1066 All Stars

Middle of week 15 - 10th December

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 2lb

New weight - 11st 3lb

Comments

* Nothing important happened today.

The following is an extract from a thread I maintain on the Sports Interactive forums. The thread details my experience in Football Manager 2014 and explores how my mental health issues manifest themselves within the game.

You can find the full thread here.

Who Manages The Manager?

Approaching Christmas in 2020 seems a good point at which to stop and take stock of where I am in my FM journey.

My save has thrown up all sorts of mental health issues but then that was the point. These are real life issues, they are not caused by FM, they simply manifest here. So let’s explore some of the common themes and try to understand what they mean.

Let’s Get Tactical

I used to always start as Liverpool and, inspired by Rafa, would always deploy a 4231, rigidly sticking to the mindset that Steven Gerrard simply HAD to play at AMC regardless of how it affected the rest of the team’s shape. But more than that, I simply HAD to use certain role and duty combinations. Other roles were off limits.

In this save, I wanted to break this mindset. I didn’t know the players so could I develop something organically. I started with a rigid, long ball 442 to keep things simple. Reacting to what I watched, this became a mixed passing, balanced 442, utilising a target man and width down the flanks. I stuck with this until it saw me go on a 17 game losing streak, ending in rage quit.

Starting again, I made adjustments, alternating between complex and simple, never trusting my own judgement, always seeking validation in the forums. Ultimately I ended with a 4231. But I consciously set about trying something new, utilising a 4141, then a 433 before ultimately coming back to 4231. And now I have developed something that seems to work, an asymmertrical 4231 with an attacking winger on one side and a supporting winger on the other, two playmakers and a defensive forward, all with a rigid philosophy.

What we learn – the rigid mindset seen at the outset is borne of two things. First, some OCD issues, a belief that things must be done this way otherwise a phantom rule is broken. Secondly, a fear of failure, a fear of trying something new, of blazing my own path. This second belief system comes from an underlying lack of confidence, a sense that others know best. If no-one else has done it, I am wrong to try.

Where are we now – the rigidity is broken, ironically seeing as I am using a rigid philosophy. I am utilising roles and duties I have never used before. I believe that I could start at any club in the game and, rather than trying to squeeze the players into my own pre-defined idea of a formation, could instead develop something that suits the assets at hand. I always expected to develop a singular strategy but instead I have developed a sense of freedom. Sometimes rigid is best. Other times fluid. It is contextual based on whatever you are trying to achieve. I have been successful. I can take confidence from this success.

Highlight Reel

I become incredibly anxious watching highlights. Whenever the other team attacks, I have a sense of dread that we are about to concede, then we’ll lose and it is all because my tactic has been found out, I am no good, the save is a disaster, my career thread a waste…and so on.

And this anxiety builds up. The next game is a defeat. Then the next. There is no context that can explain this, I am simply incapable, the game is destined to end in disaster. And so I quit.

Prior to this save, I would always start as Liverpool. But I wouldn’t ever actually play the game, not really. A successful campaign saw me get past Christmas. I once switched off because we lost a game. I once switched off because a player signed for someone else. I once switched off because a player got injured. I once switched off because the staff member I wanted hadn’t been automatically generated. I once switched off because Steven Gerrard reacted unfavourably to a team talk. I once switched off because in our first friendly against the under 21’s, we only won 2-0.

What we learn – the underlying issue here is clearly my anxiety but what causes this anxiety? Again, there is clearly some OCD influence here. But it also comes back to one of my most common mental health triggers, the negative automatic thinking errors. It is black and white, perfection or disaster with no room for an in between. Life is not black and white, it is a series of greys. We do not have a real life three month auto rolling save. Many a time an event has occurred and my primary reaction is to run away, quit my job, build a time machine and fix everything. But I can’t because life doesn’t work that way, instead we must learn to cope with disappointment. My actions in FM demonstrate what happens when I have the option. I can start over, so I do. But I have a sense that it is wrong and so I must be punished. It is not enough to reload a save, I must start again right from the beginning, every single time.

