1066 All Stars

Day 24 - 24th September

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix minis

Lunch - pork curry with rice

Dinner - Southern Fried Chicken with veg

Dessert - Millionaires Cheesecake

In Between Meal Snacks

Plum

Crisps

Thoughts & Feelings

* Interesting day today. A presentation at work activated a number of mental health triggers, principally that I would get something wrong, not know an answer, feel out of my depth, etc. I was noticeably nervous presenting material to directors and senior managers but delivered it successfully.

* Then, a short time after delivering the presentation, I was faced with two routine pieces of work that almost reduced me to a quivering wreck, causing me to doubt my own judgement. The details are immaterial, suffice to say that both instances served to highlight the job still to be done in rebuilding my confidence and self belief. When put under pressure, I deliver. When given time to think, doubts creep in. There is a lesson there somewhere.

* What is driving these behaviours? There are two principle issues here; 1) hesitation from not knowing the people and processes and 2) an inherent lack of self confidence.

* The first is natural and will settle down with time, although it's impact on me is, I believe, enhanced by the second; lack of confidence. And here some anger comes in over my redundancy. I have said it before but it was never meant to be this way. I wasn't supposed to have to deal with multiple issues at once, I was supposed to ease back in to a safe and supportive environment until I slowly found my feet. Instead, I was metaphorically chucked out onto the street and left to find my own way.

* There are moments when I take confidence fromn my past life (so to speak). There are others when I retreat into my shell, saddened by what I 'lost'. I wonder how many of those around me even notice. Have I become too proficient at wearing the mask?

* But I remind myself, as ever, that thoughts are not actions. It is okay to feel. Sit with it, understand it, then help it on its way.

* Wednesday, so crisps allowed, but boy could I have done with a stonking great family bag all to myself. And a coke.

* The lunchtime walks are becomng harder. Not the act itself, rather the aches and pains after are becoming more noticeable.

* One thing I noticed yesterday was that, in the midst of a low mood, where my previous recourse would have been to a bag of sweets or other sugary treat, it never even crossed my mind to snack. Evidence again that my mind has flicked that mental switch, simply accepting that this regime is the new way of things.

* Does it weird anyone out that I write out all this really personal stuff for the whole world to read?

Day 23 - 23rd September

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix minis

Lunch - pork curry with rice

Dinner - Sausages, chicken nugget and veg

Dessert - 25th anniversary work cake!

In Between Meal Snacks

Plum

Satsuma

2x crackerbread

Thoughts & Feelings

* Mood is much improved today. There is no specific, tangible reason. I am excited to be on the verge of publishing my second book, a collection of flash fiction stories, and that has likley contributed. I can also feel a bit of difference too. My shorts feel looser, my trousers are definitely looser.

* That said, I was incredibly tired in the afternoon. Perhaps I just missed my afternoon tea but I really could have gone for some chocolate.

* The veg heavy dinners are hard work so variety is likely to be the key ingredient.

* I was tempted to go back to my 34inch waist trousers (I gave in some time ago and admitted to myself I needed a 36) however I am conscious of not wanting to disillusion myself if they don't quite fit. It will come.

* I won a competition! Only an online one, no prize or anything but a nice boost nonetheless. It's funny, the story in question (The Caterpillar & The Butterfly) started off as a mental health story, rather than a children's story, but it has proved very popular on Reddit and has drawn a number of positive comments.

Day 22 - 22nd September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Alpen

Lunch - Jacket potato with baked beans

Dinner - Roast pork and vegetables

Dessert - New York Cheesecake

In between meal snacks:

2x Rice cake

Plum

1x mint

Thoughts and Feelings

* A carb free dinner this evening (ruined somewhat by the cheesecake). I have to confess, it was rather dull and that is the hardest part of this regime. All the while I am losing some weight, I can just about retain the motivation to continue but, boy, a bag of chips soaked in salt and vinegar would go down a treat.

* Meals are planned through the week so that I have a main meal (chicken or pork curry with rice) at lunch and then a light dinner, perhaps veg, sald or soup. 

* Declines - chocolate x2

* A difficult day mood wise today with a few things in play. Let's establish some parameters first though. As a society, we tend to use a lot of words for how we feel (mad, annoyed, appalled, elated etc) but there are only four core emotions; fear, anger, sandness and happiness. Breaking feelings down to these base descriptions is important in helping to properly convey how you feel but if people are not used to it, I can appreciate how the words may carry more power.

* So, how did I feel today? Sad mainly. There are a host of reasons why, not all of which I can comfortably blog about (something else that makes me sad). It's okay to feel sad sometimes, the danger is when it overstays its welcome, becoming a permanent state that strays into depression. I feel that this could very easily happen. I have some difficult thoughts to think through and resolve and must tread carefully.

End of week 3 - 22nd September

Starting weight - 12 st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 12lb

New weight - 11st 10lb

Comments

* Well, not exactly an overwhelming weigh in but a reduction nonetheless.

* I rather suspect this will be the pattern moving forward. Realistically, if I could lose a pound a week for the next few weeks, that would be a pretty decent result. It would be nice to get down somewhere near 11st 3lb (the weight I hit during my last concerted healthy living regime) before Christmas. It is not a fixed target, somewhere in that region is fine.

* Losing weight since last week does at least give me the motivation to carry on. So, it will be another week of switched round meals with a carb heavy lunch and a veg heavy dinner with a lunch time walk in between.

Day 21 - 21st September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Alpen

Lunch - Ham, cheese and mustard sandwich

Dinner - Roast pork

Dessert - New York Cheesecake

In between meal snacks:

2x Rice cake

Chocolate chip biscuit 

Apple

Plum

2x grapes

Thoughts and Feelings

* The cheesecake was a little naughty. I may regret it tomorrow at the weigh in.

