1066 All Stars

Current weight - 11st 2lbs

Target weight 10st 6lbs

Food Log

Breakfast - Weetabix minis with sultanas, tea

Lunch - lemon curd sandwich

Dinner - bacon and cheese bake sauce with veg

Dessert - salted caramel choc lolly

Snacks - 1x boiled sweet, 6x cherries, 1x apple, 1x fruit bar, 2x rice cakes

Exercise

Walking - 1 hour

Comments

* With the decision taken to be more disciplined about my eating regime, a return to the daily food log.

* After the recent debauchery of pizza and bbq, I decided that crisps day was an unnecessary indulgence. That was partially offset by the boiled sweet I stuffed into my gob on auto pilot whilst getting out of the car. They are there though, a pack bought in a previous moment of weakness, and so I will finish them. Interestingly though I was tempted by a second one but didn't because I didn;t want to add it to the food log.

* Exercise has become a point of contention. Clearly it is good for me and an important element of my weight loss but I have also been feeling incredibly tired, to the point that I took a break yesterday. I need to find a balance between pushing myself to lose weight / get fit versus pushing myself too far. For now, it is back to a dedicated, aerobic walking pattern, at least until I get to a point of satisfactory weight control.

New weight - 11st 2lbs

Comments

* A disappointing but not unexpected result. 

* The regime has reached that point that I alays expected where it has become difficult to maintain. Whereas at the start I would ruthlessly turn down anything sugar coated, now I am regularly allowing myself a biscuit here or an exra helping there and this is the result.

* And so, as will all things in life, I now have a choice. 3 of them to be precise.

1. I can accept this state of affairs, eat what I like and let my weight be what it will be.

2. I can get hardcore militant about it and make a concerted effort to achieve my 10st 6lbs target.

3. I can meet somewhere in between, returning to a degree of dietary austerity without pressurising myself on a weekly basis.

* The obvious answer is of course 3. Number 1 is very firmly off the table. I refuse to allow my weight to balloon back to what it was. But actually I intend to apply number 2, at least for a short time. I feel a need to be disciplined with myself, to restablish the frameworks of my healthy eating plan and take back control of my weight. Once done, then I can restore a position of balance, where snacking and treat eating is done in moderation.

Target weight - 10st 6lbs

Current weight - 11st 1lb

Comments

* Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to...etc.

* I had been intending to write this blog for a while but kept putting it off. I found myself in a low mood, low energy space where I could not seem to find the enthusiasm or will to interrogate my feelings.

* The obvious questions is, 'Why?' I'll get to that.

* Weight wise, I am disappointed but not wholly surprised. May is a difficult month what with all the kids' birthdays. our wedding anniversary and my own birthday. On top of that, 9 months into this lifestyle change, there has been an inevitable relaxation of standards as I allow myself some latitude, the net result being that I have added a couple of pounds back on.

* But I am not disheartened. Earlier in this regime, I would have become anxious (a word I do not use lightly by the way) that any uplift in weight signalled a disaster. Now, I have the benefit of knowing that with discipline and exercise, I can comfortably maintain my weight at or around the 11st mark.

* And, just as significantly, I want to. Previous attempts to lose weight have given way to a desire to eat. And I still do of course, a bag of sweets or a packet of crisps remain as tempting as ever. But I am proud of what I have achieved thus far and remain determined to maintain and improve it.

* But what of my mental health? I have visited this thought process before but it is an important point and worth, I believe, revisiting.

Most advice for those suffering from depression will be to take exercise, the release of endorphins and other such chemical reactions considered likely to alleviate the symptoms.

After 9 months, (up to) 20 pounds lost and with a daily walk now part of my weekday regime, I have noticed no tangible improvement to my mental well being. I remain almost cripplingly anxious, my confidence low, my mood prone to fluctuate at the slightest provocation.

But it is important to understand why. My depression is not driven by an inbuilt chemical imbalance. There is no fundamental flaw in my genetic make up. My depression is fed by anxiety which, whilst I may have a certain predisposition to it, is caused and fuelled by the thoughts I have and the decisions I make. I am the architect of my own mental prison and therefore also the warden who holds the key. No amount of walking is going to undo these thought patterns, only repeated and consistent addressing of my negative automatic thoughts and harmful, deep held schemas.

