1066 All Stars

End of week 21 - 24th January

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 1lbs

New weight - 11st 1lbs

Comments

* Grr.

Middle of week 21 - 21st January

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 1lbs

New weight - 11st 1lbs

Comments

* This week started with a bang (well, a splat really) as a virus ran rampant through the house laying waste to all and sundry. I managed to escape the worst of it (apart from the smell) but nonetheless found myself prone for most of Sunday and missing an evening meal. Monday was a day of recovery with a short family walk to the shops providing some exercise and much needed fresh air.

* One aspect of my mental illness is the reliance on external sources for validation of self, belying any outward sense of confidence in my own judgement. It occurs to me that I risk doing the same with my weight. It is healthy to have a target and it is nice to see the numbers tumble but I also think it important not to fixate on these alone. When will it be enough? What magical figure will be deemed ultimately acceptable? The risk is none, and so it is far healthier to instead look for a point in time when I can simply be happy and comfortable with who I am, how I feel, regardless of what the number says on the machine.

* Today's weigh in is a case in point. Despite no movement since the last weigh in, 11st 1lbs, in respect of where I started, is a tremendous achievement and yet I find myself disappointed at not having moved the dial. So, in keeping with a blog I started elsewhere, let's take a moment to be kind to myself and consider some positives...

... I have lost 17lbs since this started

... I have dropped a trouser size and 2 belt notches

... my shirts are looser than ever

... I have implemented and stuck with a healthy eating plan

... I have implemented and stuck with an exercise regime

... and I have achieved all this whilst battling mental illness

* Whilst the healthy living aspect of this regime has progressed well, what has been the impact on my mental health? My general mood is clearly improved. I still have twinges of depression, those moments when I feel a disassociation with the world around me where you can be lonely despite being in a room full of people. But broadly speaking, depression has been kept at bay.

Anxiety however remains a major issue but this should not come as a surprise. My anxiety issues are not directly related to my physical well being, they are borne of a lifetime of thinking errors, deep rooted schemas. I succumb to them far more often than I would like, manifesting mainly around the children, which then morphs into a sense of guilt and recrimination which threatens to allow depression to set back in.

These are issues that won't be overcome in a few weeks or months. I am trying to undo a lifetime of behaviour and this is a process that may take years. As above, it is therefore important to be kind to myself, to recognise and acknowledge where I have done well and to forgive myself for mistakes made along the way.

End of week 20 - 17th January

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 2lbs

New weight - 11st 1lbs

Comments

* How exciting, I never got to 11st 1lbs before. After reaching 11st 3lbs, I had two days of gut rot and dropped stright down to 11st so it's nice to complete the journey 'properly'. Next stop 11st!

* After a couple of false starts with random injury, the exercise regime finally got back to normal. Diet wise the week was also fairly standard, however with the family enjoying a Friday trip to the Naughty Shop, I figured I was allowed a bag of chips. I was a little concerned at the extra fat content so in a pathetic attempt to hold off the calories, I carried on my walk whilst eating.

* Monday found me becoming one of 'those' shoppers as I stood in Poundland (yeah, yeah) sifting through the snacks, rejecting anything with a high fat or sugar content. I became a little self conscious when it occurred to me what I was doing but I guess it marks a definitive change in perspective, a reminder once again that this has not been a diet but is instead a lifestyle change.

Middle of week 20 - 14th January

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 2lbs

New weight - 11st 2lbs

Comments

* A pleasant surprise this week to maintain my weight at 11st 2lbs. After waking up with a random, rather painful foot injury that made it difficult to drive, let alone walk, I was unable to get any meaningful exercise on Monday or Tuesday. Some improvement today meant I was able to have a semi-normal walk.

* A further surprise came when I thought my trousers seemed a little tight, prompting me to worry that I had put on weight, only to discover that I had moved down another notch on my belt. That's two notches over the last few months. My shirts also feel much looser. I'm going to need a new wardrobe at this rate!

* The weigh in was doubly surprising as I indulged in a couple of chocolate bites yesterday. 'Ooh, you devil,' I hear the four of you who read this cry. Yes, I appreciate it is a non-issue to have a little snack here and there but my reaction is worthy of note. As soon as the chocolatey treat touches my lips I feel like I am putting on about 8 pounds a bite. It is a gross exaggeration but it remains my first reaction.

* I was tempted to resort to the stock phrase of, 'I can't help myself' reacting this way. It is a seemingly innocent phrase that we all use from time to time. But it is wrong and it is unhealthy. I CAN help from feeling this way. I am not a fixed state, I can change. It is just more difficult.

