1066 All Stars

Day 70 - 9th November

Food Log

Breakfast - Some sort of honey grain boulders that the girls didn't like

Lunch - Roast chicken dinner

Dinner - Cheese salad roll, 2x cocktail sausages, side salad

Dessert - 1/4 chocolate cheesecake

In Between Meal Snacks

* 1x rice cakes

* 1x biscuit

* 1x cocktail sausage

Thoughts & Feelings

* I made a late decision to switch the roast to lunchtime with the dual purpose of 1) opening up the afternoon and early evening for other tasks and 2) having carbs early. It worked for the first, allowing us to get out as a family, albeit just to Tesco as well as taking the pressure off dinner time. The second point was less successful as I ended up eating a roll. As much as I want to control evening carbs, I am also conscious of wasting food (and therefore money) unnecessarily. The roll needed using, I took the pragmatic approach.

* Dinner is already prepared, a home made chicken and vegetable soup. A cheap, healthy, low carb meal.

* It has been a difficult weekend mood wise and I wasn't sure I could be bothered with exercise but I stuck to the commitment I had made to myself to use the Wii. I did about 23 minutes exercise, including a little run which puffed me out far more than I would like. I was interested to note during a yoga pose that my mind acknowledged that, with no net curtains, anyone could look in the window and see me gurning like a loon. But I didn't care. I was bettering myself. If that gives someone cause to laugh then perhaps it is not me that has the problem.

* I set about righting a wrong today. Some time ago I cracked through my Facebook friends list and trimmed off half of them based on a combination of reasons. The principle, underlying cause though was that I was in a bad mood and I made a decision that I almost immediately regretted. If it had been Twitter, where you can follow or unfollow at will, I would have reversed the decision. But I was stuck with it. Historically, I have usually not gone about adding people on Facebook, rather waiting for someone to add me. It is I believe a control thing. If I ask, they may say no. If I am asked, I have the power to decide. Therapy reminds me of the importance of change. If you keep doing the same things you will keep getting the same result. So I did things differently and sent close to a dozen friend requests. 

* It is little instances like this that reinforce the potency of the lessons I learned in therapy. It is a daily battle against anxiety and depression but it is one I can win, with patience and understanding.

* Balloongate (see The Anxiety Diaries) - I almost dreaded coming downstairs this morning. I had thoughts of coming face to face with a deflated Noddy, hanging limply over the arm of a chair whilst the other Noddy stood proudly above him, sniffing the ceiling, leaving me to deal with one distruaght child and one happy child. In reality, the balloon is no more deflated than yesterday. It still causes my anxiety just to look at the thing and I want to inflate it back up to its full glory. It is a petty anxiety in many ways but illustrative of the issues my mind tries to deal with. Mindfulness would remind me not to judge, therapy would remind me that I can change. I am trying.

Day 69 - 8th November

Food Log

Breakfast - Some sort of honey grain boulders that the girls didn't like

Lunch - Salad roll

Dinner - Turkey and veg stir fry with sweet chilli sauce

Dessert - 1.5x jellybean cookie, 3x biscuits

In Between Meal Snacks

* 3x rice cakes

* Go Ahead Fruit Bar pack (x3)

* 1x biscuit

Thoughts & Feelings

* A day of anxiety, resentment and frustration. For a detailed breakdown (so to speak), pop over to The Anxiety Diaries.

* Some real, serious snack urges today. I just wanted a great big juicy burger to eat. And some chips. And maybe some crisps. And a coke.

* I didn't. That's got to be worth something, right?

* Some kind people have noted that a weekly treat or snack in moderation is okay. I agree and I understand. But I just wanted to eat a bucketload of filth. This is undoubtedly mood, rather than diet related. There is an undercurrent of anger, resentment, sadness, frustration, disappointment and probably some more, just bubbling away under the surface. If I let it, it will eat away at me. I relented by having the extra biscuits. As I write this (10pm) I remain hungry, which I think is a good thing. There will be no more to eat tonight.

End of week 10 - 8th November

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 4lb

New weight - 11st 6lb

Comments

* Well, what a crushing disappointment. I had been looking forward to this weigh in. Based on the midweek result and some decent exercise, I had high hopes of getting down to 11st 3lbs. So to find myself back up to 11st 6lbs is both surprising and deflating.

