1066 All Stars

Previous weight - 11st

Current weight - 11st

Target weight 10st 6lbs

Food Log

Breakfast - Bran flakes with sultanas, tea

Lunch - Chicken salad roll

Dinner - Chicken curry with rice

Dessert - Chelsea bun

Snacks - 1x blueberry, 2x strawberries, 1x apple, 3x fruit slice, 1x gherkin, 2x pickled onions

Exercise

Parenting - all day

Comments

* When I look at the list of food eaten it can be tempting to question, 'Austerity? What Austerity?' But I have to take myself back to the original thought behind this regime. It is not a diet, this has never been about eliminating foods. It is more a case of cutting out unnecessary snacking, having sensible portions and exercising. So when I look in the fridge and see a chocolate bar I can nibble; when I open the cupboard and fancy a handful of sultanas; when I fancy a cookie 'because it's Friday'; or I get a hankering for a can of coke, I go all Grange Hill on myself - just say no.

* Weekends are always more challenging diet wise, the kids and general weekend activity making it difficult to implement my usual switched meal routine.

* I am constantly reminded, by my thoughts, actions and self recimination, that I am not cured. Living a mentally healthy life is an ongoing, never ending journey with detours, wrong turns and hard to read road signs along the way.

* I have a perception that others expect me to be 'normal.' I was in a mental hosptal, my life turned upside down for 3 months. When I got out, I found I was redundant from my job of 12 years. Then my Dad died. Each of these are life altering events. I like to think that I wear my mask less and less but I still feel that other people expect things to be like, 'oh yeah you went to the Priory but you're all better now, right?' Well I'm not. I never will be. Each day is a battle against anxiety. Some days I win, some days I lose. The most important thing is that therapy helped me to understand that not only could I fight back but that I also wanted to.

Previous weight - 11st 2lbs

Current weight - 11st

Target weight 10st 6lbs

Food Log

Breakfast - Bran flakes with sultanas, tea

Lunch - Chicken and bacon layered salad

Dinner - southern fried chicken breast with veg

Dessert - salted caramel choc lolly

Snacks - 5x cherries, 4x blueberries, 2x raspberries, 2x strawberries, 1x apple, 1x fruit bar, 2x rice cakes

Declines - cookie, doughnut

Exercise

Walking - 40 mins

Comments

* Another pound off brings me to a significant mental barrier. Dipping below 11st feels like a real achievement and so it is pleasing to have got back to this point so quickly.

* The challenge is to maintain it. This 'austerity plan' is not sustainable. Part of the problem I experienced before was the gradual erosion of discipline; 1 packet of crisps per week became 2, always saying 'no' to cakes and biscuits became 'maybe'. And that is fine as part of a balanced diet, the difficulty for me was a steadfast refusal to accept my current weight as being good enough. I will need to carefully sift through what is a healthy dietary target versus an unhealthy mental health obsession.

* Friday has become something of a treat day (someone in therapy always described it as 'Filthy Friday') when the kids get McDonalds and so I allow myself something bought. With the debauchery of the Sunday pizza fresh in my mind (and stomach), I thought discretion was best employed. To my surprise then I found that the layered salad still felt like something of a treat.

* One of the challenges of this regime is what to eat on a daily basis. It came become tiresome having a dull meal in the evening whilst the necessity of eating lunch at work means my meal plans are limited. Add to the fact that I also prepare dinner for Karen, plus have to consider what the kids are eating, meaning that I either 1) compromise what I want for ease of cooking, building resentment at my meal and subsequently the whole healthy eating regime, or 2) end up cooking a hundred and one different things, leaving me little time in the evening for relaxation.

* Walking was restricted by other requirements today so I squeezed in as many strides as I could in the time allowed. I suspect that I won't be too pleasant to sit next to for the rest of the afternoon but then what's new?

* £3.19 headphones FTW.

* There is nothing quite like the smell of puke to make you want to puke.

Previous weight - 11st 2lbs

Current weight - 11st 1lb

Target weight 10st 6lbs

Food Log

Breakfast - Bran flakes with sultanas, tea

Lunch - Chicken in spanish sauce with roast spuds and veg

Dinner - sausages with veg

Dessert - cookie crumble choc lolly

Snacks - 1x satsuma, 5x cherries, 1x apple, 1x fruit bar, 2x rice cakes

Exercise

Walking - 1 hour

Comments

* Amazng what a difference a single pound can make. Dropping back down to 11st 1lb gave me an extra boost in the morning and I noted a distinct mental change, my focus very much shifting back to position where my desire to lose weight exceeded my desire to eat.

