to read. I guess I just need a little bit of love!

Middle of week 11 - 19th November

Starting weight - 12 st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 4lb

New weight - 11st 2lb

Comments

* If I am to not get too carried away by my weight fluctuating up a few pounds, so I should do the same when it goes down. Whilst the weigh in this morning is positive, I will need to see it repeated before I consider it a 'true' value.

* I can feel the difference. It is remarkable how quickly I have gone from barely being able to squeeze a leg into a pair of 34inch trousers to them actually feeling relatively loose. Indeed I finally felt comfortable buying a new pair of jeans yesterday, having held off until I could confidently buy the right waist size.

* I was interested to note yesterday that the absence of my daily food log makes snacking potentially far easier. Some mints were being passed round (not the worst of snacks I appreciate) and in my mind I told myself it was okay to take one as I wouldn't have to record it. This is an interesting development, almost as if my mind sees the food log as an authority figure and I can revert to a naughty school child when teacher is away, rather than buying into the plan wholeheartedly.

* I declined the mint by the way. Although I did eat a beetroot.

* I censored myself twice whilst writing this week, something I am not keen to do. In both instances, I was concerned that my words would be taken the wrong way and cause unnecessary discomfort. My blogs work best by being brutally honest but I think it is also important that they focus on me. It is not fair to extend them to encompass the thoughts and actions of others, at least not without their consent. In the end, the process writing the words just for myself was enough to explore the underlying issues and put them to bed.

* I did however write two new pieces this week. The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year is a blog on how mental illness impacts Christmas, whilst The Journey is a poem exploring my mental health journey. I don't write poetry often so it is a little amateurish but have a read and see what you think. Both are available elsewhere on the site.

Christmas.

What does it conjure up for you?

Presents? Family? Turkey?

How about just being happy?

For me, it conjures up very different thoughts and feelings.

Stress. Judgement. Façade.

The pattern over the last few years has been broadly the same. The inevitable conversation will start about what you want for Christmas and I will always say the same. There is nothing I particularly want, don't waste your money. This in turn leads to a charge of being a misery guts as those around me attempt to coax me into a jovial spirit.

For years I perpetuated this sham, forcing a visage of outward happiness whilst all the while inside experiencing a sense of isolation and misery that I did not understand. Why couldn't I just be happy?

Of course now I understand. I have been depressed.

It is now more than twelve months since I left therapy. With Christmas fast approaching, it seems a good barometer to measure my progress and see how far I have come. And so how do I feel about the big day this year?

Exactly the same as I did before.

Why? Has nothing changed? In fact plenty has changed but plenty still remains to be done.

I am reminded of something I was told at work once to explain the cycle of learning, which I will paraphrase. Broadly speaking, we go through four basic stages of development;

1) We know nothing (the 'Jon Snow' phase).

2) We know a little but we don't know what we don't know.

3) We know a lot and we now know what we don't know.

4) We've finally cracked it.

Phase one is perhaps our childhood. As children we have no concept of stress or worry, the biggest conundrum we face is which story we want read to us at bedtime.

Phase two is perhaps our teenage and young adult years. We become independent, striking out into the world, yet always holding on to the comfort of the Bank of Mum and Dad. We may pay rent but we have no concept of mortgages, bills, children, careers. Life is care free, time is for friends and fun.

Phase three is where I find myself now, the most difficult of all. I am in my mid(ish) thirties. I have experienced life, built up a bank of knowledge. I have lived and loved. I have lost. I have been humbled, humiliated, shamed. And I have been in therapy where the world finally began to make sense.

For it was at therapy that I learnt that what I was experiencing was not weakness but illness. I was not broken and I was not flawed. I needed help, support and understanding. I needed to be kind to myself, to give myself time to heal.

And I needed to change.

The last twelve months have been both the most difficult and the most liberating of my life. I returned to work. I lost my dad. I became a father again. I became a published author, in a manner of speaking.

And for the first time, I understood that this is a daily fight. I will never be 'cured', that was never the point. But I can stay well. I can be happy.

Life is a series of lessons. Learning leads to understanding. By understanding, we can begin to change.

I have learned to accept my illness. I learned to live with it. Now, I am trying to learn how to live without it.

So if I look 'miserable' or 'grumpy' or 'not in the Christmas spirit' this year, please remember that I am still learning.

Oh and phase four? I'll probably never get there, I just hope to enjoy the ride.

Day 77 - 16th November

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix minis

Lunch - Roast lamb dinner

Dinner - Ham salad

Dessert - Ice cream

In Between Meal Snacks

* Banana

* 2x rice cakes

* Chocolate chip cookie

* Can of coke

Thoughts & Feelings

* Our second day in Hastings and I again took a more relaxed approach to the regime. That being said, it remained on my mind and played a part in influencing the food decisions made. The only real misstep was the chocolate chip cookie at about 9.30pm on the basis that they 'needed using up'. It was unnecessary but not a disaster.

