1066 All Stars

Once upon a time there was a girl called Poppy.

She was a normal little girl but she had a very big problem. A poo problem.

You see Poppy didn’t like to do her poo on the toilet.

She didn’t mind doing her wee on the toilet but she refused to do her poo. Instead, she made mummy get the potty.

‘But the potty is for babies,’ said mummy. 'You’re 5 now, a big girl.’

‘I want my potty!’ screamed Poppy.

Mummy tried hiding it, tried telling Poppy it had gone to the potty fairy, even tried putting it in the toilet. But Poppy still said the same thing.

‘I want my potty!’

One day, mummy tried to make Poppy do a poo on the toilet but she screamed and screamed and then screamed some more until eventually mummy let her use the potty.

The next day, daddy asked her why she wouldn’t use the toilet.

‘Because of the monster,’ said Poppy.

‘What monster?’ said daddy.

‘The monster in the toilet that pinches your bum,’ said Poppy.

‘But you do your wee on the toilet. Does the monster pinch you then?’

‘Silly daddy,’ said Poppy. ‘The monster only pinches poo bums!’

And so each day, Poppy would do her poo on the potty. But it was getting harder to fit on. The potty wasn’t meant for big five year old girls.

Then one night when Poppy was asleep, she woke up needing the toilet. She climbed out of bed, went to the bathroom and sat on the toilet to do her wee. But as she did her wee, something strange happened. A bit of poo popped out.

Poppy screamed and jumped off the toilet, but in the dark, she couldn’t see what was in front of her and got tangled up and trapped.

‘Mummy! Daddy!’

Mummy and daddy rushed in and switched on the light to see what was going on.

‘P..p..poo!’ wailed Poppy. ‘Monster!’

‘That’s not a monster,’ said mummy. ‘You’ve wrapped yourself up in the towel.’

‘B…but…poo,’ said Poppy.

So daddy had a look in the toilet. And sure enough, there was a little poo.

‘Did the monster pinch your bum?’ asked daddy?

Poppy stopped sobbing and wiped her eyes. ‘N..no,’ she said.

So daddy flushed it away and said to Poppy, ‘Look, it’s gone.’

‘Where did it go?’ Poppy asked.

‘I gave it to the monster,’ said daddy. ‘He likes poo. That’s why he lives in the toilet.’

The next day after school, Poppy needed the toilet. A few minutes later, mummy heard a shout from upstairs.

‘Mummy, I did a poo!’

Mummy walked up the stairs and into the bathroom to empty the potty. But to her surprise, Poppy was sat on the toilet.

‘Where’s the potty?’ asked mummy.

‘I don’t need that silly thing anymore, mummy,’ said Poppy. ‘I can do my poo on the toilet.’

‘But what about the monster?’

‘Oh he’s a nice monster, mummy!’ beamed poppy. ‘He likes my poo and takes it away.’

‘Well then,’ smiled mummy, 'let’s send him this one.’

And together mummy and Poppy flushed the poo away.

Current weight - 11st 2lbs

Short term target weight - 11st

Long term target weight - 10st 6lbs

Food Log

Breakfast - Crunchy oat something or other

Lunch - Toasted cheese and ham sandwich, 4x cocktail sausages, fruit bake bar, Brunch bar, crisps, 2 grapes

Dinner - Pork chop with salad

Dessert - 2x chocolate eclair

Snacks - Quarter of mince pie

Drinks - Insufficient water, tea

Exercise

Parenting

Current weight - 11st 3lbs

Short term target weight - 11st

Long term target weight - 10st 6lbs

Food Log

Breakfast - Bran Flakes with sultanas

Lunch - Cheese and tomato maked bread, 3x cocktail sausages, 2x grapes, 1x fruit bake bar

Dinner - Burger and chips

Dessert - Chocolate eclair

Snacks - 1x snack-a-jack, handful of chips, quarter of leftover mini pizza

Drinks - Insufficient water, tea

Exercise

Walking - 25 minutes

Thoughts

* Well I finally succumbed to that burger I had been craving all week. I am alreading having food guilt. Oh well, the weigh in tomorrow will reveal all. I will be very annoyed if I have crept up a pound but ultimately must accept what is.

