1066 All Stars

Food Diary

Breakfast - 120ml Alove Vera Gel, 2x Garcinia Softgel Tablets, 1x Therm Tablet, water, 300ml Lite Ultra Shake (with skimmed milk)

Lunch - 2x Garcinia Softgel Tablets, 1x Therm Tablet, 300ml Lite Ultra Shake (with skimmed milk)

Dinner - Medium sized jacket potato with turkey steak, grated cheese and side salad (approx. 600 calories), 2x Garcinia Softgel Tablets

Evening - water

Snacks - Fibre packet with water

Free Foods - 1x apple, 2x plums

Drinks - 8 glasses (circa 3l) water

Exercise - 60 minute walk

Weigh In

Last weight - 11st 3lbs

New weight - 11st 1lb

Thoughts

My thoughts are a little scattershot today so this might jump around all over the place.

* I woke up feeling pretty good this morning. I didn’t feel hungry and the shake was well received (the switch to skimmed milk offering no noticeable change to taste), although I did have a small headache, perhaps a reaction to the absence of sugar and caffeine.

* Day 3 weigh in shows 2lbs lost so far. It is difficult not to be disappointed having seen other people achieve drops of 5lbs or so. I expected more, given that I have already achieved this weight with my own eating and exercise plan.

* This disappointment manifests in a few different ways. The first was a fleeting thought of just chucking the whole thing in, wondering if it was a waste of time. Then, I started to think back on the weight I put on over Christmas, the ‘if only’ brigade telling me that if I hadn’t have eaten so much I might already be under 11st. Finally, my mind tells me, ‘hey, you should have eaten more over Christmas, then you might have seen a significant weight loss now and not have been such a miserable git.'

* This mindset also projects forward. Day 3 means the introduction of a proper meal, something I had been looking forward to. Now, that enthusiasm is tempered as the extra calories will potentially cause my weight to standstill or, even worse, increase.

* …and breathe.

* Some context. To start with, these statements are needlessly judgemental. At a starting weight of 11st 3lbs, I am only a couple of pounds above my short term target of 11st. I simply don’t have that much weight to lose which makes it unrealistic to expect the pounds to come dropping off.

* Also I must remember that this is day 3. I have no intention of judging my other goals (skin, mind) until day 9 therefore it is unfair to start judging weight on day 3 in isolation.

* Weight is also just a number, it should be seen in the context of measurements which have seen subtle drops.

* Finally, I must repeat one important fact to myself; this is not a weight loss plan, this is not a weight loss plan, this is not a weight loss plan…

* I was nervous about making it through the work day with its time triggers of when I would usually eat. There were some early morning hunger pangs but these were easily resisted. They were almost like an echo or memory of my daily routine, my body expecting to eat because that’s what I usually did, even though I wasn’t truly hungry.

* I did start to get hungry late morning, the free foods coming to my rescue. There does come a point though where you have to make a choice. You can either sit with the ‘woe is me' feeling of being hungry or just accept that there is nothing more to eat right now. A reminder then that part of this plan is about breaking old, unhealthy habits and establish new, healthier alternatives. The shake for lunch, when I would usually have my biggest meal of the day, was tasty and satisfying and in fact allowed me to fit in virtually an entire lunch break of walking as I could have the shake at my desk. I actually found myself looking forward to it, knowing I was having something filling but not fattening.

* Despite everything noted above, I am really positive. I have a tangible sense that I am taking control of my health and wellbeing. Whatever number the scales may conjure, I feel pretty good about that.

* A noticeable positive; my energy levels and concentration appear much improved. I am often tired during the day at work but today I felt energised, right through the afternoon and into the evening. It will be interesting to monitor if this is situational or recurrent.