One of the consequences of mental illness can be a tendency to always see the negative, to filter out anything positive.

Therapy taught me the importance of being kind to myself and so I thought I would make a list of some of the things I can be proud of. In no particular order...

...I have a beautiful wife, who loves me...

...I have three healthy, happy children...

...I have a job that I am good at...

...I have published not one, not two but three books of my own writing...

...I have lost 16lbs as part of a self created healthy living plan...

...I wake up everyday trying to be better than I was the day before.

And I have done all of this whilst trying to recover from mental illness.

I am not perfect, but I have learnt to accept that I don't need to be. I get a lot of things wrong. But I also get a lot of things right.

Mental illness is not mental weakness.

What's your kindness list?

End of week 19 - 10th January

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 3lbs

New weight - 11st 2lbs

Comments

* Despite a good week in terms of diet and exercise, I had been quite nervous about this weigh in. I still feel a bit flabby, my stomach feels bigger than I would like and so I had visions of putting on weight, losing motivation etc. This is of course the mindfulness trap I noted in my last update. I have eaten healthily. I have exercised regularly. There is no more that I could have done to influence my weight this week and so the only thing to do is to accept the outcome. And in any event of course, my fears were unfounded.

* It is nice once again to get past the 3 pound mark, the mythical 'natural weight' figure I hold in my mind.

* I was struck this week by the inescapable thought that my life is utterly ordinary. I have a beautiful wife. I have adorable twin girls. I have a bouncing baby boy. I own my own house, I have a full time job. I have enough money that I don't need to worry exactly how much. So why isn't this enough?

Because I want more.

In part this is mental illness speaking, judging myself against others and always coming up short. But there is another part, that tells me I am underachieving. That I have settled.

And yet this other part of me is full of conflict and contradiction.

I earn a reasonable salary. But why don't I earn £40k or £50k like others do? Why do I not have a profession that I can cite as my own and tout my qualifications?

Because, the negative side tells me, you're not good enough.

I enjoy writing, I'm pretty good at it. I read things that other people have written and think hey, I could do that. Why am I not being paid to write? Why shouldn't I have a job in media and publishing?

Because, the negative side tells me, you're not good enough.

Other people cope. I've been to therapy, I'm all better now, right? So why can't I move on?

Because, the negative side tells me, you're not good enough.

And so it goes on. The contradiction is clear; I hold myself to a standard that I feel incapable of ever reaching. Nothing I achieve could ever be enough because someone else has always done better.

* Deep within my notes from The Priory will be details on Schemas, patterns of thought and behaviour that we learn and come to use as a default reaction. I am succumbing to mine. Therapy taught me that what is learned can be unlearned, with patience and kindness to self. We can change. Once again I find that I understand the theory, the application is far harder.

* Walking round my house is like a mental health trigger centre.

...the curtains I haven't put up

...the shelves I haven't put up

...the clothes that need washing

...the floor that needs cleaning

...the sheets that need changing

...the rooms that need tidying

...the stuff that needs selling / chucking

...and on and on. I am aware so why don't I just get on with them? Whay am i giving in to the mental health trap of procrastination?

Because I don't know how! I don't know how to use the drill; when I tried, I don't know why it wouldn't go through the wall and I'm scared to try again; I might put the shelves up wrong, wasting my money and ruining the wall; I don't have time to do all the other chores, there is always some washing up to be done, some meal to prepare, some shopping to be done, some child to attend to.

It feels like a never ending torrent of chores and so I never start. And by never starting I never finish, and so feel like a failure.

* What is the solution? These issues are not going awa, there is no magic wand. I don't know, it is something I am wrestling with but I suspect once again that the answer lies in mindfulness.

Middle of week 19 - 7th January

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 3lbs

New weight - 11st 3lbs

Comments

* A weigh in of routine, rather than expectation this morning, however a part of my mind was instantly disappointed not to have lost anything. Nonsense of course, it has been 2 days. This impatience is a theme I will return to.

* My legs ache!

