1066 All Stars

Day 8 - 8th September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Bran Flakes (with sultanas)

Lunch - Stir fry vegetables with noodles and leftover roast turker

Dinner - (The rest of the) leftover turkey, carrots, greens, beans, rice

Dessert - Chocolate cheesecake (quarter)

In between meal snacks:

1x Snack A Jacks

Apple

Plum

Thoughts and Feelings

* I had planned on stopping these daily updates after the first week and switching to weekly but I am finding them both useful and fun, so will keep going for now.

* A day off from work today which means operating without the structure that normally brings. However, taking the girls to nursery meant that my usual morning snack time was interrupted, removing a craving opportunity. The afternoon was the same, this time due to and afternoon lie down (who gets ill on a day off?) and household chores to be done.

* Meals were swapped round today, a pattern I will follow for the rest of the week. This will however eat into (pardon the pun) lunchtime exercise so I need to consider where this can be recouped. I have been directed towards some interesting looking short, daily exercises which I will look to implement.

End of week 1 - 8th September

Starting weight - 12 st 4lb

New weight - 11st 11lb

Comments

Wow. I knew I had lost some weight (I could feel the absence of a layer of spare tyre at the top of my stomach) but this is better than I dared hope for.

Whilst appreciating some variance on the scales is likely day to day, 11st 11lb gives me a pretty big margin for error in smashing my short term target in the first week.

For the weight to have fallen off this quickly reinforces how overweight I was. I must now be mindful though. Experience tells me that the first bit of weight loss is the easiest, the closer we get to the target weight, the harder it becomes to lose weight. So the next weigh in is unlikely to give such a spectacular result and I mustn't lose heart.

But at this stage, it is a wonderful reinforcement of what I am doing and the potential benefits. On to week 2!

Summary

A decent first week. It was, in some ways, easier than I thought. There were cravings to be sure but my desire to lose weight overrode my desire to eat on almost every occasion.

Lots of lessons learned too. I may benefit from snacking more and therefore need to invest in more healthy snacking options. Exercise has been muted but consistent and fits in with my daily schedule. I would expect this to grow as the plan continues. And I am ready to implement some flexibility in meal plans to add a little science to the equation.

Challenges

* Cooking for more than one. I am determined to implement this plan but I am required to shop and cook for others. Whilst Karen is keen to lose a few pounds, it is not reasonable to expect her to adopt the militant dietary regime I have opted for. This means potentially multiple meals and eating different meal variations at different times.

* Fitting in exercise around life. I get up and the kids are up. I go to work and have an hour to eat and relax. I get home and the kids need sorting. They go to bed and I'm tired and need to relax and spend time with Karen before the grind starts again the next day.

* Mental health. It can be difficult to stay the course when depression or anxiety pops round for a visit. Much as I have progressed from this point last year, triggers remain and it is difficult to deny myself (a perceived comfort of) food when I have low mood. Mindfulness tells us to observe, not to judge. There may be times when I give in to the craving. I will acknowledge it, learn from it and let it go.

* Fluids. I think I need to drink more, especially at weekends. I drink tea but I appreciate that is not the same. I am aiming for a litre of water a day.

* Boredom. When you have nothing else to stimulate you, it is difficult to stop your mind wandering towards one of your favourite pastimes (eating, for the filthy minded amongst you).

Day 7 - 7th September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Bran Flakes (with sultanas)

Lunch - Ham, tomato and salad cream sandwich, fruit bar, Hob Nob medley bar

Dinner - Roast turkey joint (frozen), roast spuds, carrots, greens, broccoli, cauliflower, peas, yorkshire pud

Dessert - Chocolate cheesecake (quarter)

In between meal snacks:

2x Snack A Jacks

Thoughts and Feelings

* Haven't done my weekly shop so yet to implement some of the new things planned.

* I only had a few potatoes left and deliberately didn't buy more. As a result, I ended up with less than usual, a roundabout way of achieving my aim.

* The cheesecake was a little naughty but there is no sense turning this into a monk's life. If I hate the new regime and dread implementing it, I am more likely to fail. A couple of modest indulgences here and there are fine.

* I've got a ruddy cold brewing.

My social media habits have undoubtedly changed over the years, a natural part of getting older.

Where once my Facebook status updates were an exercise in obscure film quotes, now they feature updates on my kids and pictures to share with relatives.

But by far the biggest impact on my social media interaction is the period I spent in therapy for depression and anxiety. My status updates are now very often about elements of mental health, sharing my blogs and stories perhaps or simply a soundbite of a lesson learned. I migrated to Twitter, where I found like minded people. I share some of my stories on Readwave. I even wrote a book (available right now from Amazon, folks).

I have made a conscious decision to share my thoughts and feelings intimately. It is a therapy of sorts. Perhaps I can even help someone else along the way who is going through something similar.