* Some balance is perhaps required to manage the emotions. My diet has been a little inconsistent this week but not a disaster. Same for the exercise. But the key thing is that I feel as though I have lost weight. My stomach feels flatter, my trousers are looser. It is important I think not to get too hung up on a number. There has to be a measurement of course but the most important thing is how I feel.

* Speaking of which...Saturday today, which always seems to bring heightened emotion. The end of the working weeks really gets to me. I am worn out, frustrated and find my irritability levels are extremely high. What should be a fun day with the kids becomes an exercise in frustration and tolerance.

* The parenting routine is difficult. I am up at 6.30am and make Aiden's milk and the girls breakfast before getting ready for work. The working day merits a blog of its own and I arrive home somewhere around 5.45pm, at which point I am assailed by wailing banshees. I then sometimes have to cook their dinner, then maybe make Aiden's milk, then give everyone a bath, then get everyone to bed, then cook my own dinner, then get bottles and dishes washed for the next day, then get Aiden's milk and hot water prepared for the next morning. In between all that, I try to balance what I want to do against what I feel obligated to do.

* Perhaps inevitably, this builds up a resentment. There are times when I don't want this responsibility. I remember a time when life wasn't so serious, when I would be out until 3am and would roll into work still hungover, battling to stay awake until the end of the day so that I could go out and do it all again. Now, I struggle to stay awake because of the kids or something I am anxious about. I can't even countenance being hungover.

* This is a mental health trap that I keep falling into, my mind drifting to the past and glorifying it, rather than managing the present and building a new future. But it is hard. As blessed as I undoubtedly am in so many ways, there are aspects of my life that I simply don't like and I don't know how to change them.

* Oh, and to anyone reading the above and wondering, 'Well what does Karen do?' I would simply ask you this question; have you had twins? Do you have any idea what it is like trying to bring up multiples and a baby at the same time? They are constantly demanding, constantly require interaction. Opportunities for tidying or house management are limited at best, non existent at worst. It is hard, hard work and completely different from raising siblings of different ages.

* So where do I go next? Well in a dietary sense, nothing changes. I am committed to the path and believe I am heading in the right direction to get to the desired weight. I need to manage the urges to snack whilst being careful not to judge myself needlessly or unfairly.

* And everything else? I plan on releasing two further books by the end of the year. I am particulary looking forward to releasing my children's stories and hope that I can interest locals schools or nurseries to try them out. And everything else? I don't know.

Day 68 - 7th November

Food Log

Breakfast - Some sort of honey grain boulders that the girls didn't like

Lunch - Rice with chopped tomatoes, peas and sweetcorn

Dinner - Ham and cheese salad

Dessert - 2x biscuits and tea, 1 fairy cake

In Between Meal Snacks

* Apple

* Banana

* 3x rice cakes

* Go Ahead Fruit Bar pack (x3)

* 2x chocolate bites

Thoughts & Feelings

* It was interesting to note that my low mood of yesterday cleared on getting home. Now, that might sound like an entirely normal occurrence to some but not to me. Home brings its own stress and so it was a nice surprise to find that I would rather have been surrounded by the chaos of my family than the regimented formality of work.

* My thoughts have drifted to my dad the last couple of days. Sometimes a line from a song or an image may provoke a memory which can, for a fleeting second, feel overwhelming. More commonly, I find that Aiden acts as a constant reminder. After 4 granddaughters, Aiden is the first (and so far only) grandson and yet he never got to meet him. When we talk of Grandad, there is no qualifier, there is only Karen's dad. Over time the girls will forget him, that is only natural. But they had time with him, created memories. Aiden will never know his grandad, the type of man he was. It is a gap that can never be filled.

Day 67 - 6th November

Food Log

Breakfast - Some sort of honey grain boulders that the girls didn't like

Lunch - Ham salad roll

Dinner - Italian chicken with sweetcorn, brocolli, cauliflower, peas and pasta

Dessert - 2x biscuits and tea

In Between Meal Snacks

* Apple

* 3x rice cakes

* Go Ahead Fruit Bar pack (x3)

Thoughts & Feelings

* Tired today and this has seeped into low mood. There is nothing definable behind it, just a background feeling of sadness. But that is okay. Sadness is one of the core emotions, it is natural to feel it. It should not be suppressed or rejected. Mindfulness teaches us to acknowledge and observe, not judge. Only if it persists and becomes a sustained low mood will I have concerns, at which point it becomes important to understand it.

