1066 All Stars

Sunday

Starting weight - 11st 0lbs (Monday)

Ending weight - 11st 0lbs (Sunday)

Highest weight - 11st 1lbs (Saturday)

Lowest weight - 10st 12lbs (Friday)

Thoughts

Well, that was a big waist (see what I did there?) of time.

Saturday

Yesterday's weight - 10st 13lbs

Today's weight - 11st 1lbs

Food Log

* Balance ceral with sultanas

* 2x rice cakes

* Ham and salad baguette (lunch)

* Salad (dinner)

* Jam tart (dessert)

Thoughts

* The worst of all possible results. As I climbed on the scales I had an impending sense of dread that I would have gone back to 11st but never envisaged I would reach 11st 1lb.

* My immediate thoughts are regret and self recrimination. I shouldn't have eaten all those chips. I should have bought the 2 portion box. I should have just had a salad.

* But some balance is required. My weight has steadily decreased all week to an all time (measured) low. I have proven time and again that I can lose and maintain my weight. This one off may have spiked my weight but the chances are that it will be back down tomorrow and undoubtedly back below 11st by early next week.

* At the same time it is a note of caution that my good work could very easily be undone by succumbing too often to the temptation of junk food. Once in a while is okay, I can manage that. Any more often and my weight could very quickly shoot back up.

* As a result of this disappointing result, I will carry on the food log today and weigh in for the final time tomorrow. Back to the salad today.

Friday

Yesterday's weight - 10st 13lbs

Today's weight - 10st 12lbs

Food Log

* Strawberry & yoghurt crisp cereal / Balance ceral with sultanas

* 2x rice cakes

* 3x Fruit slice (1 pack)

* Apple

* Egg and cress sandwich and yoghurt (lunch)

* Cook...er, training food. Yeah, that's it.

* 3 piece chicken variety meal, baby! Nom, nom,nom (dinner)

* Fresh air (dessert)

Exercise

Walking - 50 mins

Thoughts

* Yesterday was difficult. I had real bad cravings and went to bed feeling really hungry. But I am rewarded this morning with my lowest weight yet.

* That weight in turn influences my actions. Yesterday I had been all set to eat some filth today as a treat, Post weigh in, I no longer want to eat unhealhily as I want to maintain this new lower weight.

* But this is the point of the daily challenge, to monitor the minutaie, to see the immediate impact of my decisions and what patterns emerge.

* At the same time, it reveals an underlying insecurity.When the diet started, I wanted to reach 12st, which I did. Then I wanted to reach 11st 7lbs, which I did. Then 11st 3lbs, then 11st, then sub-11st, all of which I did. Now I want to reach 10st 6lbs.

But when will it ever be enough? When can I say to myself, 'Hey you've done a good job there, you deserve a break now, regardless of if you put on a pound or two'? This is very much a 'real world' behaviour whereby I can never relax, my fight / flight response always kicked into high gear so that my mind feels there is always a threat, a constant danger to overcome. This heightened state leads to anxiety, which in turn can lead to depression.

So, what should I do? Should I indulge or no? If yes, do I weigh myself the next day and try to impassionately observe the results, whcih will more than likely result in disappointment and regret when I see my weight increase by a digit? Or do I avoid a weigh in, allow myself the freedom but accept the state of doubt, and therefore anxiety, that comes with it? 

These are trivial questions of course, but they get to the heart of the indecision that haunts me every hour of every day that ultimately feeds my anxiety cycyle.

I am aware, that is good. But clearly further work is required to overcome.

* Blimey, that was all a bit deep for 7am.

* As lunchtime came I considered a McDonalds but I really had a hankering for chicken and chips. I didn't want such filling, greasy food at lunch so settled on a sandwich.

* The evening meal therefore becomes the main meal. I pondered the 2 piece variety meal based on the price but decided, hey, if you're gonna go for it, go big or go home, right? So I splashed out and went for the full bad boy. Although as I type I have taken a mid session interval with a wing, piece and a handful of chips still left.

