1066 All Stars

New Year's Eve - Middle of week 18 - 31st December

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 3lbs

New weight - 11st 2lbs

Comments

* And so the year ends 2lbs above my 'that would have been fantastic' target but 1lb below my 'that would be pretty ruddy good' target.

* On balance I am pretty happy. I have been as low as 11st, which represents an 18 lbs swing from when I started 4 months ago. I have consistently achieved a weight at or below 11st 3lbs, the figure I had set in my mind as my 'true' weight, even if I had hoped to dip below 11st. I go into the new year determined to continue the regime and to get as close to 10st 6lbs as is healthily achievable.

* The Christmas diet went out of the window somewhat. It is a difficult balance between enjoying yourself versus maintaining a sensible regime and more often than not I would indulge but feel guilty about it. I am more relived than anything that today's weigh in has not done any real damage. I find myself looking forward to getting back into my regime.

End of week 17 - 27th December

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 

New weight - 11st 3lbs

Comments

* As expected, a slight increase. I was conscious of wanting to relax my diet enough to feel like I had enjoyed Christmas, rather than building up any resentment. In the end, I found that the conflict fell the other way. I relaxed my diet but wanted to be stricter.

* I tried to find balance wherever possible. The big Christmas lunch was offset by a modest dinner, a pattern repeated today. I allowed indulgences, helping myself to choccies from the box and sharing a bag of onion rings.

* Having reached 11st, there is a part of me that can't help but regret the weight increase. But having got there once, I can do it again. The Christmas weight gain is a reasonable blip, once the routine kicks back in again in the new year - which it will - I have no doubt that I will quickly shed any excess picked up over this time.

* Christmas brings into focus a number of mental health issues. When I feel ready, I will blog about them in detail but one thing is clear. As much as I may have changed, the world hasn't. The hardest part of recovery from mental illness is that most other people do not understand the journey that I have been, and continue to, travel.

Christmas Eve - Middle of week 17 - 24th December

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st

New weight - 11st

Comments

* My end of year goal is achieved! Somehow I have conspired to lose 18lbs in 4 months, not a bad achievement by anyone's standard.

* And yet I am disappointed! Having hit 11st at the last weigh in I had really hoped to dip below for Christmas but it was not to be. Despite the progress made, the negative automatic thoughts want to sabotage this result, convince me that I haven't done enough. And so I reject these thoughts. When I started, I did not realistically expect to be at 11st by this time. I go into the Christmas and New Year period able to relax my diet, safe in the knowledge that application and dedication will counter any slight increase over the festive period. And more than that, I am looking forward to tackling the next half stone to bring me to my ultimate target weight of 10st 6lbs.

* I bought a packet of sweets on Saturday on the basis that I had done really well this past 4 months and deserved a small treat. But when I got home and took them out, I didn't want to eat them. I was so close to my pre-Christmas target that I did not want a small, unnecessary indulgence to ruin the work done. Weigh in completed and target met, I will now enjoy them guilt free.

* It is a strange feeling pulling on a shirt for work and thinking, 'I think I might need to buy a smaller size.'

End of week 16 - 20th December

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 3lb

New weight - 11st

Comments

* Amazing what a day of feeling like death and hardly eating can do for you.

* Clearly I wouldn't recommend it as a strategy but Thursday was a complete wipeout with illness. Breakfast consisted of about four bites of toast and some paracetamol. Lunch was one slice of toast with a bag of sweets, followed by a half eaten dinner. I was still a little shaky on Friday but managed to fit in something of a walk and resisted the lure of a McDonalds to stick with my planned salad for dinner.

* Regardless of the circumstances, what a pleasant surprise to find myself down at 11st. As ever, I always weigh myself at least twice in the morning to validate the result. One of the weights registered just under 11st which I subsequently dismissed as it was not repeated. It would be wonderful to shift that extra pound by Wednesday's weigh in to give me a pre-Christmas boost. I don't expect it to be maintained over the Christmas period, nor will I beat myself up if it isn't, but it would be a great achievement all things considered.