* I was discussing the other day how certain situations make me feel uncomfortable and set off my anxiety triggers. As part of this, I observed how I find it more difficult to work with a group of what I would consider my peers, versus working with those I would consider more junior to me. In one sense, this is just a preference. I have always enjoyed the coaching and mentoring aspect of management and working with younger, less experienced people gives me the opportunity to do this. But there is also a mental health aspect at work. Dealing with those junior to me means that I am in control. I hold the knowledge, I hold the power base. I am, to all intents and purposes, unchallenged. In a group of peers, I may be challenged, even contradicted. More subtly, someone may simply disagree with me or present another way of considering something. In these situations, my default reaction is to assume that I am wrong and the other person is right. Why? It is a fundamental lack of confidence and one of the main aspects of my psyche that I want to address.

* This train of thought led me once again to assess where I find myself professionally. I have been in my new job for almost a year now and yet still I am not entirely comfortable. I almost feel as if I am in someone else's house, I do not feel as if I truly belong. I remain distracted by comparison to why has come before, unable to simply accept what is now and adjust accordingly.

* Linked to this, I have been considering where I am in my journey of recovery. Should I be further along by now? In a sense, I have never been better. That I can write like this, free and uninhibited, is a relief and a joy. Yet I find myself feeling fragile. Professionally, my workload and stress level is nowhere near what it was. Whilst this can be a positive, it has heightened the sense that I am incapable of doing anything more. If a new task is presented to me, my immediate mindset is that I can't do it. I don't know how or if I could ever return to a position of management or seniority.

* An underlying theme to some of these issues is mindfulness. It is such a powerful tool. Depression might be seen as regret of the past, anxiety worry of the future. Mindfulness is the anchor to the here and now, a reminder to live and experience the moment you are in without judgement. Wistful reminiscence is fine once in a while, as is an occasional day dream of what may come. But when it becomes obsessive or unhealthy, mindfulness reminds us to let go of these unhelpful thought cycles. We can only change the present.

So it is with my weight. I cannot undo what I have eaten. I cannot wish away the pounds. All I can do is eat healthily and take regular exercise.

So it is with work. I cannot undo my redundancy. I cannot predict failure. All I can do is gradually ease myself back in, being kind and patient to myself.

Live in the moment. Become the change you want to see. And let the rest take care of itself.

Monday 5th January

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 4lbs

New weight - 11st 3lbs

* A change to the usual routine. Whilst I have already completed a New Year weigh in, this came amidst an ongoing holiday. This morning brings a return to work and so a return to the full regime and so I thought it would be beneficial to have an additional weigh in.

* Despite the scales teasing me with an initial 11st 2lbs, the final weight is a respectable 11st 3lbs, sitting me firmly on my target for the end of 2014. Having got down to 11st before Christmas, this remains the immediate goal.

* I was surprised by the strength of my desire to get back to exercise. A combination of Christmas, cold weather and chicken pox (the kids, not mine) conspired to render me fairly inactive over the holiday season and I was really looking forward to getting out and stretching my legs again. Despite the fruitless search for an Upsy Daisy dolly (don't ask), my lunchtime walk was invigorating and I would gladly have walked longer. It is a marked shift in mentality and I am pleased that it has survived the period of inactivity.

* The increased temptation for munching definitely surfaced over Christmas, the last couple of days in particular seeing me want to eat more unhealthily. But I largely resisted and have been rewarded. Truly I want to lose weight more than any desire to snack on filth.

* After my physio referral last year, I was given advice on some exercises to help with my neck issues. For some reason I put off implementing these until the New Year and so these will now form part of my daily routine. It marks another change in my mentality. I never used to care too much about health or appearance. Now, without being vain, I want to look and feel good. It is important for myself. It is important for my family.

* New Year is of course traditionally a time for resolutions, a series of arbitrary goals that we give up on within days or weeks. As I have demonstrated with this blog, we can achieve realistic goals if we set our mind to them and so, as the title suggests, rather than a resolution, my plans for this year will be an evolution of what has come before. Taking my cue from my professional life, I will set a series of SMART (Specific, Manageable, Achievable, Realistic, Timely) goals.

1. Weight

What - Target weight 11st

When - March 2015

How - Refocus on the healthy eating regime, eliminate unnecessary snacking, continue exercise.

Challenges - I was tempted to date this for February but that is an unnecessary pressure. Bad weather may impact lunchtime walks, alternative exercise plans may be required.

2. Weight

What - Target weight 10st 6lbs

When - December 2015

How - As above

Challenges - I was tempted to put a target date of June but I want to ensure that this is a realistic, long term goal. I am approaching my natural weight and it is becoming noticeably more difficult to lose weight on the present plan. I may consider changes to my exercise regime but my diet is healthy and balanced and I therefore propose no material changes.