* The weekend, which so often seems to bring a low mood and so it proved today. There is perhaps a danger that I am telegraphing this behaviour; I worry it will happen and in so doing turn it into a self fulfilling prophesy.

* So what drives it? It is I believe a combination of genuinely being tired from a week at work combined with a sense of resentment at not getting a break. The kids are up at the same time regardless and whilst the girls would happily jump into the bed and watch telly for a bit, Aiden wants feeding, like an ornery goat, forcing me to get up. I then stomp around like a bear with a sore head for most of the day, snapping, shouting and sulking before the inevitable wave of guilt and shame sweeps in to finish the job. Almost inevitably by Sunday, normal mood order is restored.

* The answer of course lies with mindfulness, a technique I admire greatly but find so hard to implement. Mindfulness teaches us to accept what is rather than wasting on energy on thoughts of what was or what could be. It does not preclude us from seeking change, far from it, but urges a sense of living in the moment and dealing with what you find. It is a skill I wish to master but I remain a novice for now.

Current weight - 11st 3lbs

Short term target weight - 11st

Long term target weight - 10st 6lbs

Food Log

Breakfast - Bran Flakes with sultanas

Lunch - Jacket with beans

Dinner - Mr Brains Faggots with veg

Dessert - Mince pie

Snacks - Brunch bar, banana, 3x snack-a-jacks, 2x Go Ahead biscuits

Drinks - 1.5l water, tea

Exercise

Walking - 45 minutes

Thoughts

* I'm not sure what was wrong with me this morning but I left the house as if I was jumping on the party bus, bounding into the car like an over eager puppy, much to the annoyance of my co-pilot.

* Still no movement in weight. I am wondering if the (admittedly large) jackets might have been a mistake. Still, it is important to take on calories, especially when I am maintaining an exercise regime, I don't want to fall for the folly of thinking less calories = healthier lifestyle. Less crap, yes but healthy calories need to be maintained.

* Overall it has been a fairly balanced mood week. The regime is imbedded into my routine such that it is little effort to maintain it. Chocolates and doughnuts have been swept aside with nary a second thought.

Current weight - 11st 3lbs

Short term target weight - 11st

Long term target weight - 10st 6lbs

Food Log

Breakfast - Bran Flakes with sultanas

Lunch - Cheese and pickle sandwich

Dinner - Chilli and lime coated fish with veg

Dessert - Mince pie

Snacks - Apple, brunch bar, Go Ahead fruit bar (pack of 3), 2x snack-a-jacks, Orange, 2x Go Ahead biscuits

Drinks - 1.5l water, tea

Exercise

Walking - 30 mins

Thoughts

* I almost had a burger and chips for dinner but a last minute change of circumstances led to the usual meat & veg arrangement.

* I felt almost relieved. As tasty as the burger would have been, I know I would have regretted it and the guilt at the next weight increase would have been palpable. Whatever happens with my weight tomorrow, I ate healthily and can therefore more readily accept what is.

* Talking of weight, no movement at all so far this week. I would like to drop a pound by Sunday but I'll accept breaking even. I am over a year into this new mindset and, similar to last year, a target weight of 11-11st 2lbs by Christmas seems both achievable and satisfactory.

Current weight - 11st 3lbs

Short term target weight - 11st

Long term target weight - 10st 6lbs

Food Log

Breakfast - Bran Flakes with sultanas

Lunch - Jacket with spaghetti, cheese and chicken leg

Dinner - Chicken curry with veg

Dessert - Mince pie

Snacks - Apple, brunch bar, handful of gone off blueberries, crisps, Go Ahead fruit bar (pack of 3), Go Ahead biscuits (x2)

Drinks - 1.5l water, tea

Exercise

Walking - 1 hour

Thoughts

* Crisp day! Although I made sure to buy some with a low calorie count. Every Little Helps.

* I thought about getting up to go on the exercise bike this morning in case my lunchtime walk was rained off but decided against it on the basis that I was already tired after a couple of nights of disrupted sleep. Aiden's subsequent early rise vindicated the decision. It is important to recognise these decisions; rather than blundering on, grinding myself down, feeling tired and resentful, I made a sensible choice to forego the bike, even if it cost me that day's exercise. Clearly some activity is preferable but it is reassuring that I have reached a point of being able to make a balanced, thought out decision without the guilt or anxiety that usually accompanies it.