* I had actually intended to switch my weigh in to Sunday morning but completely forgot.

* I edited some of my blogs today. This is completely alien to me, I usually like to just let them live as written but there was a specific point I wanted to address. The issue itself is irrelevant but it is interesting to me to note my reaction. I felt like I was cheating, as if my blogs were no longer genuine. Nonesense of course, editing is an established and vital part of the writing process.

* Speaking of which, I submitted a couple of pieces to an online website / writing contest. I have received an e-mail from the publication involved advising that I could be considered for publication, subject to some amendments I would need to agree to. I suspect the e-mails are slightly spammy (I received exactly the same wording for both entries) but it was again interesting to me that, rather than being pleased, my first reaction was one of suspicion, looking for the catch somewhere. My second reaction was, ' How dare you think my work needs editing.'

* I have yet to decide how to respond.

* I am on the verge of publishing my second collection and everyone I share my writing with tells me what a great achievement it is to be published. But the thing is, I did it myself and only my friends and family bought copies. It's not like someone in the publishing industry saw my work, thought it was publication worthy and paid me to release it. I still don't feel like a real writer. It feels like the equivalent of setting up a lemonade stall outside your house and the only person who buys a glass is your mum.

Day 20 - 20th September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Alpen

Lunch - Home made vegetable soup with 2x slice of bread

Dinner - Salad with pork chop

Dessert - Jelly and ice cream!

In between meal snacks:

2x Rice cake

Apple

Thoughts and Feelings

* Declines - leftover bolognese (yum, yum)

All those times I said...

...It's fine...

...It doesn't matter...

...I don't mind...

...I'm not bothered...

...I don't care...

...It's no big deal...

...Don't worry about it...

...I didn't take it personally...

... I lied.

Day 19 - 19th September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Alpen

Lunch - Home made vegetable soup with 1x slice of bread

Dinner - Salad with char sui marinaded chicken

Dessert - Tea with 2x biscuits

In between meal snacks:

3x Rice cake

Banana

Apple

1x crackerbread

Thoughts and Feelings

* Really struggling today. The 5am wake up call from Aiden didn't help but I am finding motivation difficult today on a number of levels. I had a moment of 'it's Friday, you're allowed' when munching into the 3rd rice cake of the morning but I am just a couple of days from the next weigh in. I will be very disappointed if I have not lost anything.

* When does a perceived lack of motivation stray into a bout of depression? I am acutely aware that I have recently lost enthusiasm for a number of things. I have very little interest in watching football to the point that I was aggrieved to see a Liverpool game scheduled for broadcast this weekend, meaning I feel an obligation to watch. I have little compulsion to write any fiction, my thoughts straying around the 'why bother' territory. I used to get excited about onwing the latest gadget, now I just think, 'how is this possibly going to enhance my life?'

* But is this depression? Or is it a case of me changing? Getting older? Maturing even? I have 3 kids, it doesn't leave a lot of time for football or films or games. Life is changing. It is no longer about me, others are more important. I'm not sure how I feel about the transition yet, whether I am adjusting or whether it is affecting my mood.

* So hungry this afternoon that I caved and had a crackerbread on the basis that it was 19 calories. For the all the flavour it offered, I would have been as well to lick the desk.

* Declines - chocolate

* You enjoy yourselves, honestly I'm not bothered - McDonalnds

Day 18 - 18th September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Alpen

Lunch - Chicken salad with jacket potato

Dinner - Home made vegetable soup with 1x slice of bread

Dessert - Orange

In between meal snacks:

Rice cake

Banana

Thoughts and Feelings

* With Karen ill, I have unexpectedly spent the day at home looking after the kids, which throws the usual routine out the window. Despite this, I managed to squeeze in some exercise by walking to collect the girls from nursery.

* Bizarrely, I still got dressed for work and sat around in my work clothes all day.

* Not being at work brings its own anxiety. I am not ill and so I feel like  a fraud or a cheater being off. Family of course comes first ( I almost threw in a should there). The fact that my mindset doesn't automatically do this, prioritising work over all else, is interesting and, as mindfulness teaches, I will not judge it. 

* I wrote a blog yesterday expressing a few things that were on my mind. Reading it back is uncomfortable, there are thoughts and feelings expressed which I find embarrasing to have put in the public domain. But there were things that needed saying. No regrets.

* It is very difficult cooking food for other people when trying to resist it yourself.

* Declines - chips, ice cream

* I really fancy a burger.

Day 17 - 17th September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Alpen

Lunch - Chicken salad with new potatoes

Dinner - Home made vegetable soup

Dessert - Orange

In between meal snacks:

Apple

Crisps

Banana

Thoughts and Feelings

* A disrupted start to the day with Aiden awake since 5 and then Karen coming down with something, meaning that I went to work late.

* Wednesday, which means crisp day. I noticed that I was not that bothered about having them and would have been quite content to go without but, having opened the packet, I could quite happily have stuffed my fat little face with baked corn goodness for the rest of the afternoon.

* No exercise today as I was late to the office so not taking a lunch break. A shame but one day is not a disaster.

* Despite apparently putting on weight, my trousers are noticeably looser. Damn you, biology!

* This week marks the one year anniversary of my redundancy from my job of 12+ years, which in turn meant an abrupt end to my therapy. It stirs up some interesting feelings, which I shall explore in a longer blog post. Suffice to say, I have come a long way, but there is still a long way to go.

* Declines - donut, leftovers, purple cauliflower...