Where are we now – this one caused a different anxiety. During this save, I rage quit. I reloaded an old save but I felt incredibly guilty, as if I had conned anyone who had read the thread. I reconciled in my mind that this thread was not about the actions taken but rather my reaction to them and so carried on. But then it happened again. And again, until finally it became the norm. I had traded in one unhealthy behaviour (safety net of a restart with punishment) for a new one (safety net of reload with no fear of failure). In a sense there was a positive. I had learned to treat FM like a game. But it came with a strong negative. Failure was now off the table, I could simply manipulate my way to victory. I was cheating myself. I still pursued perfectionism but now it manifested in a new way. I had created a safety net, I no longer had to deal with adversity.

But there is even more at play here. I was judging myself. Does it matter if I cheat? Isn’t it more important that I enjoy the game? I have 3 kids, time is precious. I made a conscious decision that to enjoy my limited game time, I needed to be moving forward. Was it the right decision? Who knows, but there is no need to judge myself for it. Acceptance is the only way.

And not only that, but black and white thinking is again in play. If it were possible to tally up the games I manipulated, it would count for no more than half a season over the course of my save. Of course it played a part in my success but fundamentally I achieved this based on my own actions and decisions, the reloads effectively giving me another opportunity to learn. I wish I hadn’t done it. I wish that I had the fortitude to see it through. But I will not judge myself for it. And I will not dwell on it. Mindfulness teaches us to live in the present.

Do You Want To Build A Football Team?

I agonise over signings, always assuming the one that got away is better than the one I signed. On two occasions in this save, I have built a new squad in pre-season only to reload the save to undo the work I had done. The squad I have now, despite being built logically, appears lopsided and locked to a certain way of playing. I don’t know how to identify good players, I don’t know how to develop them.

What we learn – confidence, decision making, judgement of self, mindfulness (or lack thereof), all these things are coming in to play.

Where are we now – well I have got promoted from the Skrill South to the Championship and am on course for promotion to the Premier League by 2021. I must be reasonably good at this, right? Mistakes made are gone, I can do nothing about them. Mindfulness tells me to live in the present, to accept. And so I rebuilt my tactic to take advantage of what I have and it has worked. Despite the fact that my team is inherently inferior to those around us, we are holding our own and overachieving. That is down to me. I can be pleased with my efforts. I can take confidence from them.

Phew, this is turning into a longer post than I imagined so let’s stop here for now.

One final thought though, something that runs absolutely central to my ongoing recovery from mental illness – the importance of change. We must become the change we want to see. If you keep doing things the same way, you will keep getting the same result. This is as true in FM as it is in life.

I choose to change.

End of week 14 - 6th December

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 2lb

New weight - 11st 2lb

Comments

* How dull. But a good dull as 11st 2lbs seems to have become the new norm, despite the giant Nando's I had yesterday.

* I'm still hopeful of getting down to 11st before Christmas but I will not put any undur pressure on myself. If I go back to my very first Mental Healthy Eating blog, below 11st was always a longer term target, so I am ahead of schedule.

* Yesterday threw up a really concerning period of anxiety from the most innocuous ofcircumstances. I am not going to document the incident as I am concerned that blogging about each and every one may actually have a deleterious effect, becoming a means to dwell rather than truly deal with the problem. Suffice to say I was disappointed in how quickly and easily my defences were broken and that a sinmply set of circumstances quickly overwhelmed me, affecting my mood for the rest of the evening.

* A reminder if it was needed that however far I have come, there remains a long way to go.

Throughout my gaming history, I have encountered the good and the bad, but there are some games that stay with you. Some games that you just wish you could go back and experience. Emulation is great but the one thing you can never capture is that moment of playing again for the first time.

And so I present a list of five such games. They are not necessarily the best games but they each had a moment that has stayed with me.

The Rules

1. Only one game per machine

 2. This is a retro feature, so nothing later than PS2

Gauntlet (Arcade)

The quintessential multiplayer game and one of the games that set me on the path of a life long love of the medium.

From the character selection (everyone wants to be the warrior, right?), to the first few rooms as you and up to 3 chums work together, watching each others backs, sharing treasure, strategically allocating health according to greatest need.

But then something magical happens. You realise that you can shoot the food.

Cue a mad free-for-all as you gleefully fight to reach the next pot of treasure, hanging back so that your over eager colleague dives into the fighting first, desperately scrambling for keys to that room that you can never quite reach, cheering triumphantly as you reach the next stage. And then finally, that mad, blind panic as you boldly step into the transport tile, only to materialise in THAT room full of ghosts, watching on helplessly as your back-to-the-wall last gasp fight ends with the agonising, toe curling 'urgh'.