* I did make up for it to some extent with a little unanticipated walk. I couldn't find a parking space and so had to HIKE to the ruddy chicken shop. I would have been as well to have parked on the drive.

* One final weigh in tomorrow morning with some thoughts but I can't be bothered to maintain the food log for another day. I am expecting to creep up a pound but I will be disappointed if I have gone back over the 11st threshold.

Thursday

Yesterday's weight - 10st 13lbs

Today's weight - 10st 13lbs

Food Log

* Tiger toast with jam and sultanas

* Chocolate chip brioche roll

* 2x rice cakes

* 3x Fruit slice (1 pack)

* Apple

* Chocolate chip cookie

* Chicken Tonight with peas (lunch)

* French onion soup (dinner)

* Lemon fancy (dessert)

Exercise

Walking - 40 mins

Thoughts

* Exercise is somewhat curtailed today as I have a training session in the afternoon and don't wish to be all sweaty and smelly in a room full of people.

* There was no way the toast was getting me through the morning and so drawing on the experience I referenced in Monday's blog, the brioche roll filled a gap. The chocolate element isn't ideal but it is important whilst maintaining an exercise routine to ensure calories are still coming on board.

* The cookie was somewhat unnecessary but I figured a little treat to keep me going through a training session was a reasonable concession.

* Man, dinner was hard work tonight. I really wanted something substantial and I had a big old hankering for a kebab and chips. I have to be careful not to allow resentment to build up. Not only will it lead to me blowing my diet in an orgy of carbs and calories but it also risks affecting my mood which in the long term can very quickly escalate into a depression. I may allow myself to let off some steam this weekend and eat something indulgent.

Wednesday

Yesterday's weight - 11st 0lbs

Today's weight - 10st 13lbs

Food Log

* Choco caramel cereal with sultanas

* 2x rice cakes

* 3x Fruit slice (1 pack)

* Apple

* Crisps

* 2x slice leftover pork

* Chicken and bacon salad (lunch)

* Chicken Tonight with vegetables (dinner)

* Jam tart (dessert)

Exercise

Walking - 40 mins

Thoughts

* Wednesday, which means crisp day. Although to be honest I wasn't that fussed about eating them. I'm not sure that points to any great dietary change so much as the fact that I am bored of munching my way through the pack of monster munch I bought weeks ago. That's the trouble with having one packet a week, it takes you an age to get through the bag.

* My first movement in weight and it will be interesting to see from here if it maintains for a few days or fluctuates straight back up.

* Limited walking today as a result of lunchtime chores.

* There have been two incidents in the last week, both work related, that have spiked my anxiety. The details are irrelevant but of interest to me was the lie I told to myself. ideally, both incidents would have been assessed, dealt with or parked. Instead they consumed me, all my mental energies were tied into worrying about them. And here is the lie; I told myself that it was okay to spend some time being anxious, that I would allow myself some 'worry time' then box it off and put it to one side. But I never did. I kept worrying. At work, on the drive home, with the kids, the next morning.

* I tried to step back from these incidents and wonder why they caused me anxiety and I think it comes down to a lack of control. By not dealing with an issue at source, I allowed it to snowball into something bigger. To resolve, I had to take positive action, take my power back.

* A different anxiety - I bought myself a book / magazine today for £10. But the decision to buy was agonising. Having just been paid an annual bonus, a £10 treat to self is not unreasonable and yet I was momentarily paralysed by indecision.

The item itself is not important (who am I kidding, it was an awesome retro gaming mag on the Amiga) but why was the decision so difficult. This cuts to the heart of my mental illness experience whereby I have seemingly lost perspective on decisions. Whatever I do, I judge myself as wrong.