*I have set an arbitrary limit in my mind whereby 11st 3lbs is the maximum acceptable limit. Targets are an important barometer of course but the most important aspect remains how I feel.

* And how do I feel? I'll cover the mental aspects in a seperate post but physically I don't feel that good. My neck and head pain has flared up severely over the last few weeks whilst I have often been left feeling bloated and uncomfrtable,even though my weight was at or around my lowest in years.

* My walking plans took a hit when my ruddy headphones broke. I like to have some music to listen to on my travels and so this was a major setback. But I did it anyway, because I'm hardcore!

Current weight - 11st 2lbs

Target weight 10st 6lbs

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix minis with sultanas, tea

Lunch - lemon curd sandwich

Dinner - bacon and cheese bake sauce with veg

Dessert - salted caramel choc lolly

Snacks - 1x boiled sweet, 6x cherries, 1x apple, 1x fruit bar, 2x rice cakes

Exercise

Walking - 1 hour

Comments

* With the decision taken to be more disciplined about my eating regime, a return to the daily food log.

* After the recent debauchery of pizza and bbq, I decided that crisps day was an unnecessary indulgence. That was partially offset by the boiled sweet I stuffed into my gob on auto pilot whilst getting out of the car. They are there though, a pack bought in a previous moment of weakness, and so I will finish them. Interestingly though I was tempted by a second one but didn't because I didn;t want to add it to the food log.

* Exercise has become a point of contention. Clearly it is good for me and an important element of my weight loss but I have also been feeling incredibly tired, to the point that I took a break yesterday. I need to find a balance between pushing myself to lose weight / get fit versus pushing myself too far. For now, it is back to a dedicated, aerobic walking pattern, at least until I get to a point of satisfactory weight control.

New weight - 11st 2lbs

Comments

* A disappointing but not unexpected result. 

* The regime has reached that point that I alays expected where it has become difficult to maintain. Whereas at the start I would ruthlessly turn down anything sugar coated, now I am regularly allowing myself a biscuit here or an exra helping there and this is the result.

* And so, as will all things in life, I now have a choice. 3 of them to be precise.

1. I can accept this state of affairs, eat what I like and let my weight be what it will be.

2. I can get hardcore militant about it and make a concerted effort to achieve my 10st 6lbs target.

3. I can meet somewhere in between, returning to a degree of dietary austerity without pressurising myself on a weekly basis.

* The obvious answer is of course 3. Number 1 is very firmly off the table. I refuse to allow my weight to balloon back to what it was. But actually I intend to apply number 2, at least for a short time. I feel a need to be disciplined with myself, to restablish the frameworks of my healthy eating plan and take back control of my weight. Once done, then I can restore a position of balance, where snacking and treat eating is done in moderation.

Tomb Raider

Developed by: Core design

Released: 1996

Format played: Playstation

Emulation: ePSXe

Ruminations

One of the seminal titles of the Playstation years and the launching pad of a cultural icon, Tomb Raider hit the PS1 in 1996, wowing audiences with its combination of 3D graphics, action and puzzles. Testament to its' impact, the franchise is still going strong today, the game an influence on Uncharted, Gears of War and any number of other third person action adventure titles.

Taking it's cue from Indiana Jones, the game saw you take control of Lara Croft, generously proportioned British aristocrat and adventurer, setting forth on a mission to recover an ancient artefact of unimaginable power. Or some other such gubbins.

All of that is just an excuse for some good old fashioned exploring as our jet setting heroine plunders the tombs of one ancient civilisation after another on her jaunt through Peru, Greece, Egypt and Atlantis.

I played Tomb Raider to completion on release but, despite enjoying it immensely, never revisited it or spent any serious time with the sequels until the release of Tomb Raider Anniversary. I found it interesting how little of it I remembered. A handful of scenes stood out; the Sword of Damocles, the Cistern and of course the dinosaurs, although I hadn't appreciated how early in the game they appeared.