* The low mood always seems to want to be satiated with extra food. Apart from the additional rice cake, I have resisted, each time I do so representing a victory to me.

* It has become natural to go to bed feeling hungry. I think this is a good thing to an extent however I am conscious not to allow this to become an unhealthy obsession. My weight loss plan is based on a sustainable, balanced diet and exercise regime, it is not about starving myself. I will need to realistically observe if I am burning additional calories through exercise and increased metabolism, thus requiring additional intake.

Day 66 - 5th November

Food Log

Breakfast - (Tesco Value equivalent of) Shreddies with sultanas

Lunch - Ham salad roll

Dinner - Hot and spicy chicken breast with peas, carrots, sweetcorn, chips and onion rings

Dessert - Chocolate ice cream lolly

In Between Meal Snacks

* Apple

* Crisps (it's Wednesday!)

* 2x rice cakes

* Go Ahead Fruit Bar pack (x3)

Thoughts & Feelings

* A good walk today. I felt invigorated by a combination of the satisfying weigh in this morning and my cold starting to take its leave.

* I recently read an article on Football365 by John Nicholson (an excellent writer, highly recommended) where he spoke of a waning enthusiasm for football caused by over saturation and a desire to separate from the mob / hooligan mentality that may be associated with 'terrace' chanting. It struck a number of chords with me. I have noticed my interest in football declining considerably, to the point that, rather than watch Liverpool against Real Madrid last night (arguably our biggest game of the season), I went in the bath. I had been inclined to wonder if this was depression, sapping my interest on something that I love(d). But I think it is more fundamental. I am a parent, I have other things that need to be done. My free time is precious. I still follow football, still enjoy reading about it and talking about it. But I just don't always have time to watch it anymore.

* This realisation does occasionally lead to a form of anxiety. My thoughts cycle quickly through - I no longer watch football; I have lost interest in Liverpool; any money spent on them ever is a complete waste; my boy won't grow up around football like I always planned...

* Declines - a great big, tasty looking, chocolate filled donut, leftovers (2x slices of pizza, 2x slices of garlic bread).

* A dinner of necessity, brought on by screaming children. Disappointing to end the day with a festering muck fest but it is what it is.

Middle of week 10 - 5th November

Starting weight - 12 st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 6lb

New weight - 11st 4lb

Comments

* Um, okay. I slipped in a midweek weigh in principally to see what damage had been done by a relatively poor diet week, some missed exercise and a cold. And I lost 2 pounds!

* Now I'm no scientist but I wonder if this is my previous good work bearing fruit (ooh, how healthy). It is almost as though my metabolism has been sped up, my body clock altered by healthier eating and exercise patterns, a body memory if you like. Who knows.

* I am now just 1 pound above my pre-Christmas target weight. I am tempted to alter my targets but I don't want to place undue pressure on myself. If it was summer, and I  knew that the weather would hold for sustained periods of exercise, I would be more aggressive with it but I want to build in a buffer zone. I hope to get down to 11 stone but will be satisfied with anything from 11st 3lbs downwards.

* I finished a new children's story this week, The Friendly Lion. First read with the girls seemed to be well received and I have had some lovely feedback from another parent. I will not be publishing it on the site as it will be exclusive to my next book but if anyone reading would like a copy, please contact me and I'll send it directly. I would love to hear feedback from parents.

Day 65 - 4th November

Food Log

Breakfast - (Tesco Value equivalent of) Shreddies with sultanas

Lunch - Ham salad roll

Dinner - Bolognaise with vegetables

Dessert - Yoghurt, 2x bicuits

In Between Meal Snacks

* Apple

* Chicken drumstick

* 2x rice cakes

* Go Ahead Fruit Bar pack (x3)

Thoughts & Feelings

* No lunchtime walk today as I had a dentist appointment and didn't get back until 2.30 (tooth hurty, two thir... oh forget it). A shame as it has been a pleasant day and having mainly recovered my cold induced sick fest of the day before, it would have been a nice walk.