* A better day mood wise today. A less disrupted sleep has no doubt helped but I have also noted a pattern where my mood is low(er) on Monday and Tuesday and I seem to emerge into light by Wednesday. I'm not sure why. There is the obvious cause of nearing the end of the working week of course but given that a lot of my stress comes from parenthood, rather than from work, I'm not sure it is that simple. One to keep an eye on.

Current weight - 11st 3lbs

Short term target weight - 11st

Long term target weight - 10st 6lbs

Food Log

Breakfast - Bran Flakes with sultanas

Lunch - Jacket with beans, cheese and chicken

Dinner - Chicken in white wine and cream sauce

Dessert - Mince pie

Snacks - Apple, banana, brunch bar, 3x strawberries, 2x snack-a-jacks, Go Ahead fruit bar (pack of 3)

Drinks - 1.5l water, tea, 1x diet coke

Exercise

Exercise bike (35 mins + entertaining early riser Aiden)

Walking - 20 mins

Thoughts

* I always find it interesting how much more disciplined a food log makes me. I try to be meticulous in logging absolutely everything I eat to the point that I reach into the fridge for, say, the milk, and see a pack of open sausages or some scraps of leftover chicken and as much as I want it, I resist on the basis that it would have to go on the log. As long as you are absolutely, ruthlessly honest, it is a fantastic tool for dietary management.

* A harder day today. My mood is noticeably lower, a simmering anger just below the surface driven by a combination of factors, principle among them the recurring theme of disenchantment at my professional development. The result; I want to eat filth. The Go Ahead bars seemed a reasonable post lunch compromise. The food log will be important today.

Current weight - 11st 3lbs

Short term target weight - 11st

Long term target weight - 10st 6lbs

Thoughts

* A surprise Saturday weigh in (as in the weight was surprising, not the scales jumping out at me shouting BOO!) as the scales registered my weight at 11st 5lbs, the heaviest I have been in about a year.

* Perhaps unsurprisingly, the weight sparks feelings of guilt, resentment, anger and disillusionment. But after some time to process, I was able to accept it as an anomaly. I have allowed some creep in my food plan but nothing drastically unhealthy whilst exercise has been maintained on a daily basis.

* Monday's weigh in is far more realistic but nonetheless, I fund myself for the first time in a long time genuinely looking over my shoulder rather than straight ahead. So, time to take back control.

Food Log

Breakfast - Bran Flakes with sultanas

Lunch - £1 Boots meal deal (sandwich, fruit, Oasis drink

Dinner - Sausages and veg

Dessert - Mince pie

Snacks - Apple, banana, brunch bar, Go Ahead fruit bar (pack of 3)

Drinks - 1.5l water, tea, 1x diet coke

Exercise

Walking - 1 hour

10. It’s Never Too Late

At 35, I understood that I still had a significant portion of my life to live. But I figured that my personality and values had been set. For better or worse, this is who I was for the rest of my life.

Then I entered therapy.

It is not overstating things to say that I am a fundamentally different person now to the one who entered the Priory in 2013. I learned to feel, to share and express myself. I learned to be sad, to be angry and to not hide from fear. And I learned that I could be happy.

A nugget of advice from a doctor many years ago, when first discussing my prescription to anti-depressants, still rings true; you hopefully live to be 70-80 years old. Taking a couple of years to sort out your mental health is a pretty decent investment no matter how old you are.

9. When You Are Down, Get Up

It is almost a cliché that those suffering from depression are recommended to exercise. But then there is a reason some things become cliché. It is because they are true.

You cannot exercise away being depressed. Try as you might, you cannot literally outrun the Black Dog. Indeed my own flavour of depression was caused by thought driven anxiety rather than any underlying chemical imbalance.

But there is a fundamental truth in getting up and trying, even, and perhaps especially, when it is the very last thing you feel like doing.

Depression feeds on low energy, low motivation states. So get active, clear your mind, see the world around you rather than just the one in your head. Let life in and let the dog out.