Food Diary

Breakfast - 120ml Alove Vera Gel, 2x Garcinia Softgel Tablets, 1x Therm Tablet, water

Lunch - 120ml Alove Vera Gel, 2x Garcinia Softgel Tablets, 1x Therm Tablet, 300ml Lite Ultra Shake (with semi skimmed milk)

Dinner - 120ml Alove Vera Gel, 2x Garcinia Softgel Tablets

Evening - 120ml Alove Vera Gel

Snacks - Fibre packet with water

Free Foods - 1x apple, 2x plums, lettuce and tomato side salad

Drinks - 8 glasses (circa 3l) water

Exercise - 45 minute walk

Thoughts

* Phew! Day two completed which means the hardest days of the challenge are behind me. From this point on the Aloe Vera Gel intake reduces and I can introduce an honest-to-goodness real meal.

* A tough start to the day. I woke up with a blistering headache, no doubt not helped by being up 4-5 times in the night with the kids. Preparing their breakfast, I was desparate for something to eat, reaching a compromise with an apple from the free food list.

* A mid-morning return to bed saw the headache pass, thankfully. The rest of the day was largely incident free, save for some fierce hunger pangs and a mild feeling of light headedness. I am certainly glad to have started the plan on a weekend, rather than try to manage these symptoms at work as I felt my concentration levels distinctly below par, a videogame review I had planned being shelved until tomorrow. Energy has been variable, at times I have felt low energy, othertimes surprisingly sprightly.

* Water intake was a little harder today but I achieved my 8 glass target. Again, I still feel thirsty bizarrely but there comes a point when you simply can't face another glass.

* By the way, you need to pee. A lot.

* Shopping done, my working day should be broadly unchanged. Fruit and side salad will replace bars or rice cakes and I'll have the shake for dinner. It remains to be seen whether any hunger pangs surface at work and what affect this may have on mood and concentration. I will need to be sensible and balance my desire to restrict my food intake during the plan against a practical need to be able to perform my duties.

* Meal plans for the week are roughly sketched out with jacket potatoes on days 3 and 4, chicken and salad on days 5 and 6 and turkey and salad (or veg, TBD) days 7 and 8 with some rice or pasta. We then end with a (supermarket bought) Pizza Express, half of which brings me in under the 600 calorie limit. To be honest I'm not really sure how to calculate the calories although I will broadly follow the recipes in the booklet. I will be conservative though and if anything suspect I will come in under the daily allowance. I will also be swapping out the semi-skimmed milk for skimmed, as recommended in the booklet.

* Weigh in and measurement day tomorrow, check back to see how I fared.

Food Diary

Breakfast - 120ml Alove Vera Gel, 2x Garcinia Softgel Tablets, 1x Therm Tablet, water

Lunch - 120ml Alove Vera Gel, 2x Garcinia Softgel Tablets, 1x Therm Tablet, 300ml Lite Ultra Shake (with semi skimmed milk)

Dinner - 120ml Alove Vera Gel, 2x Garcinia Softgel Tablets

Evening - 120ml Alove Vera Gel

Snacks - Fibre packet with water

Free Foods - 2x plums, lettuce and tomato side salad

Drinks - 8 glasses (circa 3l) water

Thoughts

* I did it! Day one completed. Half of the two hardest days down.

* So, how was it? The morning was fine. The novelty of it seemed to overshadow the realisation that I wasn't technically eating anything and to my surprise I remained relatively full until mid-morning, which saw my first use of the free food list. Lunch was equally manageable. The shake provided a change from the gel and was again surprisingly filling.

Early evening however started to bring the first real hunger pangs and an urge to snack. I had been trying to resist the free food list, despite it being given the all clear in the info booklet, wanting to keep the first two days of the plan as 'pure' as possible. A small lettuce and tomato portion allowed me to kill two birds with one stone, allowing a snack whilst also using up some fridge contents.

* There were certainly some difficult moments. The Christmas food has yet to be finished so there are still crisps, chocolate and sweets knocking around the house which I tried my best to palm off on the kids. Morning temptation was largely manageable, save for a wistful look at the crisps as I portioned them onto the kids plates. Evening was another matter, snack desires in full force as a day of nominal physical eating started to play on my mind.

But I managed it. Snacking urges were resisted, cravings offset by some timely free food intervention.