Cage Match (Spectrum)

There were hundreds of games released on the Spectrum, dozens of indisputable classics and this was...not one of them.

So why does it make the list? Because it taught my 8 year old self an important lesson.

Picture the scene. WWF wrestling is spreading across the world. Hulkamania is running wild (brother), you are browsing the game section in WH Smiths and this one title catches your eye. Cage Match!

You dig deep into your pockets but come up short. No! But wait, here comes your brother so you pool resources and hand over your £1.99. You dash home, taking turns on the bus to read the back cover of the cassette, excitement building as you storm through the front door, switch off whatever drivel Dad is watching, plug in the trusty Spectrum, somehow endure the agonising wait as the game loads as only a Spectrum game can until finally it is here and you take control of your avatar, ready to lock horns with your CPU controlled adversary in combat so bloodthirsty it can only be held in by a cage...which he promptly runs up the side of and wins.

Is that it? Surely there must be some mistake. Eagerly you read through the scant instructions again, looking for some nugget of information missed. Nope.

The controller is passed around, perhaps someone else will discover the secret of this undoubted moment of video gaming history? Nope.

Desperately, forlornly, you come back to it each day, hoping against fading hope that there is more. Nope.

You have learned an important lesson.

Some games are crap.

Sensible Soccer (Amiga)

There had been football games before of course. Matchday 2, Emlyn Hughes International Soccer, Kick Off. Even Microprose Soccer, coded by Sensible Software themselves.

Sensi wasn't the best looking game on the Amiga. Technically it paled in comparison to the fare available on consoles. But it was more than that. The intuitive control, the speed, the multiplayer, the sense of character, the catchy music, the depth, the just-one-more-go-ness.

It was surpassed by it's sequels, culminating in the mighty SWOS 96/97, the follow ups introducing cards, international teams, editors, after touch, goalies who actually saved shots. Yet it is the original to which we should pay homage.

As a series, this is the greatest game ever to grace the Amiga and one of the finest games in the history of videogames.

You can keep your FIFA and your PES. THIS is football.

Metal Gear Solid (PS1)

The inspiration behind this piece and one of the seminal titles of a generation. MGS introduced the gaming world to stealth, tactical fighting and action. And cut scenes, lots of cut scenes.

This is a game that makes you want to stop and applaud, the type of game that is almost as much fun to watch as it is to play. A technical marvel at the time, matched by the quality of its gameplay.

The highlights of MGS will go down in gaming folklore. From your first stealth kill, to hiding in a box to avoid detection, the adrenalin rush when you are spotted by the guards, the awesome codec system, when you realise the code you are looking for is on the GAME case, to possibly the greatest boss battle in gaming history when Psycho Mantis takes control of your pad and reads your mind.

As with other games on this list, technically this has undoubtedly been surpassed by its sequels. But its enduring appeal, evidenced by a cameo in MGS4, is a testament to its genius.

GTA: Vice City (PS2)

If GTA3 established the mould, Vice City refined it.

The genius of GTA games is that each player will find their own highlight. The missions were only ever half the fun, there was a whole world to explore. Part of the fun was going off track, thinking you had ended up in a dead end, only to stumble across an off road race or hidden trophy. The characters were deep, the Scarface influence and 80’s setting adding a unique charm, as did the joy of the, ‘wait, is that who I think it is?’ voice acting.

But there is perhaps no gaming highlight that can surpass the sheer joy of tearing along the beachfront on your freshly stolen bike listening to Billie Jean.

The GTA series continues to get bigger and better but for that one moment of unbridled, ‘holy crap, look what I can do’ sensation that videogames bring, Vice City has no peer.

Middle of week 14 - 3rd December

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 2lb

New weight - 11st 2lb

Comments

* At some point I'll stop being surprised. After stuffing my face on Saturday night, and with exercise rather limited so far this week, I was quite prepared for some increase in weight. The weigh in is therefore a pleasant surprise and once again validates my feeling that I have built in a level of resilience, meaning that I can afford the odd 'slip' here and there.

* That said, I must still be careful. I reached a similar point in my last great weight loss, surprising myself when not packing on weight after indulging in a huge bag of crisps. Balance, as ever, is the key to a sustainable plan.

