1066 All Stars

Yesterday's weight - 11st 2lbs

Today's weight - 11st 3lbs

Food Log

Breakfast - Toasted oat cereal, tea, nibble of bread stick

Lunch - Pork and stuffing roll, apple

Dinner - Butter chicken with salad

Dessert - Chocolate ice cream lolly

Snack - 2x cereal biscuits, brunch bar, 1.5x slice of pork, paracetamol, hot chocolate with a side order of guilt

Exercise - 1 hour

Yesterday's weight - 11st 3lbs

Today's weight - 11st 2lbs

Food Log

Breakfast - Toasted oat cereal, tea

Lunch - Pork and stuffing roll, pork pie, apple

Dinner - Butter chicken with rice

Dessert - cookie and tea

Snack - plum, 2x yoghurt biscuits, 4x cocktail sausages, cheese string, 2x cereal biscuits

Exercise - 1 hour 20 mins

Yesterday's weight - 11st 3lbs

Today's weight - 11st 3lbs

Food Log

Breakfast - Toasted oat cereal, tea

Lunch - Butter chicken with rice

Dinner - Pork roast with veg (no potatoes)

Dessert - cookie and tea

Snack - crisps, 12x grapes, 2x yoghurt biscuits, apple

Exercise - 1 hour

Yesterday's weight - 11st 4lbs

Today's weight - 11st 3lbs

Food Log

Breakfast - Toasted oat cereal, tea

Lunch - Butter chicken with rice

Dinner - Beef burger (no bun) with salad

Dessert - cookie and tea

Snack - 2x cereal biscuits, banana, 2x yoghurt biscuits, apple, 1x cocktail sausage

Exercise - 1.5 hours

New weight – 11st 4lbs

Comments

* A disappointing weigh-in.

After regularly weighing in at around 11st, even dipping as low as 10st 12lbs, 11st 4lbs represents my first real increase in some time.

* I had been trying not to weigh in throughout September. During my August holiday, I had become concerned by my obsession with weighing in almost daily and so thought I would benefit from going ‘cold turkey.’ But this threw up new challenges.

Quite early on, I would allow myself a treat on the basis that, without a weigh in, I would not be answerable to the scales. There were no consequences to my actions. Towards the end, guilt started to build as to what I had eaten and I became anxious about what my weight would be.

At this point I had a decision to make. I could either stubbornly see out the month, sticking rigidly to the fabricated timescale I had made for myself. Or, I could consider 20+ days a reasonable break and check in, providing some closure and alleviating the anxiety.

* It is interesting to note the thinking errors at play in this weigh in. 11st 4lbs is 4lbs above what I would consider a best case weigh in and 2lbs above what I consider a decent result.

Yet these considerations were abandoned. As soon as I saw the result, I engaged in black and white thinking, catastrophising and discounting of positives.

Some balance then. Yes, I am heavier than I would like. But then I have eaten more and done less this month. There is no mystery involved, no circumstances conspiring against me. Plus of course I know where I have been and can therefore get there again.

* This also brings me nicely back round to the point of this blog, tying in healthy eating to mental health. As a society, we often use labels to describe ourselves and others but they are both harmful and inaccurate.

Take depression for instance. I do not describe myself as being depressed. I suffer from depression. It is a subtle difference but an important one. The first suggests an unalterable state, beyond my control. The second accepts that things may be a certain way at that moment in time but that does not define who you are as a person.

And so it is with my weight. I am not inherently, unalterably fat. But I am overweight. Which in turn implies that I have a target in mind and can (and will) actively work my way towards it.

* I must now battle a sense of impatience. I feel overweight and so there is a desperation to get a couple of pounds off immediately. But balance is the key here. It know that adherence to my daily plan results in the weight I want to achieve.

* There is also a sense of embarrassment. I have, to an extent, allowed this weight plan to define me for the last year. I have been proud of the weight lost and the transformation in my approach to food. Now this is tinged with a sense of failure. Nonsense of course, this is simply a step back and a reminder of the need to maintain a healthy, balanced lifestyle.

Food Log

I have found maintaining a food diary to be an excellent way of taking accountability for my food intake. You don’t have to share it publicly like I do but for anyone trying to lose weight, I highly recommend writing everything down.

Breakfast – Toasted oat flakes, tea

Nibbles – Apple, 2x cereal biscuits, 1x cheese string

Lunch – Sandwich & 3x snack-a-jacks

Dinner – Salad with frankfurter sausages

Dessert – Tea

Exercise – 45 - 60 mins walking

Weight - 11st 2lbs

* After 2 weeks off work, a satisfying weigh in at just 2lbs above what I have come to consider my 'natural' weight.

* Being on holiday threw up an interesting internal dialogue. On one hand, I was conscious that I was on holiday and was therefore 'allowed' to relax my strict regime. On the other, I had an underlying anxiety that my weight would spiral out of control. The net result was that I would eat some occasional treat but then fastidiously weigh myself everyday, looking for signs of over indulgence with which to harangue myself.