* No big deal for one day but it does again raise the spectre of how to exercise over the colder winter months, or indeed just brutally wet weather. I have already decided to bring the Wii back into play, perhaps on a Sunday morning when the family is out. This enables me to utilise the jog program in Wii Fit. Whilst I am fully aware that it is just jogging on the spot, for which I don't need a computer, it provides some visual stimulus and routine.

* Other than that, there is an option to utilise the exercise bike where it will not endanger little hands and I will review this over the next couple of weeks.

* The most encouraging aspect of this is my desire to do something. Far from seeking to (pardon the pun) run away from exercise, I am actively seeking out alternatives for when my current regime becomes impractical. This plan has embedded itself in my mind and become a normal part of life. Even 3 months ago I would not have predicted that was likely.

* I gave in to a craving this evening and had a couple of biscuits. It is important to draw a balance. Yes, I will usually want to resist and turn down the calories. But sometimes it is right to give in so as not to build up a resentment. Too often and it becomes an indulgence, the key, as ever, is balance.

Day 64 - 3rd November

Food Log

Breakfast - (Tesco Value equivalent of) Shreddies with sultanas

Lunch - Ham salad roll

Dinner - Leftover roast chicken with vegetables and 4x onion rings

Dessert - Chocolate ice lolly

In Between Meal Snacks

* 2x rice cakes

* Go Ahead Fruit Bar pack (x3)

* Apple

* Chicken drumstick

* Cadburys Brunch bar

Thoughts & Feelings

 * It's no good, I just can't maintain my discipline without the daily log. It keeps me absolutely honest with myself, feeding (pardon the pun) just the right amount of guilt over an extra bite here or an extra portion there.

* That and I somehow conspired to have pizza twice in the last week.

* One part of this plan that my body seems to have neglected is the Healthy in Mental Healthy Eating. I am now on my second cold of the regime, which seems a trifle (mmm...) unfair. Is it related? Who knows. Maybe it is simply the fact that I have 3 mobile snot machines at home.

* Feeling a bit sorry for myself today but dragged myself out in the rain for a little walk, ironically getting absolutely soaked as I went to buy cold and flue remedy. On the way, I had considered buying sweets or a fizzy drink as a kind of compensation to myself for being ill. That was really the prompt to restart this daily log. I resisted, instead buying some more rice cakes which interestingly enough recommend 3 cakes per portion. I disagree.

* My snack desire continued when I got home. I was so hungry I felt nauseous. I reahed into the girls snack drawer for some sweets or a biscuit, only stopping myself at the last moment. In the end, I had th leftover chicken wings from the roast, then cooked dinner early, THEN added some onion rings.

* In the end, I went to bed at 8.45pm because I had a stinking great headache. I am writing this the next morning and, whilst not 100%, definitely feel better.

End of week 9 - 1st November

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 5lb

New weight - 11st 6lb

Comments

* Not a great surprise to have gone back up a pound. You can't stuff a great big pizza and expect there not to be some consequences.

* Also the last weigh in was only just into 5lbs and this one is only just into 6lbs so it really could have gone either way. Anyway, it's still a decent weight and perhaps the most important thing is that I am now entering my third month of the new regime with no plans to stop, once again offering reassurance that this is a sustainable life change, not a fad diet.

* Some slight changes to diet (notwithstanding the pizza) as I have allowed a small amount of carbs in the evening. My intention is to retain the carbs / no carbs split at lunch and dinner respectively but, depending on what I have had for lunch, I am happy to relax this from an absolute.

* Oh, and ill on a Saturday. What are the chances? Poor me

* I wrote a new blog this week, The Elephant In The Room. It explores the importance of change in recovering from mental illness, stressing the point that we must choose for ourselves to get better, that we are not an unalterable fixed state. It started out as a much harsher piece, critical of those who I perceive to play Mental Health Bingo, stacking up the symptoms without ever addressing the underlying behaviours. Ultimately I decided that each of us must walk our own path. I have had the benefit of therapy, it is not my place to criticise the choices of others, only to offer the benefit of my own experiences and let people choose for themselves.

* My new children's story is almost finished. I will send it to a couple of select parents to try out if they would like to, otherwise it will be printed exclusively in my next Amazon collection.