* Some interesting reactions this week though. You can read my full thoughts on the weekend in 'Take The Long Road And Walk It' but in terms of this blog, I noted how guilty I felt at having such a large meal on Saturday. I enjoyed the evening but had the nagging thought in the back of my mind that I would pay for it when the weigh in came. Same with missing an exercise session. I didn't take a lunch break yesterday after getting in late and the single missed walk caused me some anxiety.

What is the cause of these thoughts? Catastrophising, one of my common thought errors. I have difficulty seeing perspective on an issue, my mind creating a black and white scenario where everything is either good or bad, bad meaning THE WORST THING EVER, with no series of grades in between. I recognise it, which is good, but the key now is to try and figure out how to address it.

* I finally saw the physio this week for my ongoing neck issues and was fascinated by what I discovered.

I am very aware the my experience at The Priory last year was a life changing event. It gave me a unique opportunity to review my life, understand the consequences of the choices I had made and the external factors that affected me. The majority of my writing since (in fact the very act of writing itself) has been influenced in some way by my time there.

And it came to the fore again at the physio. Firstly in a very practical sense. The physio took me through the issues I was experiencing and demonstrated that these were not physiological per se, there is nothing fundamentally broken or wrong. Specific movements and exercises can help to relieve the symptoms but it is important to understand the cause of the pain. And so I must evaluate my actions; how I pick up objects, my posture, where I carry tension and how I release it. The guidance was familiar to me both in the science (the effect of cortisol levels released by stress) and the theory (understand the underlying problem, treat the cause, change).

But as a secondary influence, I noted simply my ability to accept. If you break down the advice given, it effectively amounts to the fact that I must make changes. I encountered the same scenario at The Priory. I have spoken about this before but when I first entered therapy, I assumed I was broken, fundamentally flawed. I wanted that validation that there was something wrong with me, giving me a reason to withdraw from life. But slowly I began to understand that in fact the factors that affected my mental health were within my control. I had to change, for without change we are destined to remain in the same unhealthy cycle. Only once I accepted this fundamental fact could I begin the road to recovery.

And so I find that I can accept this advice from the physio. It is not my fused vertebrae. It is not some congenital flaw. It is my life and how I lead it. I can change.

There are moments on the road to recovery where you feel you have taken a wrong turn. That's not a problem in and of itself. The road is not straight, the detours of life are a natural and necessary deviation. But occassionally, the path we have taken may lead us completely in the wrong direction and it is important to change course.

That is where I find myself. I have made significant progress since leaving therapy but recently have begun to take a few steps backwards, predominantly in terms of anxiety. I recgonise it, I see my thoughts and actions for what they are and I am determined to reverse course.

This past weekend brought up a number of issues, both specific and general, that I will explore in detail. As with all my writing, the key is not simply to document, this is not a 'woe is me' rant. The point is to understand so that I can change.

Self Fulfilling Prophecy

I have noted a few times in my Mental Healthy Eating blogs that weekends are often more difficult than weekdays. At face value this is bizarre. After all weekdays mean work whereas weekends mean family, which is surely preferable?

And yet weekend are often far more stressful. I feel a pressure to enjoy spending time with my kids. This pressure translates into a tension, the tension building up into frustration and anger that I release in front of / at the kids, which generates a cycle of guilt. Rinse, repeat.

The trouble is, I have now come to dread the weekend. As I write this, I note how much better my mood has been today at work. So what goes wrong at the weekend? I have created my own mood black hole, dreading an event before it ever materialises.

And if I breakdown the weekend, was it so terrible as I imagined? There are some specifics that I will document but basically, no. I have convinced myself that I am too tired, too distracted, too anxious to enjoy my children. Yet when dragged to the park, we had fun and I was glad we did it.

You won't like me when I'm angry

There was a very specific incident on Saturday that caused me to lose my temper in a way that I rarely do.

It was just after lunch and the girls wanted to go to the park. I was locked in the cycle of stress noted above, wanting just to sit and drink my tea. The girls were restless and started playing, eventually coming to the sofa where I was. Play fighting, they bumped into me and split my tea.

I roared at them in a way I had never done before, to the point that I reduced them both to tears and Leah scuttled off to mummy an inconsolable wreck.

Interestingly, my response was not automatic. I was very conscious of having a split second to think before I reacted, my anger becoming almost a deliberate outburst, perhaps to satisfy my own need as much as a genuine reaction of shock and annoyance.