* By the end of the second week I had started to let go. My daily weigh ins had demonstrated that, barring a complete collapse of my eating and exercise regime, I can maintain my weight at its current level. the last few days of my break therefore saw me indulge in pizza, coke and crisps with any thought of a weigh in pushed firmly to the back of my mind.

* Being on holiday is of course A Good Thing, however it does present a certain pressure, at least to the anxious mind, to 'perform.' I am on holiday, I am with my family, there is no work. What's not to be happy about?

* This sense of duty to be happy, created within my own mind, inevitably led to anxiety. It is a fall back on the should and the must statements which can so often trap us, forgetting the lessons of mindfulness and to simply exist in the moment, accepting what is. As a result, I was often agitated, the kids causing me to lose my temper which in turn helped to peddle the depression cycle of anger, rumination and regret.

* This ultimately manifested in a period of very low mood on Thursday and Friday, the reasons for which are fairly complex.

Being a parent is great. kids bring such a unique joy and have undoubtedly enriched our lives. They also bring stress, tiredness and anxiety to the point that you sometimes wish you were anywhere but at home.

These statements are not contradictory, they are simply a fact of life as a parent. It is equal parts joy and frustration, but you wouldn't swap it for the world.

Towards the end of the week, the frustration had started to outweigh the joy. I became conscious that my holiday was drawing to a close and it would soon be time to return to work. Whilst we had packed in a fair amount of family activities, I did not feel I had actually had a break. In a way, I had swapped one type of work for another. Where was my break? Where was my down time?

It built a sense of resentment; towards the kids, towards the wife, who understandably needed her own time away from the brood. I felt I deserved some recognition and a break but would instead have to keep going. The old cliché of, 'You'll be glad to get back to work for a rest!' began to rang painfully true.

I could feel myself slipping into a depressive cycle and would not emerge until late Friday / early Saturday, at which point bitterness and resentment gave way to regret, self recrimination and guilt. This was magnified by the knowledge that the kids would be away for 4 days from Sunday meaning that, whilst I would be at work, I would have a clear break from my family responsibilities. You know, just like I wanted. But instead of feeling happy, I felt shame at my deflated mood and my inability to find consistent happiness.

* Lots to consider then. I will not make the mistake of rushing to a conclusion. There are behaviours here that I need to examine and understand, which is the only way to ensure they are not repeated.

Life, after all, is a journey.

Current weight – 11st 1lb

Thoughts

* My weight appears to have stabilised at or around 11st. I have succumbed to temptation to weigh myself more frequently, sometimes daily, which records fluctuations between 11st to 11st 2lbs but never under and never over.

* It is tempting to be frustrated but I think it is time to be realistic. My goal was always to get to 10st 6lbs but my lowest so far has been 10st 12 lbs. I am coming round to the thought that 11st is pretty much my natural weight and driving myself down further would require regular gym work or swimming perhaps, neither of which fit conveniently into my current work / life / home balance.

* I posted a picture of myself recently on Facebook, showing the results of my plan and how I look at 11st. It was a shame in hindsight that I didn’t take a picture at the outset for a ‘before and after’ comparison, but then I never truly expected to be at this point.

The picture drew some ‘likes’ and some nice comments but, honestly, I would rather people read and share this post. In many ways this covers everything I want to say about mental illness, the attitude of those who don’t understand and my own struggles on the road to recovery.

* I was very conscious this last week that my mood appeared to have significantly lowered at the weekend versus during the week work. It is incredibly disappointing when you find that your two days of ‘freedom’ are blighted by anxiety, irritability and tiredness, only for these symptoms to seemingly lift magically when back in the office, a location I quite clearly do not want to be in. Sunday in particular, striding round Sainsbury’s, brought a momentary overwhelming sense of sadness. Part of me just wanted to sit on the floor and wish the world away.

Why? I think the reasons are nuanced. Firstly, there is a pressure to ‘perform’ at the weekend, driven by those old devils the ‘must’, ‘should’ and ‘have to’ statements. I ‘must’ achieve certain chores. I ‘should’ be relaxed and enjoy time with my children. I ‘have to’ put my desires on the backburner and put their needs first.

Secondly, there is a touch of Stockholm Syndrome. Despite my negativity towards it, work provides a structure and routine that we become accustomed to. It is almost as if without it, I lose a safety net and convince myself that I don’t have the capacity to define my own role outside the one that is fashioned for me.

Thirdly, there is an underlying sense of resentment that, despite being ‘free’ from the shackles of work, I am anything but. One job is replaced by another as I trade in being a Senior Analyst for being a Father.

And fourthly perhaps a growing frustration with my ‘chosen’ vocation. Work is a means to an end but as my recovery journey continues, I am exploring more areas of interest, the latest being writing videogame reviews. It is a nice hobby that gives me something pleasant to focus on but this leisure time passion brings sharply into focus that I find work unfulfilling. I don’t want to spend the next 30-odd years detesting what I do for the majority of my life. I want work to be enjoyable and something that I take pride and satisfaction in.

So what is the answer? Mindfulness of course, an acceptance of what is in that moment, without judgement. But you cannot just decide to mindful, much like you cannot simply decide not to be depressed. It is a skill to be practiced and learnt.