* Speaking of Christmas, as it draws closer my sense of impending dooms increases. I wrote about it here but inevitably there were things left unsaid. I appreciate that people may find this strange. After all, I have two very exciteable kids and a new baby, what's not to get excited about? But that is to totally dismiss the anxious mindset. Whilst I do not want to be a slave to my anxiety, I am also not prepared to downplay it. Anxiety threatens to unravel my world every single day, it is a beast I must continually attempt to slay. It is a fight I don't always win.

* Lots of new pieces on the site recently. In the absence of any pending publcation of my children's story collection, I decided to post The Friendly Lion on the site. I also wrote a new children's rhyme, The Little Blue Whale. This story came about from a toy whale we donated to nursery and Karen suggested I write a story to go with it. I have received some very nice feedback on Readwave suggesting it is book material. I must admit to being quite pleased with it, especially considering that I made it up in a quiet ten minutes at work. I would greatly value feedback from parents.

* There are also a few mental health pieces dotted around, including my mental health Christmas carol, Jingle Blues! If you see something you like, help a brother out and share it with your friends.

It is quieter now, the storm has passed by

There's no need to pretend or to silently cry

Yet in the distance the Dog barks still

There is no quick solution, no magic pill

Somewhere inside my soul still weeps

The wound never heals, the Dog never sleeps.

Middle of week 16 - 17th December

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 3lb

New weight - 11st 3lb

Comments

* Urgh, these last 3lbs are going to be tough to shift.

* I have reached a point of acceptance though. December is a tough month to lose weight and I think I have done pretty well so far. I do not my Christmas to be dominated by thoughts of food guilt or self recrimination. This is not a sprint, this is a race for life. The changes I have made will benefit me for the months and years to come and it is important that I accept and keep moving forward.

Once upon a time in the deep blue sea

Swam a little blue whale who was naughty as could be

Mummy whale said, ‘Don’t swim too far away’

But the little whale wanted to explore and play

So one summer morning while mummy whale slept

The little whale swam to where the old wreck was kept

‘Don’t go near,’ mummy whale always said

But the naughty little whale had other plans instead

She swam down deep until the wreck was near

Until she was very far away, it was dark down here

She swam into the wreck but then started to get scared

And then she saw the face with its big teeth bared!

‘Don’t be scared,’ said the big white teeth

‘I'm just a friendly shark out playing on the reef’

‘Why not come closer and we can have a proper chat?’

But when the whale got close the teeth went SNAP!

The whale tried to swim away as fast as she could flee

But the hungry shark followed, he would eat her for his tea!

SNAP! Went his teeth and the shark said, ‘Yum!’

And the little whale cried, ‘I should have listened to my mum.’

The shark got close and tried to take a bite

But the whale moved in time and swam with all her might

And just when she thought the shark would get too close

Mummy whale swam over and hit him on the nose

The shark swam away to the wreck to hide

The little whale swam to her mummy and cried

And from that moment on the little whale knew

She would listen to her mummy when she told her what to do

So the little blue whale, once naughty as could be

Was now the best behaved whale in the deep blue sea.

End of week 15 - 13th December

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 3lb

New weight - 11st 3lb

Comments

* Disappointing weigh in but could have been far worse. I always weigh myself twice to validate the result. First time I stepped on, it said 11st 4lbs, which came as a bit of a shock. Second time, it said 11st 2lbs. Then finally 3rd and 4th times it said 11st 3lbs, which I settled on as being the true value.

* I really want to get down to 11st but these last 2/3 pounds are proving difficult to shift. There is a two part problem. 1) the combination of Christmas and length of regime have caused me to give in to the occassional snack desire. 2) I think I am reaching the limit of weight loss without fundamental changes to my exercise regime, which I simply don't have the time or desire to implement.