* Having young children in the house undoubtedly makes it harder. Not only have I got to cook their meals and provide snacks, they constantly want interaction, which makes it harder to find the time to plan or simply to rest and conserve energy.

* Speaking of which, I started to feel particularly tired early evening. It is difficult to judge if this is due to the plan or simply a continuance of a weekend pattern whereby I often find mood and energy low on Saturday where the grind of the week catches up with me. My general mood has actually been pretty good, perhaps an uplift from the sense of trying something new and taking charge of at least this aspect of my life.

* Similarly an afternoon headache and accompanying bout of neck pain are par for the course for me most days, the latter swiftly dispatched with a timely dose of Aloe Heat Lotion.

* Water intake was actually easier than I feared. I have got used to drinking around 2 litres at work from a bottle but it turned out to be far easier to manage from a glass. Plus of course the absence of snacking meant that any urge to shove something down my gob could only be filled by water. Bizarrely though I still felt thirsty all day.

* Exercise was a bit less than planned but I think a day of parenting more than makes up for it and I'll soon catch up when I get back to my normal routine next week.

Taste Test

Okay, enough of my waffling. What you really want to know is how the stuff tastes.

* Aloe Vera Gel - very difficult to describe. It has quite a thick texture but is easy to swallow. If anything, it's like a deeply flavoured fruit. Not something you would bring out at dinner parties but frankly I've drunk worse.

* Lite Ultra Shake - we mixed with semi-skimmed milk, rather than the skimmed milk recommended in the plan which means a few extra calories with the trade off that skimmed milk is like barely flavoured water. The shake itself is fine. The vanilla flavour is relatively bland although mine was a little bitty. Perhaps I didn't shake my shake quite enough. It didn't seem to completely agree with me, my stomach roiling for a few minutes (although nothing more sinister), but that may simply be due to the fact that I rarely consume milk in this quantity as much as anything else.

* Fibre packet - mixed with a small amount of water, taste was barely noticeable. 

* Garcinia tablets - they're bloody huge! Tough swallow aside, no problem.

* Therm tablets - normal tablet.

So that's it. I'll be back tomorrow with some thoughts on day two with a look ahead to my day 3-9 meal plan. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some gel to drink.

Previous week

With Christmas and New Year slowly fading to a distant memory, this week has seen an attempt to get back on track, ready to tackle the C9.

Knowing that I was starting such a restrictive plan, there was a temptation to food splurge, to have one final week of indulgence. But instead I tried to maintain a balanced eating and exercise plan, with just the odd wobble.

Food Diary

The McDonald’s was unplanned but kept to a modest amount whilst the fizzy drink and popcorn is somewhat of an indulgence but, hey, Star Wars.

I had hoped to reduce my tea intake down to virtually nil by the end of the week, phasing out perhaps a morning, afternoon or evening beverage. I cut out the odd one here and there but frustration and boredom conspired against me so that Friday was pretty much back to normal.

I am nervous but excited to get going with the plan, the weekend set aside for a day 3-9 shop and purchase of some snacks from the ‘free foods’ list.

Goals

Before we get going, time to reaffirm my hopes for these 9 days. These can also be recorded in the information booklet included within the pack.

For a goal to be truly effective, it should follow the SMART principles – Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic, Timed.

Skin – tackling my greasy, spotty neck, shoulders and back

Mind – restoring energy and concentration

Body – breaking through the 11st barrier, perhaps slimming down to a 32” waist

For context, it is worth remembering that I am two and bit years removed from therapy for anxiety and depression. I am well aware that issues of the mind are not fixed by a magic pill and that depression in particular can leave you feeling low energy, unmotivated and lacking concentration.

Whilst these issues are not and will not ever be permanently behind me, I am able to recognise the signs and can confidently state that I am not currently afflicted with depression. On that basis, I am hopeful that changes to diet and routine can make a genuine difference to my mindset.