Previous weight - 11st

Current weight - 11st

Target weight 10st 6lbs

Food Log

Breakfast - Bran flakes with sultanas, tea

Lunch - Chicken salad roll

Dinner - Chicken curry with rice

Dessert - Chelsea bun

Snacks - 1x blueberry, 2x strawberries, 1x apple, 3x fruit slice, 1x gherkin, 2x pickled onions

Exercise

Parenting - all day

Comments

* When I look at the list of food eaten it can be tempting to question, 'Austerity? What Austerity?' But I have to take myself back to the original thought behind this regime. It is not a diet, this has never been about eliminating foods. It is more a case of cutting out unnecessary snacking, having sensible portions and exercising. So when I look in the fridge and see a chocolate bar I can nibble; when I open the cupboard and fancy a handful of sultanas; when I fancy a cookie 'because it's Friday'; or I get a hankering for a can of coke, I go all Grange Hill on myself - just say no.

* Weekends are always more challenging diet wise, the kids and general weekend activity making it difficult to implement my usual switched meal routine.

* I am constantly reminded, by my thoughts, actions and self recimination, that I am not cured. Living a mentally healthy life is an ongoing, never ending journey with detours, wrong turns and hard to read road signs along the way.

* I have a perception that others expect me to be 'normal.' I was in a mental hosptal, my life turned upside down for 3 months. When I got out, I found I was redundant from my job of 12 years. Then my Dad died. Each of these are life altering events. I like to think that I wear my mask less and less but I still feel that other people expect things to be like, 'oh yeah you went to the Priory but you're all better now, right?' Well I'm not. I never will be. Each day is a battle against anxiety. Some days I win, some days I lose. The most important thing is that therapy helped me to understand that not only could I fight back but that I also wanted to.

Previous weight - 11st 2lbs

Current weight - 11st

Target weight 10st 6lbs

Food Log

Breakfast - Bran flakes with sultanas, tea

Lunch - Chicken and bacon layered salad

Dinner - southern fried chicken breast with veg

Dessert - salted caramel choc lolly

Snacks - 5x cherries, 4x blueberries, 2x raspberries, 2x strawberries, 1x apple, 1x fruit bar, 2x rice cakes

Declines - cookie, doughnut

Exercise

Walking - 40 mins

Comments

* Another pound off brings me to a significant mental barrier. Dipping below 11st feels like a real achievement and so it is pleasing to have got back to this point so quickly.

* The challenge is to maintain it. This 'austerity plan' is not sustainable. Part of the problem I experienced before was the gradual erosion of discipline; 1 packet of crisps per week became 2, always saying 'no' to cakes and biscuits became 'maybe'. And that is fine as part of a balanced diet, the difficulty for me was a steadfast refusal to accept my current weight as being good enough. I will need to carefully sift through what is a healthy dietary target versus an unhealthy mental health obsession.

* Friday has become something of a treat day (someone in therapy always described it as 'Filthy Friday') when the kids get McDonalds and so I allow myself something bought. With the debauchery of the Sunday pizza fresh in my mind (and stomach), I thought discretion was best employed. To my surprise then I found that the layered salad still felt like something of a treat.

* One of the challenges of this regime is what to eat on a daily basis. It came become tiresome having a dull meal in the evening whilst the necessity of eating lunch at work means my meal plans are limited. Add to the fact that I also prepare dinner for Karen, plus have to consider what the kids are eating, meaning that I either 1) compromise what I want for ease of cooking, building resentment at my meal and subsequently the whole healthy eating regime, or 2) end up cooking a hundred and one different things, leaving me little time in the evening for relaxation.

* Walking was restricted by other requirements today so I squeezed in as many strides as I could in the time allowed. I suspect that I won't be too pleasant to sit next to for the rest of the afternoon but then what's new?

* £3.19 headphones FTW.

* There is nothing quite like the smell of puke to make you want to puke.

Previous weight - 11st 2lbs

Current weight - 11st 1lb

Target weight 10st 6lbs

Food Log

Breakfast - Bran flakes with sultanas, tea

Lunch - Chicken in spanish sauce with roast spuds and veg

Dinner - sausages with veg

Dessert - cookie crumble choc lolly

Snacks - 1x satsuma, 5x cherries, 1x apple, 1x fruit bar, 2x rice cakes

Exercise

Walking - 1 hour

Comments

* Amazng what a difference a single pound can make. Dropping back down to 11st 1lb gave me an extra boost in the morning and I noted a distinct mental change, my focus very much shifting back to position where my desire to lose weight exceeded my desire to eat.

*I have set an arbitrary limit in my mind whereby 11st 3lbs is the maximum acceptable limit. Targets are an important barometer of course but the most important aspect remains how I feel.

* And how do I feel? I'll cover the mental aspects in a seperate post but physically I don't feel that good. My neck and head pain has flared up severely over the last few weeks whilst I have often been left feeling bloated and uncomfrtable,even though my weight was at or around my lowest in years.

* My walking plans took a hit when my ruddy headphones broke. I like to have some music to listen to on my travels and so this was a major setback. But I did it anyway, because I'm hardcore!