Tuesday

Yesterday's weight - 11st 0lbs

Today's weight - 11st 0lbs

Food Log

* Choco caramel cereal with sultanas

* 2x rice cakes

* 3x Fruit slice (1 pack)

* Apple

* Yoghurt

* pork with rice, peas and carrots in chilli sauce (lunch)

* Chicken curry with veg (dinner)

* Lemon fancy (dessert)

Exercise

Walking - 1 hour

Thoughts

* Second day and no change in weight.

* A strong craving for sweets today. I needed some milk from Sainsbury's but was worried I would give in and buy a bag of midget gems. So I employed some straight up avoidance and skipped the shops completely. I have sacrificed an afternoon cup of tea but I think it was worth it.

* It does raise another point though about denying vs treating myself. There is a danger that I have swung too far the other way; where once I would indulge whenever I liked, now I feel as if I can't even sniff a chocolate hob nob without feeling guilty, exemplified by declining the offer of a celebratory cream bun in the office. Clearly there is a balance to be drawn somewhere.

* My healthy living regime has undoubtedly been a Good Thing as I have lost 18lbs. But I remain disappointed at the apparent lack of health benefit. I remain tired, I struggle for concentration, I remain spotty.

* But here is the biggest difficulty with mental illness; how much of this is down to fitness, interest and biology and how much is down to depression and anxiety? I find it a real struggle to understand if I should push harder or be kinder to myself to the point that any decision, including lack thereof, is rendered inherently wrong as there are so many other possibilities.

* The hardest thing about living with mental illness is the expectation from others that you will still carry on as normal.

Weigh in time has become somewhat of a frustration as I dip above and below 11st. So I though I would try something different.

I will weigh in every morning and track the natural fluctuations in weight. At the end of the week, I will see both where I end up and what my average weight was over the week to give me a true reflection.

At the same time, I will track what I'm eating and how much exercise I have done, as well as monitoring my mood.

Monday

Weight - 11st 0lbs

Food Log

* Choco caramel cereal with sultanas

* 2x strawberries

* Brunch bar

* 2x rice cakes

* 3x Fruit slice (1 pack)

* Apple

* Yoghurt

* Irish Stew (lunch)

* Pork with vegetables and chilli sauce (dinner)

* Jam tart (dessert)

Exercise

Walking - 1 hour

Thoughts

* The first thing that strikes me when I look at the above is - that's a lot of food! 

* It may seem strange but one thing my regime has taught me is that you do not diet yourself slim. To an extent, I am eating my way slim. I'm not sure about the science but my own experience teaches me that when I am hungry I get tired and when I'm tired my mood drops. And so within reason I eat when I am hungry, throughout the morning, before having lunch.

* That said, choco caramel cereal and a chocolate brunch bar were slightly unnecessary but they were in the cupboard and needed eating. And hey, I might want to lose weight, but I paid good money for these suckers.

* Despite this, I found I was incredibly hungry in the afternoon, drive time thoughts preoccupied with fantasies about KFC. Clearly I need to rethink the balance of eating whilst retaining the core principle of limited carbs after 3pm.

* I felt somewhat agitated in the morning but my overriding thought in reaction to this was that I wanted to get out and exercise. A reminder once again that we can change our mindsets, create new paths for ourselves.

* The downside to vigorous exercise is that it can leave me feeling physically tired, which accumulates by the weekend, exacerbated by being woken up 2-3 times a night.

Parts 1-6 of this feature can be found in the Videogames section, here.

PC

If my early forays into PC gaming were somewhat half hearted, from 2000 onwards, it has come to dominate my gaming landscape.

One of the key differences between PC and console gaming is that everyone's experience will differ. Nothwithstanding HD screens versus SD, a console experience by design will be uniform. One PS3 is identical in power to another PS3.

Not so with PCs. From low end to mid-range to ultra high end gaming rigs, each person's experience may differ depending on their set up.

This is reflected in my own PC journey. After ditching my original Advent, I felt comfortable building my own machine. Now, when I say, building my own, what I really mean is nagging my more technically minded mate to come and do it for me.