* There are parallels with other activities though. I recently returned to Football Manager, having not played it for several months. I enjoy FM but it causes me an immense amount of anxiety, which is why I started a blog on the Sports Interactive forums to monitor my feelings as I play. One of the themes that come out of that is an impatience to be better, to reach my target (the Premier League) but always with the thought at the back of my mind that whatever I achieve will never be enough.

And so it is with my weight. I expect to have lost weight because I want to. The reality is that, without significant lifestyle changes, I am at or near my natural weight. I can still achieve my goal but, realistically, it is a long term goal, not a short term one. Being impatient and expecting things to happen before they are ready will just build a resentment. Instead, I must simply focus on what is and forget what has been or what may come.

Or, to put it another way, mindfulness.

* There can be a tendancy with mental health problems to to think, 'other people have it worse than me, what have I got to be depressed about?' But by so doing, we invalidate our own feelings. Circumstances do not have to be compared, they are relative. A broken arm is still a broken arm, even if the guy in the next bed has cancer.

* A few new pieces on the site in the last few days. Why not take some time to check them out;

Jingle Blues - a mental health Christmas carol!

A Mental Healthy Christmas - a poem reviewing my year

Outrunning The Black Dog - an excerpt from my Football Manager blog

You Only Play Once - a retro gaming article

And don't forget my books are on sale at Amazon. Give the gift of mental health this Christmas with one of these stocking fillers.

Dashing through my mind

In a negative, repetitive way

My confidence is long gone

It has been chased away

Thinking I'm no good

That I can't get anything right

It's time to start taking back my life

So I'll sing this song tonight!

(chorus)

Mental health, mental health

Chase the blues away

Oh! what fun it is to live

In a mental healthy way

Mental health, mental health

Chase the blues away

Oh! what fun it is to live

In a mental healthy way

Depression came around

But he stayed for far too long

He told me that I'm weak

That I could not be strong

Then anxiety popped round too

My mind became a cell

Is there any escape from the jail of my mind?

It became too hard to tell

(chorus)

Mental health, mental health

Chase the blues away

Oh! what fun it is to live

In a mental healthy way

Mental health, mental health

Chase the blues away

Oh! what fun it is to live

In a mental healthy way

When I thought there's no way back

That no-one else could hear

Therapy showed the way

To tackle all my fears

The road was long and hard

And sometimes it felt strange

But I kept on going and now I see

It was down to me to change

(chorus)

Mental health, mental health,

Chase the blues away.

Oh! what fun it is to live

In a mental healthy way.

Mental health, mental health,

Chase the blues away.

Oh! what fun it is to live

In a mental healthy way.

The fog that once was here

Has finally dispersed

The Black Dog is not gone

But I no longer feel cursed

The thoughts might still be there

But I can ignore what they try to say

And concentrate on living my life

In a mental healthy way

(chorus)

Mental health, mental health,

Chase the blues away.

Oh! what fun it is to live

In a mental healthy way.

Mental health, mental health,

Chase the blues away.

Oh! what fun it is to live

In a mental healthy way.

Christmas time is here again,

So ends a year of hope, a year of pain.

I returned to work, moved on at last,

Learned to forgive and forget my past.

I achieved a dream, which still feels strange.

I learned the importance of making change.

Some battles were lost, some were won,

I lost a father, I gained a son.

But mental illness is never far away,

It is a demon I must confront each and every day.

Depression doesn't care if you're happy or sad,

If you've been naughty or nice, good or bad.

And anxiety can come from out of the blue,

To tell you you're no good, even though it's not true.

To combat the negative thoughts in my head,

I think of the ways in which I am blessed.

The girls we thought we would never see,

Our son who completes our family tree.

They bring me joy, they spend my money,

I don't know if I should cry or find it funny.

There's a place missing at the table this year,

Always in our thoughts, though you're no longer here.

So here's to a Christmas full of festive cheer,

And a mental healthy and happy New Year.