1066 All Stars

Saturday

Yesterday's weight - 10st 13lbs

Today's weight - 11st 1lbs

Food Log

* Balance ceral with sultanas

* 2x rice cakes

* Ham and salad baguette (lunch)

* Salad (dinner)

* Jam tart (dessert)

Thoughts

* The worst of all possible results. As I climbed on the scales I had an impending sense of dread that I would have gone back to 11st but never envisaged I would reach 11st 1lb.

* My immediate thoughts are regret and self recrimination. I shouldn't have eaten all those chips. I should have bought the 2 portion box. I should have just had a salad.

* But some balance is required. My weight has steadily decreased all week to an all time (measured) low. I have proven time and again that I can lose and maintain my weight. This one off may have spiked my weight but the chances are that it will be back down tomorrow and undoubtedly back below 11st by early next week.

* At the same time it is a note of caution that my good work could very easily be undone by succumbing too often to the temptation of junk food. Once in a while is okay, I can manage that. Any more often and my weight could very quickly shoot back up.

* As a result of this disappointing result, I will carry on the food log today and weigh in for the final time tomorrow. Back to the salad today.

Friday

Yesterday's weight - 10st 13lbs

Today's weight - 10st 12lbs

Food Log

* Strawberry & yoghurt crisp cereal / Balance ceral with sultanas

* 2x rice cakes

* 3x Fruit slice (1 pack)

* Apple

* Egg and cress sandwich and yoghurt (lunch)

* Cook...er, training food. Yeah, that's it.

* 3 piece chicken variety meal, baby! Nom, nom,nom (dinner)

* Fresh air (dessert)

Exercise

Walking - 50 mins

Thoughts

* Yesterday was difficult. I had real bad cravings and went to bed feeling really hungry. But I am rewarded this morning with my lowest weight yet.

* That weight in turn influences my actions. Yesterday I had been all set to eat some filth today as a treat, Post weigh in, I no longer want to eat unhealhily as I want to maintain this new lower weight.

* But this is the point of the daily challenge, to monitor the minutaie, to see the immediate impact of my decisions and what patterns emerge.

* At the same time, it reveals an underlying insecurity.When the diet started, I wanted to reach 12st, which I did. Then I wanted to reach 11st 7lbs, which I did. Then 11st 3lbs, then 11st, then sub-11st, all of which I did. Now I want to reach 10st 6lbs.

But when will it ever be enough? When can I say to myself, 'Hey you've done a good job there, you deserve a break now, regardless of if you put on a pound or two'? This is very much a 'real world' behaviour whereby I can never relax, my fight / flight response always kicked into high gear so that my mind feels there is always a threat, a constant danger to overcome. This heightened state leads to anxiety, which in turn can lead to depression.

So, what should I do? Should I indulge or no? If yes, do I weigh myself the next day and try to impassionately observe the results, whcih will more than likely result in disappointment and regret when I see my weight increase by a digit? Or do I avoid a weigh in, allow myself the freedom but accept the state of doubt, and therefore anxiety, that comes with it? 

These are trivial questions of course, but they get to the heart of the indecision that haunts me every hour of every day that ultimately feeds my anxiety cycyle.

I am aware, that is good. But clearly further work is required to overcome.

* Blimey, that was all a bit deep for 7am.

* As lunchtime came I considered a McDonalds but I really had a hankering for chicken and chips. I didn't want such filling, greasy food at lunch so settled on a sandwich.

* The evening meal therefore becomes the main meal. I pondered the 2 piece variety meal based on the price but decided, hey, if you're gonna go for it, go big or go home, right? So I splashed out and went for the full bad boy. Although as I type I have taken a mid session interval with a wing, piece and a handful of chips still left.

* I did make up for it to some extent with a little unanticipated walk. I couldn't find a parking space and so had to HIKE to the ruddy chicken shop. I would have been as well to have parked on the drive.

* One final weigh in tomorrow morning with some thoughts but I can't be bothered to maintain the food log for another day. I am expecting to creep up a pound but I will be disappointed if I have gone back over the 11st threshold.

Thursday

Yesterday's weight - 10st 13lbs

Today's weight - 10st 13lbs

Food Log

* Tiger toast with jam and sultanas

* Chocolate chip brioche roll

* 2x rice cakes

* 3x Fruit slice (1 pack)

* Apple

* Chocolate chip cookie

* Chicken Tonight with peas (lunch)

* French onion soup (dinner)

* Lemon fancy (dessert)

Exercise

Walking - 40 mins

Thoughts

* Exercise is somewhat curtailed today as I have a training session in the afternoon and don't wish to be all sweaty and smelly in a room full of people.