Then, the thoughts came flooding in. I felt incredibly guilty. Instead of turning that guilt around and becoming a means by which to lighten up, the first reaction was for the guilt to push my mood lower, a self admonishment that would in fact only manifest on those around me. I felt ashamed at my parenting skills. I felt embarrassed to have reacted this way with other people in the house.

And so I followed my own advice and did things differently.

I sat the girls down separately and apologised for shouting, whilst also trying to explain to them why I had got angry. My mood did not instantly disperse but I felt a certain weight lift, felt I could move on with the day.

Eat The Rich

A lesser stress but noted all the same.

We went out for dinner that evening and my general low mood  / high stress continued. I sat with Aiden and, at 6 months, he just wants to grab everything. I told him off, getting annoyed at him, despite the fact that he doesn't understand, drawing a (quite correct) rebuke from Karen.

Then when dinner came, I became annoyed at the girls not eating their food, reminding them more than once that I would be paying good money for their meal, as if that means anything to them.

Why is money such a driver of stress to me? I have no idea how much we have but we are certainly not destitute. This manifests quite often. I have moments of deep reflection where I think about specific things I have bought over the years and what a waste of money they were. If the item does not have a practical purpose (such as being edible, useable, wearable etc) I struggle to understand its value, despite having wanted it in the first place. For a reason unknown, I place such a high value on money that any 'unnecessary' spend becomes a stick to beat myself with, another failure.

And Aiden? The simple truth is that I am finding fatherhood much more difficult second time around. Of course this time we have two other children running around, life cannot simply adjust to Aiden, rather it goes on around him. With the girls, I was on anti-depressants. This time, I am going it alone, albeit with my Priory toolbox always at hand. It is different, it is difficult and it is stressful.

I heard it said recently, why have children if you don't want to spend time with them? There is some truth in that but it also rather simplifies a more complex equation. I want my kids, they bring enrichment to my life. But they are also an incredible stress sometimes. It is okay to feel overwhelmed, to want some space, to fantasise a 'what if' scenario of living it up as a single man. Thoughts are just thoughts, they are not actions. I do not need to judge myself by them. I love my kids. I am doing my best. I will continue to try and do better.

Method, results, conclusion

So I have established the events, I have explored  the consequences. What are the conclusions?

Mindfulness. It all comes back to mindfulness.

Building up a fear of the weekend is my mind drifting to the future, filling in blanks, catastrophising. Instead, I seek to live in the present, taking each moment for what it is. What can possibly be more important, at that moment, than spending time with my children? What Facebook status cannot wait? What Tweet demands immediate attention? What household chore cannot be delayed? None. My children, my family, they are all that matters. I continue to strive to create moments that I can enjoy with them.

But there is also a recognition of the work involved. I noted at the outset of this blog how far I had come. Yet there remains a considerable distance to go before I get to where I want to be. It is a journey I cannot walk alone. I need help and support. Those closest to me probably see it, even if they do not fully understand. Talking about mental health with others reminds me how much I have learned, how much I have changed. But the journey is not complete. It never will be. I just keep trying to move forward.

One step at a time.

End of week 13 - 29th November

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 3lb

New weight - 11st 2lb

Comments

* Back down to 11st 2lbs (and 1/4 stat fans), once again giving me comfort that this is becoming a sustainable weight. It will be a very special moment for me when I get on the scales and see my weight dip below 11st. Almost there.

* The week has been disrupted from an exercise sense but the change of routine has not been unwelcome, the respite keeping the routine fresh and hopefully ensuring that it does not become a chore.

* It was noted this week that my mood appeared better. This was interesting to me on two levels. 1) that other people notice my mood and 2) the fact that it was true. I think one of the key elements to the improvement has been the absence of pain, ironically just before my physio appointment falls due.

* One note of caution though is that my weekend mood remains noticeably poorer than my weekday mood. I have attributed this to the absence of structure, the sense of pressure to enjoy time with the kids. What I want to be a relaxing, fun time too often turns into two days of 'should' and 'must' statements. This is not a fixed state though. This is behaviour driven and therefore can be changed.

