1066 All Stars

Day 19 - 19th September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Alpen

Lunch - Home made vegetable soup with 1x slice of bread

Dinner - Salad with char sui marinaded chicken

Dessert - Tea with 2x biscuits

In between meal snacks:

3x Rice cake

Banana

Apple

1x crackerbread

Thoughts and Feelings

* Really struggling today. The 5am wake up call from Aiden didn't help but I am finding motivation difficult today on a number of levels. I had a moment of 'it's Friday, you're allowed' when munching into the 3rd rice cake of the morning but I am just a couple of days from the next weigh in. I will be very disappointed if I have not lost anything.

* When does a perceived lack of motivation stray into a bout of depression? I am acutely aware that I have recently lost enthusiasm for a number of things. I have very little interest in watching football to the point that I was aggrieved to see a Liverpool game scheduled for broadcast this weekend, meaning I feel an obligation to watch. I have little compulsion to write any fiction, my thoughts straying around the 'why bother' territory. I used to get excited about onwing the latest gadget, now I just think, 'how is this possibly going to enhance my life?'

* But is this depression? Or is it a case of me changing? Getting older? Maturing even? I have 3 kids, it doesn't leave a lot of time for football or films or games. Life is changing. It is no longer about me, others are more important. I'm not sure how I feel about the transition yet, whether I am adjusting or whether it is affecting my mood.

* So hungry this afternoon that I caved and had a crackerbread on the basis that it was 19 calories. For the all the flavour it offered, I would have been as well to lick the desk.

* Declines - chocolate

* You enjoy yourselves, honestly I'm not bothered - McDonalnds

Day 18 - 18th September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Alpen

Lunch - Chicken salad with jacket potato

Dinner - Home made vegetable soup with 1x slice of bread

Dessert - Orange

In between meal snacks:

Rice cake

Banana

Thoughts and Feelings

* With Karen ill, I have unexpectedly spent the day at home looking after the kids, which throws the usual routine out the window. Despite this, I managed to squeeze in some exercise by walking to collect the girls from nursery.

* Bizarrely, I still got dressed for work and sat around in my work clothes all day.

* Not being at work brings its own anxiety. I am not ill and so I feel like  a fraud or a cheater being off. Family of course comes first ( I almost threw in a should there). The fact that my mindset doesn't automatically do this, prioritising work over all else, is interesting and, as mindfulness teaches, I will not judge it. 

* I wrote a blog yesterday expressing a few things that were on my mind. Reading it back is uncomfortable, there are thoughts and feelings expressed which I find embarrasing to have put in the public domain. But there were things that needed saying. No regrets.

* It is very difficult cooking food for other people when trying to resist it yourself.

* Declines - chips, ice cream

* I really fancy a burger.

Day 17 - 17th September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Alpen

Lunch - Chicken salad with new potatoes

Dinner - Home made vegetable soup

Dessert - Orange

In between meal snacks:

Apple

Crisps

Banana

Thoughts and Feelings

* A disrupted start to the day with Aiden awake since 5 and then Karen coming down with something, meaning that I went to work late.

* Wednesday, which means crisp day. I noticed that I was not that bothered about having them and would have been quite content to go without but, having opened the packet, I could quite happily have stuffed my fat little face with baked corn goodness for the rest of the afternoon.

* No exercise today as I was late to the office so not taking a lunch break. A shame but one day is not a disaster.

* Despite apparently putting on weight, my trousers are noticeably looser. Damn you, biology!

* This week marks the one year anniversary of my redundancy from my job of 12+ years, which in turn meant an abrupt end to my therapy. It stirs up some interesting feelings, which I shall explore in a longer blog post. Suffice to say, I have come a long way, but there is still a long way to go.

* Declines - donut, leftovers, purple cauliflower...

Day 16 - 16th September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Alpen

Lunch - Jacket potato with salad and corn on the cob

Dinner - Mince with tomaotes and onions, carrots, cauliflower

Dessert - Tea with 2x Nice biscuits

In between meal snacks:

Apple

Orange

2x Rice cake

Thoughts and Feelings

* The first day of the regime where I really didn't want to exercise. I just felt tired and sluggish, it was a real effort to get the legs moving. I suspect there are a few issues at play. 1) No carbs for dinner. Might this have an effect? 2) Week 3 of the diet, perhaps it is natural for enthusiasm to wane just a little bit. 3) I am in constant pain from my neck which saps my energy. I am always tired. 4) My thoughts this morning dwelled on the unlikelihood of ever being paid to write, something I have a serious interest and investment in.

* Declines - donut, cream cake

Day 15 - 15th September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Alpen

Lunch - Jacket potato with beans

Dinner - Chicken salad with corn on the cob

Dessert - Tea with 2x Nice biscuits

In between meal snacks:

Apple

Orange

Banana

2x Rice cake

Thoughts and Feelings

* A real struggle today. I am lacking motivation and it is undoubtedly contributing to a desire to snack, hence the second rice cake. It doesn't help when there are yummy looking chocolates being passed around the desk.

* Whilst I am disappointed with the weigh in this morning, I am determined not to lose heart. If anything, it has made me refocus on the savings I can make during the day. This week I will be far stricter on not allowing carbs in the evening. If that means foregoing dessert for instance than so be it.

* Declines - chocolate

End of week 2 - 15th September

Starting weight - 12 st 4lb

Last weight - 11st 11lb

New weight - 11st 12lb

Comments

* Disappointing but, if I am being honest, not entirely unexpected. I didn't feel like I had lost any weight, all thise unpleasant bulges are still present and correct.