Approaching this again, I was torn as to which version to play. My memories are of the PS1 version but I also have the PC version. A quick browse online informs me that, whilst the PC version has analogue support, instant saves and offers improved visuals, the PS1 version, clunky D-pad control, save crystals and all, includes additional music. And crucially, it is the PS1 experience I am looking to replicate, despite its drawbacks.

I was tempted to run it on the PS3 (I have one of the original, backwards compatible models) but opted to run on emulation. After getting over the weird vibe of playing a PS1 game with an X-Box pad, this gave me the advantage of instant save states, negating some of the frustration associated with the type of save mechanism employed.

Second Impressions

Urgh. In 1996 this may have been eye opening but in 2015 it is simply eye watering.

Such is the danger of revisiting your past. What I remembered as a machine defining, cutting edge title has now become a blocky mess. Lara's character lacks any sort of definition, her proportions looking even more ridiculous all these years later. Scenery is a mess of blurry textures, which makes it more difficult to pick out the straight edges that represent a block you can move or a ledge you can grab. Bits of walls flash in and out of existence depending on where you stand, sometimes allowing you a forbidden glimpse of the contents of a hidden secret. Enemies meanwhile consist of fuzzy animals and disjointed limbs that vaguely resemble a collection of gurning human parts.

And yet despite all of that, it still somehow works. From the opening scenes, you really feel that you are in these ancient, hidden tombs, the game drawing you in to its atmosphere. The camera is a little clunky compared to modern standards (no right stick control here) but is serviceable and allows you to see enough of your environment to ensure that there are no leaps of faith.

Draw distances are understandably limited compared to modern games but there are no mid-level loading pauses, Lara running, jumping and swimming seamlessly between locations.

Gameplay

As with the visuals, controls are initially jarring. Modern games have spoiled us with analogue control, slick movement and a, 'If it looks possible let's try it,' approach.

Having played Tomb Raider Anniversary, Uncharted and Prince of Persia among others, your instinct is to expect to be able to leap onto any object, traverse the slightest of poles or deftly dispatch an enemy with an array of hand-to-hand moves.

Not so here. Control is of the Resident Evil tank like flavour. Move set is limited to run, walk, jump and lower (with some swimming chucked in too). Absent are the crawl, cover or grappling hook mechanics available in later games or progenitors. Combat variation is limited to collecting more powerful guns, Lara having no direct fighting moves. It is frustrating when you expect to be able to use a series of broken pillars to hop across a chasm, only to realise that you have to go the long way round.

In a sense this is a harsh criticism. At the time, what was on offer was ground breaking, time has naturally seen evolution and improvement. But at the same time, retro gaming is a window to the past, not a time machine. Context is fine but I'm playing in 2015, not 1996, and the experience suffers as a result.

But the mood changes, the quality of the game overcoming these perceived shortcomings. Once set aside, you will be flipping and rolling your way to the level's end.

And it is the quality of the levels themselves that shines through. They are simple in theory, often little more than fetch and carry quests. But the combination of puzzle solving, gun play and acrobatics is a satisfying blend. More than once you will be stumped for a solution to open a locked door (I must confess to having succumbed to the temptation of an online walkthrough on occasion) but through perseverance, common sense and some good old fashioned exploration, you can usually find a way forward, and maybe find a few secrets along the way. Solutions will often involve the pushing or pulling of seemingly impossibly heavy blocks to aid a climb to a higher level or the exploration of near endless tunnelts to find the switch that unlocks the door that bars your progress. The game is linear in the sense that a set of specific objectives must be achieved before you can progress but as a result you are rarely asked to traverse the same terrain twice; once an area is explored, it's secret or switch uncovered, it is on to the next area.

And the levels are big! You can speed through quicker but the 15 or so levels will each take you an hour or more to play through. You may be all alone in these tombs (aside from a few animals) but you rarely feel lonely, there is always a new area to explore or a task to accomplish.

One drawback to this approach is that levels can occasionally feel like a slog. A title like Uncharted, strongly influenced by Tomb Raider, includes puzzle sections but the game is driven by narrative and action set pieces, puzzles acting as an interlude between the main game. Here, puzzling and exploration are the main course, combat very much a side order, reflected in the lack of options other than shooting. As a result, starting a new area means resigning yourself to the fact that you will be here for a while, only moving on when all requirements have been met. The shooting itself is occasionally frustrating too. The weapons themselves are nice enough - pistols, magnum, shotgun and uzi - but certain enemies take a ridiculous amount of shots to put down. This is understandable, if annoying, when it is some underground, beastly throwback, especially towards the end of the game, but it is jarring when you stand toe-to-toe with a human, pumping them full of lead, only for them to run away round the corner.