3. Writing

What - Publish second blog collection

When - May 2015

How - Templates already in place from previous book, simply need to format

Challenges - Maintaining regular writing schedule to ensure sufficient material to justify publication!

4. Writing

What - Publish children's stories

When - December 2015

How - Base template is in place for non-illustrated book. Amazon has tools for publication with illustrations. I may also consider submission to a publisher.

Challenges - I am not an artist and my stories will be greatly enhanced by illustrations. Some of them would justify individual publication, in the vein of 'The Hungry Caterpillar' and other such books. The December deadline is a target to have published in a manner with which I am content, however I may publish in a more limited form earlier than this.

For 2015, I would also like to really start addressing my anxiety issues. I have developed a deep awareness of them, which is great, but it doesn't stop them manifesting. I could put some trite goal here about 'overcoming anxiety' or 'not being depressed' but that isn't SMART. So let's do it like this;

This year, I will try:

* To laugh more

* To get angry less

* To love

* To let myself be loved

* To forgive

* To forget

* To apologise when I am wrong

* To accept when I am right

* To work on the things I don't do well

* To acknowledge the things I do

End of week 18 - 3rd January

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 2lbs

New weight - 11st 4lbs

Comments

* With the Christmas period drawing to a close, what has been the damage? I start the year 4 lbs above my lowest weight but just 1 pound over what I consider to be an acceptable weight. Given the circumstances, this is a reasonable starting point for the new year. I have been pretty inactive over the last week and with mince pies and Christmas cake knocking around, some weight gain was inevitable. I look forward to resuming the exercise regime on Monday, weather permitting.

* I wrote a review of my year here which repeats my mantra of the importance of change. Someone on Twitter pointed out how hard achieving change can be and they are absolutely right. It is a fundamental tenet of sound mental health but I must be careful not to underestimate the work involved.

* Speaking of the new year, I have strange feelings about it. On one hand, I have a sense of positivity in that I am looking forward to resuming my healthy living regime and seeing how close I can get to 10st 6lbs. On the other, I was struck earlier in the week by a sense of sadness about returning to work on Monday. In part this is natural of course. After all, who likes going to work? But there was more to it. There was a sense that, after the excitement of Christmas, life is now to return to the routine, dare I say drudgery of real life. In a sense I feel that nothing has changed, the cycle is to be repeated endlessly with no variation, no end in sight. 

Of course it is up to me to ensure that this is not the case. Life is what we make of it. But again I caution myself that applying the changes In want to see is a hard process and it is important not to put too many demands or pressures on myself.

* Want something else to read? How about this and this to get you started.

New Year's Eve - Middle of week 18 - 31st December

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 3lbs

New weight - 11st 2lbs

Comments

* And so the year ends 2lbs above my 'that would have been fantastic' target but 1lb below my 'that would be pretty ruddy good' target.

* On balance I am pretty happy. I have been as low as 11st, which represents an 18 lbs swing from when I started 4 months ago. I have consistently achieved a weight at or below 11st 3lbs, the figure I had set in my mind as my 'true' weight, even if I had hoped to dip below 11st. I go into the new year determined to continue the regime and to get as close to 10st 6lbs as is healthily achievable.

* The Christmas diet went out of the window somewhat. It is a difficult balance between enjoying yourself versus maintaining a sensible regime and more often than not I would indulge but feel guilty about it. I am more relived than anything that today's weigh in has not done any real damage. I find myself looking forward to getting back into my regime.

End of week 17 - 27th December

Starting weight - 12st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 

New weight - 11st 3lbs

Comments

* As expected, a slight increase. I was conscious of wanting to relax my diet enough to feel like I had enjoyed Christmas, rather than building up any resentment. In the end, I found that the conflict fell the other way. I relaxed my diet but wanted to be stricter.

* I tried to find balance wherever possible. The big Christmas lunch was offset by a modest dinner, a pattern repeated today. I allowed indulgences, helping myself to choccies from the box and sharing a bag of onion rings.

* Having reached 11st, there is a part of me that can't help but regret the weight increase. But having got there once, I can do it again. The Christmas weight gain is a reasonable blip, once the routine kicks back in again in the new year - which it will - I have no doubt that I will quickly shed any excess picked up over this time.

* Christmas brings into focus a number of mental health issues. When I feel ready, I will blog about them in detail but one thing is clear. As much as I may have changed, the world hasn't. The hardest part of recovery from mental illness is that most other people do not understand the journey that I have been, and continue to, travel.