* I remain committed though. This was never going to be a 2 or 3 week turnaround. I'm not ready to give up just yet.

Day 14 - 14th September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Bran Flakes (with sultanas)

Lunch - Ham salad baguette

Dinner - Roast chicken with roast potatoes, carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, greens and stuffing

Dessert - Small portion of ice cream

In between meal snacks:

Hob Nob medley bar

1x Snack A Jack

Thoughts and Feelings

* Sunday, which means roast dinner;. Which in turn means the one day of the week when I will allow myself a normal evening meal. That doesn't mean abandoning the plan though. Carbs are managed, if not rationed so intensely.

* For various reasons, I couldn't squeeze exercise in today. I am not disheartened though. I got some things done that needed doing and I know that I will be back into the usual walking regime tomorrow.

* There are very specific moments, under (perceived) times of high stress, when I just want to chuck it all in and go buy some sweets. I have resisted thus far but I am very conscious that I am only one bad weigh in or one material adverse scenario away from falling off my self imposed dietary wagon.

* I am also conscious of how many 'allowances' I give myself. A roast here, a snack bar there. In isolation they are fine but added up they will add the pounds back on.

* Finally, I am aware that, really, not much has changed. It has been two weeks, I have made a few rudimentary adjustments to diet and am more conscientious with exercise at lunch time. But other than than, it is still pretty much business as usual. I should not expect weight to simply start falling off just because I want it to.

Day 13 - 13th September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Bran Flakes (with sultanas)

Lunch - Ham salad baguette

Dinner - Oven baked chicken breast with small portion of boiled new potatoes, cauliflower, brocolli and carrots

Dessert - Small portion of ice cream

In between meal snacks:

Orange

1x Snack A Jack

Thoughts and Feelings

* The weekend, and all the challenges that bringa. Except thatr today it was slightly easier. Our usual Saturday morning trip to the shops was delayed, meaning that by the time we got back, it was pretty much lunchtime, eliminating my usual snacking window, the 'snacks' noted above an accompaniment to lunch.

* The walk to the shops ensured I managed to fit my exercise in too.

* Almost 2 weeks in and for the first time, I am really struggling with the snacking urge. There is no specific food, I am jst hungry and want to eat more.

* Once again, fluid intake is disrupted over the weekend, which may in fact be contributing to my hunger, something to learn from.

Day 12 - 12th September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Bran Flakes (with sultanas)

Lunch - Jacket potato with spaghetti hoops and mini sausages and cheese

Dinner - Tomato soup with 1x slice white bread

Dessert - 2x Mr Kipling slice

In between meal snacks:

Apple

Plum

2x Snack A Jack

1x mint (yes, really)

Thoughts and Feelings

* An awful night's sleep followed by an awful morning, punctuated by a specific incident that merits a full blog entry of its own. Despite a heightened level of anxiety, I had no thoughts of additional snacking. The new regime appears at this stage to be successfully bedded in.

* Whilst heating up my soup I suddenly got an almost overwhelming urge for some pickled onion monster munch to dip in it. Yum, yum.

* The weekend starts here, apparently. This brings the challenge of the lack of work day structure. No Chessington this week, which gives me greater control so the plan is for a morning trip to the shops for some salad and other bits. Tomorrow may be Saturday night but that's no reason to chuck everything in and splurge on a pizza or burger. I have an idea of what I will eat and it's in keeping with the plan. The only concession is an extra Mr Kipling slice this evening. Living the wild life!

* My thoughts have also turned to next week and meal ideas to keep the regime going. It is heartening that, at the moment, there is no loss of momentum. The forward planning is not done with trpidation or reluctant acceptance, it just feels normal.

* It is strange, almost like a switch being flicked in my brain from a position of absolute refusal to accept a dietary change to a position of absolute dedication to the regime. Thsi black and white, all or nothing behaviour can be harmful, as it could still be here if taken to the extreme. But, whilst it feels not only harmless but beneficial, I shall ride the wave of enthusiasm it has brought.

Day 11 - 11th September 2014

Food Log

Breakfast - Tea and Bran Flakes (with sultanas)

Lunch - Stir fry vegetables with noodles and char sui sauce, corn on the cob

Dinner - Chicken soup with 1x slice white bread

Dessert - Apple and blackberry cheesecake with ice cream

In between meal snacks:

Apple

Plum

Banana

Thoughts and Feelings

* Still fighting off the cold today but once again looked forward to lunch and the chance to stretch my legs.

* I did kinda go the wrong way though and, whilst I knew where I was, found myself further away from the office than the 10 minutes lunch break I had left, resulting in a sweaty powerwalk back. Jolly invigorating though!

* To help fight off the cold, I wanted to buy some methol sweets. Given that they were various flavours of fruit, I made the mistake of looking at the calories and was horrified to discover how many carbs they had and therefore didn't buy them. Overkill? Perhaps. I do have a tendency to all or nothing behaviour, there is very often no middle ground. Whilst I am ultimately happy with the decision made, it is important to remember that behaviours are not fixed; just because I act a certain way today (and have done in the past) does not prevent me from acting a different way in the future. That we can change is a fundamental lesson of my mental health recovery.

* I have a degree of impatience regarding the diet. It is only natural I guess but I want to see some tangible results. There is an element of anxiety about the next weigh in. What if I haven't lost any more? What if I have gained weight? I suspect I will be fine this week if there is no real movement but if it stretches into week 3 there is a real danger of losing motivation.

* Still, that is projecting. Mindfulness reminds us to live in the present. Weigh in is Monday morning and not before.

* Declines - biscuits, cake, meatball