1066 All Stars

Day 47 - 17th October

Food Log

Breakfast - Bran flakes with sultanas

Lunch - Foot long Subway (oh yeah) with coke (plus refill)

Dinner - Banana and 1.5x Belveta biscuit

Dessert - Carrot sticks, cucumber and apple

In Between Meal Snacks

2x rice cake

Go Ahead fruit slice (x3)

Thoughts & Feelings

* Lunch date today and with evening plans uncertain, I opted to fill up at lunch time. It's still healthy and the carbs are relatively early in the day. I did feel a little guilty about the extra coke but, hey, I paid for it (in a it-came-free-with-the-offer kind of way). Bottom line is that this is my main meal of the day so no regrets.

* The lunch time plans also meant no exercise, which is unfortunate but not a disaster.

* Forgot my apple, which is a bit annoying but it's absence is made up for my the extra salad in my Subway.

* No headache today. Some residual neck and shoulder pain but I have taken opportunities to move around and stretch, which seems to be helping.

* I actually feel pretty good today. I managed to comfortably fit into a polo shirt that I had long since abandoned for being too tight. I have been wearing my 36insch trousers, purely because they were the first ones I found but with the belt now on the final notch and my trousers still too loose, I think it is time for a permanent switch down to the 34's.

* I am actually looking forward to the weigh in this weekend. But whatever the scales say, I can feel the difference which at the end of the day, is more important than an arbitrary number.

* After my big lunch, I felt a little bloated. Rather pathetically, slightly self conscious in my (still somewhat) tight fitting, recently rediscovered polo shirt, I caught myself sucking my gut in a bit to hold up the pretence that I had a slim line, svelte figure.

* It remains noticeable how quickly I become agitated. I go from 0 to 100 with the girls almost instantly, and just as quickly regret the outburst. I have moments of genuine concern when I worry if I am causing them psychological damage or ruining my time with them during their most important, formative years.

* In a slightly different vein, I become anxious over the thought that I had overpaid for a round of drinks, the thought consuming me for about 30 minutes. I was conscious of it, which helped me to rationalise it, deal with it and ultimately forget about it and I am able to see the progress I have made by this act.

Day 46 - 16th October

Food Log

Breakfast - Bran flakes with sultanas

Lunch - Ham roll

Dinner - Turkey with salad, garlic bread, handful of pasta

Dessert - Ice cream lolly and nanny sweets

In Between Meal Snacks

3x (yes, 3x) rice cake

Apple

Go Ahead fruit slice (x3)

Hot chocolate drink

2x Tic Tacs

Thoughts & Feelings

 * The day started off on a bad footing when I woke with a thumping headache. It was doubly disappointing given that I had taken co-codamol the previous evening for a similar pain. I actually considered calling in to work sick so that I could sleep it off but I inevitably carried on.

* Perhaps this was on my mind when conversation at work turned to a general discussion about sickness. It got me thinking about my own experience of long term illness. Before being made redundant, I had been signed off work and undergoing therapy for depression and anxiety for 2 months, extended to 3 until my contract was 'mutually' terminated. It occurred to me today though that, despite all I have experienced and learnt, there is still a big part of me that refuses to accept these conditions as an illness. They are instead a problem to be overcome, like a quadratic equation.

* The reality of course is that  I was ill. In some ways I still am. Yes, I was capable of working, evidenced by the fact that I had done so for the previous however many years. But that is black and white thinking. The truth lies in a shade of grey whereby I could work but at nowhere near my capability and at great cost to my personal health. That is no way to live.

* The pain and associated tiredness contributed to me caving early and having a hot chocolate, or as I prefer to think of it, liquid calories. For the same reason I couldn't resist the extra rice cake.

* It was offset to an extent at lunch. With nothing prepared, I had intended a shortish stroll to Sainsbury's to buy a budget lasagne to heat in the office. However, shortly after setting off, I decided that I fancied a longer walk, so headed in the other direction, stopping off on the way back to pick up a bread roll and some ham.