The save mechanic is a pain too, a discomfort eased with emulation, providing instant save states. There should be an element of risk and reward to games or else the excitement is lost but having to replay great swathes of a level just because you mis-timed one jump is frustrating and it was a modern luxury I was pleased to be able to indulge.

Sound

If time has not been kind to Tomb Raider visually, the music remains timeless, fully vindicating my decision to opt for the slightly clumsier control of the PS1 version over the aurally deficient PC version

From the opening theme, a hauntingly beautiful clarinet that soon gives way to a light piano piece, perfectly capturing the mood. Then the spot music that plays througout your journey; the jingle that marks a secret uncovered, the blaring tune that signals a trap sprung or the revisiting of the haunting melodies of the title screen as a new part of the mystery is uncovered. Each plays a part in creating a truly incredible atmosphere of awe and wonder.

Speech is used too. Lara does not have cause to talk much during the adventure itself, other than a forthright, 'NO!' when you try to use an item in the wrong place. But cut-scenes are punctuated with a serviceable, professional voice cast.

And of course your adventures are accompanied by all the grunts, squeals and shrieks you remember as Lara runs, pulls, shimmies and tumbles around her underground play centre.

Bottom Line

Revisiting Tomb Raider is a difficult experience to quantify. On the one hand, it is a bit like finding out that your favourite chocolate bar as a kid has been re-released and you rush out to buy it only to find that it no longer tastes as good as you remember and you wish you had left it alone.

On the other hand, when you get past the disappointment and the limitations of design, underneath is the beating heart of one of the most fulfilling, atmospheric and important games of the modern era.

In truth, it is a game surpassed by itself, Tomb Raider Anniversary offering much the same game but with a vastly improved experience. In a sense, it is fast becoming a historical curiosity, a title worthy of respect for the new ground it paved more than something you would want to necessarily play.

This remains one of the most important games of its generation and deserves respect accordingly. But those wishing to experience it should do so now, before it becomes just a footnote in history.

Target weight - 10st 6lbs

Current weight - 11st 1lb

Comments

* Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to...etc.

* I had been intending to write this blog for a while but kept putting it off. I found myself in a low mood, low energy space where I could not seem to find the enthusiasm or will to interrogate my feelings.

* The obvious questions is, 'Why?' I'll get to that.

* Weight wise, I am disappointed but not wholly surprised. May is a difficult month what with all the kids' birthdays. our wedding anniversary and my own birthday. On top of that, 9 months into this lifestyle change, there has been an inevitable relaxation of standards as I allow myself some latitude, the net result being that I have added a couple of pounds back on.

* But I am not disheartened. Earlier in this regime, I would have become anxious (a word I do not use lightly by the way) that any uplift in weight signalled a disaster. Now, I have the benefit of knowing that with discipline and exercise, I can comfortably maintain my weight at or around the 11st mark.

* And, just as significantly, I want to. Previous attempts to lose weight have given way to a desire to eat. And I still do of course, a bag of sweets or a packet of crisps remain as tempting as ever. But I am proud of what I have achieved thus far and remain determined to maintain and improve it.

* But what of my mental health? I have visited this thought process before but it is an important point and worth, I believe, revisiting.

Most advice for those suffering from depression will be to take exercise, the release of endorphins and other such chemical reactions considered likely to alleviate the symptoms.

After 9 months, (up to) 20 pounds lost and with a daily walk now part of my weekday regime, I have noticed no tangible improvement to my mental well being. I remain almost cripplingly anxious, my confidence low, my mood prone to fluctuate at the slightest provocation.

But it is important to understand why. My depression is not driven by an inbuilt chemical imbalance. There is no fundamental flaw in my genetic make up. My depression is fed by anxiety which, whilst I may have a certain predisposition to it, is caused and fuelled by the thoughts I have and the decisions I make. I am the architect of my own mental prison and therefore also the warden who holds the key. No amount of walking is going to undo these thought patterns, only repeated and consistent addressing of my negative automatic thoughts and harmful, deep held schemas.