8. Trigger Happy

A key aspect of recovery is developing an understanding of your illness. What are your triggers? What events, words or situations cause you anxiety?

Once identified though, that is not a reason to avoid them. Avoidance leads to isolation which in turn leads down the road to depression.

Instead, be understanding and kind to yourself. Or if it is easier, think what you would tell a loved one if they presented with the same symptoms you are suffering.

If social events triggers your anxiety, start small. Maybe meet with one or two friends, ease yourself in to the company of others, then gradually build up the circle until you feel able to cope with a larger setting.

Does decision making cause anxiety? Do you feel like you are constantly at risk of making the wrong choice, always fearful of living in regret of the path not taken? Challenge the thought, find a healthier way to look at it. Did you miss out going left because you turned right? Perhaps, but turning right was pretty awesome too.

7. It’s All In Your Head

One of the most difficult aspects of depression in particular is the lack of outward visible signs. Depression and anxiety are illnesses of the mind, like walking round with your very own doubt squad, constantly telling you what you are doing wrong.

The outward signs that are visible are easily dismissed. Tiredness, irritability, lack of enthusiasm, dietary changes etc can all be attributed to other, less serious complaints. Tired? Must need more sleep. Irritable? Don’t be so grumpy. Eating too much? Have a salad.

And so sufferers will often put on a mask in the company of others, becoming adept at hiding their true feelings and emotions, less to protect themselves and more to meet the expectations of others. It is a crushing irony that those most in need of help go out of their way to avoid hurting the feelings of others.

Depression and anxiety might be all in your head. That’s what make them so frightening.

6. A Problem Shared

The core driver of anxiety is fear of the future whilst the core driver of depression is rumination or regret of the past. Contentment comes from finding a way to walk the middle ground of acceptance.

One tool to help is to share your feelings. This can take many forms. If you have a network of friends and loved ones, talk to them about your thoughts and feelings, be honest. They may help you see the problem in a different light, find a new way of looking at things that your anxious mind could not see.

If you are not comfortable with this approach, or do not have such a network, consider writing your feelings down. Explore them, understand them, demystify them and in so doing take their power over you away.

Talking or writing about your issues is not an excuse to wallow. The desire to share or explore a problem should be driven by a desire to overcome it, not simply to find a sympathetic ear. Procrastination is simply another driver of depression and anxiety.

5. You Are Not Alone

Depression can cause us to feel isolated from the outside world. As it tightens its grip, you start to feel apart from the world. Happiness appears meant for someone else but not for you, as the song once said. Whatever you portray as an exterior, on the inside you begin to retreat within yourself, wanting nothing more than to shrink out of sight, wanting to be left alone and yet craving attention. If you could just curl yourself up into a small enough ball in the corner, maybe nobody will notice you.

And before you know it, you have drifted out to sea. The isolation you feared come true from your own actions. Nothing matters. Life has no meaning. No one understands.

And yet they do. Mental illness affects 1 in 4 people. Yet for some reason a stigma persists such that we can tell people all about how we broke our leg, how we had the flu or even show people some disgusting rash you’ve developed. And yet still we are wary of admitting that we find it difficult to cope with stress or that we have low mood.

Well it is time to stop the stigma. Mental illness is real. It affects people on a daily basis. It destroys relationships, it blights lives. Sometimes, it even ends them.

You are not weak and you are not alone.

4. This Too Shall Pass

In the midst of depression, or when the howling winds of anxiety are blowing a gale, it can be tempting to think that this is all life has to offer. Mental illness can feel like a vortex with you at the centre, no hope of escape.

It is important to remember that these are moments in life, not life itself. Since leaving therapy, I have felt happier and more free than at any time I can imagine. I have also been wracked with anxiety and been stuck in the depths of depression.

But no matter how dark these moments seem, I have come to understand that they are fleeting. I know I can be happy because I have been happy, and so can be again.

No matter how heavy the storm, even the darkest cloud must soon give way to sun.

3. Life Is A Journey

There can be a tendency in life to think that we must achieve a certain set of goals or metrics to be judged by. I should be earning x amount of money. I should be thinner. I wish I was more attractive.