* Still hungry though.

* The pain continued into the afternoon, spreading across my shoulders. It makes me feel physically sick. I noted that my packet of Ibuprofen makes the bold claim to be 'effective pain relief.' This is a lie.

* Given my tiredness and relatively light lunch, I figured a small amount of carbs w=for dinner was sensible. Funny though how I felt as if my stomach was growing exponentially with each carb filled mouthful.

Day 45 - 15th October

Food Log

Breakfast - Bran flakes with sultanas

Lunch - More muck I found in the freezer, plus rice

Dinner - Beef steak slice with salad

Dessert - Chocolate ice lolly and some nanny sweets

In Between Meal Snacks

2x rice cake

Apple

Go Ahead fruit slice (x3)

Crisps

Thoughts & Feelings

* Wednesday, which means crisp day (yay!). It did cross my mind that, with crisps being extra, I could (I almost said should, a powerful trigger word) forego some of the other daily snacks, perhaps the rice cakes. Clearly I didn't. I have some degree of guilt over this but rather than ruminating, I shall chalk it up as an option going forward and one that this time I chose not to exercise, nothing more.

* Talking of exercise, another vigorous power walk at lunch today but I noticed shortly after that I was incredibly tired. Was it the walk or the big, carb heavy lunch in my stomach? I'm not sure but it was fearsomely unpleasant. I came very close to giving in and having a hot chocolate to get some sugar in the system but opted instead for a cup of tea.

* Received some nice comments today from someone who had noticed my weight loss, a welcome reinforcement of my regime.

* Pain watch - a constant dull throb down my neck and across my shoulders, which is likely contributing to my tiredness. Physio appointment is now booked for December, fingers crossed it produces some results. In the meantime, I am tempted by a visit to the Osteopath, the downside being that it isn't cheap. Something to consider though if I need a short term fix to get me through until December.

Day 44 - 14th October

Food Log

Breakfast - Bran flakes with sultanas

Lunch - Some muck I found in the freezer, plus rice

Dinner - Mince with veg

Dessert - Yoghurt and some nanny sweets

In Between Meal Snacks

2x rice cake

Apple

Go Ahead fruit slice (x3)

Thoughts & Feelings

* I was determined to approach today in a more positive mindset. This should not however be confused with 'positive thinking' such as that promoted by spiritual guru's. Therapy has shown me the folly of this way of thinking and how it may be as unhealthy as negative thinking. If we think negatively, this is likely to be reinforced, exacerbating our mood. If we think positively ('today will be great, I will achieve xyz') we are setting ourselves up for a fall if we fail.

* Instead, I remind myself to think with balance. I will look for the positive, work toward the positive but I accept the negative may happen anyway. Life doesn't owe me anything, sometimes Mother Nature can be a cruel mistress. Do not seek happiness. Seek only balance and acceptance. Then happiness will find you. In time.

* My first opportunity to alter my work mindset was presented almost immediately this morning and I am pleased with my contribution. More of the same is now required.

* It is always nice when writing ideas come to mind, it gives me something to look forward to that evening. I have two pieces I am keen to progress, a children's story and an interpretation piece, which should be a lot of fun.

* Went out for a good, brisk walk today. There was a bit of moisture in the air but I have reached the conclusion that it will need to be near enough monsoon conditions to stop me going out. I am, however, rather sweaty.

* It crossed my mind whilst out walking that I don't blog about my dad much. A visit to Hastings over the weekend was a stark reminder that he is no longer with us. I asked myself what he would wish for me, if he had the chance. I suspect it would simply be for me to have happiness and contentment in my life, wherever I find them.