* For the first time, maintaining this blog has become somewhat of a chore and so this is once again a good point at which to stop. I will continue with the twice weekly weigh ins which gives me scope for blogging, something I have come to rely on as a source of exploring and understanding my thoughts and feelings, and sometimes just having a good rant.

* It makes me sad that I feel I have had to walk so much of my mental health journey alone.

* To those of you have supported, even from afar, I am happy to count you amongst my friends and I am happier still that that my experiences and (ongoing) recovery from mental illness allow me to express this to you.

No man is an island, or so they say

But the shore keeps moving further away

Where the sun once shone, there are now dark clouds

The fog has fallen, like a shroud

The ashes have spread across the sky

If I ever find God I'll ask him, why?

His work is mysterious, or so they say

Believe what you want, I'll believe what I may

It gets lonely here, on this barren grey rock

Even the voices in my head only seem to mock

I crawl into the dirt to hide my shame

No one understands, no one knows the pain

Yet there are others here on this foreign land

To share their burden, to understand

And now flowers grow, two big one small

And a rose grows too, fairest of them all

They offer their colour and I drink it in

They wash me clean, forgive my sin

Am I a disappointment? Perhaps only to myself

It can be difficult to tell, the curse of mental health

I start to swim, the shore draws near

I leave behind my guilt, I leave behind my fear

The rock is still behind me, perhaps it's not so far

But then objects in the rear view mirror may appear closer than they are

There are many roads yet to walk, and people yet to meet

The journey isn't over, isn't yet complete

Those dark clouds still threaten, the rain may yet come

But even the darkest cloud must soon give way to sun

Day 76 - 15th November

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix minis

Lunch - Salad with 2x slices french toast

Dinner - Beef curry with rice

Dessert - Chocolate chip cookie

In Between Meal Snacks

* Banana

* 3x rice cakes

* Handful of grapes

* Onion rings (crisps)

Thoughts & Feelings

* A weekend in Hastings and a conscious decision made to somewhat relax the regime but with an eye on the waistline. Firstly, I reverted to a standard meal plan of light(ish) lunch and full, carby dinner. Secondly, a bag of onion rings sat invitingly half finished on the kitchen counter and I decided to give in to temptation and give them a good home. No regrets. I am not a monk, a few moments of relaxation here and there are both acceptable and sensible for the long term benefit of the regime.

* I have stated before how the weekend brings its own, very different pressure from the working week and a trip to Hastings is yet another change. One interesting point is that I am able to recognise it as such. In the past, I may have become anxious, agitated or moody and not understood why, ruminating on it afterwards, regret feeding depression. Now, I appreciate that this represents a change and change can bring about anxiety. This understanding brings the capacity to prepare, accept and adapt.

* This clearly manifested in a couple of ways today. After a poor night's sleep, I found my anxiety levels becoming very high during the afternoon. I was becoming increasingly annoyed by Aiden crying, a baby of 6 months who can do nothing about it. Any question put to me was immediately shut down in my mind, no decision possible regardless of complexity. We ended up taking the kids to the park, the change in scenary bringing a change in mood which more or less saw me through the rest of the day.

* My anxiety and related agitation also impacts my relationship and interaction with family and has in the past been the primary source of regret and recrimination on the drive home. I often reflect on how I spoke, how I came across. Was I too curt, too agressive, too arrogant, too dismissive? In some senses I live a different life to my family and yet this remains my home, spiritually and, in a sense, literally. This remains where I am grounded. Today, I could sense my anxiety levels were high and whilst not always able to control how I would liked to have reacted in quite the way I wanted, the fact that I was aware helps me to accept. Acceptance is the first step on the path to change.

End of week 11 - 15th November

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 4lb

New weight - 11st 4lb

Comments

* Well at least my weight is consistent, even if my mood isn't #mentalhealthjoke

* I had hoped to reach 11st 3lbs this week but the consistency is also reasonably satisfying and gives me a platform to push on to my end of year target.

* The most pleasing aspect of the week has been the resistance to junk food, actively and consciously avoiding it. Married to my genuine desire to exercise, this is a two pronged, sustainable, healthy living lifestyle. 

Day 75 - 14th November

Food Log

Breakfast - Spooky Shreddies (woooooh)

Lunch - Home made chicken and vegetable soup, 1x bread roll

Dinner - Italian chicken with vegetables and small serving of pasta

Dessert - 

In Between Meal Snacks

* Banana

* 2x Go Ahead yoghurt breaks

* 3x rice cakes

Thoughts & Feelings

* No dessert tonight. With a trip to Hastings, dinner was followed by packing and driving (interspersed by some thievary, more below). At mum's, I was presented with a series of potential snacks but, whilst starving, declined after looking at the calorie and carb count. I was partly motivated by the knowledge that it is weigh in day tomorrow and I didn't want to adversely affect the result this close to the next milestone.