I was really pleased with this machine, an AMD processer running at something like 2.1ghz, with a reasonable level of memory and a decent graphics card Or so I thought (more later).

As would become a recurrent theme, I used it primarily for Championship Manager (as it was at the time). This spell marked a rare point where I engaged in multiplayer FM with my flatmate and I was rewarded with one of my most satisfying careers. There were other games too but these were often bought and discared. The Sims, Escape From Monkey Island, Star Wars Force Commander, various Star Trek games. It is a theme I will return to in another post.

Sadly my time with the machine was undermined by an issue with the graphics card, the screen freezing up randomly, the blue screen of death becoming a regular house guest.

This period of time gave me confidence to fiddle, to get into the guts of the machine but after the frustration of the graphics card crashes, I wanted some stability next time. And so I went with a Dell. Nothing fancy, nothing spectacular, just a good all round machine that served me well for many years.

By this time, the internet was the king of PC interaction. Whilst the majority of my game time remained focused on Football Manager, digital downloads began to come to the fore, led by Steam, which I came across when I bought The Orange Box. What a great idea this was, games available literally at your fingertips. And they always had sales on! My game collection would triple in size overnight as I snapped up the £3 and £4 bargains. I never played them of course. But how could I pass up the bargain?

Eventually my demands needed something more powerful and I got the itch to build another machine. This time I had the confidence to go it alone and, with just a quick phone call to check how to install the fan, I built my current rig. Quad core, 64 bit, bags of RAM, this machine would last me a while.

And for the first time I started to actually play some of my games. FM continued to doninate for sure, but there have been plenty of other highlights. Having started Half Life 2 before aborting, I decided to pick up the first game on the cheap and play that through first. Graphically it had aged but it was a fantastic experience, a clever FPS that, whilst packed with all out shooty bits, is equally adept at puzzle solving, exploration and mood. I have yet to go back to Half Life 2 but it remains very much on the agenda.

Having spent a short amount of time With Star Wars: Dark Forces in my youth, I was keen to play Star Wars Jedi Knight 2: Jedi Outcast. It had sat unplayed for some years but when I finally came to it I was rewarded with a rich FPS. Challenging, varied and perfectly capturing the spirit of the source material, this is one of the best Star Wars games I have played.

Other games shined. I went back and played Doom, the Godfather of modern FPS games. Race Driver Grid is a superb blend of aracde and simulation racing and deserves further game time. Lord of the Rings: Battle For Middle Earth is the type of game that I often buy, play a bit of and then discard. Instead I played it through to completion, the simple controls, decent visuals and once again the appeal of the source material combining to form an excellent whole.

Other games remain under explored, both Steam and otherwise. Rome Total War, World of Warcraft, Tales From Monkey Island, Bioshock, Knights of the Old Republic amongst others. I still plan to get round to each of them in time.

But there is one other aspect of PC gaming that came to fore, which brings us full circle.

Retro Gaming

My first experience of emulation was MAME. This was like finding a treasure trove, all these games from my youth that I never had the money to complete. Suddenly I could go back and finish Final Fight, Golden Axe, Dragon Ninja, Teenage Mutant Hero (Ninja) Turtles, Tecmo World Cup '90, Final Round and dozens of others.

I was also introduced to an early version of Amiga Forever. It was a bit cumbersome to use, technical knowledge was required to get the best out of it. And I didn't know where to get the ROMs from.

But from these early roots, Amiga Forever has grown into a superb, user friendly application. I operate the 2011 version which comes with support for the CD32 and with the resources of Rom and emulation sites such as this, almost any game in Amiga history is available for immediate play.

The Amiga has such a vast game librabry that it can be a little overwhelming to know where to start. But aside from revisiting some of my own gaming experiences, replaying the likes of Cannon Fodder and Lotus, I also look forward to trying some of the games I never bought, the likes of Harlequin, Exile or Populous perhaps.