It is important to keep in mind that anxiety is caused by my own thoughts and actions, not external factors, and I am therefore responsible for addressing these behaviours. Perhaps though the C9 can go some way to clearing away the cobwebs, giving me the energy needed to tackle the malaise.

Weigh in & Measurements

These can also be recorded in the information booklet included within the pack and should be taken on days 1,3,6 and 9.

Weight: 11st 3lbs

Chest: 39 inches

Biceps: 10 inches

Waist: 35.5 inches

Hips: 37 inches

Thighs: 21.5 inches

Calves: 13.5 inches

After a previous day weigh in at 11st 4lbs, a pleasant surprise this morning to find I had reached my starting weight target of 11st 3lbs.

Most of the other measurements mean little to me at the moment although it is strange to see my waist come out at 35.5 inches given that I wear a comfortable 34 inch trouser.

Smile For The Camera!

Okay, time to capture this for posterity. Warning, images may contain flab!

So this is me. Handsome fellow, huh?

I would consider myself to be in reasonable overall health. I am overweight but not grossly so, the areas of particular concern around the chest or ‘moobs’ whilst the stomach would benefit from a bit of tightening up.

My skin issues flare up across my back, neck and shoulders, to the extent that I have been reluctant to get my hair cut due to embarrassment at what would be revealed, and concern over what might be clipped.

On the bottom half, my thighs are a little chunky, although my regular walks have definitely contributed to a slimming down here.

I have little in the way of muscle definition but then hey, a guy can’t have everything, right?

First 2 days

These will very likely be far and away the most difficult part of the plan as there is effectively no intake of ‘regular’ food. I will detail each day in full as I go but broadly speaking, days 1 and 2 will look like this;

Breakfast

• 2x Forever Garcinia Plus Softgels

• 120ml Forever Aloe Vera Gel

• 1x Forever Therm Tablet

Lunch

• 2x Forever Garcinia Plus Softgels

• 120ml Forever Aloe Vera Gel

• 1x Forever Therm Tablet

• 1x Scoop Forever Lite Ultra

Dinner

• 2x Forever Garcinia Plus Softgels

• 120ml Forever Aloe Vera Gel

Evening

• 120ml Forever Aloe Vera Gel

• 250ml of water

Snacks

• 1x Packet Forever Fibre

• Snacks from the ‘free foods’ list

Exercise

• 30 min minimum of low-intensity exercise

Fluids

• 8 glasses water (2-3 litres)

Next Steps

Blimey, this is really going to happen, isn't it?

I'll check in each day with a report on what I've had to eat and drink and how I'm feeling whilst on days 3,6 and 9 I will share my weight and measurements.

And don't forget, if you would like to take the plan yourself, search on Facebook for Aloe Vera Dreams or follow @AloeVeraDreams on Twitter.

Just a few days to go until the start of my Clean 9 plan so time to dive in and see what awaits.

What's In The Box?

First impressions are very positive. It's not a basis on which to form an opinion on the efficacy of the product clearly but the pack is well presented in a clean, clear, professional looking package that gives you a degree of comfort that you are in safe hands.

The Clean 9 pack contains the following;

• 2x 1 litre bottles Forever Aloe Vera Gel
• 1x Vanilla flavour Forever Lite Ultra shake mix
• Food supplement kit, including 54 Forever Garcinia Plus Softgels, 18 Forever Therm Tablets, 9 Forever Fibre Packets
• 1x shaker
• 1x tape measure
• 1x information booklet & planner
• 1x brochure

Over the past couple of years, I have used blogs and short stories to explore many facets of my mental health. Anxiety and depression have played a fundamental role in my life but therapy showed me that these were illnesses that could be treated and overcome and so it was important to me to understand them and in turn, understand how I could change.

Where did these illnesses come from? What events, situations or thoughts triggered my mental illness? I have looked back on some of them whilst my awareness of others formed as I wrote. But these are complex conditions, deep rooted and with many layers.

In this blog series I will attempt to trace the path of my mental journey, from present day issues, through years in mental wilderness, right back to childhood and beyond.

Well, no time like the present.