Day 43 - 13th October

Food Log

Breakfast - Bran flakes with sultanas

Lunch - Egg mayo sandwich and Go Ahead fruit slice (x3)

Dinner - 2x burgers in one bun, brocolli, green beans

Dessert - Cornetto style cone

In Between Meal Snacks

3x crackerbread

Cadbury Brunch Bar

Satsuma

Thoughts & Feelings

* Like one of those weather patterns with all the blue bars and small, tightly pressed arrows, low mood continues to dominate.

* For the first time, I have found this low mood is affecting my eating plans. To now, I have been resistant to the snacking desire, happy that as much as I like sweets and crisps, I would prefer to lose weight. Today, I just want to eat absolute crap. On the plus side, I haven't been shopping so I don't have any. On the down side, I haven't been shopping and need to go, thereby being presented with temptation.

* Hence the return of the daily food log. It helps keep me focused and honest about what I eat. Having to write it down will hopefully act as a deterrent to junk and binge eating.

* Dinner was that hodge podge of wanting to use up what's in the freezer versus not wanting to eat too much garbage. Shopping done, meal plans are now back in effect.

* It's time to address the elephant in the room. My low mood is undoubtedly exacerbated by work. I have resisted directly blogging about this as I don't want to write something that could compromise me but it needs to be addressed in order for me to move on. I am miserable at the moment, trapped in a cycle of negativity and self recrimination. I want to write professionally and anything else is a distant second best. As a result, I am disinterested and detached.

* I received two pieces of advice this week, both of which I dismissed out of hand at the time. Now, with some perspective, I am able to see the sense of them.

* The first was that, if I am frustrated and feel I am underachieving, seek more, put myself forward for additional work.

* The second, not unrelated advice was an encouragment to make my opinions heard, to critique, suggest, mould and shape.

* Both pieces of advice cut to the root of the issue. I have been deliberately holding back from committing fully to work. I believe there are two principle reasons. One is the desire to be renumerated for creative writing as a vocation. The second is a hangover from my redundancy (yes, still). Bottom line is I'm not going to paid to write professionally any time soon. It is a dream. And as for the redundancy? It hurt. It still hurts, but life moves on. So must I.

* Therapy showed me the importance of change, both accepting it and applying it. I work with good people. They accepted me unconditionally and each of them contributes to a supportive, fun environment. I have a good work / life balance. My stress levels, at least from work, are manageable. Is it the dream? No. But things could be a whole lot worse. I can contribute. I can make a difference. I can be happy here. I owe it to myself to at least try.

* And hey, I'm still a published author.

End of week 6 - 12th October

Starting weight - 12 st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 7lb

New weight - 11st 8lb

Comments

* A pound gained from last week but to be honest, a pretty good result all things considered. The last two weekends have seen me out and away from my usual routines. And, with a treat of pizza (and a visit to nanny's), the diet has effectively been placed on hold for a couple of days. I guess what I'm saying is, it could have been worse.

* A hard week emotionally. My mood has been extremely low all week and I am struggling to grasp whether it is simply that or if the spectre of depression looms. Perhaps the best strategy is not to dwell on it, otherwise I might talk myself into a depressive cycle. Therapy taught me the fundamental lesson of choice. We do not choose to be depressed but if I wake up in a low mood, I can choose how to react to it. I can choose to allow depression to dominate my mood that day. Or, I can choose to do things differenly, to attempt to work my way through it. It is easier said than done but half the battle is recognising and accepting that this fundamental choice exists.

* With autumn now upon us, and the weather already taking a downward turn, I need to think about how to fit exercise into my routine. The lunhtime walk is likley to face more disruption so it is important to try and find an alternative.

* My anxiety levels are seemingly at an all time high. The slightest thing seems to trigger it and set me off; A simply question or statement, such as what we need to do that week or something we need to buy, sends me into a cycle of fear and panic, my mind telling me that I can't make a decision, that I don't have time, asking why someone else can't just do it because I am not capabale; I found myself in a room full of people I didn't know and near enough panicked, desperate to find a corner to hide in; I turned into Sainsbury's car park, found the work being down had closed the exit to the lane I drove down and froze, forgetting the basic controls to the car, the guy coming the other way having to inch his way round me; even the sound of my children playing and laughing is like finger nails down a blackboard. It is a state of hyper stimulation making it impossible to relax.