And so it is with mental health. I should  be happy. I musn't worry so much. I should be better by now.

But life doesn't work that way. There is no right or wrong, no set path. The joy of life is to be found in making our own way, sometimes stepping off the beaten track to smell the flowers by the side of the road.

I haven't found the dream job. I'm still a couple of pounds heavier than I would like. My kitchen could do with a clean and I never did get round to putting that picture up on the wall. It doesn't matter. I do not have to judge myself. This isn't a test to be passed or failed, it is an adventure to enjoy.

Sometimes you will stumble and fall. Sometimes you'll head off in completely the wrong direction from where you planned. Sometimes you'll just sit down and get your bearings. Sometimes you'll get lost. You might not ever get to where you were trying to go. It doesn't matter.

Life is a journey, not a destination. Just try to enjoy the ride.

2. You Are Not Your Illness

It is very common for people to assign labels to behaviour, especially our own. 'Oh that's so me!' we might say. Or, 'I'm just like that.' Perhaps even, 'I'm not that type of person,' or ,'I'm no good at that.'

Often these comments are meant in jest, some typically self-deprecating British humour. But there is an undercurrent to them, especially as it pertains to mental health.

We come to define ourselves by these statements as if that is all we amount to. Our lives, so complex and involved, boiled down to a few words captured in a meme.

Depression and anxiety will always be a part of me. In many ways, they have helped shaped the person I am today, good and bad. But they do not define me.

1. You Can Change

It took me a long time to accept the fundamental truth behind my recovery. But once I did, it was liberating.

I could change.

Acknowledging that you are suffering from mental illness is a bold step. Seeking help is one of the bravest things you will ever do. The key to a sustained recovery is accepting that you are not apart from your illness, you are inextricably entwined with it. 

Part of this may involve making changes. But change is hard and many of us resist. It becomes easier to remain where we are, endlessly procrastinating, forever pedalling the cycle of resentment rather than accepting the truth.

You can change.

The oak tree casts an imperious shadow, standing tall and stout. It is to be admired for its strength and its resilience. Yet in gale force winds the oak, so rigid and fixed, finds itself toppled, ripped from the ground and broken.

You are not an oak. You are not fixed to one spot. You are free, you are flexible. In the winds of change, learn to bend like the reed.

You must become the change you want to see. It is your life, go and live it.

Current weight – 11st 1lb

* A surprising weigh in. After hovering around the 11st 4lbs mark, and coming off the back of a trip to Hastings, I felt bloated and heavy and fully expected a similar weight. A pleasant surprise then to find I have apparently trimmed a couple of pounds.

* Part of me immediately looks to dismiss it as unrealistic or a mistake of some kind. In and of itself a harmless, if unnecessary reaction. As part of a longer term pattern however, this is my brain refusing to allow positivity, wanting to find the dark cloud in every silver lining.

* A difficult week mood wise that finally appears to be drawing to a close. I have been very low and insular, deliberately seeking solitude whist at the same time lacking the energy and desire to engage in any hobbies. Like the recent weather, midweek sees the fog appearing to lift at last. I feel like a bear emerging from a cave of depressive hibernation.

* Why the change? The low mood was brought about by a combination of pressures that I allowed to overcome me. The change in mood could only come once these were addressed. The resolutions themselves are, ironically, unimportant. It is the process of addressing, rather than internalising, ruminating and procrastinating that is important.

* A visitor last night also helped in two ways. Firstly, it forces me to become more outgoing as I do not want my depressive state to be known to others. Whilst behaviour masks can be unhealthy, there is a certain truth in living the way you want to be; if you pretend to be happy long enough, you might just convince yourself.

Secondly, it gave me the chance to talk about mental health. I am eternally grateful for my time in therapy, it fundamentally changed my life. When I enter a period of low mood or high anxiety, it can become tempting to question if I have progressed at all. But speaking about my experience, sharing it with others, reminds me of the lessons learned. Life, as I so often preach, is a journey. There are detours and side rides, one way systems and gridlocked traffic. There are delays and cancellations and roads that seem to lead nowhere. The point is that there is no singular path, the important thing is to keep going.