* Which leads me nicely to why this blog took so long to write. Part of my anxiety and depression cycle is a deep rooted lack of confidence. This may manifest in a variety of ways - from self judgement of appearance to intelligence to capability - depending on the circumstances.

And so I found myself in a situation whereby I judged myself to have failed. There were extenuating circumstances but I rejected them all. Something had gone wrong and it was my fault. As a result, I had undermined my position irretrievably and lost whatever credibility I may previously have held.

This event cast a shadow over my mood for well over a week. I felt withdrawn, deliberately isolating myself. I desperately procrastinated about a need for change. A fog crept over my mind, I found I could no longer concentrate. And I was tired, oh so tired. The tendrils of depression were beginning to take hold.

There was no particular event that caused them to recede and yet today I find myself in a much better place. I am now able to recognise the thinking errors (black and white thinking, catastrophising among others) and allow some context to be applied. An underlying anxiety remains but a depressive mindset has been avoided.

The perceived failure, and my subsequent anxiety, were a result of projecting; of doing what I thought I was expected to do, rather than remaining true to myself doing what I wanted, what I believed to be right. A valuable lesson has been learned.

* Perhaps part of the recovery has been the development of outside interests with two opportunities for writing generated via Twitter.

* The first was a chance to share my mental health journey at the Priory. I knew ahead of time how the article would be distributed but this represented the first time that I would actively share my experience to professional colleagues and acquaintences via LinkedIn. It feels liberating to do so. My experience of mental illness, and my subsequent journey of recovery, is an intrinsic component of who I am. I do not wish to hide it. A link to the article is here.

* The second revolves around videogames. I have posted the occasional game review or feature on the site, all written for my own amusement. Then I saw a Tweet where a website was looking for review contributers. This is the type of opportunity that I would usually think 'if only' before ignoring. And so, in the best traditions of mental health recovery, I decided to change and made contact. Not only will they be publishing my first article this week but I will subsequently become a regular contributer to the VG Almanac site as a retro gaming specialist.

Yet even this brought some anxiety. Suddenly the reviews I wrote just for fun have become something more serious. All the time I write and publish on my own site, I shield myself from criticism. The moment they are submitted to someone else, they become pieces that can be judged and compared to others. I felt inadequate.

And so I did it anyway. Better to face my fear than live with regret.

Anxiety is...

...trying to block out my 3 year old talking to me because I can't hear myself ruminate

...like a continually inflating balloon, wary of invisible pins, oblivious that unless it deflates, it will pop anyway.

...like a loose thread. Pull on it and you're likely to unravel

...like if your mind is a radio, constantly changing stations, looking for Blame FM

...like being stuck on a hamster wheel. You want to get off but you're too scared to stop running

...the sense of constantly being judged, when in truth the only person passing judgement is you

...like a phone that you wish would stop ringing but you're too afraid to answer

...like a glass of water; full to the brim, you feel as though a single drop will make you spill over

...the voice that says you can't do it. Depression says there's no point. Recovery says do it anyway.

I don’t remember when he first came to stay with me. I just opened my front door one day and there he was, looking up at me.

A little Red Dragon.

I loved that little dragon. He was so small and cute. I would leave him at home when I went out and we would play together all night, laughing as he tried to snort out fire but only managed little puffs of smoke.

I didn’t really notice at first but as time went on, the Red Dragon started to grow bigger. Every day when I came home he seemed to have grown and he demanded more and more of my time.

After a while, he decided that he didn’t want to be cooped up alone all day and so he insisted on coming to work with me. I knew that my colleagues wouldn’t understand, so I hid him under my desk. Every now and then he would poke his nose out and I would try to shove him back down before anyone noticed. I got used to the strange looks as a puff of smoke emerged from under my chair.

But pretty soon he got restless. I knew I had to let him go free but he refused to go. And I wasn’t sure I wanted him to. I had got used to him being around, even if it made things harder.

It became too hard to hide him from friends, so I stopped going out.

Whenever I would try to read a book, he would snort out a flame and burn it. So I stopped reading.

Whenever I tried to play a game, or watch a programme, or write a story, he would flap around the room making noise, snorting out flames so that I couldn’t concentrate. So I gave up.

Then one day when I came down the stairs, I saw he had invited a friend round to play. A Black Dog. And before I knew it, he had moved in too.