Christmas 2015 and a New Year

I have blogged about Christmas expectations separately and so will not repeat myself here, other than to say that the challenges I envisaged were present and correct.

More generally, I remain wracked by anxiety. Work is very much a means to an end, perhaps more so than at any other point in my life. I am not invested, I simply work the hours required of me and return home. There is no overtime, no working from home, no out of hours socialising. It is just a job, as interchangeable as a light bulb. And yet I find myself consistently stressed, obsessing about the most minor of details, paralysed over posting a simple letter or always assuming an error or omission must be down to me.

At home, life can often be even more complicated. I love my children, I adore my wife, I would not be without any of them and I consider myself blessed to have them. Yet I constantly find myself at my wits end, frazzled and out of energy, losing my temper, snapping constantly. Life almost seems to have become a series of parties that I have no interest in attending yet find myself constantly dragged to.

It becomes a vicious mood cycle; the stress of home left behind means that work, despite the drudgery, almost becomes more enjoyable at a certain level, this thought in turn powering a wind turbine of guilt and shame.

In Hastings, I take a moment to contemplate my life and where I came from. I retain an underlying desire to return to Hastings one day and yet this is no longer the town I left behind. I do not recognise the shops or the streets and yet Sutton has never truly felt like home. I feel out of place, mentally homeless.

Still, I recognise the progress made. That I am aware of these issues and can vocalise them represents a victory.

But my mental illness did not start here. We must go back further.

Parenting

This blog series will likely be a heavy one, filled with ruminations on a number of difficult and hard to voice topics.

So let’s start with some happiness.

Children bring a joy that is unmatched by anything else in life. The sheer wonder with which they approach life is infectious as they discover the world around them, fascinated by what we as adults take for granted as routine.

I was struck recently by how children demonstrate a natural mindfulness. Walking back from the park, one of the girls was thrilled to discover a new bit of pavement that she hadn’t walked on or a small kerb that she could balance on. Such simplicity, such unabated joy.

I find being a parent incredibly difficult. There are times when I wonder if I am really cut out for it. In a sense I am inherently selfish, the root cause of some of my anxiety and mood stemming from a sense of loss at the life I no longer get to lead. The grass, as they say, is always greener.

Being a parent causes stress, worry, anger, resentment and frustration. It makes me doubt myself and feel overwhelmed.

But it’s all worth it.

But my mental illness did not start here. We must go back further.

Return To Work – 2014-15

After the difficulty and uncertainty of redundancy, the security of a permanent job was very much welcomed. Despite my grandiose dreams of finally breaking into a sector that held personal interest to me, reality took over and so I followed the currents of the existing rivers, finding the dry land of employment in almost identical surroundings to those I had left behind.

Whilst this level of familiarity was helpful in one sense, it also served to highlight the differences, which on the face of it appeared to be positives. Shorn of management responsibilities, I could concentrate on myself, free of worries and strains. I had no system knowledge, no legacy roles for colleagues to draw on. I was an unknown, free to carve a new path.

And yet I found this freedom dispiriting. For a long time I could not resist the urge to compare and contrast. As stressful as my old life had been, now that it had been taken away I missed it. Where once I considered my role had a degree of importance, now I was just an anonymous cog in the wheel and I resented the drop in perceived status. I wanted more.

At the same time though, I was scared. Pushing myself had led to my previous collapse. I waged an internal struggle between feeling I should do (be?) more and yet wanting to stop and smell the flowers, just for a bit. When opportunities did present themselves I would outwardly embrace them willingly yet inwardly be a churning vortex of emotions, constantly worried that I was stepping out of my depth and would be found out. After a while, even the most innocuous of incidents or tasks would cause anxiety as I became disproportionately concerned about a potential error or drop in standards.

I recognised some of the ways I could address this behaviour. Part of my anxiety was driven by an absence of knowledge, both systems and people. Clearly these could be solved by being proactive and yet I resisted, unwilling to commit, giving into feelings of tiredness and timidity.