* It happens at work too but my natural mask wearing instinct seems to kick in. Others probably don't notice but when put in a pressure or decision making situation, internally I panic, my mind racing. On the outside though, I maintain a clam exterior until eventually the panic level subsides and I am able to think clearly.

* At the same time, my neck pain has increased and it seems likely that the two are linked. It starts at my neck, creeps up the back of my skull before enveloping my whole head. At the same time, it spreads across my shoulders and down my back, my whole top half locking up. Sometimes it hurts simply to stand still, other times it hurts to turn my head. It undoubtedly makes me feel more tired, directly affecting my ability to work and to achieve my goals. In turn, it both feeds and is fed by my depression and anxiety issues. I have a physio appointment to look forward to in the next 2-3 months but will need to manage it carefully in the meantime. 

* This week I asked my Facebook freinds to share the links to my books to try to drum up some interest. I only have 40 friends on Facebook, in part a legacy of waking up in a bad mood one day and deleting a bunch of people. It was petty and likely a result of one of my mental health triggers coming into play. I regret it but it is done. I was disappointed therefore to find that only a couple of people took the time to share the links. I pondered whether to acknowledge this on my status, ultimately deciding to post something relatively sarcastic, indirectly criticising those who didn't share. Again, it was pretty petty and I considered deleting it (much as I am considering deleting this entry even whilst I type it) but I thought it important to live with the consequences of my actions. It was how I felt at the time. I am responsible for my actions, right or wrong.

9th October

Food Log

Breakfast - Bran flakes & sultanas

Lunch - Chicken curry with rice

Dinner - Pizza!

Dessert - Cornetto

In Between Meal Snacks

2x rice cakes

Banana

Thoughts & Feelings

* I had promised myself a dietary treat this week and so here it is. It makes somewhat of a mockery of having 'dinner' at lunch time but so be it. It's one day. Well two, the pizza will do dinner tomorrow as well. I've been pretty good for the last month and a bit, I'm not going to beat myself up for it.

* What a horrible week. There has been no specific incident but my mood has been very low all week. There have been lots of negative, repetitive thoughts, lots of feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. I don't think any of it is caused by the diet. I'm no scientist so I don't know if the change around of carbs would have any impact in that sense. At a conscious level though, I have been satisfied with my meal arrangements, the rigid mindset that 'dinner' must always be an evening meal has been shattered.

* My low mood may, in part, be a reflection of a conditional called S.A.D. or Seasonal Affective Disorder. The timing fits, as do, frankly, the symptoms (low mood, lack of interest, lethargy), although these symptons could equally apply to common or garden depression. I was certainly incredibly frustrated when heavy rain prevented me from getting out of the office for a lunchtime walk. Frustrated both that I would miss out on exercise (and therefore not lose weight, and get fat, and never hit my weight target, and give up and...so runs the anxious, negative mind). But also because I just needed to get out and stretch my legs.

* I suspect though it is mainly a reflection of where I find myself at the moment. I am frustrated on a number of levels. I want my writing to take off but I need support, awareness and distribution. At the moment, I cannot realistically define it as any more than a hobby. I think I'm pretty good at writing, good enough certainly to be paid in some form or fashion. But at the moment, I am stuck with my 40 Facebook friends and 80 odd Twitter followers.

* I don't know where persistent low mood ends and depression begins. It is a fine line and I seem to be walking it.

* I am very conscious of my anxiety levels being high at the moment. The slightest provocation seems to set me off. I suspect that anxiety as a condition is difficult for non-sufferers to fully grasp and so I will try to explore it in another piece shortly.