* Which leads me nicely to why this blog took so long to write. Part of my anxiety and depression cycle is a deep rooted lack of confidence. This may manifest in a variety of ways - from self judgement of appearance to intelligence to capability - depending on the circumstances.

And so I found myself in a situation whereby I judged myself to have failed. There were extenuating circumstances but I rejected them all. Something had gone wrong and it was my fault. As a result, I had undermined my position irretrievably and lost whatever credibility I may previously have held.

This event cast a shadow over my mood for well over a week. I felt withdrawn, deliberately isolating myself. I desperately procrastinated about a need for change. A fog crept over my mind, I found I could no longer concentrate. And I was tired, oh so tired. The tendrils of depression were beginning to take hold.

There was no particular event that caused them to recede and yet today I find myself in a much better place. I am now able to recognise the thinking errors (black and white thinking, catastrophising among others) and allow some context to be applied. An underlying anxiety remains but a depressive mindset has been avoided.

The perceived failure, and my subsequent anxiety, were a result of projecting; of doing what I thought I was expected to do, rather than remaining true to myself doing what I wanted, what I believed to be right. A valuable lesson has been learned.

* Perhaps part of the recovery has been the development of outside interests with two opportunities for writing generated via Twitter.

* The first was a chance to share my mental health journey at the Priory. I knew ahead of time how the article would be distributed but this represented the first time that I would actively share my experience to professional colleagues and acquaintences via LinkedIn. It feels liberating to do so. My experience of mental illness, and my subsequent journey of recovery, is an intrinsic component of who I am. I do not wish to hide it. A link to the article is here.

* The second revolves around videogames. I have posted the occasional game review or feature on the site, all written for my own amusement. Then I saw a Tweet where a website was looking for review contributers. This is the type of opportunity that I would usually think 'if only' before ignoring. And so, in the best traditions of mental health recovery, I decided to change and made contact. Not only will they be publishing my first article this week but I will subsequently become a regular contributer to the VG Almanac site as a retro gaming specialist.

Yet even this brought some anxiety. Suddenly the reviews I wrote just for fun have become something more serious. All the time I write and publish on my own site, I shield myself from criticism. The moment they are submitted to someone else, they become pieces that can be judged and compared to others. I felt inadequate.

And so I did it anyway. Better to face my fear than live with regret.

Today's weight - 11st

Thoughts

* Happy Star Wars day!

* A weekened of eating flith sees my weight barely shift but there was definite movement in my mental state. With the fight of the century on, I decided a pizza and some other snacks would be ok but then spent most of the night / morning procrastinating to self about what I was eating to the point that what went into my stomach was more importan than the fight. In the end, I retrospectively came to the justification of 'it's only one weekend, I think I'm allowed,' but it was torture getting there.

* My target weight remains 10st 6lbs. I gave myself until the end of the year to achieve it and I think that remains a realistic ambition. I must also acknowledge that, fight night apart, I have been allowing more snacking and so it should come as no surprise that I have failed to move below 10st 13lbs on a consistent basis. A return to a more disciplined diet appears to be in order, with some leeway allowed for the kids' birthdays that are forthcoming.

*Anxiety continues to dominate most aspects of my life. Awareness is good, as is the knowledge that these are issues that can be overcome, but it is proving difficult to manage by myself.

* I like to use metaphors to illustrate aspects of my mental health in an attempt to try and help others understand.

On this theme, I have come to consider my anxiety as like being a balloon trapped in a box. At the beginning, when the balloon has no air (or anxiety), everything is still and calm. But as time goes on, it starts to fill with air. Slowly at first, but the pressure soon begins to build. The balloon is happy though, it has plenty of room to expand. But soon, as it gets bigger, it starts to believe that the box it is in is covered by invisible pins, ready to prick and burst the balloon. They can't be seen, but the balloon just knows that they are there. But worrying about the pins just seems to make the balloon fill with air quicker, only now it can't stop, the air coming in faster and faster, the pins only millimeteres away until...