At the same time, I felt displaced. Even after almost 2 years, I do not truly feel a part of the team or the company. I feel like an outsider looking in. It was the little things too; how few people I knew compared to my former life, the unfamiliar roads on my lunchtime walk, washing my hands and instinctively turning left to reach for the dryer as it was at the old company instead of right as it is at the new. Little moments, insignificant in and of themselves yet taken as a whole they represented a life lost.

The irony is that during this time, I gradually increased my responsibilities, carving out a niche for myself in reporting and complex queries. I became a valuable member of the team, my input was pivotal in completing a number of high profile tasks.

But my mental illness did not start here. We must go back further.

Still To Come

In future instalments I venture further into my mental past as I revisit the birth of my son, the death of my dad and redundancy.

Weigh In

With a week to go until the start of my C9 challenge, time to take stock of where I am and think about some of the specifics.

Post-Christmas and New Year weigh in this morning puts me at 11st 5lbs. That is a 4lb gain from Christmas Eve but actually just 2lbs above what I consider an 'acceptable’ weight.

I have been eagerly anticipating the C9 but this (and in indeed an earlier) weigh in caused me some anxiety. Should I see the benefit of weight loss from the challenge, I don’t want to have gained so much over the festive period that anything lost simply returns me to where I was. My target is to break through the 11st barrier and so I want to be as close as possible to this before I start.

To this end, I strongly considered delaying my start date of 11th January but ultimately decided against it. Instead I opted to make this a healthy week, putting aside the leftover junk and stepping up the exercise. I enjoyed a 30 minute stint on the exercise bike before work followed by a 50-60 minute walk at lunchtime, a pattern that will be broadly maintained throughout the week, weather permitting. My meal plan will return to normal with a low-carb dinner based around vegetables or salad.

The sudden transition from an all out snack-a-thon to careful calorie control has been jarring, the evening period between getting home and dinner particularly difficult as my hunger pangs tried to override my brain to lead me into the sweet filled prmoised land of the kitchen. But I resisted, an important victory given what is to come. I don't rule out the occasional indulgence this week but it will be in moderation.

I have demonstrated to myself that I can shed a couple of excess pounds within a week and so this morning’s weigh in is no reason to delay the start of my C9. In fact I am toying with the idea of bringing it forward.

Start Date

Before starting this blog I was only notionally familiar with the C9 plan and will do a full unboxing during the week, however some background reading gives me pause for thought.

Of the 9 day plan, the first 2 appear the hardest as they are based predominantly around the Aloe Gel. There is a risk of low energy given the limited calorie intake.

Combined with the sheer fact of a fundamental change to diet, I am concerned that starting on a (working) Monday morning may not be prudent. My day has become broadly structured around when I eat certain foods, and of course I need to have a level of mental alertness. For that reason, I am considering starting on a Saturday, giving me the hardest 2 days at home which, although presenting different stresses of family life, may ultimately be easier to manage.

To be determined.

Potential Challenges

Increasing my water intake should not present a problem as I already consume a fair amount. I do however like to supplement this with several cups of tea, which will be a wrench to give up. Not just for the caffeine intake but also the break in the day it provides in making it. I intend to phase it out gradually this week, although I seemed to be staging a silent rebellion today, sneaking in an extra cup or two as a final act of defiance.

General snacking has also been a concern. I consider my current diet to be broadly healthy (Christmas excluded) but am conscious that it includes a number of processed items. Fruit bars may be better than chocolate bars but they are still packed with badness. It was interesting then to read about the number of items that are considered ‘free foods’ as part of the plan with many items of fresh fruit and raw vegetables admissible and which should provide ample snacking.

I am really looking forward to starting this plan, taking charge of my diet and hopefully laying the groundwork for a healthier, happier me.

Still To come

The countdown continues with a unboxing and summary of the C9 pack, a provisional 9 day dietary plan, a final pre-plan weigh-in and some ‘before’ pictures of my target areas.

Background

Having struggled with my weight for most of my life, in October 2014 I embarked on a healthy living campaign, reducing the amount of junk and snack foods in my diet and implementing a regular exercise regime.