Emulation also allows me to catch up on some of the consoles I missed first time around. The obvious contenders are games mentioned throughout this series, such as Zelda, with the Megadrive and SNES in particular chock full of games ripe for emulation.

Retro gaming is more than simply reliving your youth. It is an interactive history lesson, a chance to preseve the work of the many talented developers and artists who helped the industry become what it is today.

The Future

Phew! It's been quite an adventure down the years. but what does my future of gaming hold?

As a parent (including twins), time is a commodity that I am somewhat shorter on than in the past. So that means that game time is limited. To an extent my gaming is on hold. I have no plans to buy any new games, no immediate plans to buy another console. Instead I look forward to tackling my stack of unplayed games as time allows, or dipping into my past through emulation. Perhaps I can even teach the kids a thing or two.

Speaking of which, I suspect that they may play a role in any potential future purchase. Once Uncharted 4 drops I'm sure there will be a strong pull to grab a PS4 but it seems more likely that a Wii U might be picked up on the cheap at some point so that the kids can play Mario Kart or some other family focused game.

Handheld wise, I would like to expore the possibility of running emulation software on my PSP. It seems a natural fit if possible and a good home for some of the arcade based games from the 16 bit era. The JXD Retro Gaming Tablet also looks interesting but the price is a barrier for me at the moment.

And finally more of this; a period of reflection, exploring my love of games. The documentary Bedroom to Billions looks fascinating and I hope to pick it up at some point. In the meantime, I will enjoy writing, reliving my youth and filling in the gaps in my gaming past.

Now, time to get playing. Let's go Mr Driver.

Parts 1-5, covering Atari right up to PS3, can be found in the Videogames section, here.

Handhelds

Gaming on the move has been a part of my videogame landscape from the outset. From the early game and watch series right through to modern phones, the smaller screen has played host to some innovative titles.

So let's take a look at some of the notable handheld devices, some owned, some played, others admired from afar.

Game Boy / Game Gear  Lynx

I never owned one of these and never really saw the appeal of the Game Boy to be honest. The 'killer app' was of course Tetris, a game (or perhaps genre) that just left me cold.

Perhaps at a more fundamental level I just couldn't get past the shonky graphics and colour. 

The Game Gear and Lynx looked much more like the real deal, the full colour, detailed graphics really giving the impression that you were playing a mobile Megadrive.

But as a staunch Amiga man, the games were foreign to me and so I never felt a strong pull to invest.

And thus pretty much the entire phenomenon of handheld gaming from my youth passed me by virtually unscathed.

Playstation Portable

Picked up as an impulse purchase at the start of my Honeymooon (I know, she's a lucky lady), the PSP promised PS2 quality visuals and game experience in the palm of the hand.

Initial purchases were FIFA 2008 and Ratchet & Clank, a series I had yet to play to that point. FIFA seemed to fit the bill of handheld gaming; quick, uncomplicated, the type of thing you can have a quick game of on the bog. It was good fun, the challenge mode in particular offering some longevity after I quickly got bored of simply churning through matches.

It was some time before I played Ratchet & Clank: Size Matters and I was belatedly rewarded with an excellent game. Great graphics and sound, a tough challenge and levels that drew a fine balance between satisfying length and suitability for quick gaming sessions.

In a similar vein, God of War: Chains of Olympus was my first experience with the series and whilst obviously a stripped down version of the real thing, this is another excellent title. I hope to find time at some point to revisit the PS2 / PS3 versions.

Burnout Dominator remains a perennial favourite, the type of game that can go unplayed for months but very quickly become a fixture again. The graphics can be a little squinty at times, but the speed, the variety, the adrenalin rush of the full titles are present and correct.

Football Manager Handheld was picked up for about £2. It was an older version (2005 I think) and it was okay but I couldn't really get into it. The point of FM for me is to get lost in the detail, something the handheld version cannot hope to replicate. But it was a good effort.

Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core has received some attention but, whilst enjoyable, the plot is baffling, the combat monotonous, the cut scenes annoyingly unskippable and the leveling up system frustrating. As a result, I find myself part way through and unlikely to see through to the end.

My most enjoyable game time was spent with GTA: Liberty / Vice City Stories. It seems impossible but this truly was the PS2 experience boiled down to a handheld, with few compromises apparent in the transfer. The mission structure is perfectly suited to the medium, the game feeling like a natural extension of the series rather than a shorehorned extra.

As with other systems, a handful of games have stacked up and remained either untouched or underplayed. Metal Gear: Portable Ops and Silent Hill: Origins are both intriguing but have so far had minimal play time. Sega Megadrive collection seems an obvious fit for a device such as this but despite my love of retro gaming, I somehow never found the motivation to play for any serious amount of time.

There have been subsequent versions of course in the guise of the PSP Go and PSP Vita, refining the model and ditching the defunct UMD format.

Ultimately though the PSP will go down as somewhat of a novelty in my collection. I would sometimes play almost out of obligation of having bought the device rather than a genuine desire to experience the games. But there are some quality titles to be found and the system remains a worhtwhile addition.

Nintendo DS

Reminiscent of the old clam shell style game and watch Donkey Kong game I owned many years before, the DS would become one of the most successful handhelds of all time, Nintendo doubling up their grip on the family market with the Wii

Purchased as a gift for the wife, initial forays were the casual gaming tat that proliferated the market, such as Brain Training and its ilk.

But the usual favourites soon came to the fore. Super Mario was a perfect fit, making good use of the format, the short but challenging levels perfect for a spot of lunch time platforming. Similarly Mario Kart boils down perfectly to the smaller format, the dual screen really adding something by allowing the map to display at all times, effectively negating the impact of the wretched black ink weapon.

And Sonic, which still seems weird for a Nintendo console. I have yet to finish, the game simply not as consistently engaging as Mario, but another good quality title that is perfect for gaming on the go.

Other games have so far escaped me but I look forward to picking them up on the cheap somewhere down the line. Professor Layton, GTA: Chinatown Wars, Nintendogs (er, for the kids. Yeah, the kids). And I hope to find time to play Zelda, a series I have heard great things about but somehow missed out on.

As with the Wii, the DS crosses generational boundaries, in some respects being all things to all people. Whilst I appreciated the traditional arcade style games, wifey found time for Zelda, Spyro and some mind numbing puzzle game.

As with the PSP, this remains a device I feel that I have failed to experience the best of. Time spent with it was fun but it would sit gathering dust far more than it would being played, which is a shame.

Casual Games / Mobile

Of course these days, a dedicated handheld gaming device is almost obselete, most of us carrying a powerful miniature PC around in our pockets in the shape of our phones.

The casual gaming trend began in earnest with Facebook games such as Farmville. I never played but the wife loved it, revealing a trend from publishers of games targeted at a female audience, gaming no longer the preserve of boys.

The games themselves were dreck, just resource gathering snooze fests that worked by encouraging you to share with your friends to unlock more content.

The rise of mobile and tablet gaming took the quantitiy of this dross to a whole other level. You can't navigate the app store without stumbling across Castle this or Clash that. The things even have adverts, featuring bright cartoon graphics that bear no resemblance to the actual game.

Reflecting the family friendly nature of the new gaming trend, the Google Play Store also has a number of games for kids. Dressing up princesses, building cakes and more to keep the little ones entertained while you try to get five blissful minutes of peace and quiet.

In amongst all this garbage, some good games can still be found. Titles like Subway Sufers and Temple Run are back to basics arcade titles at heart. There is no narrative, no end point, just you against the points tally, constantly trying to push your score higher.

Other games such as Angry Birds, one of the original mobile phenomenons, is actually quite a clever little puzzle game, the short levels a perfect time filler whilst you wait for an appointment or for the toaster to pop. And if you dig deep enough, there are shooters, drivers and more, decent quality games with high quality production values.