Some people comment (or 'like') these posts. Many don't. Which got me thinking, why not? The temptation is to be disappointed, even petulantly angry. Here I am, soul laid bare, and people can't be bothered to acknowledge it?

But there is more going on here. When I step back and think about it, I have a good set of friends, I have surrounded myself with decent people. So there are reasons why people don't feel able to comment. I thought about it and I reckon my friends break down into three broad categories.

Category 1 - these people comment regularly. Sometimes they send me direct messages. They show empathy and understanding. They encourage, advise, sometimes even share their own struggles. They've probably bought my book. These people have played an active role in my (ongoing) recovery from mental illness.

Category 2 - these people do not comment regularly. When they do, it is often in jest, never anything too serious. I suspect they are unsure what to say, perhaps worried about saying the wrong thing. They are not used to me being so serious. So they stay quiet, or interact with me in the way they know best. A couple of them may have bought my book.

Category 3 - these people do not comment because they are not interested in the subject matter. They probably wish I would stop posting links to my book and post about football or beer. Remind me, why are we friends again?

I suspect most of my friends are in category 2. I hope none of them are in category 3.

If there are any category 3's; goodbye. You serve no positive purpose in my life.

To the category 2's; I'm still here, I just changed, grew up, perhaps. If you want to know more, don't be embarrassed to say so. The only stupid question is the one that isn't asked.

And to the category 1's; thank you.

Day 6 - 6th September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Bran Flakes (with sultanas)

Lunch - Hamburger, sausage, potato salad, lettuce

Dinner - Tinned mushroom soup, 2x slices white bread

Dessert - Mr Kipling slice

In between meal snacks:

2x Snack A Jacks

2x grapes

2x coke refills

Thoughts and Feelings

* Today was always likely to be difficult given that this is the first weekend on the new regime, meaning the first day without the rigid structure of the working day.

* On the whole, I am pleased. A bigger lunch meant a smaller dinner, which I was happy to do. It never even occurred to me to eat something unhealthy, in fact quite the opposite as I pondered a choice of the soup or a plate of vegetables. I debated the number of slices of bread but in the end decided the trade off of additional carbs versus needing to be full was a reasonable choice under the circumstances. I had an element of guilt over the coke refills but I think some sugar during a day at the theme park is understandable.

* Anxiety - despite my misgivings yesterday, I always knew today would be fine. Anxiety causes me to project and procrastinate but I am fully aware that the reality very rarely turns out like the fear. It was fun, we all enjoyed it. I had a few moments of quick temper and also saw my anxiety highlighted in decision making but overall it was a good day.

* Declines - packet of crisps, unfinished sandwich, unfinished sweet.

* Received some excellent and supportive advice today which I will look to implement next week, after the weekly shop is completed. Far from being frustrated or down about this regime, so far I am excited.

* Weigh in on Monday, not before, despite the temptation this morning.

Day 5 - 5th September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Bran Flakes (with sultanas)

Lunch - Ham salad sandwich with salad cream

Dinner - 2x lamb kebabs, carrots, broccoli, caluliflower, small portion of shallow fried potatoes

Dessert - Mr Kipling slice

In between meal snacks:

3 Snack A Jacks

Salad pot - 4 celery stick, 4 radishes, 2 spring onions with salad cream

Apple

Thoughts and Feelings

* One of the ironies in life is that it is far harder to eat healthily than it is to eat muck. After a long day at work and the kids are in bed, energy lacking, enthusiasm waning, it is far easier to slip a tray of chips in the oven than to go to the time and hassle of putting a healthy meal together. It needs to be thought out in advance, everything requires preparation.

* My day is becoming noticeably dominated by food. My day is operated in segments between when I can next eat. Perhaps it has always been thus, I just never noticed because I would give in to the craving. Hopefully it will get easier as I lose some weight and my body adjusts to the new routine, although I suspect a large part of this is due to boredom at work. but that's a blog for another time.

* Despite the above, I haven't noticed any obvious mood shift. I did observe a period of what I can only describe as general anxiety, an undefined sense of being overwhelmed by a few different things at the same time (the kids bedtime routine, our day at Chessington tomorrow, an important date) but with no specific trigger or fundamental issue behind any of them.

* The Chessington anxiety is interesting and worth exploring further. Tomorrow we have a free day out to the theme park for the whole family. Undoubtedly a Good Thing. And yet I am anxious about it, to the point that I don't want to go. Why? There are two principle reasons I think I can pinpoint. Firstly, it is a work event and I don't know anyone. I don't know where to go and don't know what to expect when we get there. So in summary, a fundamental fear of the unknown. Secondly, I don't feel prepared. When we went to Legoland, it was in the middle of our holiday. We built up to it, I had time off work, it was the only thing to concentrate on. Saturday's are often very difficult for me mood wise as it is. The culmination of a working week leaves me tired and cranky, meaning one of the two days I have with my kids I usually feel like doing anything but. By Sunday, I am usually back to normal. So this weekend, I have to jump straight in.