From my starting weight of 12st 4lbs, I managed to reach 11st by Christmas 2014, representing 18lbs lost in 3 months.

Now a year later, with the healthy living regime embedded into my daily life, I have maintained my weight at or around the 11st mark, checking in for my final pre-Christmas weigh in at 11st 1lb.

This lifestyle change was driven in part by a desire to see what impact it would have on my mental health, documented in this blog series. But despite the improvements to my figure and mentality, there remain underlying issues with both body and mind.

And so 2016 represents a good place to try something different.

Current Diet

My eating routines are a self-devised plan of relatively balanced eating combined with exercise.

The key aspect is a change to my daily meal plan. Rather than a heavy dinner, I switched my main meal to lunchtime, followed by a brisk walk, ensuring that carbs are consumed during the day and intake limited post-3pm, an admittedly arbitrary deadline. Dinner is then a lighter meal, often containing many of the same elements as before but with the carbs stripped out, pasta or potatoes replaced by salad or extra vegetables.

Exercise normally consists of a lunchtime walk, a minimum of 30 minutes and up to 1 hour. In the event that this is not possible, I replaced it with a pre-work session on the exercise bike.

With this increased level of activity, I have been conscious that my calorie intake must be maintained lest the pangs of hunger lower my mood and increase the desire for unhealthy binge eating. As such, my morning routine includes regular intake of fruit, fruit bars and low calorie crackers.

Fluid intake consists of a minimum 1 litre of water whilst I am partial to several cups of tea. Soft drinks are consumed on an exceptional basis only.

The plan is broadly followed throughout the week, although the structure of the working day makes it easier to follow Monday to Friday, weekends presenting more of a challenge.

Clean 9 – What is it?

The Clean 9 pack from Forever Living is a 9 day cleansing plan designed to cleanse your body and provide a starting point for improved diet and fitness habits.

Based around Forever’s Aloe Vera Gel drink, the pack includes gels and shakes that form the bedrock of the dietary element of the plan together with tablets, tape measure and information booklet to support you throughout and beyond.

It is important to stress that this is not a weight loss programme. The plan is designed first and foremost as a system cleanse and a means by which to kick-start healthier living. Those specifically seeking a weight loss plan should look elsewhere; whilst weight loss may be a happy side effect, it is not a stated objective of the plan and is in no way guaranteed.

Objectives

With these considerations in mind, what am I hoping for from the plan? There are three core areas that I hope to address;

Skin – My skin is horribly greasy and I am prone to frequent outbreaks of acne. As a 37 year old man, this is embarrassing to say the least. These flare ups usually occur on my neck, back and chest and are often both unsightly and uncomfortable. I will often dress in a way that offers maximum coverage, such as wearing high collars or even adding an extra layer, even when unwarranted by the weather. I am embarrassed to remove my shirt to go swimming and am even somewhat uncomfortable being topless in front of my partner.

These skin issues have had a fundamental impact on my self-confidence and undoubtedly played a role in my ongoing issues with depression and anxiety.

Mind – Perhaps as a side effect of the mental health issues noted above, or simply a standalone symptom, on a daily basis I find myself tired, lacking concentration and motivation. Whilst there are certainly external factors within my life, principally my twins and young son, these are long standing issues and not so easily dismissed.

Body – As satisfied as I am with having shed 18lbs, at 11st I remain just inside the ‘overweight’ category, as defined by the height / weight chart on the NHS website. With the disclaimer stated above duly noted, my target weight is 10st 6lbs, or 65kgs, which puts me squarely in the middle of the ‘ideal’ weight for someone of my relatively diminutive stature (5’5). Ideally I would also like to drop a waist size, from my current 34” to 32”.

Forever Living / Aloe Vera Dreams

The Clean 9 plan has been designed by US based Forever Living, a producer of health, wellness and nutrition products, distributed globally via a network of sellers.

In the interests of transparency, I was introduced to the product by my wife, a seller of Forever’s product range under the business name Aloe Vera Dreams.