* There was no way the toast was getting me through the morning and so drawing on the experience I referenced in Monday's blog, the brioche roll filled a gap. The chocolate element isn't ideal but it is important whilst maintaining an exercise routine to ensure calories are still coming on board.

* The cookie was somewhat unnecessary but I figured a little treat to keep me going through a training session was a reasonable concession.

* Man, dinner was hard work tonight. I really wanted something substantial and I had a big old hankering for a kebab and chips. I have to be careful not to allow resentment to build up. Not only will it lead to me blowing my diet in an orgy of carbs and calories but it also risks affecting my mood which in the long term can very quickly escalate into a depression. I may allow myself to let off some steam this weekend and eat something indulgent.

Wednesday

Yesterday's weight - 11st 0lbs

Today's weight - 10st 13lbs

Food Log

* Choco caramel cereal with sultanas

* 2x rice cakes

* 3x Fruit slice (1 pack)

* Apple

* Crisps

* 2x slice leftover pork

* Chicken and bacon salad (lunch)

* Chicken Tonight with vegetables (dinner)

* Jam tart (dessert)

Exercise

Walking - 40 mins

Thoughts

* Wednesday, which means crisp day. Although to be honest I wasn't that fussed about eating them. I'm not sure that points to any great dietary change so much as the fact that I am bored of munching my way through the pack of monster munch I bought weeks ago. That's the trouble with having one packet a week, it takes you an age to get through the bag.

* My first movement in weight and it will be interesting to see from here if it maintains for a few days or fluctuates straight back up.

* Limited walking today as a result of lunchtime chores.

* There have been two incidents in the last week, both work related, that have spiked my anxiety. The details are irrelevant but of interest to me was the lie I told to myself. ideally, both incidents would have been assessed, dealt with or parked. Instead they consumed me, all my mental energies were tied into worrying about them. And here is the lie; I told myself that it was okay to spend some time being anxious, that I would allow myself some 'worry time' then box it off and put it to one side. But I never did. I kept worrying. At work, on the drive home, with the kids, the next morning.

* I tried to step back from these incidents and wonder why they caused me anxiety and I think it comes down to a lack of control. By not dealing with an issue at source, I allowed it to snowball into something bigger. To resolve, I had to take positive action, take my power back.

* A different anxiety - I bought myself a book / magazine today for £10. But the decision to buy was agonising. Having just been paid an annual bonus, a £10 treat to self is not unreasonable and yet I was momentarily paralysed by indecision.

The item itself is not important (who am I kidding, it was an awesome retro gaming mag on the Amiga) but why was the decision so difficult. This cuts to the heart of my mental illness experience whereby I have seemingly lost perspective on decisions. Whatever I do, I judge myself as wrong.

Tuesday

Yesterday's weight - 11st 0lbs

Today's weight - 11st 0lbs

Food Log

* Choco caramel cereal with sultanas

* 2x rice cakes

* 3x Fruit slice (1 pack)

* Apple

* Yoghurt

* pork with rice, peas and carrots in chilli sauce (lunch)

* Chicken curry with veg (dinner)

* Lemon fancy (dessert)

Exercise

Walking - 1 hour

Thoughts

* Second day and no change in weight.

* A strong craving for sweets today. I needed some milk from Sainsbury's but was worried I would give in and buy a bag of midget gems. So I employed some straight up avoidance and skipped the shops completely. I have sacrificed an afternoon cup of tea but I think it was worth it.

* It does raise another point though about denying vs treating myself. There is a danger that I have swung too far the other way; where once I would indulge whenever I liked, now I feel as if I can't even sniff a chocolate hob nob without feeling guilty, exemplified by declining the offer of a celebratory cream bun in the office. Clearly there is a balance to be drawn somewhere.

* My healthy living regime has undoubtedly been a Good Thing as I have lost 18lbs. But I remain disappointed at the apparent lack of health benefit. I remain tired, I struggle for concentration, I remain spotty.