*POP*

The balloon bursts. Not from a pin, they never existed. Instead, whilst worrying about pins that weren't there in the first place, the balloon lost sight of the fact that if it didn't stop taking in air then it would burst anyway.

* Work also remains a constant thought stream in two flavours.

Firstly, the issue of progresssion. My instincts are to always push myself for more but then my instincts led me to hospitalisation so can they be trusted? Redundancy continues to cast a shadow too. Metaphor time!

I look at like I am a football manager. I joined a lower league team, first as just a coach but quickly found myself asked to manage the team. We had early success, getting promoted, expectation increasing. It seemed only a matter of time before we reached the Premier League. But then our form started to drop, subtely at first, until all of a sudden we found ourselves in a slump of form we couldn't get out of. I received the dreaded vote of confidence before we parted ways 'by mutual consent,' any good achieved cancelled out in my mind by the way things ended.

Then, after a short break, I find myself offered a job on the coaching staff by a rival team. It is strange not being in charge but I enjoy someone else having the responsibility. But soon I get the itch to manage again, only I am not sure that I retain the passion to do so. I invested everything in my last team, my hometown club, I am not sure I have the desire to do it again.

* Secondly, the issue of identity. This has flared up with the forthcoming election, as well as during my Football Manager save. At a fundamental level, I don't know who I am, what I believe in and what I want out of life. I try to think about it, to define my place and my mind appears to just cloud over and drift. I cannot focus.

Perhaps this is depression, or a legacy thereof. Perhaps it speaks to the fact that I have become lost in a sea of mediocrity. Or perhaps it is who I am.

Current weight - 11st

Starting weight - 12st 6lbs

Lowest weight - 10st 12lbs

Thoughts

* I wasn't sure that I could be bothered to write this update. I get these occasional moments of thinking, what's the point? Who reads it? I post these things and no-one comments. I post a heartfelt piece of poetry that explores some inner pain and no-one replies. I post links to my books and the same 3 people share, even when I specifically request help in spreading the word. Why do I waste my time?

* And so I remind myself that this is for my benefit, a way of exploring my thoughts and feelings. If no-one else is reading, then so be it.

* I have become disappointingly stuck at or around the 11st mark. I dip down to 10st 13lbs and, reassuringly, never go above 11st but I can't seem to get any lower.

* In part this is undoubtedly due to the fact that I have slackened the reigns slightly. With Easter been and gone, there is still a shed load of chocolate knocking around the house which I inevitably will need to eat. I have also accepted the occasional biscuit or chocolate at work where usually I would steadfastly resist. But I have to allow myself these one off indulgences. And to take the positive, I have maintained my exercise regime. And, as I posted right at the top of this entry, it is always worth reminding myself of where I started.

* Work has been on my mind a lot recently. I have a fundamental sadness about my vocational life. I spend 8-odd hours a day doing it and yet I can think of only a handful of times in my professional life where I have felt genuinely happy. I explored these feelings in a recent story, Drive, which looked at the challenge of finding confidence again after the numbing shock of both mental illness and redundancy. It is something with which I continue to struggle.

Last weight - 11st 2lbs

New weight - 10st 13lbs

Comments

* And so after my mini-debauchery, a couple of days of good behaviour very quickly gets me back to my pre-Easter weight. A reminder once again that sustained weight loss can be maintained through a lifestyle change, a nominal binge here and there isn't going to hurt.

* As may be expected, returning to work after a week off brings up a set of emotions but perhaps more surprisingly, taking time off in the first place is also difficult.

* This may be strange for others to understand but having time off brings a its own stress. Day after day of wishing I was anywhere else is suddenly replaced by a horizon of freedom. I can do what I want, when I want.

Only I can't, because at home I have different masters to serve. The kids, quite naturally, come first.

But surely this is something to look forward to?

Yes, but it brings a pressure to perform. I must find activities to do, I should enjoy every moment with them.

This is counter-balanced by a need to achieve certain chores in the house as well as a desire to simply rest and recharge the batteries, a desire that inevitably goes unfulfilled.

* And so I return to work, back to the routine and the drudgery. I have an almost overwhelming sadness about it. I read with envy articles from various individuals in business who seem to genuinely enjoy their vocation. Mine is a means to end, something I must do to pay the bills.