* My daily neck pain has also become all consuming, fuelling my anxiety and low mood. I am awaiting a physio appointment, which is a positive development. It cannot go on like this for much longer.

Day 30 - 30th September

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix minis

Lunch - Jacket potato with salad

Dinner - Chicken curry with vegetables

Dessert - Flapjack

In Between Meal Snacks

2x crackerbread

Apple

Banana

Thoughts & Feelings

* The last day of the month, which seems a reasonable place at which to end this food blog. Therefore this will be the final daily entry.

* I have enjoyed writing this blog (even though no one seems to be reading it) and found it useful as a means to keep track of my food intake and explore my daily feelings. So, whilst this is the final entry in this format, I may look to maintain a weekly. fortnightly or monthly blog. I'm not sure yet.

* My lunchtime walk is fast becoming the highlight of my day. I enjoy the time alone, just me and whatever wrestling podcast or music I am listening too. I enjoy the fresh air. And I enjoy the exercise.

* I can feel that my leg muscles have improved, there is a very distinct 'spring' in my step, (almost) literally rather than figuratively.

Day 29 - 29th September

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix minis

Lunch - Jacket potato with salad

Dinner - Leftover chicken with veg

Dessert - Yoghurt with chocolate balls

In Between Meal Snacks

2x rice cakes

Apple

Thoughts & Feelings

* I was alarmed to see that it was raining this morning, which might prevent me getting a lunchtime walk. It is interesting to note my reaction as I was very disappointed at the prospect of not getting out, rationalising in my mind what level of wetness would be tolerable versus how I could fit in some exercise elsewhere in the day. As it turned out, I was able to get out as normal.

* What a marked change though from wanting to do anything but exercise to being desperate to do so.

* Talking of marked changes, I was given another opportunity today to reflect on the importance of mentality to a regime change such as this. When choccies and biscuits were proffered, my immediate reaction was, 'I would rather lose weight than eat chocolate.' It is not so long ago that I had convinced myself that I was not mentally ready to lose weight, that my fragile / depressive mindset needed the comfort that snacking and binge eating provides. The sugar rush has been replaced by the endorphins of exercise.

* A combination of washing on the rack plus a sandpit resulted in a forced switch to the 34 inch trousers today. And...they fit fine. I was right to wait as, whilst they fit, it is a snug fit. Had I tried earlier, I may have become disheartened. Proof again that this plan is working.

* Talking of being disheartened, I think I have now largely moved through the phase where I would throw in the towel in the event of a disappointing weigh in. I have proven to myself what can be done, even in a very short space of time. There is a way to go yet but I have a realistic Christmas weight target in mind. Losing weight will only get harder from here as there is less to play with so I must be mindful to be patient and to be kind to myself.

* I received a lovely e-mail from my (former) therapist today, speaking kindly of my book. She even mentioned that she refers it to some patients where applicable, which is a wonderful compliment. Combined with yesterday's news, I am feeling very positive about my writing. I hope that you are enjoying these instalments as much as I feel the benefit from writing them.

* Pain watch - mainly across the shoulders today, necessitating some pills. It is a shame that I can't swap heads with someone for a day so that I could get some perspective on the level of pain and discomfort I have compared to a 'normal' person. It is difficult to know if what I am experiencing is minor, major or somewhere in between. All I know is that it very often hurts. Sure, not as much as jumping onto a bicycle with the seat missing, but it hurts.

* Declines - chocolate, biscuits, sweets

Day 28 - 28th September

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix minis

Lunch - Ham salad baguette

Dinner - Roast chicken dinner

Dessert - Yoghurt with chocolate balls

In Between Meal Snacks

2x rice cakes

Apple

Thoughts & Feelings

* Another day where I wondered where the exercise might come from but with a bit of forethought, I managed to fit in a walk with the girls.

* Pain Watch - lots of pain across shoulders and neck today, culminating with a stinking headache and tiredness in the evening. Booking doctor's appointment next week.