* But here is the biggest difficulty with mental illness; how much of this is down to fitness, interest and biology and how much is down to depression and anxiety? I find it a real struggle to understand if I should push harder or be kinder to myself to the point that any decision, including lack thereof, is rendered inherently wrong as there are so many other possibilities.

* The hardest thing about living with mental illness is the expectation from others that you will still carry on as normal.

Weigh in time has become somewhat of a frustration as I dip above and below 11st. So I though I would try something different.

I will weigh in every morning and track the natural fluctuations in weight. At the end of the week, I will see both where I end up and what my average weight was over the week to give me a true reflection.

At the same time, I will track what I'm eating and how much exercise I have done, as well as monitoring my mood.

Monday

Weight - 11st 0lbs

Food Log

* Choco caramel cereal with sultanas

* 2x strawberries

* Brunch bar

* 2x rice cakes

* 3x Fruit slice (1 pack)

* Apple

* Yoghurt

* Irish Stew (lunch)

* Pork with vegetables and chilli sauce (dinner)

* Jam tart (dessert)

Exercise

Walking - 1 hour

Thoughts

* The first thing that strikes me when I look at the above is - that's a lot of food! 

* It may seem strange but one thing my regime has taught me is that you do not diet yourself slim. To an extent, I am eating my way slim. I'm not sure about the science but my own experience teaches me that when I am hungry I get tired and when I'm tired my mood drops. And so within reason I eat when I am hungry, throughout the morning, before having lunch.

* That said, choco caramel cereal and a chocolate brunch bar were slightly unnecessary but they were in the cupboard and needed eating. And hey, I might want to lose weight, but I paid good money for these suckers.

* Despite this, I found I was incredibly hungry in the afternoon, drive time thoughts preoccupied with fantasies about KFC. Clearly I need to rethink the balance of eating whilst retaining the core principle of limited carbs after 3pm.

* I felt somewhat agitated in the morning but my overriding thought in reaction to this was that I wanted to get out and exercise. A reminder once again that we can change our mindsets, create new paths for ourselves.

* The downside to vigorous exercise is that it can leave me feeling physically tired, which accumulates by the weekend, exacerbated by being woken up 2-3 times a night.

Last weight - 10 st 13lbs

New weight - 11st 0lbs

Target weight - 10st 6lbs

Thoughts

* Not a disaster, and perhaps reflective of natural fluctuations in weight, but disappointing to tip back over the 11st line.

* This should be seen in the context of a difficult week. Exercise was interrupted and of course Wednesday brought challenges of its own. Generally though I find that I am more likely to allow a snack here and there. Not a great problem, I have lost enough weight that the occassional biscuit is unlikely to break the scales. But if I want to achieve my target, I will need to make a choice to say no.

* Mood wise I have been finding things increasingly difficult. Anxiety is a constant issue but I am also conscious of moments of low mood that, if left unchecked, can very easily develop into a longer term depression.

What is the cause? As ever the answer is somewhat complicated.

1) Parenting - it is hard. Being a parent of multiples is even harder. It is a constant demand, there is never time off, there is always something to be done. This is the life I chose and so it is important to find a way through but that does not negate the difficulty.

2) Routine - I am bored of the monotony. Life is just a wash, rinse and repeat cycle of get up, go to work, come home, look after kids, short relax and then bed. I need a break, I need a change. And yet here is the great contradiction of anxiety - when presented with a change of routine (meeting friends, a party etc) my immediate reaction is one of resistance, an unfounded fear of how I will cope which restricts my level of activity.

3) Mindfulness - I cannot believe that my redundancy still plays on my mind and yet it does. Any time a situation presents itself that is in any way comparable to my last job, it generates pangs of regret and sadness as a crushing realisation passes over me of what once was compared to what now is. In many ways my life now is better - I leave on time, I have far less stress, I don't work from home - yet my mind clings to the status of old, regardless of how bad it was for my health.

3) Lack of support - Probably the most difficult aspect is the need and expectation from others to carry on. It is almost as though my 3 month stay in a mental hospital never happened. I did not simply go in, get fixed and come out all better. I was broken. The Priory showed me how I could fix myself but my redundancy meant that I left before all the pieces could be put back together. Now I am trying to figure out where they all go and I don't always get it right.

I think of it like this - imagine you could pack your life into a bag. Over the years you accumulate lots of stuff, some of which you don't need. Many of us are efficient at throwing the unnecessary stuff away or are strong enough to carry our bags. But some of us need help.