* 12 months on from therapy, I am tempted to be disappointed by this reaction, tempted to ask, 'why do I still react this way?' as if I am at fault. But that is judgement. Mindfulness encourages us instead to observe. My anxiety is noted and I will monitor it and try to understand it. But I will not beat myself up for having feelings.

* Good walk today, utilising the full hour. Helps to have something compelling to listen to, my current choice being a rotation of wrestling podcasts (Austin, JR, Jericho).

* The afternoon brought tiredness and hunger pangs. I gave in, reaching for another Snack A Jack. I actually took two out but after someone else enquired about them, I jumped at the chance to offload one, knowing I would regret eating 4 in one day. 3 is still more than I planned.

* Once again I refused the opportunity to finish off the girls' dinner. Small victories but each one counts.

Day 4 - 4th September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Bran Flakes (with sultanas)

Lunch - Salad

Dinner - Southern Fried Chicken, Carrots, Broccoli, Cauliflower and Greens

Dessert - Yoghurt

In between meal snacks:

2 dry crackers

Apple

Half corn on the cob

Small potato salad

Thoughts and Feelings

* Feel like I'm getting into this now. still early days of course, this is only day 4 but I remain motivated. Previous dietary changes have failed as soon as the first day and, rather than resuming, I throw in the towel completely. Instead, I have reached the point where I would rather lose weight than eat a sugary snack.

* I even started to picture what it would be like to lose a bit of weight and that nice moment when other people notice.

* Short walk today, again impacted by needing to pop to the shops but also by having salad. This type of meal necessitates sitting down in the work kitchen, taking up 15-20 minutes of lunch. I may switch to sandwiches or something else I can eat at my desk, leaving the full hour available for walking.

* I bought some Snack A Jacks today. I wanted something else to eat in the morning that was low calories, low salt and, crucially, low sugar. That ruled out extra fruit or 'healthy' biscuits. Snack A Jacks have 0.4g salt and 0.2g sugar and are 40 calories each. I will need to be disciplined because I have had a tendency to gorge on them in the past (hence why I had resisted buying) but they seem a reasonable option.

* I also stocked up on veg for the evening meal, picking up broccoli, cauliflower, carrots and greens. I'll allow a small portion of potato or rice but the intention is to reduce evening carbs to a minimum.

* Feeling very hungry tonight (9pm as I write). Desire to eat remains outweighed by desire to slim.

Day 3 - 3rd September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Bran Flakes (with sultanas)

Lunch - Salad with bread roll and half corn on the cob

Dinner - Leftover chicken with mini corns (x6), broccoli, peas and boiled potatoes

Dessert - Ice cream

In between meal snacks:

Crisps

1 dry cracker

Apple

Thoughts and Feelings

* I went to bed last night feeling hungry but refused to snack further.

* I implemented a lifestyle change several years ago which saw me lose over a stone in weight. One of the things I allowed myself was a single packet of crisps once a week. Crisp wednesday. It seems a reasonable compromise.

* I felt terrible this morning. Really lethargic, poor concentration, tired, lots of aches and pains. I felt light headed, my neck felt strange when I rolled my head. More than that, I felt uncertain of myself, manifested in a twitter related issue I will blog about another time.

* This may in part have been caused by taking a co-codamol tablet the previous evening. The pain is a constant that I am used to, likely the result of the fused vertebrae in my neck. I pop a pill, roll my neck, take a deep breath and get on with it. Some days are easier than others.

* I enjoyed a 30 minute walk at lunch and returned to the office invigorated, full of energy. I still had pain and some light-headedness, my brain still felt foggy, but I felt infintely better than I had in the morning. I felt the need to tweet something epic (nothing occured to me). Exercise works!

* And I finally remembered to buy milk for my tea.

* I cooked too many potatoes for dinner. Initially I put them all on my plate anyway, not wanting to waste them. But, on second thoughts, I took them off again, rationalising that I could have a mini potato salad with lunch instead. No food wasted and carbs controlled, a win-win.

* Not so much desire to snack today. I happily rejected biscuits when offered. When the girls didn't finish their dinner, I binned it rather than finish it like I normally would. I had a passing fancy for some sweets when I saw them but nothing more.

* Having said that, I'm ruddy hungry.

* Beetroot makes your pee turn a funny colour.

Day 2 - 2nd September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Bran Flakes (with sultanas)

Lunch - Salad with bread roll and half corn on the cob

Dinner - Granny made burger with vegetables, tinned tomato and spoon of baked beans

Dessert - Yoghurt

In between meal snacks:

Portion of green beans

Apple

Thoughts and Feelings

* No weigh in today. I know from experience that weighing in too often can be dispiriting and that weight can fluctuate so the plan is to do this weekly.

