1066 All Stars

End of week 6 - 12th October

Starting weight - 12 st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 7lb

New weight - 11st 8lb

Comments

* A pound gained from last week but to be honest, a pretty good result all things considered. The last two weekends have seen me out and away from my usual routines. And, with a treat of pizza (and a visit to nanny's), the diet has effectively been placed on hold for a couple of days. I guess what I'm saying is, it could have been worse.

* A hard week emotionally. My mood has been extremely low all week and I am struggling to grasp whether it is simply that or if the spectre of depression looms. Perhaps the best strategy is not to dwell on it, otherwise I might talk myself into a depressive cycle. Therapy taught me the fundamental lesson of choice. We do not choose to be depressed but if I wake up in a low mood, I can choose how to react to it. I can choose to allow depression to dominate my mood that day. Or, I can choose to do things differenly, to attempt to work my way through it. It is easier said than done but half the battle is recognising and accepting that this fundamental choice exists.

* With autumn now upon us, and the weather already taking a downward turn, I need to think about how to fit exercise into my routine. The lunhtime walk is likley to face more disruption so it is important to try and find an alternative.

* My anxiety levels are seemingly at an all time high. The slightest thing seems to trigger it and set me off; A simply question or statement, such as what we need to do that week or something we need to buy, sends me into a cycle of fear and panic, my mind telling me that I can't make a decision, that I don't have time, asking why someone else can't just do it because I am not capabale; I found myself in a room full of people I didn't know and near enough panicked, desperate to find a corner to hide in; I turned into Sainsbury's car park, found the work being down had closed the exit to the lane I drove down and froze, forgetting the basic controls to the car, the guy coming the other way having to inch his way round me; even the sound of my children playing and laughing is like finger nails down a blackboard. It is a state of hyper stimulation making it impossible to relax.

* It happens at work too but my natural mask wearing instinct seems to kick in. Others probably don't notice but when put in a pressure or decision making situation, internally I panic, my mind racing. On the outside though, I maintain a clam exterior until eventually the panic level subsides and I am able to think clearly.

* At the same time, my neck pain has increased and it seems likely that the two are linked. It starts at my neck, creeps up the back of my skull before enveloping my whole head. At the same time, it spreads across my shoulders and down my back, my whole top half locking up. Sometimes it hurts simply to stand still, other times it hurts to turn my head. It undoubtedly makes me feel more tired, directly affecting my ability to work and to achieve my goals. In turn, it both feeds and is fed by my depression and anxiety issues. I have a physio appointment to look forward to in the next 2-3 months but will need to manage it carefully in the meantime. 

* This week I asked my Facebook freinds to share the links to my books to try to drum up some interest. I only have 40 friends on Facebook, in part a legacy of waking up in a bad mood one day and deleting a bunch of people. It was petty and likely a result of one of my mental health triggers coming into play. I regret it but it is done. I was disappointed therefore to find that only a couple of people took the time to share the links. I pondered whether to acknowledge this on my status, ultimately deciding to post something relatively sarcastic, indirectly criticising those who didn't share. Again, it was pretty petty and I considered deleting it (much as I am considering deleting this entry even whilst I type it) but I thought it important to live with the consequences of my actions. It was how I felt at the time. I am responsible for my actions, right or wrong.

9th October

Food Log

Breakfast - Bran flakes & sultanas

Lunch - Chicken curry with rice

Dinner - Pizza!

Dessert - Cornetto

In Between Meal Snacks

2x rice cakes

Banana

Thoughts & Feelings

* I had promised myself a dietary treat this week and so here it is. It makes somewhat of a mockery of having 'dinner' at lunch time but so be it. It's one day. Well two, the pizza will do dinner tomorrow as well. I've been pretty good for the last month and a bit, I'm not going to beat myself up for it.

* What a horrible week. There has been no specific incident but my mood has been very low all week. There have been lots of negative, repetitive thoughts, lots of feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. I don't think any of it is caused by the diet. I'm no scientist so I don't know if the change around of carbs would have any impact in that sense. At a conscious level though, I have been satisfied with my meal arrangements, the rigid mindset that 'dinner' must always be an evening meal has been shattered.