* Linked to this, our trips to Hastings usually result in buying McDonalds or something similar to eat in the car on the way. However this time I made the decision to have a normal dinner, foregoing the instant gratification of junk food for the longer term gratification of healthy eating. How awfully grown up of me.

* The night was almost ruined by an act of pure gobshitery. Whilst packing the car, we left the boot open and some hoodlum took it upon himself to grab a couple of bags and make off with them. I found them discarded a few houses down, the thief evidently unimpressed with his haul of baby milk powder, feeding bottles and calpol. It was a light piece of thievery but one can appreciate the mental anguish people can suffer when they have truly had their home violated as part of a robbery.

* Keep your eyes peeled this weekend for a 2 day special event sale of my flash fiction collection, A Matter Of Time, on Kindle.

Day 74 - 13th November

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix

Lunch - Home made chicken and vegetable soup, 1x bread roll

Dinner - Garlic chicken with salad and 6x onion rings

Dessert - 1/4 strawberry swirl cheesecake

In Between Meal Snacks

* Banana

* 2x Go Ahead yoghurt breaks

* 3x rice cakes

Thoughts & Feelings

* After declaring that I was free from the low mood / bad eating bug, today has been a real struggle. Walking to the office I could sense that my mood was unnaturally low. I feel as though I am operating below my capacity, that I have far more to give than that which both others and myself are currently asking. It is a delicate balance, I know all too well the consequences of taking too much and falling over the precipice. But standing too far from the edge, in too much comfort, brings an anxiety of its own. We need stress as part of a balanced, healthy life.

* This is partly of my own doing. An ex-manager once told me that I am great in a crisis but in the status quo, I don't know what to do with myself. I tend to run at 100% or crash. There is some truth in that. I had work lined up that should have lasted me the quarter but I effectively completed it within the space of a couple of weeks. It is a mark of my level of ability to be sure but has led to a new stress. As with all things, this behaviour, this crash or burn mentality, is learned and as such can be unlearned but it takes time, patience and compassion with self, traits that do not come naturally to me.

* As a result of this low mood, I felt the urge to snack. I could really go for a big, juicy burger or a bag of crisps or a cold tin of coke. The additional rice cake seemed a reasonable compromise under the circumstances and in that sense, the link remains broken. Desiring and acting are two very different things. Ultimately my desire to lose weight, to do things differently, to change, outweighed my desire to eat garbage.

* I saw a picture of myself today and my first thought was...I'm an ugly bastard. A statement of truth or the negative skew of mental illness? In a way it doesn't matter if it is true or not. The fact that this was my overwhelming, automatic reaction reinforces to me that I have considerable work to do in (re)building my confidence. Sure, we all have body issues of our own, none of us is ever happy with how we look. But to someone dealing with mental illness, I recognise that this is more. It is part of a pattern. I want to be able to look in the mirror and be, if not pleased, at least not disappointed with what I see. I can get fitter and I could get a haircut but fundamentally I'm not going to change how I look. So the key is to figure out how to be comfortable with what I have.

Day 73 - 12th November

Food Log

Breakfast - Some sort of honey grain boulders that the girls didn't like

Lunch - Pasta with salad

Dinner - 2x bowls home made chicken and vegetable soup

Dessert - 1/4 strawberry swirl cheesecake

In Between Meal Snacks

* Crisps

* Handful of grapes

* Banana

* 2x Go Ahead yoghurt breaks

* Some left over chicken

Thoughts & Feelings

* A slow start to the day as I find motivation difficult. There are some specific reasons behind this state of mind and I may explore them further in another entry.

* Interestingly though, my lack of enthusiasm does not translate to a desire to snack, which it most certainly would have done in the past. There are extenuating circumstances in that I am off to the dentist at lunch, so could snack even if I wanted to. Perhaps then it is partly just an acceptance by my mind. but I think there is more. I have broken the link between low mood and poor diet. One does not have to come hand in hand with the other. The solution to my lack of enthusiasm lies not at the bottom of an empty crisp packet but in the choices I make and the direction I point my life. I am in control.

* With a visit to the dentist, exercise time was limited but I squeezed in a short walk. It was nice when I realised that I would have missed it, I sought out an opportunity to exercise rather than (as it were) running away from it. My mentality has changed.

* A second bowl of soup today. With a trip to Hastings looming, I wanted to try and use up all the fresh food in the house and so sacraficed a slice of bread for a second bowl. Given that the soup is basically just flavoured water with some veg, I figure the calorie count can't be very high. I polished off the chicken partly for the same reason and partly because I was ruddy hungry.

* I have a couple of ideas for some new pieces of writing. It is always exciting when a new idea comes to mind, a confirmation that the creative juices are alive and flowing. Look out for them on the site soon.

* It is far easier to criticise than to create. Just a thought.