And the best thing about these games is the price tag - free. Well, kinda. Nothing is truly free of course, game time split between playing and navigating away from incessent advertising. But that seems a reasonable sacrafice to make. After all, what possible incentive could there be for a company to release completely free software, they've got to make some money somewhere.

There are paid for titles of course, established franchises such as Football Manager or GTA. I have yet to indulge. Part of me resents the thought of paying for games when free ones are available, part of me has no interest trying to navigate the touch screen controls.

Undoubtedly my favourite mobile was the Sony Xperia Play, which slid out to become a miniature Playstation pad. What a great idea! Except that it was crap. No publishers really invested in it and so it never took off, but I did manage to run Crash Bandicoot on it, a great game on any device. Unfortunately my time with it was limited as poor design meant that the screen did not last the life of my contract, the handset ditched in a sea of bitterness and resentment. And so it is back to a standard handset and the free fare available on the Play store.

My concern with these types of games is that they will become the standard. Will companies continue to invest in new consoles and expensive titles if they can make more money from 'free' titles via advertising and in-app purchases? Might this become a self fulfilling prophesy, the market eating itself as it becomes saturated in the gooey fat of clan war clones?

Join me for part 7, as the final instalment of my videogame journey takes us to modern PC gaming and looks ahead to what my gaming future might hold.

Last weight - 10 st 13lbs

New weight - 11st 0lbs

Target weight - 10st 6lbs

Thoughts

* Not a disaster, and perhaps reflective of natural fluctuations in weight, but disappointing to tip back over the 11st line.

* This should be seen in the context of a difficult week. Exercise was interrupted and of course Wednesday brought challenges of its own. Generally though I find that I am more likely to allow a snack here and there. Not a great problem, I have lost enough weight that the occassional biscuit is unlikely to break the scales. But if I want to achieve my target, I will need to make a choice to say no.

* Mood wise I have been finding things increasingly difficult. Anxiety is a constant issue but I am also conscious of moments of low mood that, if left unchecked, can very easily develop into a longer term depression.

What is the cause? As ever the answer is somewhat complicated.

1) Parenting - it is hard. Being a parent of multiples is even harder. It is a constant demand, there is never time off, there is always something to be done. This is the life I chose and so it is important to find a way through but that does not negate the difficulty.

2) Routine - I am bored of the monotony. Life is just a wash, rinse and repeat cycle of get up, go to work, come home, look after kids, short relax and then bed. I need a break, I need a change. And yet here is the great contradiction of anxiety - when presented with a change of routine (meeting friends, a party etc) my immediate reaction is one of resistance, an unfounded fear of how I will cope which restricts my level of activity.

3) Mindfulness - I cannot believe that my redundancy still plays on my mind and yet it does. Any time a situation presents itself that is in any way comparable to my last job, it generates pangs of regret and sadness as a crushing realisation passes over me of what once was compared to what now is. In many ways my life now is better - I leave on time, I have far less stress, I don't work from home - yet my mind clings to the status of old, regardless of how bad it was for my health.

3) Lack of support - Probably the most difficult aspect is the need and expectation from others to carry on. It is almost as though my 3 month stay in a mental hospital never happened. I did not simply go in, get fixed and come out all better. I was broken. The Priory showed me how I could fix myself but my redundancy meant that I left before all the pieces could be put back together. Now I am trying to figure out where they all go and I don't always get it right.

I think of it like this - imagine you could pack your life into a bag. Over the years you accumulate lots of stuff, some of which you don't need. Many of us are efficient at throwing the unnecessary stuff away or are strong enough to carry our bags. But some of us need help.

The Priory not only helped to empty my bags of rubbish, they even helped me carry them for a while. It felt great. But then all of a sudden I had to carry them by myself again, had to make my own decisions about what I kept and what I discarded. Sometimes I travelled light, but often times my bags would become full to bursting and all I wanted was someone to help carry the load.