In a sense, I find myself back in the same rut as a few years ago, grimly plodding on until retirement when I finally get to live life on my own terms for a couple of years until I shuffle off this mortal coil, subconsciously wishing my entire life away.

* Clearly this is unsustainable, not to mention unhealthy. What then is the answer? That is the puzzle I mean to solve.

Last weight - 10st 12lbs

Current weight - 11st 2lbs

Thoughts

* Following the boy's Christening and the Easter weekend, a week off of work brought a change in routine.

I had decided at the outset that I would let the shackles off this week. Exercise was limited, meals reverted to a standard plan (ie carbs in the evening) and I allowed a touch more snacking.

The result? I put on 4lbs.

* I have a few different thoughts about this.

1) It's no big deal. I know that I can get down to 10st 12lbs by following my established plan. This weight increase is an unnatural spike brought about by changes to routine, which have now finished.

2) Despite telling myself that I could relax my diet, I found that I was caught in a strange midpoint whereby I wan't to indulge but was also reluctant to fully commit to filth. In a way this is good; I have changed my mindset so fundamentally that it is almost abhorrent to me now to eat fatty, high sugar foods. But on the other hand, it reveals an underlying anxiety. Despite the progress made on my weight, despite all the evidence that this is a sustainable plan, I am so frightened of ballooning back up again that I resist, meaning that I never fully enjoyed the relaxed diet.

This point shoould not be seen in isolation. It is a very clear expression of self confidence issues. My mind refuses to accept a positive, always seeking a negative. It remains a mental health barrier to overcome.

3) I have an increased sympathy for the wife. As much as I resent going to work (more on that later), it provides a structure and routine. My job is purely desk based and so I am able to set broad timings for when I will eat; 10-10.30am is fruit time, 10.30-11am is bar time, 12.30pm is lunchtime.

At home, I am caught between two conflicting demands. On the one hand, the kids need attention and so the morning can pass without my usual snacks (or water intake, perhaps a crucial point) and so I become more peckish later in the day. On the other hand, if the kids are engaged or napping, the lack of structure and ready access to food can lead to increased grazing. It is far harder to stick to a dedicated routine in this environment than it is at work.

* Ah, work. People are always quick to tell me how I should feel. 'It is so much less stressful than the last job, that must be a good thing!'

In a sense, yes. But that is a gross simplification and I don't need someone to try and own my emotions for me.

My week off has been good. It has brought its difficult moments. The kids are hard work, I do not exactly feel rested. But I have been able to do some things I wanted to do, including some really fun writing on videogames.

But there is a downside. The focus on things I enjoy doing brings into focus the things that I don't. I really enjoy writing and it is nice to have expanded my repertoire away from just mental health and to start taking in other interests. But it is just a hobby. Monday morning means back to the same old routine, the same tasks, the same frustrations.

I don't want my writing to be a hobby, I want more.

* I still occasionally have moments where I just think, 'What's the point?' I have published 3 books but no-one buys them. I write and publish blogs, reviews and stories on my website, just like this one. But no-one comes and visits. Why bother?

I get wrapped up in the moment. I have just recently completed a couple of retro game reviews, which were great fun to write. But other than a couple of hits, no-one has read them. I have not become a games reviewer overnight just because I posted something on my own site. Why bother?

Because I enjoy it, is the principle reason. I like to write, I like to test myself and I like to get lost in a world of my own creation. There is no outside influence, no pressure, I cannot be right or wrong, it is simply jotting down whatever thoughts I have. It is liberating.

And, just occasionally, perhaps someone out there can relate to it. Whether through a shared happy memory of a certain game, a nod and a wink to a film or even perhaps through the daily pain of struggling to cope in an unforgiving world.

* As a family treat yesterday, we indulged in a McDonald's for lunch. I knew it was a mistake to do it but couldn't resits weighing in this morning to see what damage was done and I was...

10st 12lbs!

* I am on holiday for the next week which presents a new challenge. This may sound strange but the transition from work to holiday can be difficult. This frequently occurs at weekends too where I find my anxiety levels are extremely high, my mood in contrast to that at work.