* My low mood may, in part, be a reflection of a conditional called S.A.D. or Seasonal Affective Disorder. The timing fits, as do, frankly, the symptoms (low mood, lack of interest, lethargy), although these symptons could equally apply to common or garden depression. I was certainly incredibly frustrated when heavy rain prevented me from getting out of the office for a lunchtime walk. Frustrated both that I would miss out on exercise (and therefore not lose weight, and get fat, and never hit my weight target, and give up and...so runs the anxious, negative mind). But also because I just needed to get out and stretch my legs.

* I suspect though it is mainly a reflection of where I find myself at the moment. I am frustrated on a number of levels. I want my writing to take off but I need support, awareness and distribution. At the moment, I cannot realistically define it as any more than a hobby. I think I'm pretty good at writing, good enough certainly to be paid in some form or fashion. But at the moment, I am stuck with my 40 Facebook friends and 80 odd Twitter followers.

* I don't know where persistent low mood ends and depression begins. It is a fine line and I seem to be walking it.

* I am very conscious of my anxiety levels being high at the moment. The slightest provocation seems to set me off. I suspect that anxiety as a condition is difficult for non-sufferers to fully grasp and so I will try to explore it in another piece shortly.

* My daily neck pain has also become all consuming, fuelling my anxiety and low mood. I am awaiting a physio appointment, which is a positive development. It cannot go on like this for much longer.

End of week 5 - 4th October

Starting weight - 12 st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 8lb

New weight - 11st 7lb

Comments

* An early weigh in due to uncertainty over meal plans this weekend, so I wanted to ensure the result was not skewed.

* Well, it's better than nothing I guess but after a week of salad for dinner, lunchtime walks and even turning down a twix (mmm...), I was hoping to have lost more than 1 pound.

* Let's put this in perspective though. I can see that I have lost some fat. I can feel the difference. And so I have to believe that the minor weight differential is caused by increased muscle from the regular exercise, which of course weighs more than fat. I had been cautious in wanting to embrace that thought as it can seem like an excuse but I think it is a reasonable assumption at this point.

* I have missed the food log to an extent. It is a really useful tool for keeping you honest about what you eat and really making you think before reaching for something. For anyone thinking of embarking on a healthy eating regime (not a diet, a sustainable regime), I highly recommend the procees. Despite not physically maintaining the diary, I retained the concept in my mind, helping to structure my day.

* My mood has been very low all week. How much of this is down to the change in diet? How much is part of a depressive mindset? It is difficult to tell. My dietary change has certainly created challenges. I have been noticeably more tired in the afternoon, perhaps reflecting the increased midday carb intake and overall reduced calories. At the same time though, there has been little in the way of disappointment over my evening meal, the salad has been quite satisfactory.

* That said, I'm fixing to give myself a treat at some point next week. Nothing major, I don't want t a big blow out that puts the weight back 3 or 4 pounds, but just something that acknowledges the progress made.

* I suspect that the greater part of my low mood is a genuine mental state. I do not like to hold back in blogs but it is prudent to do so here. There is something bothering me that I don't know how to resolve short term and there is a very real danger that it will drag me down into depression. I must call on my therapy toolbox to see me through this.

* After the free download offer, my second book was downloaded 40 times, including downloads from as far away as Mexico and Canada. Who knows if half the people who downloaded it will read it but it's nice nonetheless. Just a shame I don't make any money from it!

* Speaking of which, I think my writing is contributing to my low mood. Releasing two books, self published or not, makes it tangible and yet at the next moment, I turn round and find myself back in the real world, surrounded by people who have no idea that I do this. It is frustrating. i feel like I have something to say, an important message to share and yet only a handful of people are listening.

* Pain watch - a bad week. Doctor is booked for monday, he's gonna get it.

Day 30 - 30th September

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix minis

Lunch - Jacket potato with salad

Dinner - Chicken curry with vegetables

Dessert - Flapjack

In Between Meal Snacks

2x crackerbread

Apple

Banana

Thoughts & Feelings

* The last day of the month, which seems a reasonable place at which to end this food blog. Therefore this will be the final daily entry.

* I have enjoyed writing this blog (even though no one seems to be reading it) and found it useful as a means to keep track of my food intake and explore my daily feelings. So, whilst this is the final entry in this format, I may look to maintain a weekly. fortnightly or monthly blog. I'm not sure yet.

* My lunchtime walk is fast becoming the highlight of my day. I enjoy the time alone, just me and whatever wrestling podcast or music I am listening too. I enjoy the fresh air. And I enjoy the exercise.