* I have commented before how I appear to have lost some interest in football, a concern given the huge role it has played in my life. Just this week, I spurned the chance to watch Liverpool and watched Gotham instead. I had attributed this to the demands of parenthood, with a side order of depression. There is another possible cause though. I discuss football with (selected) people at work and remain passionate and well read. I dipped back into Football Manager this week and enjoyed myself. So perhaps there is more going on. Perhaps in fact it is circumstantial. I am not consistently around people who follow football closely. I only really discuss it at length when see my brother or Jon. The absence of interaction has seen it fall down the priority list. That is fine in itself but if there is a desire for it to be re-elevated, and I believe there is, I will need to consider how I allocate my time.

* This week I published my third book, Sins Of The Father, a short story collection. I was thinking what I may do next, outside of the potential children's story collection, and wondered whether my Mental Healthy Eating blogs may make interesting enough reading to be worthy of publishing. To be honest, I haven't read them. I write and post, I very rarely revisit so I have little objective sense of how they might read to someone else. It is worth considering though. I guess the true value of something is how much someone is prepared to pay for it.

Middle of week 13 - 26th November

Starting weight - 12 st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 2lb

New weight - 11st 3lb

Comments

* I try not to hope for a particular weight on the basis that if that hope is not met, it can only lead to disappointment. But what is life without hope? Balance under pins everything of course. Constantly thinking positively, to the surprise of some I suspect, is as unhealthy as negative thinking. But a sprinkling here and there keeps us going.

* Why am I rambling on about this? Because today I had hoped to get to 11st 1lbs. It was always a bit unrealistic. Whilst I recorded my last weight as 11st 2lbs, to be more precise it was 11st 2lbs 7/8ths so a minor variation is enough to push me back up to 11st 3lbs.

* I quite miss writing my daily blogs. They were a fun way to explore issues and maintain visibility and involvement in what I am eating. It became less of a blog and more of a diary that I shared with the world (if the world consisted of the 3 people who read this). On the other hand, writing blogs so frequently can risk straying into a little 'woe is me' territory as I strive for content. Instead of acknowledging an issue and moving on, it becomes a running theme, the point of the blog no longer to explore, understand and correct but simply to document. Altogether now...balance is the key.

* I had planned on publishing a second edition of 'Bring Me That Horizon' to add a further chapter with my more recent blogs. After careful consideration, and the unheard of step of actually talking to the wife, listening to what she had to say and agreeing with her, I have decided to hold off a potential second book for further down the line. My blog writing hasn't suddenly stopped, nor is it likely to in the near future and so I'll settle for correcting a couple of typos but leaving the content unchanged.

* I am close to publishing my short story collection. I am not entirely satisfied with it. I feel that I would be ripping people off if they buy it, much as I do when someone buys 'A Matter Of Time' (available now, folks). But it is difficult to maintain perspective on one's own work. Ultimately I guess judgement is for others. I have written it, if they choose to buy it then that is up to them. Look out for 'Sins Of The Father', coming soon to Amazon.

* On the other hand I am still not sure what to do with my children's stories. Of everything I have written, with the exception of a couple of particular blogs, this is the work I am most proud of. I genuinely believe these are good quality stories with important messages, some of them quite complex life lessons, hidden in the seemingly simple structure of a children's story. I want to publish them just to have them published but I also want to do them justice.

* A few pieces have popped up on the site recently so do have a sniff around. I wrote a piece on living with anxiety at Christmas ('The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year') that I hope people will take the time to read. This year will be the first without my Dad, which of course brings up its own feelings. It is important not to push them away but instead to sit with them, accept them, then let them pass in their own time.

The thoughts in my head go round and round

Round and round

Round and round

The thoughts in my head go round and round

All day long

*

Depression tried to tell me, 'You're no good'

'You're no good'

'You're no good'

Depression tried to tell me, 'You're no good'

All day long

*

Anxiety told me, 'It's all your fault'

'It's all your fault'

'It's all your fault'

Anxiety told me, 'It's all your fault'

All day long

*

The voices in the dark said there's no way back

No way back

No way back

The voices in the dark said there's no way back

All day long

*

But therapy showed me you can change

You can change

You can change

Therapy showed me you can change

All day long

*

And now recovery reminds me to be kind to myself

Be kind to myself

Be kind to myself

Recovery reminds me to be kind to myself

All day long

*

And my family tell me 'We love you daddy'

'We love you daddy'

'We love you daddy'

My family tell me 'We love you daddy'

All day long

*

And now the thoughts in my head are balanced and fair

Balanced and fair

Balanced and fair

The thoughts in my head are balanced and fair

And I'm okay.