The Priory not only helped to empty my bags of rubbish, they even helped me carry them for a while. It felt great. But then all of a sudden I had to carry them by myself again, had to make my own decisions about what I kept and what I discarded. Sometimes I travelled light, but often times my bags would become full to bursting and all I wanted was someone to help carry the load.

End of week 25 - Saturday 21st February 2015

Starting weight - 12st 4lbs

Target weight - 10st 6lbs

Last weight - 11st 1lb

New weight - 10st 13lbs

Thoughts

* I wasn't sure that I could be bothered to write this blog. I have become incredibly frustrated at the lack of interest generated, succumbing to thoughts of 'why bother, no-one's reading?' I recognise the alternative, the thought that says just write for yourself. But it isn't enough anymore.

When I first started writing I did it for the fun of it and the benefit it brought me mentally to explore my thoughts and feelings. It was a novelty when friends and family read along and a genuine surprise and pleasure to find that complete strangers were interested too.

But that's it, I never moved on. Sure I published my own books but no-one buys them, my Februray royalties of 91p are unlikely to allow me to quit my job anytime soon. I feel like a rock band with dreams of playing at Wembley, still stuck performing to their pet dog and kid sister in their mum's garage. Writing for myself isn't enough. I want more.

* Anyway, to the weight itself. This is the second time I have hit 10st 13lbs. Last time I dismissed it as a freak result but this one feels more genuine. I have been at or around 11st for the last couple of weeks and so it was only a matter of time until I dropped below. Target remains 10st 6lbs and although this will be a challenge, I really believe I can do it before the end of the year.

* A tough week or so mood wise. I cannot place anything specific, just a general sense of frustration and disassociation. As ever, I recognise that moods such as these can be lifted, I must choose to follow a new path, which led me to indulging in some retro gaming writing which you can find elsewhere on the site. It is fun, it is nostalgic and it even allows me to tie in some mental health analysis.

End of week 22 - 31st January

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 2lbs

New weight - 10st 13lbs

Comments

* Well, that doesn't make much sense. Apparently the lunchtime Subway followed by chicken wings and curly fries for dinner was the winning combination.

* It is nice to dip under 11 stone but I have dismissed the result to an extent. After all, if I am to maintain perspective at my weight going up an unexpected (unrealistic?) amount then I surely have to do the same when it goes down. 

* Perhaps there is also a mental health element creeping in here. I had a target in mind and have achieved it, my mind will not accept this success and looks for ways to undercut it.

* Balance then is key. I checked the weight 3 times this morning, it is correct. Natural fluctuations suggest that I could go up 2 pounds tomorrow or lose another pound or two, who knows. So let's take it for what it is.

* My original plan was to now ditch the weigh ins and go to a monthly check in. I then reconsidered and thought I would weigh myself daily for one week to track the natural variations. But having now dipped under 11 stone, I don't want to weigh myself tomorrow and find that my weight has gone up. So, again, let's find some balance. Perhaps a fortnightly weigh in would be a good timeframe. Whatever I choose, it is not fixed, I am free to change my mind.

Middle of week 22 - 28th January

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 1lbs

New weight - 11st 2lbs

Comments

* Well, that seems a tad unfair.

* It is important to have weight targets, and therefore important to regularly weigh in, as it gives the plan some focus. However, it is equally important to understand when they have become unhealthy and to take a step back.

Last week I failed to lose any weight, which was disappointing. This week, I actually put on a pound. It was frustrating, and I was left with the temptation to say, 'screw you, I'm going to eat a massive bag of crisps.'

Quite who I'm suggesting I screw is anyone's guess. Stuffing a big bag of crisps harms only me. And so I find that it is time to step away from the bi-weekly weigh ins. I am desperate to get below 11 stone and have fallen into the trap of thinking that I must weigh myself almost constantly so that I see the moment it happens. Then at the other end of the spectrum, any calories consumed are ruthlessly scrutinised to the point that I am denying myself some of the quite reasonable treats of life. I am reminded of Mad Eye Moody from Harry Potter, with every bite I take a voice in my head shouts 'CONSTANT VIGILANCE' lest I consume something that adds about 6lbs on.

I recognise that it is more important how I feel than how much I weigh. I find that I cannot accept this in practice whilst constantly weighing myself so I will scale it back to a monthly check in.

* Still, I had a nice chocolate eclair today. Nom, nom.