* I can feel that my leg muscles have improved, there is a very distinct 'spring' in my step, (almost) literally rather than figuratively.

Day 29 - 29th September

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix minis

Lunch - Jacket potato with salad

Dinner - Leftover chicken with veg

Dessert - Yoghurt with chocolate balls

In Between Meal Snacks

2x rice cakes

Apple

Thoughts & Feelings

* I was alarmed to see that it was raining this morning, which might prevent me getting a lunchtime walk. It is interesting to note my reaction as I was very disappointed at the prospect of not getting out, rationalising in my mind what level of wetness would be tolerable versus how I could fit in some exercise elsewhere in the day. As it turned out, I was able to get out as normal.

* What a marked change though from wanting to do anything but exercise to being desperate to do so.

* Talking of marked changes, I was given another opportunity today to reflect on the importance of mentality to a regime change such as this. When choccies and biscuits were proffered, my immediate reaction was, 'I would rather lose weight than eat chocolate.' It is not so long ago that I had convinced myself that I was not mentally ready to lose weight, that my fragile / depressive mindset needed the comfort that snacking and binge eating provides. The sugar rush has been replaced by the endorphins of exercise.

* A combination of washing on the rack plus a sandpit resulted in a forced switch to the 34 inch trousers today. And...they fit fine. I was right to wait as, whilst they fit, it is a snug fit. Had I tried earlier, I may have become disheartened. Proof again that this plan is working.

* Talking of being disheartened, I think I have now largely moved through the phase where I would throw in the towel in the event of a disappointing weigh in. I have proven to myself what can be done, even in a very short space of time. There is a way to go yet but I have a realistic Christmas weight target in mind. Losing weight will only get harder from here as there is less to play with so I must be mindful to be patient and to be kind to myself.

* I received a lovely e-mail from my (former) therapist today, speaking kindly of my book. She even mentioned that she refers it to some patients where applicable, which is a wonderful compliment. Combined with yesterday's news, I am feeling very positive about my writing. I hope that you are enjoying these instalments as much as I feel the benefit from writing them.

* Pain watch - mainly across the shoulders today, necessitating some pills. It is a shame that I can't swap heads with someone for a day so that I could get some perspective on the level of pain and discomfort I have compared to a 'normal' person. It is difficult to know if what I am experiencing is minor, major or somewhere in between. All I know is that it very often hurts. Sure, not as much as jumping onto a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts.

* Declines - chocolate, biscuits, sweets

Day 28 - 28th September

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix minis

Lunch - Ham salad baguette

Dinner - Roast chicken dinner

Dessert - Yoghurt with chocolate balls

In Between Meal Snacks

2x rice cakes

Apple

Thoughts & Feelings

* Another day where I wondered where the exercise might come from but with a bit of forethought, I managed to fit in a walk with the girls.

* Pain Watch - lots of pain across shoulders and neck today, culminating with a stinking headache and tiredness in the evening. Booking doctor's appointment next week.

End of week 4 - 28th September

Starting weight - 12 st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 10lb

New weight - 11st 8lb

Comments

* A change of weigh in time from Monday to Sunday for two principle reasons. 1) I was weighing in after a roast on Sunday night, which may skew the result. 2) I started looking forward to Monday morning so that I could check my progress, causing me to, in part, wish the weekend away.

* A nice incremental decrease the last 2 weeks and validation of what I am doing. And of course motivation to continue.

* Despite this, my initial reaction was still one of disappointment that I hadn't lost more. I can feel a difference, there are definitely less wobbly bits to grab. But I still feel fat. This is of course labeling, something to be avoided.

* I still really want to eat more, which makes me feel that this plan is not sustainable in its current form. That's okay though. Once I am down to about 11st 3lb, I may relax the rules a little bit. I have proved to myself what can be achieved, it gives me some 'wiggle room' where I don't have to drown myself in guilt if I eat the occasional bit of naughty food.

Day 27 - 27th September

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix minis

Lunch - 2x ham salad rolls, pickled onion

Dinner - BBQ chicken chargrill and salad

Dessert - Ice cream

In Between Meal Snacks

2x rice cakes

Banana

Cookie

Thoughts & Feelings

* I did consider just the one roll but was concerned about possible hunger later in the day. It was a genuine dliemna, I don't want to eat for the sake of it but I don't want to abstain stubbornly. In the end, I decided that, at that time of day, and knowing I had salad for dinner, the carbs and calories were justified.