And then it happened. He was too big to keep hidden under the desk at work and one day he broke free. He made such a scene, flapping his wings, snorting fire. Everyone was amazed that I had this Red Dragon, they had no idea I had been hiding him. I was mortified that he had been discovered.

That was when I decided I needed help. I went to see a dragon expert to tell him of my problems. He reassured me that my Red Dragon was quite normal, in fact more people owned one than I realised. He suggested that I take him to a specialist dragon clinic to understand how to better manage him.

It was there that I discovered that there are all sorts of different dragons. Big ones, little ones, fat ones, thin ones, blue ones, green ones. And my Red Dragon.

Talking about my Red Dragon with other people who owned one seemed to help. After a while, my dragon didn’t seem that big after all.

I came to understand that I couldn’t get rid of him. He would always live with me, and his friend the Black Dog would likely pop round for visits occasionally too. But I learned that I needed to show him who is boss.

He still insists on coming everywhere with me but I try to be firm. Sometimes though he gets his way and tags along.

But I don’t hide him anymore. I am not embarrassed or ashamed. If he makes an appearance, I just explain to people who he is.

My Red Dragon.

Today's weight - 11st

Thoughts

* Happy Star Wars day!

* A weekened of eating flith sees my weight barely shift but there was definite movement in my mental state. With the fight of the century on, I decided a pizza and some other snacks would be ok but then spent most of the night / morning procrastinating to self about what I was eating to the point that what went into my stomach was more importan than the fight. In the end, I retrospectively came to the justification of 'it's only one weekend, I think I'm allowed,' but it was torture getting there.

* My target weight remains 10st 6lbs. I gave myself until the end of the year to achieve it and I think that remains a realistic ambition. I must also acknowledge that, fight night apart, I have been allowing more snacking and so it should come as no surprise that I have failed to move below 10st 13lbs on a consistent basis. A return to a more disciplined diet appears to be in order, with some leeway allowed for the kids' birthdays that are forthcoming.

*Anxiety continues to dominate most aspects of my life. Awareness is good, as is the knowledge that these are issues that can be overcome, but it is proving difficult to manage by myself.

* I like to use metaphors to illustrate aspects of my mental health in an attempt to try and help others understand.

On this theme, I have come to consider my anxiety as like being a balloon trapped in a box. At the beginning, when the balloon has no air (or anxiety), everything is still and calm. But as time goes on, it starts to fill with air. Slowly at first, but the pressure soon begins to build. The balloon is happy though, it has plenty of room to expand. But soon, as it gets bigger, it starts to believe that the box it is in is covered by invisible pins, ready to prick and burst the balloon. They can't be seen, but the balloon just knows that they are there. But worrying about the pins just seems to make the balloon fill with air quicker, only now it can't stop, the air coming in faster and faster, the pins only millimeteres away until...

*POP*

The balloon bursts. Not from a pin, they never existed. Instead, whilst worrying about pins that weren't there in the first place, the balloon lost sight of the fact that if it didn't stop taking in air then it would burst anyway.

* Work also remains a constant thought stream in two flavours.

Firstly, the issue of progresssion. My instincts are to always push myself for more but then my instincts led me to hospitalisation so can they be trusted? Redundancy continues to cast a shadow too. Metaphor time!

I look at like I am a football manager. I joined a lower league team, first as just a coach but quickly found myself asked to manage the team. We had early success, getting promoted, expectation increasing. It seemed only a matter of time before we reached the Premier League. But then our form started to drop, subtely at first, until all of a sudden we found ourselves in a slump of form we couldn't get out of. I received the dreaded vote of confidence before we parted ways 'by mutual consent,' any good achieved cancelled out in my mind by the way things ended.

Then, after a short break, I find myself offered a job on the coaching staff by a rival team. It is strange not being in charge but I enjoy someone else having the responsibility. But soon I get the itch to manage again, only I am not sure that I retain the passion to do so. I invested everything in my last team, my hometown club, I am not sure I have the desire to do it again.

* Secondly, the issue of identity. This has flared up with the forthcoming election, as well as during my Football Manager save. At a fundamental level, I don't know who I am, what I believe in and what I want out of life. I try to think about it, to define my place and my mind appears to just cloud over and drift. I cannot focus.

Perhaps this is depression, or a legacy thereof. Perhaps it speaks to the fact that I have become lost in a sea of mediocrity. Or perhaps it is who I am.