I was somewhat surprised to realise that my healthy eating regime had been going for three months and it seemed a good time to take stock of what I have learned in that time.

Starting weight - 12st 4lbs

Current weight - 11st 2lbs

Conclusions

* Well the first thing to note is that it has worked. I had hoped to get below 12st and somehow achieved that target by the end of the first week. My secondary goal was to get to 11st 3lbs, my previous 'best', by Christmas, which I have achieved a month early. My next target of sub-11st now seems like a realistic target before the end of the year.

* They key to the success of the plan has been balance, a core tenet of mental health. It would be no good implementing some hardcore, militant regime where I tried to enforce too much discipline over food or try to squeeze in too much exercise. It was important to develop a plan that could be sustained indefinitely. As such, I haven't really cut anything out per se. My basic meals are unchanged, I simply switched lunch and dinner around to move carbs to earlier in the day. At the same time, I eliminated any unnecessary snacking, replacing a sugar laden biscuit with an air filled rice cake for instance. Exercise meanwhile has been gently built and then maintained. My lunch time walk has been sustained, the route varied to keep it fresh, the time taken to complete reducing as I became fitter. I even managed to go for a jog, not wholly successfully, but I was proud of myself for doing it. 

* One other core tenet of mental health that has manifested throughout this period is a subject that I have used as the framwork for a number of blogs and I make no apologies for repeating myself here - you can change. It is such a basic and yet fundamental concept to dealing with life.

From a mental health standpoint, this was key to my recovery. When I first entered therapy, I assumed that I was broken. I thought (hoped?) that there was something fundamentally wrong with me that meant I could not function in normal life. It came as something of a surprising revelation therefore to discover that I was the primary cause, and therefore solution, to my mental health issues. There are different types of depression. Some people have a chemical imbalance in their brain for instance. Mine was a cognitive depression, brought on by sustained, heightened anxiety, amongst other things. By addressing underlying thinking errors and unhealthy behaviours, I could lower my anxiety and banish my depression. It is not easy and it is a path I am still walking. But the skies above me look sunnier than those behind.

The same basic concepts are true of healthy eating. I had meant to start on a 'diet' several times over the last few months but always convinced myself that I couldn't. Part of the excuse was that I was not happy and did not see why I should make myself more miserable denying myself things I wanted at that time. Quite simply, I wanted to eat more than I wanted to lose weight. This is a thought and thoughts can be changed until they manifest in behaviour. And the change came almost instantly. Once I made the decision to embark on the new plan, it was like a switch going off in my mind. Suddenly I wanted to lose weight more than I wanted to eat. I had learned to accept that I was in control. I could change. If I wanted to.

* As the name implies, this regime was always about both healthy eating and mental health. I was keen to explore what effect one would have on the other. It is an oft stated point that exercise has a positive effect on mental health and I wanted to put that to the test. So, what did I discover?

Not much to be honest. Sure, I feel a little better about myself having lost a few pounds but there has been no great revelation, no sense that the fog of depression has been permanently dispersed. In fact in some ways my anxiety levels have never been higher. My daily blog entries are littered with instances where I have emotionally struggled to cope with an event, to the extent that I started an entire new thread, dedicated to anxiety issues.

What does this mean? Nothing. There is no magic pill Life is not a Hollywood film. It does not comprise those moments of revelation, backed by some poignant musical score. Instead, life unravels over time, whatever truths it has to reveal to us are done so in stages as we grow and learn. I go back to my original diagnosis of depression. Whilst I may have some underlying predisposition to mental illness, the cognitive errors that led me into depression were not to be solved by going for a couple of walks. These issues are with me for life. Each day I must confront them, must choose to go left instead of right. Healthy living is one of those choices.

* So, what now? The last time I embarked on a serious healthy eating plan it started at a similar time of the year to this one. I was waiting for an operation and my blood pressure was too high so I set about losing weight to try and reduce it. I always referred to it as a 'lifestyle change' but the truth is that after the operation, the plan quickly fell away, my weight ballooning as high as I can remember it. As such, it is difficult not to have concerns that this could go the same way, especially with Christmas coming up. But this feels different. As I said before, this has not been a diet and as a result, I have no serious cravings. My experiences with therapy are also key. I want to change.