* I was concerned where I would squeeze in exercise today but in the end managed to fit in not one but two walks with the girls.

* Declines - chips

Pain watch 

* I felt nauseous this morning and wasn't sure whether to attribute it to neck pain or hunger, hence the 2 rice cakes. It passed so I guess it was hunger.

* Some discomfort later in the afternoon, stretching down my upper back and across my shoulders. Basically my daily pain.

* No major headaches today though.

* I seem to have also doscivered a pain in my foot. It almost feels like I have a broken toe, which is unfortunate given my propensity for walking. I am quite certain that it isn't broken, so I will walk through the pain.

Day 26 - 26th September

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix minis

Lunch - Pork curry with rice

Dinner - Chicken drumsticks with salad

Dessert - Ice cream

In Between Meal Snacks

Plum

Apple

3x rice cakes

1x chocolate (it's Friday)

Thoughts & Feelings

* Friday. The end of the working week seems to bring an added desire to snack, to 'treat myself' after a long week. I caved by having a 3rd rice cake, relatively innocent but I retain some guilt. As for the chocolate? I blame peer pressure.

* Declines - sausage roll, cake.

* There is one undeniable fact - my kids are the biggest cause of stress in my life. That may sound harsh but it is true. Let's make something clear though; much as they drive me crazy sometimes, I love my children and would not want to trade the life I have with them for a life without them. Now, with that being said, I had never experienced anger, frustration, anxiety, tiredness and any number of other things to the level I do since having them.

* This manifests mainly at weekends. As terrible as it sounds, in part I dread the weekend because it means two whole days with them with no escape. I have to find things to do and the energy to do them. but I feel so tired, all the time. Would I rather be at work? Of course not. Would I rather be on my own? No, that is just fantasising, I would not wish it in reality.

* I say these things because I feel them but this is not meant as a rant or diatribe. For better and worse, my kids are a part of me, a part I want. If a job becomes too stressful, you always have the option to leave. The kids are here for life. Therefore it is a stress I both want and need to learn to manage.  And so the point of this post is recognising that I don't want to feel this way. I want to change.

* Despite the end of week fatigue, I was really looking forward to my lunchtime walk and gobbled down my food quickly to give me the maximum walking time (45 minutes). Feeling better now. Sweaty, but better.

* I really want to go for a run. It is something that came up in my pre-Priory therapy but I always resisted, some level of embarrassment at the back of my mind putting me off. Therapy has taught me the importance of change, of doing things differently to achieve a different result. I am not going to put a timescale on it but it is a short term target to get out for a jog.

* Therapy showed me the nefarious influence of negative automatic thoughts, those instantaneous reactions that serve to distort our world view. For instance, a compliment paid to another is not, as a by-product, a criticism of me. My self worth is not reliant on the merits or otherwise of another. Apparently I need to remind myself of this occasionally.

* I have become so accustomed to it that the pain caused by my neck is almost just a feature of everyday life. I have fused vertebrae in my neck which causes a daily pain through my neck, across my shoulders, down my back and also brings on headaches. Some days are worse than others but every day brings discomfort at some level or other. It is easy to overlook but I am convinced that this is feeding into my overall health. It is energy sapping being in constant pain. It is exacerbated by tension, the pain masked by adrenalin but I know that the comedown the next day, when the muscles have relaxed and retracted, will bring even greater discomfort, a symptom of my Weekend Blues (Saturdays are the worst, by Sunday my system seems to even itself out a bit, ready for another week of abuse to start on Monday). The doctor says it is just one of those things but a prescription of 'grin-and-bear-it' is wearing thin.

Day 25 - 25th September

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix minis

Lunch - pork curry with rice

Dinner - Chicken drumstick with salad

Dessert - Millionaires Cheesecake

In Between Meal Snacks

2x Plum

Handful of grapes

2x crackerbread

Thoughts & Feelings

* Really tired today. The usual work related tension has undoubtedly contributed but I suspect my eating habits are playing a part too and it is something I need to address. By late afternoon / early evening, I am dead on my feet. Now, after dinner, I feel much better.

* Perhaps the old cliche of 'little and often' applies here.

* The most useful aspect of maintaining this blog is the food log. There was a moment last week when I thought about eating something but the prospect of listing it here, reminding me of my gluttony for all eternity, was enough to put me off. It really helps to generate accountability and responsibility for my own actions. I am in control.