* I felt motivated this morning. I was really glad that I opted to share this experience in a blog, it gave me a purpose, beyond a vague notion of wanting to lose weight. I don't even know if anyone else will have any interest in reading along but operating on the basis that they will adds a level of impetus to proceedings. I feel determined to lose weight.

* My enthusiasm really started to wane in the morning, perhaps not coincidentally around the time I ate my green beans. Boy, they were grim and it set off a thought cycle of food.

* I popped out at lunch to buy a bread roll to go with my salad. It seemed a reasonable compromise. Whilst I appreciate that it may carry a certain amount of calories, it will keep me filled and gives me afternoon carbs.

* The trip round Sainsbury's meant I came face to face with crips, sweets and chocolate. I had an understandable craving but happily walked on by.

* I also bought some crackers to act as a morning snack (in place of the grim beans). I was tempted by a cream cheese to go with them but was worried about the fat content so opted for tomatoes. Bizarrely, I started to get some really self conscious thoughts about it. I used to have this snack in my last job and started to think how people don't really know me in my current job and they might think I'm a weirdo for having tomatoes and crackers.

* Just a short walk at lunch due to my enforced trip to Sainsbury's but a longer jaunt is planned tomorrow. Exercise is of course a crucial part of any healthy living plan. It is difficult to fit it in around the kids. My preference is to get up early and use the exercise bike but the trouble is, with feeding Aiden around 11ish each night, I'm ruddy knackered every day. At this early stage, I'm not convinced that dragging myself out of bed (or, more likely, failing to do so and feeling bad about it) is the best option. Walking is a good start. This is a journey (figuratively, not literally in this case, I only have an hour for lunch).

* I became quite conscious of how fat I am today. I looked down and saw my stomach bursting out of my shirt. I don't like it. It affects my confidence, I feel as though I may be judged down because of my weight and appearance.

* I really wanted a hot chocolate drink in the afternoon. I suspect it was mainly a combination of 1) being bored and 2) forgetting to buy milk to make tea. I resisted. A small victory but an important one at this early stage.

* I am hungry but I am determined not to snack. I really want to do this.

I like eating. Food tastes good, And it's fun. But there's a problem.

It makes me fat.

So, time to do something about it.

It is easy to start a healthy new regime but far harder to maintain it. So, I thought I would write down my experience and share it with the world.

But, as with most of my writing, this will not simply be a food diary. Instead, I want to explore my thoughts and feelings as I embark on this journey. What lies behind the choices I make? How do they make me feel? How do I overcome them?

To start with, let's outline the parameters.

Starting Weight - 12st 4lbs

Plan

There will be no fad diet. This will be a simple case of putting less in and working more off. I would like to reduce salt and sugar intake. I may reorganise when in the day I eat certain food groups, such as carbs in the morning and afternoon, not evening. But nothing will be excluded per se, that will likely just lead to a craving cycle.

Goals

Setting goals is absolutely vital but at the same time, it is important that they not become a stick to beat myself with. They are targets, not set in stone.

Short term weight - Under 12st

Medium term weight - 11st 3lbs

Long term weight - Under 11st

Timescales

Nah, I'm not falling for that old chestnut. This is a lifestyle change, not a crash course diet. If I set a timeframe and don't meet it, I may lose heart. It is the process that is important here, the results will come with time. Life is a journey, not a destination (I should really trademark that...)

Day 1 - 1st September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and toast (with butter)

Lunch - Salad

Dinner - Roast chicken

Dessert - Yoghurt

Not the first day meal plan I had intended but not the worst start eith..what's that? Oh...

In between meal snacks:

Chocolate cornflake biscuit thing

2x chocolate biscuits

Hot chocolate drink

Apple

Half corn on the cob

Hmm, not so good. The corn on the cob and apple are okay but the chocolate wasn't in the plan.

It was almost worse. I stepped out at lunchtime with the express intent of buying some sweets and maybe a fizzy drink. Only the fact that it was raining put me off.

Thoughts and Feelings

* There are some extenuating circumstances. All three of the kids had been up during the night and I had slept poorly. I craved sugar.

* My first craving for food came at 9am, 30 minutes into my work day starting. I don't believe this was genuine hunger, more likely a trick of the mind, conscious of the fact that I would be 'denying' myself.

* I took the biscuit in the morning without hesitation, ready with the excuse of a lack of sleep.

* I was relieved not to have bought the sweets. As the opportunity passed, I realised that I would have regretted it and would have likely engaged in a cycle of self criticism about being weak and feeling fat.

* It is important not to judge, to always be kind to myself. It is also important to beware of labels. The temptation is to call myself fat, lazy, undisciplined. We may be any one thing at a moment in time, it does not make us that thing in perpetuity. We can change.