What is going on here? I think part of it is simply tiredness, the body and mind relaxing, leaving me exhausted for the first day in particular.

But part of it is mental health. My mind wanders to the things to be done, either household chores or activities with the kids. Or I start to worry that I am not being a good enough dad, that I'm too irritable, that I will look back on their early years with a deep sense of regret and missed opportunity.This leads to rumination on the past and procrastination on the future, an unhealthy combination that opens the door to let depression sneak in.

* A friend suggested that I allow myself to relax the plan for or two days a week to ensure that resentment doesn't creep in. It's a strange one. On the one hand, I completely agree and had reached the same conclusion.

On the other, whenever I deviate from the plan, I have a deep sense of guilt and a fear that I have suddenly piled on about 8lbs (see this morning's post).

This fear is driven by a sense that there is always more to be done, driven by my perfectionsim schema, and that is in turn undermined by my defectiveness schema, that tells me that nothing I achieve is ever good enough. It is a daily battle to put these into perspective, which is where mindfulness comes into play.

Starting weight - 12st 4lbs

Lowest weight - 10st 12lbs

Current weight 11st 0lbs

Thoughts

* It struck me this morning that it has been 7 months since I embarked on this journey. My first post was on 1st September where I clocked in at 12st 4lbs. I remember clearly that I was concerned as to whether I could realistically sustain a healthy eating / living plan. Well here we are 7 months later, having lost (as of today) 18lbs and I am...

* Disappointed! Which is of course a measure of how far I have come. 11st has become almost a new standard for me. I have dipped below, consistently getting to 10st 12 and 13lbs but I routinely drift back to 11st and very rarely stray over. I had high hopes of dipping below for Easter but that is a fabricated deadline.

* It is surprising to me that I have broadly managed to maintain my eating plan. I have allowed the occasional deviation but essentially it is the same routine; a normal breakfast, 'dinner' at lunchtime and then a salad or vegetable based evening meal. Exercise continues to consist of a lunchtime walk.

* On top of that, I retain the desire not to eat junk in between. I pack a set of snacks to take to work - an apple, a fruit bar, perhaps some snack-a-jacks - but still routinely turn down biscuits, chocolate etc. When shopping, my primary drivers are price and fat / carb content. This has really become a way of life, not just a fad diet and that is perhaps the secret to having maintained the weight loss.

* I still have a way to go to reach my target of 10st 6lbs and that brings me into conflict. The problem with this plan is that my meals become limited. It is difficult to take, say, pork chops or a steak into the office for lunch and so I am often restricted to pasta or rice dishes. The lack of variety can be galling occassionally which leads to a temptation to indulge in a big burger or something at dinner. The key as ever of course is moderation. The occasional indulgence is absolutely fine.

* It feels nice to have lost weight. I find myself rubbing my stomach or catching a glance of myself in the mirror and being (relatively) pleased with what I see. I feel good. I look, well, alright. I still have some lumpy bits I am not pleased with but on the whole, I can be happy with my progress

* Mentally, the challenges remain. Depression remains a constant presence in the background. It is a difficult concept to fully explain and there is so much stigma and misunderstanding out there.

But one thing I can say from experience; depression is not something you can necessarily see. I would challenge all but my closest friends (and even then...) to know that I am depressed, or indeed to have known that I was so ill that I needed hospitalisation. Depression is not feeling low, it is very often an absence of emotion, a cold numbing to the world around us. Nothing matters. But we retain the cognitive recognition of what is expected of us and how society works. And herein lies one of the most difficult aspect of mental illness. To conform to expectations, to ensure that others do not feel discomfort as a result of our illness, we become adept at wearing masks, hiding our 'shame' from those around. But inside, the pain is real.

* And so it is that I find anxiety and depression remain daily challenges to overcome. Some days are better than others. It is not about thinking positively, it is about employing mindfulness; live in the moment, accept what is and understand that we must become the change we want to see.

Sunday

Starting weight - 11st 0lbs (Monday)

Ending weight - 11st 0lbs (Sunday)

Highest weight - 11st 1lbs (Saturday)

Lowest weight - 10st 12lbs (Friday)

Thoughts

Well, that was a big waist (see what I did there?) of time.