Notwithstanding, one of the cornerstones of my writing has been an unflinching honesty, something to which regular readers of my blogs, not to mention this opening post, can no doubt attest.

As such, this blog will be a genuine, honest account of my experience with Clean 9 during each day of the plan; the good and the bad, the successes and the failures, the times the path is followed and any times I may slip.

You can order the C9 pack, and explore the full Forever range, by visiting Aloe Vera Dreams on Facebook, or on Twitter @AloeVeraDreams.

Join me on the journey, starting January 2016.

New year, new me.

Each of us is on our own journey and no two are the same. There is no right or wrong, simply different routes along the path. Happiness lies in finding your way. In fact sometimes the happiest moments are when you are seemingly most lost.

And so we have a choice. To turn left or right. To stay the course or change direction. If life is a journey, do you want to be the driver of yours or a passenger to someone elses?

To extend the metaphor, our mind is like the engine that drives us on. Sometimes the engine stops working properly. Well I'm no mechanic, so when my engine malfunctioned I took it to the garage and the experts at the Priory identified the problem, fixed me up and sent me back on my way.

It turns out that the engine wasn't broken, I had just been driving too fast for too long and had run out of petrol. So these days I tend to drive a little more safely, stick to the speed limits and pay more attention to traffic.

I still like to put the pedal down occassionally. In fact I think it's a good thing to let the motor roar every once in a while. But I've also learnt the importance of stopping to refuel.

So take care of yourselves out there. And if you see someone who has stalled or broken down, why not stop and offer them a ride?

Inevitably at this time of year our thoughts turn towards Christmas, a time of family, happiness and celebration.

I wrote a blog last year, exploring why I found the season difficult, trying to frame a context around what often seems to be a time of low mood in juxtaposition to the season.

12 months on, what has changed? Those same feelings assail me, the same pressure to ‘perform’ or to get Christmas ‘right.’ Perhaps though I have developed a little more of an understanding of it.

The run up to Christmas is inherently stressful as we rush to get presents, put up decorations and remember to send a card to everyone we’ve ever spoken to. But I find that my stress level goes above the norm, anxiety kicking into overdrive. Why?

The root cause is perfectionism.

It is not sufficient to have a ‘good’ Christmas. It is not sufficient to be good enough. Instead I repeatedly ask what the kids want, first to ensure I get it, then to check they still want it. Being kids they change their minds as quick as the adverts appear on the tv and by trying to keep up I am playing a game I can never win. And so I enter Christmas day not with a sense of joy and completeness but a sense of fear that I have failed to deliver, scrutinising faces for a crack of disappointment, scouring the internet for Boxing Day bargains so that I can fill the void of disappointment and make up for my woeful parenting, all the while second guessing whether I have spent too much or not enough.

I understand the ludicrousness of the statement. I understand the irrationality. But the thoughts are there all the same, bubbling their way to the surface, constantly having to be squashed back down. Whatever I do, however much I buy, it can never be good enough for this self-imposed, intangible, unattainable target.

And then after the event, when the dust has settled, a new mood comes in. After the build up to the big day, a sense of deflation. I have experienced this before in the most trivial of circumstances. Cooking the Sunday roast, it is all hands to the pump as I serve up the meat, veg and gravy but instead of sitting back and enjoying the fruits of my labour, I am left with a sense of emptiness that I am at a loss to describe.

And so it is with Christmas. After the big build comes the sudden crash. Where I expect there to be satisfaction I find only absence. I do not understand this emotion. I do not understand my inability to live in and enjoy the moment.

This is not written as a means to wallow. These are not fundamental flaws in my mental make-up that cannot be touched up. I write to share, to explore and to understand. Perhaps others go through similar moods that they too do not understand. My mantra remains the same; I want to change.

And so I revisit the underlying message from last year. If I appear withdrawn, sullen, stressed or moody, I am not simply being a ‘grump.’ I want to be happy. I want to be festive.

But I need to learn how.